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No idea what to name this! Struggling?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Today was supposed to be the day I gave it all up. It was all planned. Letters were written. But in a moment of madness I destroyed the lot because I was "doing ok"...only now I'm not and all day I have really struggled with the overwhelming feeling of thinking I should no longer be here. I really struggle with the fact I was never like this before my Dads death and it scares me how I am now feeling like this on and off. It isn't me and I don't recognise this person. Who am I now? I should be happy and celebrating my birthday today but I just don't feel like it. Does that make me selfish? I don't mean it to sound that way. I know I'm extremely lucky but I hate myself right now. Really hate myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I just can't pull myself out of this mood.
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Well done for being honest and posting here - it can't be easy to say all that *hug*
I'm so sorry that you had such a firm plan in place, but there is some light in the tunnel if you felt good enough to destroy them all. Even if they are only small glimpses, at least they are there - and they will get longer with time.
I know we always say this, but if you can contact the Samaritans tonight then I think it would be good for you - even if you email them if you don't feel able to call. They are trained to deal with these situations and will be able to provide the space you need to talk right now. You can call them on 08457 90 90 90 or email jo@samaritans.org.
Big hugs... take care *hug*
I sent Sams an email. I literally wrote an essay of all the jumbled up mess of thoughts in my head...it took me at least an hour between sobbing...but their response hardly acknowledged anything I had written so it just made me feel worse
Only a PM away lovely
You are a far stronger person that I suspect you will ever manage to believe and I for one have huge admiration for you.
Samaritans are mainly a listening service, or in the case of email, a reading service. It must be hard, but try not to feel like because they didn't respond to everything that it somehow doesn't matter.
Now that some more time has passed, maybe it's worth trying Cruse again - you might get someone different this time. It's unlikely to be a quick response, but might be something further down the line.
On an unrelated note, I'm a firm believer that birthdays are overrated. There's all this air of expectation around them, and you're supposed to be bright and cheery and happy and in a party mood - when in reality, it's just another day and for many people it's a marker that brings out the low points. Pretty much all their good for is an excuse to have cake in the office. Nom. Nom. Cake.
Normally Sams are brilliant - I think because of how I feel right now it just made me feel like they weren't interested...I know that isn't the case and it's just me being me but I guess just some acknowledgement was all I wanted?
I don't know if Cruse is the right place because it's not all related...I am contemplating going back to counselling in general though. I might go back to my work one...
I completely agree on the Birthdays thing - I know most of the people I see IRL don't get it but it's nice to know people here understand! I did enjoy lots of cake though!
Hugs - I echo SM's statement about having admiration for you. You won't believe it yet, but you are doing really well. I'm also gonna echo everyone's support of you going back to counselling. It might be the right time for you to take full advantage of it.
How are things between you and the doctor? Are you getting any support there? I read Stephen Fry's blog the other day (http://www.stephenfry.com/2013/06/24/only-the-lonely/). One of the lines that I picked up on and why I've posted it here is the part where he's talking about how he went onto medication and realised that he didn't have to live with his norm being suicidal feelings.
Me and this new GP get on Ok - he seems really helpful (he was the one who gave me Diazepam for anxiety but it increases the depressed feelings!) and is the same GP who put my sister on ADs.
Thank you to the link to his blog - that was the line that stood out to me too! Maybe a trip back to the GP it is - I was also given a book voucher for my birthday and I would quite like to read his autobiography!