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Difficulty eating and looking after myself
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My first girlfriend ended our relationship about a month and a half ago, and I am still deeply in love with her, but she no longer seems to care. Naturally I haven't spoken to her since because of this, though I miss her in my every waking moment and it kills me. These are only the start of the problems.
It reaches an extent to which I struggle to eat and drink properly. Eating is the lesser of the two because I usually get one meal a day which is more than when this all started, but now that summer is upon us, I find myself reaching the end of the day and having a headache only to realise that I've not drunk anything since the morning. Its almost as if I'm not realising that I'm thirsty or forgetting to drink completely.
I began with issues sleeping and dreamt of her alot, finding myself waking at precisely 3:30am most nights. But those have faded and for the most part my sleep is now intact (beyond struggling to sleep in the first place). I also wake up with the most awful feeling every morning still. Its like waking up to a perfect world and then a split second later you remember everything is gone.
I've asked for help in multiple places before and I constantly get the same "time heals all wounds". But there must be something else I can do in aid of myself?
My main hopes for outcome of this are:
- Be able to eat properly (or better)
- Stop depriving myself of drinks
- Be able to wake up in the morning without a terrible pain
- Most of all... stop missing her and stop hoping she might miss me
Thank you in advance.
It reaches an extent to which I struggle to eat and drink properly. Eating is the lesser of the two because I usually get one meal a day which is more than when this all started, but now that summer is upon us, I find myself reaching the end of the day and having a headache only to realise that I've not drunk anything since the morning. Its almost as if I'm not realising that I'm thirsty or forgetting to drink completely.
I began with issues sleeping and dreamt of her alot, finding myself waking at precisely 3:30am most nights. But those have faded and for the most part my sleep is now intact (beyond struggling to sleep in the first place). I also wake up with the most awful feeling every morning still. Its like waking up to a perfect world and then a split second later you remember everything is gone.
I've asked for help in multiple places before and I constantly get the same "time heals all wounds". But there must be something else I can do in aid of myself?
My main hopes for outcome of this are:
- Be able to eat properly (or better)
- Stop depriving myself of drinks
- Be able to wake up in the morning without a terrible pain
- Most of all... stop missing her and stop hoping she might miss me
Thank you in advance.
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Comments
From what you’ve said it sounds like this break up has hit you really hard but it’s good you’ve come here to talk about it. She must mean a lot to you if you’re having problems eating and drinking. Break-ups affect everyone differently, but what you’re going through is totally understandable.
Do you think you forget to eat and drink because you’re thinking about her, or is it more to do with feeling down generally? What do you think you could do to remind yourself to drink? Would post-it notes stuck around the house help?
It’s good that you’re sleeping better, even if not like before. That’s already a bit of progress right?! I know that for some people, it helps to focus on positive things, no matter how small they are. Having one meal a day is a good example maybe? Even not thinking about her for an hour or something..
Something else that sometimes works is to find something to look forward to. Is there anything coming up that you can get excited about? Have you got any friends or family you can hang out with? You don’t have to talk through your feelings with them if you don’t want to, but they might help you think about something else for a bit.
I get that it must be really frustrating to be constantly told to wait it out. If you’re interested, we’ve got an article on mending a broken heart that might help – it’s got some practical advice to help get you through the day. I don’t know if you’ve already read up on it, but there’s also one on looking after yourself that might be interesting.
I hope that helps a little. Keep us updated on how you’re doing
- JPick
I think the reason I struggle to eat so much is partly because I think about her and the fact that I realise she isn't with me anymore, it makes me feel sick. I struggle to swallow any food at all when I feel like that and so I end up not eating. The only times I do manage to eat is when my stomach begins to rumble, I only eat to ease that. Now when you're thirsty you don't get something like that, so perhaps thats why I struggle more.
I do hold onto the little things and it does help me momentarily, and that's all I ask for most of the time is that brief escape. I was out with some friends the other day and one them spoke to me later on and told me how they noticed I'd laughed once or twice with them. They were really happy to see it and I guess I didn't realise people cared about me.
