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Really struggling to cope with life
I got told today by my mum that she is disappointed in me and I can 100% understand that. I am a disappointment to my family, my friends and to myself. I have reached the stage where I don’t even feel like I know who I am anymore and I don’t know how to get the old Lauren back. I have so much anger and hate towards myself that I don’t know what to do with all of this emotion. I am hurting my family much more than they ever deserve and I continually have done since I was 12. They don’t deserve this and for me to be around. I keep thinking that I have reached the worst I can feel but then I keep on reaching even lower points. Right now I see no point in my life and even living. If it wasn’t for my family having to pick up the pieces I don’t know if I would be able to be strong enough not to end everything. If I was living on my own with nobody else to think about then I would definitely be trying to take my life right now. Just writing this upsets me that I have let myself get to this point. Cutting seems to get nowhere and gives me a very short amount of satisfaction in terms of a distraction and physical rather than emotional pain. The less effective this is then the more I want to do it and the worse I want to do it. I dreamt last night that my mum saw my cuts and I saw the disappointment and pain on her face. They don’t deserve me as their daughter. I am a failure and a disappointment. I can’t go on like this. My anti-depressant dose has been doubled but still I am feeling like this. I think that I am feeling low less often (but still most days) but when I do feel down it is definitely lower than before I was on the meds. I think I am going to stop taking them. I scare myself because I have over 250 tablets due to how much medication I am on. I think about taking all of them all the time but one of the things that stops me is that it’s not a guaranteed form of death. Whenever I walk down the road I want a car to crash into me or something like that. I hate how I am thinking like this and what I am doing. Everything happens for a reason right? Well that means that I did deserve it all as everything that happened to me when I was younger was meant to happen and the stroke and how I have had to drop out of uni again was meant to happen. All my parents friends children are graduating uni and getting jobs and then there is me who can’t even get past first year. I have no motivation to do anything and can’t concentrate on anything. I hate my life so much and feel I have nothing to live for