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I've got a load of mental health problems

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Whoever said life was supposed to be happy has certainly pushed me aside, because my life is just hell. I know life has it's ups and downs, but for me it's always getting worse. Every little thing sets me off, I can't stop crying. I've given up hope. Everytime I think: don't give up something gets worse. Everyday I'm struggling, eveday is a constant battle, and I'm just so mentally exhausted, and the worst thing is I don't get any help or support.
There is a list of things that all add up to my life being horrible.
1. I have ocd, and it's just really bad. i've had it for 4 years, and one of the intrusive thought is I think someone, just a random person is deliberately harm me, like put something in my food/drink, clothes, anything. This happens a lot during the day, and in order to use that thing, I have to ask reassurance: Has (name) put something in my (thing). If my mum doesn't answer, I have to remember so I can ask. Sometimes my mum is nice about my ocd but sometimes she's horrible and just says: your not trying hard enough. At the moment, there are so many stuff I have to remember to ask reassurance it's just crammed and I can't cope with it anymore. It's just getting worse and worse. Also I have to repeat random things, like if I pick up a cup and there's a horrid image or a horrid thought in my head I have to put it down and pick it up so on....Also I have to keep crossing out and writing it again and again, and type it and if I have a horrid thought I have to cross it out and type it out again. I can't even just write this wihout keep on crossing it out. I'm stressed 24/7. I've forgotten what it feels like to just have nothign at the back of mind, just relax and focus. I can't concentrate on anything, there's always things I have to remember to ask for reassurance. Imagine you have a load of homework to do, and you can't do it, but you knwo you have to do it, and you can't concentrate on anything else, well you can't enjoy anythin coz it's always on the back of your mind, times that by 100 and you'll ave an idea what it's like for me everyday minute of every single day. there's only so much stress a brain can take and i feel like im gonna go mad.
2. I don't have anyone. I have no friends, camhs stopped my treatment last november on the basis that: your home life is bad so there's no point in it...that made me feel like there as no hope at all for me. I have a school counseller, and although talking about it's nice, it doesn't really help. I only see her once a week for half an hour so doesn't really help. What I need is treatment and for my mum to stop messing up my life. My life changes all the time. Only last last week I went home to find my mum had gone into my room, she knows how stressed I get but she still went in my room. I get really stressed i someone goes in my room because I'm worried someone is trying to harm me like put somehting ..... anyway, I had a massive breakdown and when i asked her why she did it, she just said: it's my flat I have a right. I know you have a right but it's still jueat mean. I was just recovering from it, on monday my dad randomly just walked into our flat(I hadn't seen him in 3 months since the last time he randomly turned up). I completely...I just completely lost control. I basically just went bonkers, kicked the wall which only hurt my feet and now there are weird veins ticking out and stuff, and puched the wall which onlu made my knucles hurt and basically i just collapsed in a heap on the floor and just screamed. I think I'm going mad. With all the stress I alrady have, I'm only just about not losing it even without the stress of anything changeing. change like this is just like pushing me over ht edge.
3. I have insomnia, my qualiy is sleep is just bad, I'm tired all the time. I sometimes have this horrible feeling. like imagine scratching your nails down a chalkboard, it's like that but not exactly that. I ususally get ti at night so I can't close my eyes otherwise it's worse so i have to keep my eyes open and so I stay aake like the whole night. Also i have panic attacks, im often sick and dizzy, and i have depression. you may have guessed with a life like mine its impossible not to just feel a bit upset.
4. I just given up hope. im tired of being exhaused all the time. i always try my best, but everytime i try to be brave and not lose hope life just throws it all back in my face.
I wish I was brave enough to kill myself, I have thought of it like a lot but I don't think I'll ever be brave enough. You have to be well brave to actually kill yourself coz it goes against every instinct you have but I'm just a coward.

Comments

  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Hey, Welcome to TheSite. :)

    It's great that you have taken that step to posting and getting some support. We are here for you.