Another reason I think I find this hard is because I never desired the single life to begin with. While she now feels free from restraints, I feel like I'm more bound than before. I never had the desire to look at another or do anything with anyone else. She was my all and everything, why would I need more?
I just feel like I dont even know myself sometimes nowadays..
Wanting a close relationship like that doesn't sound silly at all, and I get why suddenly not having that anymore must be really tough.
So you feel sick when you think about her and that’s why it's hard to eat? It's not quite the same, but I find it difficult to eat when I'm really nervous – my stomach just shrivels up - so one of the things that sometimes helps is eating while watching a tv show I like*. It normally distracts me long enough to get a meal down before the nerves return! Do you think something that would work for you?
It's cool that you were out with some friends and that they care about you. That's really positive. You said you laughed with them a couple of times, so it sounds like you had some fun. Do you think you could hang out with them a bit more often? Would that help?
I hope it starts getting easier soon.
*I'd recommend Arrested Development if you're into comedies..
Sometimes I'm managing to have breakfast and one full meal so it seems to slowly be getting better. But I dreamt about her the past 3 nights again (which hasnt happened for a while) and I keep having what are similar to flashbacks I guess. Things like that seem to make me short of breath and putting me through odd emotions.
I did have a good time, she called me up the other night and invited me over to watch a few films with them and that was nice too. Very unexpected. I try not to arrange things too often because I don't want to be a burden on them, I'm sure they have other things to do too. Today in particular I've been quite lonely but I have plans for tomorrow so I think that will help.
Finally, I will try that, I just hope that nothing triggers a memory in what Im watching :S. I do quite like comedies, horror is more usually my thing but I seem to have exhausted the list of horrors. I'll let you know how it goes. I have an online counselling session tonight so hopefully that'll help me too.
Thought I’d check in again and see how you’re doing. How’s the eating going? Did you try watching TV when you’re eating? How about your sleep - are you still dreaming about her?
It’s great that you had a really good day. What were you doing that made you not care about it for a bit? Could you do it again?
You said that one of the reasons you don’t go out that much is because you don’t want to be a burden on your friends. Have you talked to them about it? Perhaps they don’t feel that way. Feeling lonely can be horrible and maybe getting out with them more would help. You also said that you had plans for last Tuesday. How did it go? Were you able to distract yourself a bit?
Hope you’re okay
In terms of eating the hot weather has made it so much more difficult. I don't eat much when it comes to hot weather anyway, I usually just drink alot. So that combined with this has taking a huge hit on my eating habits. I've been having small snacks like a sausage roll every few hours rather than full meals. I know what Im eating is not enough but I am trying to, because I know without it I'll probably end up worse.
I think the reason I didn't care for a bit is that we were all locked away at night time watching films, which is really my kind of thing. Especially because they were all horror films. I really felt part of something again, and needed even. Its happened once again since but it probably won't happen again for a long time. We went on a little bit of a trip this past weekend which distracted me partly. Everyone could tell something was up though, I was checked on regularly, asking if I was okay and I clearly stuck out as being down compared to the rest of them. I tried my best though and they knew what day it was so they understood in a way.
Sleeping, well, I've not been getting much again due to the heat so that's been hard for me to dream I figure, because I've not had one for the past few days and so she hasn't been able to appear in something that doesn't exist. That's a bonus I guess.
Now, what I mentioned earlier regarding this thing I'd done...
I emailed her asking if - now that the summer holidays had begun - she wanted to meet at some point, perhaps go to the cinema or something. It was completely casual; the same sort of thing I would write to a friend. I just felt I needed to see her again, because I miss her alot as a person, not just being with her. Speaking to someone for so long every day and then losing contact completely is unreal. I have no reply as of yet, but its only been a day. I'm very nervous and worried for what she'll say, or even if she'll say anything at all. Following that... how she'll be with me.
