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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
This post is the most hypocritical thing ever. I am one of those people who like their personal life to be remain private. But, I really need help and advice and don’t know where else to go. And, this is the only place where people know us or about us.

Now, I can feel exactly what Sam was going through when I made her promise not to talk about us on here.

Past two weeks have been like a hell with Sam’s accident and surgery. She is currently recovering but it will take time for her to get back to normal.

So we don’t know if she is going to be exactly like before or she will change. The
hdoctors are doing their best. She will get physical therapy and psychological help to get over trauma but probably she might end up as a changed person. I am really scared of that. I do not know what changes to expect. Right now she does not talk much though she understands everything but she does not talk as in there is no conversation. She looks so lost at times. I bought her new mobile as hers is lost put songs and games for her but she does not use it.

Lots of her friends and family are visiting but she does not talk to them. A person who is always so chirpy and talkative suddenly goes in silent zone. I just want her to be what she was before, before all this.

We have been having problems in our relationship before all this happened and things had almost ended. Being in a relationship with a person who suffers from abandonment issue is the most difficult thing ever. I was in a place where I felt suffocated and Sam was in a place where she thought I would leave her. But it was Sam who walked out on us. Things went so bad where I sent her all kinds of hate messages and told her to go die. And then this accident happened.

I feel guilty all the time, all the time. I wanted bad things to happen but not as bad as this. And now she is lost. I had an email from Sam where she clearly said that she was going to leave and move somewhere far and it was decided we would talk before making any further decisions. Now that talk never happened.

Now I do not know what to do, what to say? How to go back in past and make it all right? I am just sat here typing this and thinking what when Sam will see all this. Will she forgive me? Will she be same?

So many questions left unanswered. Probably I am a horrible person because I know I have made her suffer too. I just wish she gets better and be like before. I just want her to talk even if not to me to someone. She just keeps quiet. :crying:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh Jen *hug*

    Firstly this must be such a tough time. I can't even imagine what I would do if anything happened to Emma. By the sounds of it Sam is still recovering and it might take her a long time to recover. Even then, there's no guarantees. But you just need to take it one day at a time x when my dad was really ill we didn't know what would happen and you can spend all your energy panicking about where you will be in 2 weeks,2 months, 2 years or whatever. But you just need to take it as it comes. The human body is a weird thing and you can't always predict how its going to react.

    Secondly about the things you said.. everyone, and I mean everyone, has said cruel things they don't mean. It's part of being human, saying things we don't mean and upsetting people, and also having that said to us and being upset. Maybe eventually when Sam is getting better you can have that conversation with her, but for now I think you just need to put it to one side and accept you're human and that's ok.

    As guilty as you feel, you're there for her now. You're by her bedside, keeping a lookout for her, making sure she has her phone with songs she likes, worrying about her and trying your best. If you ask me, that doesn't make you sound like a horrible person at all xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Recovery from head trauma can take a long time

    https://www.headway.org.uk/rehabilitation-after-brain-injury.aspx

    As it says in the link, a clear prognosis wont probably be given until six months have passed and more likely a year. It's a long, drawn out process BUT you and the others are doing the right thing.

    If you read that article, brain cells can't be replaced, once they're gone they're gone BUT the brain can 'rewire' itself so that other parts of the brain can take over the functions of the parts that were damaged. This process can be speeded up by engaging the person in evryday things.

    It must be hell trying to be cheery and engaging someone when you get little or nothing back but it's gonna take time, probably a lot of time, but you are doing the right thing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello,

    Thank you Shy boy and Rubber Skin for your responses. I really appreciate all the help and support that I have been getting from this community and its members. I have gone through the links that you have posted and few more given below. They were very helpful for me to understand.

    http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Head-injury-severe-/Pages/Recovery.aspx#commentCountLink
    https://www.headway.org.uk/Effects-of-brain-injury.aspx
    http://www.msktc.org/tbi/factsheets/Understanding-TBI

    Sam's family and I had a long discussion with her doctors; they will be running few tests tomorrow and probably start with her physical therapy soon. Though the doctors have told us not to get nervous and stay positive and that each brain injury case is different. The time it will take her to recover will depend on the care she gets and her will. As far as I know she is strong and a fighter so keeping my fingers crossed and praying.

    The only thing that worries me is her not talking because she is not like that at all. I have always seen her different. Always seen her happy and having fun, just feel scared if all that is lost. The day goes by busy with work and hospital but at nights I just feel scared and don?t know what to do. I just end up having bad thoughts and panic attacks. I just keep on feeling guilty and all this is my fault.

    I just wish everything goes back to how it was. I won?t be able to forgive myself. Sometimes I wish it was me instead of her because she knows how to take care of people much better than I do. If only, I could go back in past and change things.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it's not a major contribution to this thread but today I was working with someone who had a brain injury and it took him a while to regain speech.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for all responses. Everything is much appreciated. Everyone has been so supportive and I fall short of words to thank.