    Sorry to hear how things are for you. Hopefully posting on here will help you.

    Here is some info on OCD that is on TS. It could be of some help to you.

    It sounds tough for you, but your not alone, we care about you as an online community. :)

    Also sorry to hear how alone you feel. It is good that you have a school counselor, that is something. Could you maybe speak to her about some extra sessions? I am sure she wont mind if you explain that it helps you, they have a duty of care, and will just want the best for you. How does this sound?

    I understand how horrible it must have made you feel when your mum went in your room, maybe you both could calmly talk about things, and set some boundaries in place. E.g. Maybe your mum only going in your room when you are there, and building up that trust so eventually you feel more comfortable with her going in your room.

    There is also a section on stress on TheSite, it could be worth you taking a look at, Stress happens to us all at some stage in our life, but it's how we manage it, that whats important.

    Not sleeping has a big impact on how we feel both physically and emotionally. I have had problems with sleep for years so I understand how you feel. Good sleep hygiene is good and does help. I have found it quite useful. :) Hopefully it helps you as well.

    Don't give up on hope, you are probably a lot stronger than you think. You are still going, you took that step to post on here, and get some support that shows you that you are not done yet, and you want the help and support.

    Stay strong. We are all here for you.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    Hey Madison,

    Welcome to TheSite.org message boards, and a massive well done for being able to post so expressively towards a new audience, it can be difficult when learning to trust a new audience of people. Claire's offered some amazing support, and I'm really just going to echo it to be honest, whoever said 'Life is supposed to be happy' was darn right wrong, were humans, we'll have times where were riding a roller coaster really fast, and at times, just sliding across a rainbow peacefully, it's the same with emotions, sometimes you'll be overwhelmed and distressed, and at times, you'll just go with the flow, but I guess it's about individual preferences when it comes to coping with emotions.

    It sounds as though things are rather overwhelming at the moment; you've said you don't currently get any support at the moment, have you ever had counselling in the past? Often just having someone to express your worry thoughts to, for example a professional a counsellor can be beneficial, TheSite.org have a really useful article on counselling to that you might also find beneficial to check out. Do let us know what you think about the article.

    Have you heard a famous quote that says 'When you want to give up think about what's held you up so long' or something along those lines, I've spent many hours pondering about that, and often I guess it's about yelling to yourself, I can get through this when you're struggling.

    You're not going mad, Madison, you're just really struggling at the moment, and you can get through this, just keep reaching out to us, you've done an amazing job reaching out to people on here, it sounds like your OCD has had a massive impact on your behaviour and the way you cope, but I'm glad your mum can be helpful (At times) - Often I guess it's thinking about what your mental health impact has on your mother, I've had my father act repulsive to my mental health needs, as he was generally struggling to understand what was going on with me, and often when you struggle to offer advice to someone you get trapped in your own emotions which can again be very difficult. Do you find it beneficial when asking for reassurance on a particular topic?

    It sounds as though you could do with some relaxing time, mindfulness is about clearing your mind, and focusing on your senses, I've often found self-soothing beneficial when I've felt over whelmed, for example massaging your arms, or legs, and really focusing on the texture the smell, and describing how it feels, does it feel nice, sticky even? Clear your mind for a bit and just focus on that. Often when we have so much going on for us, and having to keep it to yourself you generally do end up struggling to concentrate, however you're not alone. Talking to your GP might also be beneficial, as they will be able to point you in the right directions.

    CAMHS stopped your treatment on the basis off your home life being bad? How long where you with CAMHS for? - They can't stop your treatment for that reason, I'm surprised they had, however don't let CAMHS put you off getting more support, as Madison, you deserve the support you need. But I'm glad you've reaching out to counsellors at school, I have to be honest, I've never found school counsellors as beneficial as specialist organization ones, for example CAMHS related ones, etc. Half an hour session can be beneficial for some, but I guess it's about exploring alternative therapy options, could you ask to be signposted to services via the school counsellor?