So in summary, these few days have had alot of effect with so much happening but Im becoming more conscious of looking after myself which I guess is another bonus.
It sounds like this is still really tough for you, which is completely understandable. But, like you said, there are some positives there. It’s great that you’re becoming more conscious of looking after yourself – that’s one of the aims from your first post, so I guess we can call that progress
I can see that the hot weather can’t be helping. Not great timing for a heatwave.. You said you’re trying to eat more though, so that’s good. When it’s really hot, I find eating early in the morning and later in the evening is sometimes easier as it’s generally a bit cooler. Maybe you could try that?
Not dreaming about her does sound like a bonus. Every hot, humid, heatwave cloud has a sliver lining I guess. They say it should get a little cooler this week, so perhaps that’ll make life a bit easier.
I can understand wanting to see her again. It must have taken a lot to send her an email. You said that you met up with her on the 19th but you also said it was a hard day. Why was it hard do you think? Did being with her make you feel worse? Did you feel worse afterwards? Let us know if/when she gets back to you.
Take care
Oh, sorry I see my mistake there. I didn't meet with her on the 19th, I met with the friends I mentioned before, I should have specified. It was a hard day obviously because I would spend it with her, we'd give each other small meaningful presents and be a little soppy ahah. Like I said, they tried to distract me but my mind was on her for most of the day. This is the second day and I don't have a reply to my email yet, if I do get one at all that is. So I don't know what's happening, I don't know if she's read it or if she will want to meet yet. Still quite nervous.
This summer does feel pretty empty with all these unfulfilled plans that we had going through my head.
Ah, okay – I misunderstood, sorry about that. It’s clear why it was hard now.
Distracting yourself must be really difficult, especially waiting for her to reply and facing the summer without her. Can you think of any new plans? Maybe taking up a new hobby or going on a trip? Would something like that help do you think?
Slept on the floor last night to try and evade the heat, which did work, but I also dreamed. For the most part I was just walking through town on a casual normal day. The end of the dream was harsh though. Someone placed their hand on my shoulder and I turned round to find her face there just staring at me blankly. That lasted for no more than two seconds and then I woke in the same sensation as when you dreamt you fell. Very weird
Has she still not responded? I can imagine that's hard and is difficult not to think about. If you feel up for it, we're running a positive thinking chat tonight from 19:30 to 21:00. If you're interested, you can sign up here. It might help take your mind of things for a bit.
You said you're saving up for uni. Will it be your first year, or have you already started? What do/will you study? Is it something that you can look forward to maybe?
Yeah, its my first year doing Game Development. I'm looking forward to it all; a fresh start away from literally everything. Sounds perfect to me but its a while yet so Im trying not to think of it.
Ah, so you're starting uni? That's cool - definitely something to look forward to; a fresh start as you said. Game development also sounds interesting! What kinds of things will you be doing (programming, design, writing etc.)? Do you play a lot at the moment?
I'm going to be doing the programming side of things. Its more my field, less creative more numbers ahah.
Programming eh? Waaay above my head - I was always terrible at the whole numbers thing. Still, it's good that you're going into something you're comfortable with! Is game development something you want to pursue as a career then?
I don't understand why I feel like I shouldn't be getting better. I suppose its a sense of feeling guilty of letting go, like giving up on someone in a way. I know that it needs to be done, but there's some sense of guilt in letting go. Im beginning to accept there's little chance she will contact me now, perhaps in a few months time when I begin university, she might wonder how I am and email me then, but again; its all unlikely.
Yeah, I've been gaming for a long time - as long as I can remember - but like everything else, its less appealing since. Though programming really interests me, I'm not the best at it just yet, I'm hoping this will change that. Its such a nice feeling to fix those few bugs in the code and see it all work properly. I'd like to get into game development but I know its a tough industry and has some serious deadlines and working times. Still, I'd like to try it in the least.
