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Aspergers..

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey guys..

I was 17 when I was diagnosed with aspergers, I'm 20 now.

I'm really starting to struggle with it recently. I'm not sure why, I've had it for 3 years and I've been able to put up with it. I don't know if it's because I'm so down recently.. I don't know but the annoying aspergers is really starting to upset and anger me!

As I'm writing this I realise that I was with my ex for 3 years, and got with him not long after I was diagnosed with aspegers. That might have something to do with it? Maybe the fact that I was happy with someone I loved and trusted and I was acting like a mum to 2 young children, and eventually moved in with him and had to act like a house wife.. maybe I didn't realise then how much aspergers really affects me? Sorry.. there I go again droning on about my ex.

I hate having aspergers! I really hate it! It makes me feel so dumb and stupid and.. I can't do anything! I've got plans next year that I'm so happy and excited about but I'm panicking too. Because I can't get on public transport on my own.. I never have before because it's such a scary thought. Well I have caught a bus once but I didn't get on the first one because there were so many people on it, I waited for the little bus to come that hardly anyone catches and even that was scary! Then I started to panic when it came to getting off at my stop because I felt like the bus driver wouldn't stop or I wouldn't get off on time. Yes, stupid I know. So stupid but that's how I felt in the moment.

I realise know how aspergers affected me at school even though nobody knew I had it. I never had many friends, I used to be on my own a lot, I always hated p.e because I felt like everyone would watch me and make fun of me, I always used to go behind the back of school hiding to eat my lunch. When I was diagnosed with aspergers, the person that diagnosed me sort of explained what it is and what happens. I see it now. I don't like getting on public transport, I don't like eating in front of people so I tend to avoid that and if I eat in front of my family I have to wait until they're eating at the same time as me, I don't like meeting new people which is why I never had any friends at school or college because I never spoke, I don't like loud noises (Hoover, fireworks, hair dryer...) I take everything literally so if someone is joking around and says something like "that's it then, I don't like you anymore" I would think they mean it and get upset, or I could take something the wrong way and get defensive. I don't really understand instructions or explanations so say if I have to cook something I have to have what to do written out step by step in really literal terms. I find it hard to make decisions and recently it has been harder to make a decision because of how low and stressed I am feeling. If I don't like a boyfriend that much I'll ignore him until he dumps me and then I never see him again. But my friends.. I love my friends so much and they're so important to me. So again.. I don't really understand the way I am with boys. Aspergers makes my OCD routines a lot worse.

I'm starting to think that my.. well I don't know if it's an eating disorder.. but I'm starting to think that my relationship with food is because of my aspergers. I want to be thin so I don't eat and I have, in the last 2-3 years, lost a lot of weight. I can now fit into size 8.. I still like to buy size 10 because I don't feel thin enough yet but I have a few tops and a coat that are size 8. I want to be so thin like all of the celebrities because I feel fat. I don't look like the celebrities so I must look fat to everyone.. so I don't eat properly. When I go out I wear baggy jumpers or a coat to hide myself because I'm scared people are just going to laugh at me.

Basically I'm just messed up in the head! I'm stupid, I'm dumb, I'm useless, I'm horrible. My ex used to say that he 'couldn't deal with me' and that 'he wished I didn't have it'. But do you know what, no wonder because I'm realising now how annoying I must be..

What can I do? How can I deal with this? I don't think I can, I'm struggling to handle it. I just keep wanting to cry because of it.. maybe just because I cry over everything recently.. but ahhhhh!

Sorry for the massive moan guys..

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My boyfriend has aspergers, to be honest there is nothing you can do to make it go away. You see the world differently to other people and that's fine. You're a step ahead in that you recognize how you are different (a lot of people with autism don't) and can see a few situations that you struggle with.
    Public transport, I think you should try getting the bus with other people to get you used to it. Maybe ask a friend if they want to get the bus to the next town along? My boyfriend doesn't handle buses well either, but we get the bus to my house after college at least twice a week which he says has really helped him.
    The problems around food are something you should discuss with your doctor, but bare in mind they can't magically make it change. You'll have to address your attitude towards food, and want to change how you feel about being super thin. Again, the fact you recognize these issues is positive because that is the first step to addressing them.
    You can also get support for OCD from the doctor, perhaps CBT or other behavioral therapy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry, I meant I can't get on public transport on my own. Sometimes I go shopping with my sister and nephew so I have to get the bus but she has to ask for the ticket and I have to keep my head down and follow her to the seat.

