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Nothing important

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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is this that you're not well enough to be doing your course?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Helpful of him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I did something stupid on holiday with my friends.

    I was feeling really agitated and on edge, and everyone else was so happy. I don't know why I wasn't. I had a bath, didn't really help. We all went on a walk and even after that I was still feeling terrible so went to my room whilst everyone was just doing their own thing. I wanted to try and nap the feeling away (it sometimes works - and I'd tried the relax and exercise options) but I just couldn't get to sleep. I then took too many tablets and went to sleep.

    A few hours? later I was awoken by one friend (by coincidence the one who I recently talked about my MH probs too) and he was really worried. Asked what I'd done because I was so pale. I was pretty out of it but tried to reassure him and I think we had a bit of a chat about things. I can't really remember what was said, but I just feel so bad for doing that infront of someone. It wasn't a case of being 'found', I just thought that that's what I needed to do at the time to get me down off the edge, and that people would just think I was napping.

    After that I had a really good holiday. I just wish I didn't have these uncontrollable emotions. I really, really, really want to be better. I want this moment to be the moment where I think 'that's it, sort it out'. I have people in my life that mean so much to me, and I want to be the best possible person I can be for them, not like this. I feel like I have a bit more fight in me now. I don't think life is unbearable fullstop. I think it feels unbearable so much of the time because I can't manage my emotions and I don't have the tools for change just yet. I need to change this, and I'm going to put up such a fight with the CMHT and really hope that round 2 goes my way.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hating to be dull and practical - but are you likely to have done any lasting damage with the tablets you took?

    You're doing really well - yes, what you did probably wasn't a great idea but putting that aside there's a lot of positive in your post.

    Good to hear rest of the holiday was good.

    I guess the next challenge is finding a way of dealing with the dips in a more positive manner.

    xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No damage done.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm finding things quite difficult. I always struggle when I come home for more than a few days.

    Feeling very lonely and miserable. Relationship with parents is poor, and its mostly down to me. I know the answer to this will be to do more - I am doing stuff I already have planned. Not enjoying anything. Don't want people to see me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I need to go somewhere but I don't know where :( can't live at home anymore :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Residential aummer job somewhere?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Residential aummer job somewhere?

    I already have a non-residential job starting in a few weeks.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Will that help? Being out of the house doing something seen as constructive can make a massive difference to living at home.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thinking about overdosing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm such a horrible person :banghead: I hate living here and am just thinking of ways out because I can't stand being around my dad. But it's the medication he's on that make him grumpy but i'm making everything worse. I feel so selfish, he's got cancer ffs - I should be doing everything for him but I'm doing my best to run away from him. Life with me around must be hell for him. It's wearing me down and I'm the problem. Everyone is better off without me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't want to live.
    I don't want to live in this house, or anywhere else.
    I don't want to go back to uni.
    I don't want to study or have a job.
    I don't want to sit around doing fuck all.
    I don't have friends. Just people who think that I'm asking for a 'constant listening ear' when questioning why they don't ever ask me how I am.
    I'm not on the same page as my family.
    I annoy my dad and my sister, and my mum just "puts up with me" because noone else does.

    I want to die. I have the means. I just need to be fucking sure I'll get it right.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Hey ysh,
    Every time I read the title of this thread my brain automatically changes it to:

    'Massively important' - because that's exactly what you are.

    You're totally justified in feeling and expressing the level of despair you've shown here - when some of the core things in life feel crap, even the things that have given us a glimpse of hope before end up seeming pointless - in your case things like going back to uni, having a job in the future and ongoing opportunities to meet new people. These are things that I believe you have the ability to feel hopeful about again at times when the really difficult stuff is less prominent in your life.

    I just want to share Fostress blog on notes on mental trickery, as this may be a piece you can relate to at the moment. If I'm wrong, then getting some more personal support could be worthwhile - whether it be a call to samaritans, papyrus, chatting to someone on TS you feel you can trust, or just typing more here could help you to move forward with your current thoughts.

    *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Pretty much everything Helen said.

    Hugs.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys sorry for the late reply.

    I've read the wonderful Fostress blog before - but thanks for linking me to it again. Was good to be reminded.

