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Lost *mentions abuse*

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
I don't even know where to begin with this post. So I guess I'll begin with a bit of background to the current situation:

I've been going through a pretty difficult time recently. I ran away to Australia to try and escape a very dark and bleak situation: I was in and out of hospital almost weekly due to overdoses, was arrested by the police for attempting to jump off a pier and so spent a couple of days in hospital, struggling more and more with my alcohol problem... Any way, the Australia thing turned out to make the situation worse. The guy I was living with kept making inappropriate approaches on me, kept trying to kiss me, touched me in places I didn't want him to. I had said no so often to him that in the end I gave up saying no, and so was in a sexual relationship with someone I barely knew, who I didn't particularly want to be with, but since I was so far from home I felt I had no choice... It began to screw with my head deeply and began triggering what I guess could be described as PTSD (I had been raped only months earlier while I was temporarily living in Nottingham). I began drinking more and more heavily, and during one of these drinking sessions, I snapped and tried to stab the guy I was living with because I was terrified he was going to rape me. In the end, it meant I was kicked out and so had to spend all of my money to get myself back into the UK.

Any way, now I'm home and I have been trying to stop drinking, but I have been finding it incredibly difficult. I used to be a member of a similar site to this one, and since the guy I was staying with in Australia was also a member he has said some pretty vile things about me and has turned a lot of people against me. I was banned for using his account while I was in Australia as I couldn't access my own because I was feeling incredibly trapped and suicidal and so have lost my one place where I could rant/vent how I feel without being judged. I feel like everyone now hates me because last night I slipped up, and drank a bottle of red to myself. I told my parents that I'm tired of trying, that it feels like no matter what happens people will always leave. I told them that I was waiting for them to die so that I could finally kill myself without destroying the family and so that has simply been another nail to the coffin (I have so many nails in it now it resembles a god damn iron maiden). I just feel incredibly lost and alone. That I've become completely detached from myself and I don't know how to connect to any one any more. I don't see much hope in anything getting better.

I suppose what I'm asking from this thread is a dose of reality and a reminder that I'm not an evil person, despite what everyone thinks of me.. I just want a reminder that I'm not alone and would appreciate any support people would be willing to give.

(Thanks and sorry for how long this is)

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Nietzsche, welcome to the boards.

    You've been through a lot, I'm really sorry to hear about what has happened. I'm not sure what to say..

    I just wanted to offer you hugs and let you know that you don't sound like an evil person, and you're not alone. We are here for you, we will listen, and we care.

    *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you, I've been through so much the past two years it's seriously drained everything from me. I've been unable to keep a job down and I'm on a leave of absence from university. I'm just very uncertain on what steps I should be taking to move forward. Doctors keep passing it off as a passing phase and say medication won't help. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply, I haven't had many people around to reassure me, and I find it too difficult to talk to my parents about it. Every time I do mention anything it feels like I'm ripping my own teeth out so thanks for your support.
  • Danny!Danny! Posts: 560 Miniposter
    Hi Nietzsche

    I'm sorry to read you've had such a hard time. It's brave of you to tell us about everything's that's been happening, and I really hope you get some good support here.
    There's nothing in your post that suggest that you're a bad person at all. It sounds like you've been struggling a lot with drink, and had some horrible things done to you. It's never your fault being raped or sexually assaulted, and there's never any excuse for someone acting like that. Even though it might not feel like it right now, it sounds like you've really stood up to a lot, and the fact that you're here and feeling strong enough to ask for support is really impressive.

    You've talked about PTSD, and various really difficult experiences. It sounds like it would be really helpful to talk these things through (if you're not doing it already). Rape Crisis are a great charity for support around rape and sexual assault. They have a freephone helpline - 0808 802 9999.

    If you want some advice on dealing with doctors, the website Doc Ready might be worth looking at. And the Samaritans are open 24/7 whenever you need to talk about anything that you're struggling with (freephone including mobiles 116 123).

    It must have been hard for your parents to hear how you feel, so it's not surprising if they're struggling too. Maybe when you're feeling a bit calmer you could explain to them in a less scary way what's going on? I know it's really hard, but it sounds like they already know what a hard time you're having, and might appreciate the opportunity to support you a bit more. If it's not your parents, it sounds like it would be really good for you to have some supportive people around you. If you do have other family, friends etc that you could speak to, it might be worth thinking about opening up some conversations there - but only at the pace you feel comfortable with.

    Keep posting here, you're doing the right thing :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you talked to anyone properly about everything that has happened?

    I won't say it will go away, because it won't, but I promise everything will get a lot easier and you will learn to live with what has happened. Give yourself time *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for your kind words.