    Also, I don't like going to the doctors. I have to sometimes but I panic until it's over. I couldn't go and just spill everything to him. When I was 17 I had to start seeing this woman from camhs because I was depressed and hurting myself and it took me ages to start speaking to her properly. She's the one that diagnosed me.

    When I was with my ex we could be at a cafe and I would have to take the children to the toilet and I was so confident. I'd walk through the cafe with my head up, feeling proud because I had 2 beautiful children. Now if I have to go to the toilet I walk with my head down feeling ugly and thinking people are judging me.

    I'm okay if I have my nephew on my own. He's still a baby so I've got to be more confident I guess because he cries in the shops sometimes, he may need his nappy changing in a toilet so I have to carry him through the cafe. He's beautiful and I love him so much and I'm proud to be his auntie. I know he loves me too.

    I'm alright at places I don't really know. For example I've been to London before and I was more confident. I guess it's because, people that have bullied me or judged me, I know there's no chance I might bump into them there.

    I know there's nothing that could make aspergers go away.. I just want to be able to deal with it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think instead of thinking "I can't do this" you need to try and think "this is hard for me, but I will try". Next time you get the bus with your sister, try and ask for the ticket yourself and choose where to sit. Yes, it will be difficult but it's the only way you'll ever start to feel more confident.
    I know the doctors is horrible, but again it's a good way to cope and get support. Instead of speaking to him, you could write a letter and give it to him, this way you can get everything you want to say organized and you wont miss anything when you have your appointment. You could always take your sister or ask for a chaperone.
    What was it about the children that made you feel more confident?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for your replies.

    That's the thing though.. I know I won't try because I'm just stupid and useless.

    And I'd just feel so embarrassed if I gave my doctor a letter.

    Ah the kids. I don't know why I was more confident. I just loved them so much.. I still do. They were gorgeous and crazy and funny. They were like little monkeys. I guess I had to be more confident.. if they feel over at a play centre or at a children's party they came to me so everyone would be looking and asking me if s/he was okay. I took then into school and picked them up from school so occasionally a few of the other mums came over talking to me. The little boy is quite clumsy bless him, so the teacher would tell me that he had banged his head or something. I had to take them to the doctors and dentist and I was okay with their doctor. I'm not sure why. But I guess I had to be more confident, I was like a mum to 2 venerable and shy kids so I wasn't really allowed to be shy myself when I had them.. I'm getting upset again now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you wont even consider trying then there really isn't anything else people can suggest, I know it's very difficult to try something new when you are autistic. I've seen my boyfriend struggle immensely with things like getting on the bus or talking to me in public. The only way he's been able to lessen his anxiety around these things is by doing them, no it's not an easy experience and yes it is challenging but it's the only way you will be able to get over your fears.

    I think it sounds like you enjoyed the responsibility of the children, it gave you something to focus on. Do you have any pets at all? I know it's not the same, but being responsible for an animal is also very rewarding- especially one like a dog that you can take out for walks and train. If you don't want/like dogs then what about volunteering for a children's charity? There are ones for disabled children where you are buddied up, take them on days out and be an older friend for them. Very rewarding as well.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have tried. I wrote about the time I got on a bus on my own and it was horrible so why would I try it again? You don't actually know what it's like do you? I'm not trying to be funny, I'm just saying. I know your boyfriend has it but that doesn't mean you understand what it's like for us.. I'm not just reading your suggestions and thinking 'I'll say no to that..' I honestly don't want to try again and don't think I can. It's too hard for me and this is why I'm upset, because I actually CAN'T do this stuff.

    Yep I have a dog, and I walk him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you don't want/like dogs then what about volunteering for a children's charity? There are ones for disabled children where you are buddied up, take them on days out and be an older friend for them. Very rewarding as well.

    It's not that simple though. Especially when you can't deal with change, large groups of people, etc. (which is my main issue) Many of us also have severe sensory issues. A friend suggested I volunteer with him once a week; (he volunteers in his daughters school - a school for disabled children) but that's not possible due to the way my hearing is.
    I'm just saying. I know your boyfriend has it but that doesn't mean you understand what it's like for us..

    And many Autistic people don't understand what it's like for other Autistic people because we're all different.

    From experience, doctors are useless. I've asked for help for my issues and been told there is none. They did argue that they'd signposted me to stuff. Social services are clueless and NAS don't care about adults and only care about parents of Autistic children. (I am not the only person to have said this)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wow i was only trying to help makes me feel slightly shit that you dismiss everything i say. I know all autistic people arent the same i was just trying to advice based on my experience which is all any one can do. Wont try and help in future.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Seriously? In an above comment I thanked you for your replies. I did point out that I wasn't trying to be funny, I was just trying to explain what I wanted to say. I'm not the best at explaining things (aspergers)

    I don't dismiss everything you say. I pointed out that I have tried to get on a bus on my own before and it was a scary experience that I won't be doing again.