You’ve clearly had a think about what you said about almost not wanting to feel better. Your last post seems like a really good insight. Do you think that you understand what you’re feeling more now? A sense of guilt happens to a lot of people after a break up and I can understand that it must be hard to deal with. Can you think of anyway you can try and work though that feeling?
I can imagine that it’s really satisfying to fix bugs. It can be so frustrating when a game doesn’t quite work as it should. The number of times I’ve got stuck in the scenery or a save not load! Have you done much game programming in the past? The idea of uni is to learn, so it probably doesn’t matter that you’re not the best at programming yet – as you say, that’s hopefully what the course is for
It might be that I feel the reason she ended it was my fault. I wasn't good enough or did something (even though I can't recall something that would've changed things). The first few weeks of our relationship I genuinely believed that my friends had set up a harsh prank and so I stayed relatively distant, not letting myself get to attached until I began to suspect this was the real deal. It was too good to be true, a girl of this calibre didn't want a guy like me, that just didn't happen. I'm physically unappealing and hardly the most interesting of people, I have dark thoughts and (to some) a slightly twisted taste in films. I guess she was "different" too and that was the only appeal. Or maybe she just thought it'd be easy to get me.
I haven't done much for games specifically, but I've practiced a few languages in my A Level computing course (which didn't go so well). I learnt some basic HTML and PHP so I'm able to build some basic websites etc. Along with that I've done Visual Basic which I can use to create some databases and random programs to work out various totals. The more I think of university the more appealing it becomes; total seclusion from all I know now - a completely new start and of course I'll have to meet some new people, but they won't need to know of my unreasonable struggle with this.
You said you feel it was your fault that she ended it because you stayed fairly distant at first. Have I understood that correctly? If so, did that change once you began to suspect that it wasn’t just a harsh prank? It sounds like your self-esteem is pretty low generally and that you felt like there was a mismatch in your relationship. It may be worth looking at another couple of articles on the site about low self esteem and building self esteem. In what way was she “different” too? What kinds of things did you have in common? Were they not enough to build a relationship on?
HTML, PHP and Visual Basic are 3 pretty important languages right? Seems like quite a good grounding to take forward and build on. I remember trying to persuade visual basic to make me a macro for MS word and spending hours on Google trying to work out how to do it. Safe to say I’m not a natural!
It’s great that you’re getting excited about going to university. Do you find it helps to have something to look forward to?
She was.. is, a goth (they really appeal to me, I'm not sure why), and so she probably felt like an outcast too. Though she seemed happy about it, the fact that other people didn't want to know her.. I've grown to be like that too. We had plenty we both enjoyed and were both quite open-minded so we'd be up for the majority of things. Music was a big thing for us though. To this day, which is at least two months since (I've lost track exactly), I can't listen to particular songs and even whole bands.
Quite important, yeah, as far as I know anyway aha. I like the idea of having a small advantage on the others in my course, it means I have to spend less time learning in the early weeks of university; that'll leave space for other things. It does help, I can't wait to escape the memories that haunt where I live. I can't wait to be free of everyone and be alone for a while.
It’s interesting that you told a friend that you would be ‘mostly okay if she ended it now.’ You clearly had a lot of confidence and it sounds like you had moved past the self doubt that you had at the beginning. It must be difficult coming from that to feeling negative about yourself again. Do you think that’s part of why you’re feeling down now? Do you miss the feeling of confidence that you had? The silver lining of this, I guess, is knowing that you can feel like that. If it’s happened once, it can happen again. You said that she was fine with feeling like an outcast, and that you’ve grown to be like that too. Could that maybe be one of the reasons you gained confidence? Has that gone now?
It’s annoying when you can’t listen to certain music because of associated memories. I think a lot of people have a few songs like that. Still, a good reason to explore new music! What kind(s) of music do you usually listen to?