    As Claire had said, sleep can again have a massive impact on how we feel, I've found talking Kalms beneficial when it came to sleep, you can get those over the counter really. If you ever feel as though you're in immediate danger, please reach out and call 999.

    Please keep reaching out to us,
    Best wishes,
    Angel
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Banana monkey
    Thank you for replying, it makes me happy to know people out there do actually care :) I actually know quite a lot about ocd now, but thank you anyway, yeah I've looked at it before.
    I've got an appointment with her tommorow actually, I'll bring it up, but I dont think she will offer me some extra sessions as she only comes into my school on one day every week, and I think her appointments are pretty filled up. I definately think that half an hour isnt enough, as I feel just a bit rushed. I always read or watch some tv before I go to sleep, that tends to relax me a bit, but I'm just always there thinking about my ocd worries and trying to remember the stuff I need to ask reassurance, so the more stressed I am, the more I can't go to sleep. Apart from difficulty falling asleep, my quality of sleep is bad as well, even if I sleep for about 9 hours I still wake up feeling tired. And I also find it really hard to get up, so that makes getting up for school really hard, and I just can't manage to get up, partly because I'm so tried and partly because I can't face another day tbh, everyday there's nmore ocd stuff piling up and so the school blames me for skiving if I feel too depressed to go in. It'sd just so hard to go to school though.
    I definately do need some help, but unfortunately the people who are supposed to help me think I'm past help and have basically left me to cope on my own, which makes me feel even more upset. :(
    Sorry this was so depressing, and so long..:s
    Take care :)
    Madi x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi :)
    Thank you for replying, it means ever such a lot.
    I think it's easier to post about it on here, as no one really knows me so they cant really judge me as I've had people judge me a lot before.
    No I haven't heard of it, yeah whenever I feel like I can't go on no more, I try muttering to myself like a crazy person: 'You can get through this, you can get through this' I think I've really gone bananas!
    I know it's not easy for mum either, but sometimes when I really anxious or panicking that thought goes out of my mind and all I can think about is me, I know that sounds really selfish but anyway, maybe I'm a selfish person :/
    Asking reassurance is my ocd behaviour, I have to ask it. My ocd tell me that if I want to eat or drink or use something that people else has had the possibilty or have touchd it, then I have to ask or I can't eat or whatever. If I've already used it/eat/drank it then I have to remember it to ask it.
    It's exhaustinhg having to remember a lot of stuff that i have to ask reassurance. If I can;t remember it, I get really scared.
    Basically ocd is affecting me and controlling me 24/7 and it's mentally exhausting. It's always at the back of mind and wont go away... :(
    I'll try that, what I sometimes do is breathing, like the kind you do before you sing( I used learn to sing but as well as a load of other things had to give it up).
    I've tried asking my GP to refer me again, but finally she arranged an appointment with anbother camhs anbd I saw them for an assesment, now I'm waiting to hear back from them. The NHS is ALL about waiting until youre in an emergency room :(
    I tried getting some elsewhere like going privatew, they saw me for one assesment then wrote back to camhs and camhs then told then to not let me get any treatemnt. then I tried getting another therapist, but my social worker came, reported back to her headquaters, and camhs managed to stop her letting me have treatemnt.
    I've got an appouintment with my school counseller tommorow, I'll try suggesting it. I don't think shecould do anything though...she'll probably spend the half an hour telling me I must stop skiving off. But I'm not skiving off, my ocd and sleep makes it just too much
    Madi x
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    It's okay :)

    It could be worth just asking her, at least then she knows how you feel about it all.

    It's good that you have info on OCD so you know what it's all about and things.

    Have you thought about maybe having a chat with a doctor about your sleep? Sorry to hear how school are being with you, could you speak to your teacher or trusted adult about how your feeling. I am sure your school may show some understanding when they realise how tough things are for you. They have a duty of care towards their students.