    I can be doing without this too so yeah whatever, don't try and help again if you're going to take things the wrong way.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why make a post asking how to cope if youve already decided you cant do the things and wont try again?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To see if anyone had any suggestions on how to generally cope with aspergers because it is starting to make me upset and angry. And yeah, maybe some suggestions but not on what I've tried already.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So you know what your problem with using public transport is? For me, it's the noise. Even if I've got my MP3 player on, the noise is still pretty clear and loud. :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    So you know what your problem with using public transport is? For me, it's the noise. Even if I've got my MP3 player on, the noise is still pretty clear and loud. :(

    Aww really? I hate loud nosies but the noise on a bus doesn't really bother me. For me I don't like to be on a bus with a lot of people on, and I always panic when it's time to get off. I know I should be fine because when I do go on a bus I'm with my sister but I still panic and think the driver isn't going to stop and that we will get lost or something.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aww really? I hate loud nosies but the noise on a bus doesn't really bother me. For me I don't like to be on a bus with a lot of people on, and I always panic when it's time to get off. I know I should be fine because when I do go on a bus I'm with my sister but I still panic and think the driver isn't going to stop and that we will get lost or something.

    Yeah. My problems are loud and a mixture of noises. I remember one time being at a local Autism support group and I was waiting to leave and some were waiting to come in and it suddenly went noisy. My reaction was to put my hands over my ears and I couldn't speak. Thankfully, it was clear to someone what was wrong.

    Lots of people are also a problem for me. I had to leave a local group because there were too many people there and I was constantly on the verge of panic attacks and meltdowns.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think that it is still quite a big step for someone to come on here and ask for advice. The good thing about this forum is that people can ask anything and everything they want. People dont have to take the advice onboard, but it is something that they can come back to and ponder their thoughts.

    It's obvious to me that some of these issues are quite big for you butterfly, it might take a little bit of time for you to build up to trying some of the suggestions, it might not happen overnight but at least you are here asking questions.

    As for some of the advice "not being that simple" well I would argue that in many cases it is better to have many points of view on here, as to allow someone to make a completely informed decision.

    Of course not all advice will be applicable or good in every single circumstance, but it's always worth remembering that thesite shows up very highly in google search results. In that case the advice could be useful for someone else coming along later.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    Yeah. My problems are loud and a mixture of noises. I remember one time being at a local Autism support group and I was waiting to leave and some were waiting to come in and it suddenly went noisy. My reaction was to put my hands over my ears and I couldn't speak. Thankfully, it was clear to someone what was wrong.

    Lots of people are also a problem for me. I had to leave a local group because there were too many people there and I was constantly on the verge of panic attacks and meltdowns.

    It's good that someone realised what was wrong. I hate it when ambulances drive past with the sirens on. Say I'm walking down the main road and an ambulance is coming I instantly want to cover my ears, but I don't because I feel like all of the people in the other cars will just laugh at me so I have to try and put up with the noise of the siren. I try and subtly block my ear closest to the ambulance on my shoulder but it doesn't really make a difference.

    I can see that, with you, noise is a little worse than people but, with me, people are a little worse than noise.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    G-Raffe wrote: »
    I think that it is still quite a big step for someone to come on here and ask for advice. The good thing about this forum is that people can ask anything and everything they want. People dont have to take the advice onboard, but it is something that they can come back to and ponder their thoughts.

    It's obvious to me that some of these issues are quite big for you butterfly, it might take a little bit of time for you to build up to trying some of the suggestions, it might not happen overnight but at least you are here asking questions.

    As for some of the advice "not being that simple" well I would argue that in many cases it is better to have many points of view on here, as to allow someone to make a completely informed decision.

    Of course not all advice will be applicable or good in every single circumstance, but it's always worth remembering that thesite shows up very highly in google search results. In that case the advice could be useful for someone else coming along later.

    Thanks G-Raffe.

    You're right, it's good that some people may see this and feel that the advice is right for them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Noise cancelling headphones? Expensive, but maybe a solution to public transport noise.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote: »
    Noise cancelling headphones? Expensive, but maybe a solution to public transport noise.

    Is that directed at me, or melian?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    either, both, neither. It's something that might be worth trying.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote: »
    either, both, neither. It's something that might be worth trying.

    Okay, thanks.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote: »
    Noise cancelling headphones? Expensive, but maybe a solution to public transport noise.

    I have a pair and they do help. They are expensive as you say; but they really are worth it.
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