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seeing my nan

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
hi, as most of you know my nan passed away on 02/06/13. im still in shock about it, i feel like im going to wake up in a minute and hear that my nan is back home feeling better.

today is the day that i see my nan in the chapel of rest. has anyone seen friends or family in the chapel of rest, if so what is it like? what do you do? what do you say? how do you say it? is it a good idea to see nan in the chapel of rest?

sorry for all questions
:crying::crying::crying:

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wouldn't go, personally.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi MrsM,

    Well done for posting, it's natural to have lots of questions about something like this. Try not to worry too much about what you'll do or say but see how you feel when you get there and take it slowly. If you change your mind when you get there that's okay too. If you do see her then maybe there is a favourite memory of your nan or something you will miss about her most that you could say if you wanted to?

    Are you going with someone? It would be good to have someone to talk to afterwards, you can always come and post here too. RD4U also offer support for coping with death - they have email support and a free helpline open Monday - Friday 9am-5pm.. you could even call them today before you go for some support - 0808 808 1677

    Really only you can decide whether to go or not - whether it feels like a good idea for you personally? Some people prefer not to but others find it helps to get some closure in the grieving process. It might help think about how feel you want to remember your nan?

    Let us know how you get on *hug* *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I saw my grandad in the chapel of rest and I wish I hadn't. it was really upsetting and I'd have rather remembered him as he was, witty and full of life
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I personally wouldnt want to see someone like that but we cant decide for you if it the right thing for you or not.

    Do you think you'll regret it if you dont go?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I watched my Nan die, and sat with her for a while after she'd gone. I don't regret it, at the time it felt like that's what I needed and I wanted to say goodbye, but now the memory of seeing her dead is horrible.

    But as others have said, it's completely your decision, only you know if it'll help you to grieve and say goodbye or just make it more upsetting.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks all, i did go and see her today, i did go with my cousin so i wasnt alone,

    i didnt know what to say so i just made out she was still alive and having a full blown convo with her, and telling her about our memories together, i dont regret it and i dont think i will but i cant get the image of her led there with no life in her i was expecting her to wake up and tell me to stop being stupid and tell me to take her home,

    the hardest part was that i said goodbye love you nan and i didnt hear nothing back that was hard as she always said bye love you, even now i cant seem to cry i dont know why but i want to but nothing comes out.

    also could i have your opinion on something please? my stupid selfish auntie wants to play happy birthday at my nans funeral because it is on her birthday do you think thats disrespectful?

    thanks for reading this thread and replying, xxxx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think that playing Happy Birthday is disrespectful, it depends on the person whose funeral it is, and the wishes of the family. You clearly feel strongly about it, what is it that upsets you?

    Family relationships after a death can be very strained, are you finding that?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    piccolo wrote: »
    I don't think that playing Happy Birthday is disrespectful, it depends on the person whose funeral it is, and the wishes of the family. You clearly feel strongly about it, what is it that upsets you?

    Family relationships after a death can be very strained, are you finding that?

    i think its wrong and insulting because nan isnt here to enjoy her birthday and saying it to her where she cant enjoy its just wrong.
    might sound thick here but what does strained mean?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    By strained, I mean that things are very tense and people either fight openly or disagree a lot in private. There's a lot of complex emotion involved in grief, it's understandable.

    We celebrate Grandad's birthday with a family meal now the same way we did when he was alive. We'll acknowledge it and raise a glass. I don't think that's disrespectful, because it's a way of celebrating the life.

    You deserve respect in your grief, too, so if you find it cold-hearted then you should tell your aunt this. We all experience loss differently and you're not wrong for disliking the idea. I hope your family manage to work this out. *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh right i see...

    yeah i dont mind celebrating her birthday but not at her funeral... i would speak to my auntie about this but we dont talk we havent spoken to each other for years.

    im just concerned that i cant cry... i want to cry but i cant. when i went to see nan i didnt feel any emotion at all i felt like i was dreaming.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Grief affects everyone differently. Not crying doesn't mean you're not grieving; even numbness is a feeling, so do take the time to sit with that feeling and your memories. There's no pressure to feel any differently.

    It's a shame you don't feel able to talk to your auntie, could you talk to your parents?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I went to a medium and shown her a photo of me and nan, and one thing nan said was take the time you need. So maybe that's what nan is trying to tell me that I will cry and show some sort of emotion when I'm ready and not in shock.

    I know but it's been like this for years between me and my auntie. We don't share how we are feeling in this house. So my mum thinks I'm coping but I'm really not,
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just be careful with mediums, especially when you're knee deep in the grieving process. They can do more harm than good. I know how tempting it is, but if you really want to see one then I suggest waiting a while.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well...... the funeral was yesterday 14/6/13.... it didnt go well..... i feel bad.... i shouldnt of done it but i had to...... i cried a little while singing lords my Shepard..... then went back to my cousins house and they all drank to numb it all but i couldnt as i was taxi driver for the night....... near the end i cried and cried and i couldnt stop.... i still cry now..... but i havent S/H yet....... but all i could think of is dropping all family off and drive off a cliff but i didnt but i want to now.... but i feel my nan around me stopping me.....
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well done for not hurting yourself. A funeral is always very difficult to manage, but it sounds like you've coped, which is really important.

    Don't worry about crying it's a really good way to get it out of your system.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i wouldnt say well done. it is my fault that she had died if i hadnt gone to her everytime i felt suicidal her heart wouldnt of failed i out too much stress on her
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    MrsMcelderry wrote: »
    i wouldnt say well done. it is my fault that she had died if i hadnt gone to her everytime i felt suicidal her heart wouldnt of failed i out too much stress on her

    Hey MrsM, sometimes in grief, the feelings we experience are so intense, it feels as if there must have been something we could have done to give our loved one more chance of survival. Is this how you're feeling at the moment?

    I don't know if you were able to talk to a medical professional about how things were for your nan in the end, but I would have thought there were lots of factors that may have contributed that often build up over time without people necessarily even realising. You might find the NHS Choices website helpful in exploring these factors - and could write to askTheSite if you'd like a professional opinion.

    Agree with Picc above - crying is a really good way to get things out. *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah I know Helen but I put to much stress on her and her heart couldn't take no more so its my fault I should kill myself so I don't do it anymore to anyone else so sorry
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    This isn't your fault. We have told you that in chat aswell, things happen in life, it's sad yeah, but it's not your fault. Your nan was poorly, you didn't cause it.

    Do you have any support in place?
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It is my fault I know u have said it to me in chat but it is my fault I put a lot of stress on her heart which caused it to fail.
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    You didn't. I know that when your feeling this way nothing we say may not be able to change your mind, but we all care about you. And just want you to be okay.

    Do you have any support in place then?
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No u won't changed my mind because what I'm saying is true. Like when my auntie and uncle died it was my fault I drove them to drink. I caused the 3 most important people in my life to die coz of my problems .
    Thesite is my onli support at the moment
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    You can't actually drive somebody to die though.

    *Hugs* It's good you have TS, we are here for you.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I did though I made them drink coz of my problems. And for my nan I made her heart fail coz of the Amount of stress I gave her
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Your nan may of had an underlying medical problem. I know your not gonna believe me.

    Maybe speaking to somebody could help you, a doctor, or counselor?
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She didn't she was healthy its my fault
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    It's not your fault.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It is my fault. As I keep saying if I hadn't given her so much stress she wouldn't of died of heart failure it's my fault.
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Nothing I say is gonna help. But we do care.

    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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