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I need some help.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello,

It's nice to see a forum where I can relate to certain topics, and it's nice to see people offering advice and help instead of judging someone.

I'm 22 years old, and I'm currently in a long term relationship with my girlfriend who's 24. We've been in a relationship for a year now and I guess you could say everything has been going really well. It's only until recently that I've started to have these urges to talk to other women.

I've had a problem with myself talking to women for a while in this relationship (I have been chatting to a few women on Facebook through private message and through whatsapp), many of these women I've known before my relationship started. Whilst my messages are not and have never been sexually oriented or anything of the sort, I have kept it a secret from my girlfriend, and she found out a few months ago and read the conversations I have had.

Of course, in many of these conversations I really do get on well with people, speaking as friends, maybe a bit to much. However, my girlfriend read through all of my messages and made her own conclusion that I was being somewhat unfaithful to her (which is fair enough, secretly messaging people shows that I'm hiding something I guess).

She doesn't trust me is the best way to put it. I've never, ever cheated on her. I know I have betrayed her trust somewhat, but she is extremely jealous as soon as I talk to someone.

I currently have no friends (I lost my friends through a long spell of depression and crippling anxiety for which I'm currently on strong anti depressants). I find myself seeking conversation with women to fill a void of loneliness I feel. What's even worse, is that recently I've started to have these crushes on other girls, which is really inappropriate.

Me and my girlfriend live together, she works, I'm currently out of work due to redundancy and mental illness. I know she really loves me, and if I'm honest, I do not deserve to have her in my life. Because I act like a complete idiot. I know human nature is that red blooded males will feel attraction to other people regardless of the situation, but how do you act when you start to like someone else and you start to have a crush on them? Your mind becomes full of thoughts about them, and you suddenly wish that you could be with them, and have some kind of intimacy with them.

I I don't know how else to say how I feel, but I'm wondering if other people here have felt strong feelings towards other women whilst being in love with someone?

Thanks.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So are you having strong feelings towards these other women you converse with or are you just talking?

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with talking to other people outside of your relationship and you should not have to keep it a secret. I could never have only one friend, or one girlfriend and not exchange myself with other people.

    I can see tho that attention, especially in a romantic/erotic sense can feel very rewarding if you feel alone/friendless. I, too, caught myself upping my amounts of convos with girls and flirting if I feel a bit reclusive. If this is the case for you, I urge you to find things to occupy yourself. A hobby, a sport, friends, whatever. So you have more balance in your life. If you don't work and don't go to school I guess most of your days revolve around TV/Internet/being at home. This is actually advice you should follow whether you see this women purely platonic or emotionally invested.

    If you see those women only as friends then I must wonder why you are not talking to men at a comparable rate? Also, why are you being secretive towards your gf about talking to friends of either gender?


    To wrap this up:
    Just talking to other people about non-explicit things should never be grounds for your partner to be upset. Never.
    It seems to be tho, that you do it as some form of escape.

    i kinda forgot where I was going with this clusterfuck of a response. I don't know. Maybe analyze yourself some more, ask yourself some tough questions and return with a bit more insight.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It appears that you may have too much time on your hands. Sitting at home all day on the internet is bound to lead you into trouble at some point.
    Whilst there is nothing wrong with having female friends, as soon as you start picturing them as something else or hiding their existence it becomes clear to your girlfriend that you're up to something.
    As the saying goes, the devil finds work for idle hands. Get yourself a job or a college course or something that will let you get out there and meet people in a constructive way.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You need to have friends. You need to be able to have some time out of the house without your girlfriend in tow. If there's nothing sexual or even mild flirting then she shouldn't be worried, and if she is when there's nothing to worry about and she's asking you to stop talking to them then that's very controlling behaviour
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    why are you secretive to your gf and why are you making friends with women incomparable to that of the man? Maybe you have some special feelings with other women that you unconsciously feel.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    puffislove wrote: »
    why are you secretive to your gf and why are you making friends with women incomparable to that of the man? Maybe you have some special feelings with other women that you unconsciously feel.

    This is bad advice and you should ignore it, op.

    It's perfectly fine and normal for people to have friends of all genders.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    This is bad advice and you should ignore it, op.

    It's perfectly fine and normal for people to have friends of all genders.
    I think the post you quoted is badly phrased, and means the opposite of what you think it does: Asking why the OP is differentiating between friendships with women and ones with men.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi mch01,

    Welcome to the boards :wave:

    There seems to be a lot going on for you. There is an evident feeling of loneliness and perhaps boredom in some ways - may it be bored of your relationship, your girlfriend or the fact that you currently feel you have no friends and are not working. As others have mentioned, it's hard to stay home and only be entertained by such things as technology - and where you easily have access to people online, who tend to help with this loneliness.

    The feeling that also comes out is that you're also worried of getting to the point of cheating - wanting to cheat, online cheating, feeling guilty of thinking of cheating and actually doing it.
    Your need to hide these conversations from your girlfriend showed you felt you were doing something wrong, even though perhaps if you had told her from the start, it would've been ok.

    You initially say you are happy with your girlfriend, do you feel you want to continue being with her? Could talking to her help? Telling her how lonely you've been feeling could lead to figuring out together how to help you through this.

    In terms of work, are you able to get some work (considering you have anxiety)? Or volunteer? Or as others have suggested, a course? It's really important for you to try and meet people outside your house, as it could help. Must be hard for her to have her own job and friends, while you feel you don't.

    Keep posting and do let us know how you get on :yes: good luck *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A huge thank you to all of you for taking the time to reply to me. I really appreciate it!

    My situation has taken a turn, me and this girl I know from the Czech Republic (I met her before me and my girlfriend started going out, but we're just friends). We've been talking a lot over the past couple of weeks, and she's moving back totthe UK in a few weeks. We've been talking a lot (nothing sexual or anything like that), just friendly chat as we are and have been really good friends for such a long time. We both want to meet each other for a coffee and a catch up. I won't lie, I do have a crush on her, which is something I can not help (attraction is just something us humans can't control).

    My girlfriend whilst I was sleeping snuck my phone from under my pillow and decided to read our whatsapp conversation. She saw our messages, which where just generally chit chat...and our arrangements to meet up and so on...and now my girlfriend has completely taken the situation into me wanting to go off and sleep with this girl etc etc. I never kept our conversations a secret, neither did I lie...we did flirt to each other, but I didn't think haven't a harmless flirt with a friend was such a big problem.

    Now of course my girlfriend isn't happy as she's made up her own assumptions based on nothing. She's twisted it to make it sound like me and my friend are going to meet and have sex and so on...

    I feel as if I can't have friends, and I cant have a life.

    I can't help feeling attracted to someone (I wish I could), but human nature is just something that we can't control.

    Thanks for your replies, and taking the time to help.
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