    It's okay the post doesn't sound depressing don't worry. We all care about you.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I saw my school counsellor today and I'm feeling really upset. I felt like I was being kind of rushed, and I kept trying to tell her about my mum hitting me yesterday, but she kept on rushing me and kept going back to the school and saying I need to get into school. I feel like I can't talk to her, it's so hard going to school, and she supposed to be a counsellor so I'm suupposed to tell her about stuff like my OCD but she keeps going back to the subject of me needing to go to school and stuff. She's the only support I have. I just feel so.....let down and now I feel like I can't talk to anyone now. I don't have wifi coz my mum literally smashed the Internet wifi so now I'm in the cafe. I really can't do this anymore and something happened yesterday, my mum kind of opened my bedroom door when I went out, she said she didn't go in but she don't understand it's the possibility that she might have gone into my room...and then she went into my room and said see now I have gone in your room, I tried to stand in my doorway but she pushed me over I tripped feel over she pushed me down on the ground, twisting my wrists and stuff, I tried holding her wrist to stop her from punching me.
    Then she went into my room and sat on my bed in her trainer I begged her to please get off, I was drenched in sweat I was so anxious. I was having a panic attack I was scratching my wrists in front of her I was so so wound up. She didn't even care she just carried on laughing at me and saying I was mad and I should go to a mental hospital, she knew I get so stressed if she goes in my room because I'm worried she might have deliberately put something like harmful on my stuff, I can't...
    I was so so sick and finally she went out and I was nearly actually sick.
    I just can't cope no more.
    Every time I think things are more manageable she does something like that.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Sorry to hear how it left you feeling upset, bit hugs. You mentioned that the appointment is half an hour, which isn't a lot of time really. Could your sessions be extended?

    It's horrible when you have that support in place but you feel let down by that support. It could leave you feeling isolated and upset. You are safe to chat about things on here, we are here for you :)

    Sorry to hear that you don't have the internet. Is the cafe local to you, so you can have easy access to it?

    You shouldn't have to put up with being treated like that from your mum. Do you have another family member who you could chat to? Or one of your teachers. I know you say you only have your counselor, maybe trying to talk to her again, or another trusted adult. It is important that you speak to somebody about this, cos somebody hurting you both physically and emotionally is classed as bullying, and needs to be sorted out. This website could be of some help for you.

    Your not mad, don't worry about that. You are just a person going through a tough time. We all go through them at some stage in our life. Just because you have a mental health illness it doesn't make you mad. I promise you.

    You don't deserve any of this, and you don't deserve to be treated this way from your mum. It's going to be okay. You will get the support you deserve, you just need to find somebody you trust to open up.

    Keep us posted. I am sorry if this reply isn't that helpful. I am rather tired.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    Hey Madison,

    Just responding to your most recent post, things sound rather overwhelming at the moment, and really difficult. If you mother is hurting you, it's classed as abuse, as she has no right to hurt you. And this is something that really needs to be bought up as soon as possible, as living with someone who is hurting you isn't really fair, and will have an impact on how you are feeling. Are their any other teacher is school you would feel comfortable talking to?

    As you only have half an hour sessions their's really not much you can do to be honest, but I do think more longer sessions would be beneficial for you, would you consider going back with CAMHS? You have rather limited support as you work with a school cousellor, their's really no external support for you, for example, social services, key worker, etc. I'm glad you still feel able to reach out to the users on here, well done :)

    I'm glad you are still able to get wi-fi somehwere, which is beneficial, was their a reason behind why your mother smashed the wi-fi? It also doesn't sound as though your mother is beneficial at the moment at all, when do you next see your school cousellor? Another thing that you might wish to consider is support during the long summer break, as I would imagine that being quite difficult if you have so much going on at home to, but it might be worth telling your counsellor, 'I want to talk about this..' and go from their? Do keep us updated on how things go for you.

    Best wishes,
    Angel
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry to hear how it left you feeling upset, bit hugs. You mentioned that the appointment is half an hour, which isn't a lot of time really. Could your sessions be extended?

