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what is wrong with me?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've made a few posts before but really how I feel varies. Sometimes I convince myself I'm fine and don't need help, but deep down I think I really do.

I really want a boyfriend but I can't get anyone to like me.
I'm often told I'm good looking.
But people also say I'm too outspoken, I also have a bad reputation for sleeping around, I also always end up ruining something before it starts by making narcissistic comments and being self absorbed. I've never really given anyone a chance because I don't have time in my life to be lead on, hurt or used again.

what is wrong with me? :nervous:

Comments

  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,722 An Original Mixlorian
    Hey Farawayorigin,

    You're behaviour towards relationships need to change, or you won't get the stable relationship you're looking for, I don't have much to say, but it does sound like your passionate about trying to make it work, even though you have so many judgements upholding what might happen. You don't know how a relationship will turn out, and worrying about it is really common, but relationships are about taking it at a pace you both feel comfortable, being able to open up to each other once you start creating a strong bond, etc.

    Relationships aren't all about looks, yes, looks take a massive minority of who a male would choose, but you need to be engaging. Do you think you're outspoken often? Do you agree with what these people are saying? There is however nothing wrong with you, many of us find the right one in the end, even if it takes a few years from now, how old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

    Do you notice when you start making 'narcissistic comments' and become self absorbed or is that a 'you' thing?

    If you're in the UK, it might also help putting your question through via TheSite.org 'Ask TheSite.' Where you can also get advice from professionals on how to handle a situation such as this, as well as ways you might want to approach a person when starting off? By posting this however, it really does show you want to change your behaviour, and if you're passionate about it, you can do it.

    You also mentioned having worries about being hurt and used again, TheSite.org have an amazing article on Moving on from a cheating parthner, it might not be fully related to you, but does explore feelings about being hurt and used, etc.

    Keep us updated on how you're doing,
    Best wishes,
    Angel
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Angel,

    it's gotten to the point now that no one wants to gey to know me for me, all they're interested in is trying to sleep with me. I don't want to be that girl, I've never wanted to, she just happened.
    I'm very loud and outgoing, but I think a lot of that is over compensation for my lack of self esteem. I know that what everyone is saying is right and I want to change, I'm just impatient I want to be seen as girlfriend material, not one night stand. All of my friends have found it so easy to get people to like them over and over again yet no one seems to like me. I'm 18, I know I'm young. Whenever I seem to say things like that to people I'm dating it's when I like them more, when my feelings grow, then they end it obviously as a consequence of my bad attitude, it's like a self fulfill prophecy.

    I know that my behaviour can't go on any longer, it's making me feel worse and worse about myself. Half the time I don't even realise how bad it it, I just wonder if my behaviours are in some way linked to one another.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In the male community you might be referred to as a bitch behind your back. Only very few people care about your looks if you are insufferable, and those who do are best avoided. Work on your attitude and men will run your door in, if you are as good looking as you claim.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's generally obvious if you're desparate to have a boyfriend, which is off putting.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm generally referred to as a slut which I think is a main part of the reason why men have no interest inme, bbecause I appear dirty and easy which is totally untrue. I wouldn't say that I'm very good looking but a lot of people have complimented me on my appearance. My attitude towards relationships is the problem but I'm not quite sure where to start with regard to changing it.

    I don't appear desperate for a relationship, I like to make out that I don't care and I'm not interested but deep down I just want someone to love me and care for me the way my friends boyfriends do for them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One day you will find someone that loves you for you, and cares about you.

    Give it time, you're still young, there's no rush. Let your friends and family love you and care about you for now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just don't understand how I can be so unlovable and my friends and everyone around me get into relationships like there is no tomorrow. I don't understand what could be so wrong with me. I have friends and family that live me and I am grateful, but it's not the same kind of love.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No it's not the same kind of love but you will find it one day.

    You're 18, you're only just a young adult, be patient.