Doing a bit of prep for uni is a great idea
Have you looked at your course syllabus? Do you know exactly what you’ll be covering at first? Perhaps you could do a bit more prep to take your mind of things and get you psyched up? Also, as you said, it would give you more time to focus on other things. Do you start in September or October?
Following that I've found myself cycling through the memories of us, and that's what makes this the most difficult, if I could just forget those I'd be fine by this point. How can you forget what made you happiest in your life?
Yes; my confidence is gone. I see myself in the mirror and feel like I couldn't appeal to anyone at any given time, and even if I did why would they stay for long? I don't have many interesting qualities to keep them wanting more. So essentially I find myself both far below par physically and mentally.
Ahaha. Heavy metal. I find the more hardships I go through the heavier it gets. A favourite of mine (if you can bare it long enough) is Elegies by Make Them Suffer. I know many people will be quick to judge, but lyrically the song is beautiful and naturally many people can apply it to themselves at some point.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pa0_Mu3uFfo - If you're interested enough.
I've briefly looked at it, I figured I'd focus more on getting into living on my own and sorting out the usual household tasks before looking more into my course. I have time to prepare for that while I settle in, I'm sure of that much. I start in late(-ish) September; around the 20th.
On the bright side - because there is always one - I've gotten into reading again, which I haven't been too motivated for since middle school. Its an escape from thinking about the past and I can really become consumed if only for short amounts of time. Ironically though, the books that I read (mostly horror; at the moment Just After Sunset by Stephen King) tend to have a lot of failing marriages involved. This really doesn't do any wonders for my lack of faith in a stable relationship, but nevermind I guess.
By this point I should have asked at least once how you have been (if I haven't already), its only polite isn't it? Thank you by the way, for keeping this support up over such a period of time, its become somewhat of a pleasant surprise each time I find a reply.
I can imagine that cycling through memories makes it difficult. Have you ever seen the film ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’?
I’m sorry to hear your confidence is so low. Can you think of any way you can boost it a bit? Has there been anything that’s worked in the past that you could try? For example, some people find being around friends helps. You also said that you feel you’re below par mentally and physically. Could you address the physical bit by doing some kind of sport/exercise, or going to a gym? As for the mental aspect, did you feel the same way before you met your ex?
Heavy metal eh? Fair enough. I watched the song you linked to – very poetic with some nice imagery going on. I like the rawness that the vocals bring to the lyrics. It’s an emotive contrast and I see your point about many people being able to apply it to themselves. A little too heavy for me though! My limit hovers around Fair to Midland (comparatively light example, but what a bass line!).
Getting into living on your own sounds like a good idea. It’s good that you’ve got some kind of plan. Will this be the first time you’ll have lived away from home?
It’s great that you’re reading again. Haha, that is ironic, but I suppose it might help you recognise the signs of a failing relationship (ghosts walking around and stuff :P). But seriously, that sounds good, especially if it helps you escape from thinking about the past for a while.
I’m well, thanks for asking And you’re welcome. These things often take time, which is absolutely understandable.
Trouble with confidence is something that has plagued me for a long time. Sometimes I feign confidence with small bursts that are out of character, just when first meeting people though. I don't feel physically unappealing in terms of weight or build; because I've lost a lot of weight through my lack of eating, I just feel unappealing in terms of features; face etc. - things you can't really change. As for mentally... I felt ridiculously low in confidence before her, couldn't understand why anyone would be interested at all, I see myself as boring and plain. It changed when she actually showed interest, it was a massive boost for me, it meant so much, then losing it made it feel like it was never real at all.
Its all about the lyrics when it comes to music for me, that's why my taste can be so extreme from one end to another; though its generally heavy metal. It seems that metal bands generally write about the pain and suffering that we have - or will - go through in life; both emotionally and physically. I really liked that song to be honest, probably going to look into more of that ahah.
Reading about failing relationships is going to do some good about it. I'm sure of that, but it does make it seem slightly hopeless. Stories of multi-decade marriages falling apart at the hands of a cheating spouse, its only a story sure, but that doesn't mean it hasn't happened. Regardless, its still better to be reading that than thinking about the past.