    Sam had few tests today to see her progress and she is doing well with her mobility and reflexes. Though the doctors are concerned regarding her speech and they too think it might be because of depression or trauma. They will be starting with counseling and physiotherapy soon. Still will be running few tests on Saturday. Keeping fingers crossed.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know how to deal with the situation anymore.
    Nothing I do can change past, it will always haunt us. :crying:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You can only be haunted by something that frightens you. Most of the time, we're only scared of things we don't understand and can't learn from. Or spiders.

    The past is to be learned from and understood, and you can and will in time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hug* Not really got anything of use to say, but just to let you know there's a card on the way for Helen to pass on, and me and Jack are thinking of you both. How's she doing today?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I do not know what to say probably what I will say will look like complaint or probably, I am over reacting. Frankly Sam is not doing very well.

    She cried a lot today and did not speak to me or her parents. She does not want to meet her friends or relatives either. Food is another big concern though we can not give her solids yet but, she does not eat much of what we get. I am really scared because it seems she is drifting away from everyone, avoiding everyone.

    The psychologist also came today to talk to her but she did not like it. Her parents and I are worried a lot.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounded like she had a better day yesterday though from what you were saying in chat, I guess she'll have up days and down days. I can't imagine how hard it must be but try focus on the better bits, the fact that she was texting and talking yesterday is a really good sign :)

    And really don't worry about sounding like you're over reacting, I promise you you're not :) loads of hugs xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really want to thank Angel, Nina, BRE and Ellie for the beautiful gesture. It means so much to Sam. I have shown the picture to her and it is on her mobile too. Will be printing and putting it in scrapbook too. Thank you all again. Hugs and Love. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *Jen* wrote: »
    I really want to thank Angel, Nina, BRE and Ellie for the beautiful gesture. It means so much to Sam. I have shown the picture to her and it is on her mobile too. Will be printing and putting it in scrapbook too. Thank you all again. Hugs and Love. :)

    It's no problem, glad she likes it :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Today was awful; Sam's friends or so called group came down to hospital to meet her and they bought pictures of their parties to show Sam when they all left her and she was no more in their group. It was so pleasant to show off something like that to a person who is already in bad state and justifying it with that it would help Sam with her memory.

    The irony was that Sam is not even in any one of those photographs. I just feel so tied up that I am only "best friend" hence, limited in my rights to say things to them and Sam can just not be mean.

    To end it all she does not want to meet anyone anymore and was left with tears. Took me two hours to talk to her and make her feel okay. Some people will hurt others in such situation makes me question so much in regards to being humane.

    I just feel like I have this broken person and everyday is a struggle to put back the pieces together. :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Firstly apologies for putting posts so often.I already said that it was an awful day but, it did not stop at that her friends coming in and showing off and portraying in a way that how they all left her became too much for Sam and probably triggered off her insecurities regarding abandonment.

    Her parents and I are doing our best to keep her stress free, happy and help her as much as we can. But, there are people who can be really insensitive. Why would people hurt someone who is already in pain this is something I am unable to understand?

    I tried to talk a lot to her at hospital and when I came back in night I was trying to keep her cheerful by sending her jokes and funny videos but she kept on responding with sad face. Then, she asked me if I would miss her if she had died. I tried to talk to her, tell her and persuade her how much she was loved and how much everyone cared, that she would get well soon and should rest and not think much.

    But she would not listen; she just gets so stubborn at times. All she kept on doing was texting about past and things that hurt her and that she remembers them. Finally, I lost my calm a little and told her that I will take her mobile if she does not rest and now I feel so guilty.

    She had just started communicating a little after almost two weeks and this is what I do. Clearly, I am also as insensitive as others. I should have not lost my calm. I do not want her to be silent like before, I want her to talk.

    I wanted to go to hospital to check on her but; they do not allow visitors at night and now I am at home lying awake and worried thinking how do I convince her that I am not leaving her like others and make her believe in me.

    I know I have hurt her and said things way too harsh but I just can't go back in past and change things. This is what I meant, when I said the past will always haunt us. But, what do I do with a person who thinks that all this is just "Pity" and we do not care for her as we said mean things to her in past and none of us were there for her when she needed?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Jen
    Please don't apologise about posting on here often - it seems like it's helping you to have somewhere to let your own feelings and thoughts out - and that's a good thing :)

    Try to remember what a difficult position you're in - it's hard being the person closest to someone who is ill in hospital. You sound like you're doing an amazing job, but no one is perfect and it can take its toll when the person who is ill is taking out all their frustrations and disappointments on you.

    It doesn't make you a bad person to let off steam occasionally - it makes you normal. The main thing is that you're there for Sam - and you obviously care for her a great deal and she will feel that.

    As for her so-called friends, try not to let it get to you. They may have been doing what they thought was right - even if it was misplaced. If they come again, maybe have a quiet word first and ask them to come only alone or in pairs so its not so overwhelming?

    *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Really appreciate your advice Spanner and thank you for your support. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You sound like a wonderful friend, Jen. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you Melian. :)
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