    Not every single person has a relationship so young, there is nothing wrong with you at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's just hard when the only intimacy you can get is from sleeping around and when people tell you that you have relationship issues. I always say men are good for three things, money, sex and driving you around. I don't give people I think "aren't good enough" a chance because I'm scared what my friends will say. Overall I'm shallow, cynical and very manipulative and I want to stop.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I always say men are good for three things, money, sex and driving you around. I don't give people I think "aren't good enough" a chance because I'm scared what my friends will say. Overall I'm shallow, cynical and very manipulative and I want to stop.

    Gee, you are pretty much answering your own questions. How do you think anyone is going to love a person that shows the attributes you are describing yourself with?

    Let me summarize this thread: I am self-absorbed, shallow, cynical and destroy many things before they really start with narcissistic comments. The men I want to love me are good for three things, sex, money and driving me around. Why won't anybody love me :( ?

    Maybe try to be more like the kind of person you want to love one day. That could be a good start.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi farawayorigin_,

    The first step in all this is that you know something is going wrong, and you want to change it and thats great!
    Overall I'm shallow, cynical and very manipulative and I want to stop.

    Sometimes we become a certain way due to different circumstances in our lives, but does that mean we should or want to stay that way always? You are still young, so there is time to put this right. People tend to hold on to one or two things that we do, because they want to labels us in order to understand us and see us how they want to. This does not mean you have to be labelled.

    Perhaps making a list of certain things you notice about yourself that you would like to change, and situations that have happened that you would have done differently could help. Trying to slowly apply new ways to behave or think, could help you gradually become more the person you wish to be. In time, others will see it too, but it takes time so try and be patient, and do this for yourself more then anyone else.

    It could be worth thinking about also talking to someone. Do you have close friends or family you could open up to? Surely they would highlight your qualities, and you could reflect on those as well and try to apply them to guys you meet.

    Talking to a professional therapist could also be an option if you feel ok about it - they wouldn't judge you, and you could start fresh, looking at why you might be this way at the moment, exploring who you want to be and how to achieve it slowly. You are not unlovable, everyone deserves love.

    Takes courage to admit you want to change aspects of yourself, so well done *hug*

    Do let us know how you get on :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This is the problem, I know what is wrong and I know my behaviour is wrong but I just can't seem to stop it. Those aren't the kind of men I want to love me, I want someone different who I can trust but I can't seem to shake off this bad habit of simply using and being used. I know the sort of person I want to be but no matter how hard I try I can't stop being this girl I've become in the last few months. I like to put on a hard exterior so that people don't think I'm weak.

    I have a few ideaa of things that have happened in my earlier teenage years which I feel have a lot of impact on the way I behave today, yet as years go on and Iet older, I become wilder, more immature and very niave. I think making a list of attributes I want to change could be a good tart so thank you very much for that suggestion Christele. I have one close friend and I think he may be able to help me. He usually deals with my meltdowns but it's always over the same thing and I think he's at wits end haha.

    I had a therapist before but after time I felt silly like the things we talked about were a never ending cycle. We agreed that we would part ways. It's just a bit disappointing to think that no one would be attracted to me and my own personality. I want to be happy but I feel my impulsive behaviours and brash personality are having the adverse effect.
  • laurenblaurenb Noob Posts: 3 Newbie
    Hi farawayorigin_

    I just wanted to emphasise what Christele said about you not being unloveable. You said that:
    It's just a bit disappointing to think that no one would be attracted to me and my own personality.

    I don't think anyone is trying to say you haven't got a good personality. True, everyone has suggested thinking about the parts of yourself you don't like as much and trying to slowly change them - but that doesn't mean you're not already great, it's just that you've got into patterns of behaviour which you yourself don't like. When you're thinking about the things you would like to change, remember that you'll have some great qualities too. There's a couple of articles on Low self-esteem and Building self-esteem which you might find helpful.

    It's great to hear you'll talk to your friend about this though, and that you're talking about it here so to keep posting!

    Laurenb
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