    I have tried calling Samaritans and emailing them when I've been in a crisis but haven't found them to be much help. I went to the doctors today and asked them to put me on a formal detox program with the alcohol services. Throughout it I just felt the doctor was judging me the entire time I was there, and put everything down to alcohol (which I don't feel is the case). I have been referred onto the CMHT but I have no idea how long I will be on the waiting list for (I've been on waiting lists so much now it's getting beyond a joke). I haven't considered Rape Crisis.. following what happened in Nottingham, I was too ashamed to speak to them because I felt it was my fault, but will definitely consider it. Do you know if they accept emails? I'm terrible with actually saying things out loud, which is why I prefer typing/writing them.

    Thanks again for your advice.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think you can email them, I never did. The woman who worked with me from R Crisis, I had to meet her face to face through someone else, and then she gave me a number to text her on when I needed to, this is how we arranged appointments too. I'm not sure if it will be different for you though, as you might be in a completely different place.

    I've got a leaflet with a lot of helplines and contact information in the back of it, I will go on my computer and have a look at which could apply to you.

    Sorry, can I just ask, are you male or female? How old are you? Purely to work out which helplines would suit.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm female and 21. Though the thought of actually talking to any one about what happened is terrifying. From experience talking about anything seems to make the matter worse rather than better.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you want to explain a little more about why you think talking makes things worse? If so, we are here to listen *hug*

    I'll search for a bit more information about the helplines in the leaflet and let you know.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The people I have opened up to have generally been very judgemental, arguing the fact that because I had been drinking that night and am a naturally flirtatious person I was "asking for it". Even my parents when I first told them seemed to assume it was myself who was at fault saying "that's what happens when you drink", when my mother saw the stains on the sheets (I couldnt go back to the house, I stayed in a hotel for a week until my folks helped move me back to Scotland) she screamed at me to "Look at the mess I had made", they were ashamed of me which made me feel worse. The guy in Australia, I opened up to about it, and he still went ahead and did the things he did, I'm not sure if this is because he thought it meant I would be easy... but he never missed an opportunity to try it on when we had been drinking. I was in a relationship with a guy who constantly called me a "whore" who was the one who first said I lead people on (I wasn't aware I did, but this was why he hated me talking to other guys). To this day my mother assumes I just sleep with anything that walks on two legs. I physically hate myself and body, bulimia has been coming back and I fully intend to start restricting properly after Christmas so I can be stick thin (it was always the curves people said were attractive about me). I don't want to be attractive. I don't want to invite any one's attention. I simply want to disappear and be left alone.
  • katypatatykatypataty Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    Hi Nietzsche

    No-one on here thinks you're inviting attention and I can relate to you wanting to be left alone as it's perfectly natural to feel like that when you're upset or sad.

    You mention that you want to start restricting yourself after Christmas, but making yourself stick thin might attract another type of attention? I suppose it's just something worth thinking about.

    It looks like you're in an extremely complex situation with lots of different issues to cope with and you've done the right thing by coming here first.

    I would echo Danny and encourage you to speak to even just one of the professional services he mentions as they could be a big help.

    Keep talking

    KM @TheSite
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've hit a wall with this wanting to stop drinking thing, and have actually decided I'd much rather die than live without alcohol. The Mental Health Services won't take me seriously if I'm drinking so I won't receive help, so I'm not seeing the point in drawing out the process any longer.

    I'm feeling incredibly distressed at the moment I guess, which is why I'm posting as I'm not sure how to successfully end things quickly with minimal amount of pain (I'm terrible with pain). Truth be told I'm terrified about dying, but I don't see any other way out of this. I've tried telling people how I've been feeling and they've attributed it simply to alcohol and have left me to it.

    I really don't know what there's left for me to do.
  • Danny!Danny! Posts: 560 Miniposter
    Hi Nietzsche

    I just wanted to say again that you weren't "asking for it" and it is not your fault. Sadly, it is very common to feel like that after experiencing what you've experienced. But that doesn't mean that it's in any way true.

    I'm just looking through Local Advice Finder for options - you could do the same.

    Women's Aid have email support , and while it's not as in-depth as telephone support, it might be a good start if speaking about things feels too difficult.

    Although talking about things can shake them up and make them feel worse at first, getting them out can make a real difference. I always think that when you have difficult feelings inside you they affect you anyway until you deal with them. Trying to avoid things can feel really necessary, but can be painful and exhausting. Working through things can be very difficult, but can really move things forward.

    Could it be that drinking helps to mask some difficult feelings, and that if you had a safe space to start dealing with them you might not feel that you need to drink so much?

    There are always options - keep coming back.
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