    It's horrible when you have that support in place but you feel let down by that support. It could leave you feeling isolated and upset. You are safe to chat about things on here, we are here for you :)

    Sorry to hear that you don't have the internet. Is the cafe local to you, so you can have easy access to it?

    You shouldn't have to put up with being treated like that from your mum. Do you have another family member who you could chat to? Or one of your teachers. I know you say you only have your counselor, maybe trying to talk to her again, or another trusted adult. It is important that you speak to somebody about this, cos somebody hurting you both physically and emotionally is classed as bullying, and needs to be sorted out. This website could be of some help for you.

    Your not mad, don't worry about that. You are just a person going through a tough time. We all go through them at some stage in our life. Just because you have a mental health illness it doesn't make you mad. I promise you.

    You don't deserve any of this, and you don't deserve to be treated this way from your mum. It's going to be okay. You will get the support you deserve, you just need to find somebody you trust to open up.

    Keep us posted. I am sorry if this reply isn't that helpful. I am rather tired.

    Hi
    thanks for replying, im so sorry that i couuldnt reply sooner. i didnt get any chance to go to a cafe as its like a half hour bus ride away and i dont really have much money. ive only got a bit of time as im typing this in the school library...things have been terrible, because all these ocd thoughts and stuff and im still scared about being controlled like right now. thats an ocd thought.
    also, when i asked my mum when we could get the wifi she said i cant have it if i dont share the ipad with her but id explained why i couldnt and she just wouldnt let me have any wifi, going on here and the internet is realy the only way i can just distract myself and now i dont have it, things are really terrible...
    she smashed the wifi coz she said that i aparently go on it too much and that i have no control. :(
    im seeing my counseller tommorow..all she talks about now is that i need to get into school, and doesnt seem to understand when i explain how i do want to but the stress and anxiety is really hard.
    i feel so upset all the time :( and they cancelled my child protection meeting, yeah i on the child protection and all...i do have a social worker but shes nasty.
    Madi x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    **Angel** wrote: »
    Hey Madison,

    Just responding to your most recent post, things sound rather overwhelming at the moment, and really difficult. If you mother is hurting you, it's classed as abuse, as she has no right to hurt you. And this is something that really needs to be bought up as soon as possible, as living with someone who is hurting you isn't really fair, and will have an impact on how you are feeling. Are their any other teacher is school you would feel comfortable talking to?

    As you only have half an hour sessions their's really not much you can do to be honest, but I do think more longer sessions would be beneficial for you, would you consider going back with CAMHS? You have rather limited support as you work with a school cousellor, their's really no external support for you, for example, social services, key worker, etc. I'm glad you still feel able to reach out to the users on here, well done :)

    I'm glad you are still able to get wi-fi somehwere, which is beneficial, was their a reason behind why your mother smashed the wi-fi? It also doesn't sound as though your mother is beneficial at the moment at all, when do you next see your school cousellor? Another thing that you might wish to consider is support during the long summer break, as I would imagine that being quite difficult if you have so much going on at home to, but it might be worth telling your counsellor, 'I want to talk about this..' and go from their? Do keep us updated on how things go for you.

    Best wishes,
    Angel

    Hi thanks for replying,
    ive got a meeting wiht my counseller tomorow, im starting to feel like i dont like her one bit coz all she talks about is i need to get into school. i feel like she keeps rushing me and i cant even just tell her anything.
    im actually on the child protection, but everyone is on my mum side,i even heard my social worker telling my mum that i was a manipulative little girl. so i dont like her, and im not confortable telling her anything. plus ive heard some horrible things about care homes.
    no there arent really any teachers im close to at all, my head of year and tutor think i skive off. when really i sometimes just cant go into school the stress and anxiety is too much.
    no one understands, my mum constantly threatens that she cant live like this and threatens to send me to some boarding
    sorry i have to log off now sorry :(
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