How's life at the moment? Did you get up to anything at the weekend?
Sounds like meeting your ex's ex was generally a positive thing then - seeing that he's doing better and got past it, even if you're experiences have been different.
I hear what you said about feeling as though that confidence you had with her was never real. Do you think that's true? I've linked to it before, but just in case, we've got an article on building self-esteem and a Q&A on confidence boosting if either of those is of interest. Can you think of anything else you can do that might help? Have you met up again with the friends you mentioned a while ago?
Haha, glad you liked the song. They've got a couple of really solid albums you could check out. It's interesting how heavy metal bands are often so strong on lyrics, and I can see where you're coming from on that. If it's that good to listen to, I can imagine it must be a whole other thing playing it. Do you play or have you ever tried learning an instrument?
I've read through both articles multiple times and while its easy to read and understand, it's not so simple to put into practice. I think the source of my confidence while we were together was the fact that I had achieved what I thought not possible. I couldn't see any possible reason for a girl to choose me amongst the crowd. Once that was gone so was the boost I guess. But the little thought that it -has- happened is there edging me on.
We did go to the pub the other night, they had a number of bands on and so we were there for a good length of time. Drinks came and went and eventually I found myself influenced, with that came confidence. They hadn't seen me like it before, I was dancing and at times headbanging strongly in time with the music. One in particular kept saying how nice it was for her to see "this side of me" and urged me to come out with them more. Today, I spoke to one of those that were there and they said that I'd spoken about "her" quite a bit to a few people. I don't think I did much, but I can't recall it all I guess. She didn't seem too happy about that. Oh well, I enjoyed the night.
I've considered it, and attempted very very basic guitar, but it just doesn't seem to flow well with my hands. Nor does the keyboard, which funnily enough I figured may have been my best chance with an instrument because I can type so fast and fluently with a computer keyboard, could easily create a perfect map of each key; alt's, shift's and all. Guess some things aren't so simple eh ?
I can understand that reading articles and putting them into practice are two very different things. Do you feel they've helped you at least understand things that you could do to help increase your confidence?
Sounds like you had a good night then! Dancing, head-banging and everything It's interesting that the girl you talked about said it was nice to see that side of you. Was it nice to hear that? (I realise it was a while ago now!) Have you thought of ways to encourage that side out a bit more?
Guitar and piano aren't the easiest instruments. I guess persistence is key really (get it ). Maybe it's tricky to get the patterns down on a piano keyboard because your hands often have to change positions, unlike a computer keyboard?
Thinking about it hasn't really gotten me anywhere, the best bet I seem to have is to just "go for it". Get to the point where I've started something and can't back out aha. I've managed to meet a few new people which went okay (as far as I know). Even met a nice girl in the pub the other day who seemed interested enough to maintain a conversation, later on it turned out she was a lesbian - which while I'm not interested in a relationship - annoyed me a little still ahaha.
It was nice to hear that, because I've always had a soft spot for her and I'm not sure why. Little things to do with her can affect me and I'm not sure she knows it, so she helps alot without realising. Being a little drunk or something similar seems to be the only way, because its the only way I gain a confidence and ignorance of other people watching.
Mhm, as much as I'd love to be able to play something, I don't have the time to practice it right now. It would make sense that the patterns (and even the strength and method to key presses) wouldn't match and so it'd be weird.
Just thought I'd check in again. How are you doing?
You're starting uni in just over a week right? Are you excited about it?
It's interesting what you said about just going for it. Maybe cutting out the thinking part can make life easier sometimes!
Let us know how it's going
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it now. Funnily enough I had a girl add me on Facebook who was going to the same university and she said it was because she thought I was "cute"; little bit of an ego boost for me there aha. I really can't wait now.
I appreciate the fact that you're still checking even though things are on the up. I think I'll be hitting the support chats a bit more now that things are looking better too!