    I think I am a bit more depressed than usual at the moment. That's in addition to my normal every day mind tricks. I've cried myself to sleep for the last few nights and I haven't been 'crying all the time' sort of depressed in a while. Think it will be good to start work next week and keep busier.

    I think part of it is I'd always desperately hoped that I'd be well by this time in my life. This year is pretty crucial and I thought I'd be sorted by now. Not sorted but you know, getting through with more coping skills and not as much upset and drama.

    My problems with relationships are getting me down. I just feel like such an immature child when it comes to relationships with people - family and friends. I push people away, I make them hate me, when all I want is for them to be close.

    I can't watch romantic films because they still upset me, and seeing other people so happy in their relationships always brings bad thoughts to the forefront. Partly because I feel doomed for future relationships and partly because I still miss my ex (A) from last year terribly - its been like 8 months now. (Pathetic really - bangs head).

    For a few months it was good, I thought we had reached the friend's stage and we talked every so often and everything was OK. I didn't miss him because we had something new and I had something new with a new guy (L). But L dumped me because of my MH problems (same reason as A). I think I dealt with breaking up with L a lot better - we weren't together long and i managed to channel negative emotions towards him rather than blaming myself (most of the time). Anyway, A has slipped into quite bad depression and won't talk to me now.

    This is turning into a pathetic relationship rant so will stop now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sometimes it's good to rant.

    As for the thing that you thought you'd have everything sorted by now - give yourself more time. Also, look at things comparatively. You're a completely different person to the one you were three years ago, you've got a huge range of skills and life experiences since then. You've made huge progress in your professional life. And with everything else there's still a huge amount of learning and development that you've still got time and space to do.

    I don't know if this is any use, but I think that I thought that by the time I got to the final year of my batchelors, I'd have life pretty much under control. I'd be reasonably settled in myself, I'd know what I wanted to do and I'd basically be a grown up.

    Then I thought that would apply to after I finished my masters.

    Then I thought that would apply when I started working offshore - because surely you can only do that if you're a mature, settled, in control grown up right?

    Then I moved to the rock. Still don't think I've got it.

    Now I moving back to the big city. To do what is undeniably a proper grown up job. I've got a lot of mature, responsible things going on in my life now but when I question myself I still think there's a long way t go. But then equally when I look back, I've come a really, rea long way.

    Give yourself a chance to look at your achievements as well as what's still to do. You'd be surprised how long the achievement list is.

    And yay for starting work next week.

    xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks :)

    I had a really good night out last night, but a) I drunk and b) I didn't take my meds which both won't have helped my mood today. So right now I feel so on edge. Just racing thoughts and thinking about getting in the car and driving really fast somewhere. Things are building and building and although I am trying, I'm failing to put a stop to it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bit late nwow - had no internet over the weekend.

    Hopefully things will have settled down now the hangover has gone and medication heading back to normal?

    xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah. I've had such a shit day at work though. I made one slip up and my manager will not stop going on about it. I feel like all my hard work means fuck all now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This is the exact sort of situation that triggers me to self- harm. I feel bad enough about myself already, I only need a little push in that same direction to send me over the edge. Stupid I know.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Your manager will have something else to whine about to someone else tomorrow. Kids are horrible things, unfortunately you can't take that out of them so you get it instead.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My dog is getting put down on Friday. He's just in too much pain - he started crying when I got home today. Still so gutted though :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Goodbye doggy :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm very sorry to hear that. I didn't get my dog put down, but I had to rehome him due to a change in circumstances. So I know a little of how you're feeling right now. It helped me occasionally to tell stories about him. Tom was a very good boy, well trained, and I was very proud of him. But he was also a beagle, so every so often his recall and obedience went out of the window.

    I took him for a walk on a nearby hill, he was happily enough going away to smell things and then coming back to get treats, but then he smelled something amazing. A stag. And he was off. I could still hear him, beagling away, whenever he chased anything he bayed. If I looked down the hill to the meadow at the bottom I occasionally caught sight of him chasing this deer from end to end and up and down. Then, it went quiet. I couldn't hear him, and I couldn't see him, I got a lot of exercise looking for him. And my phone rang, it was a group of girl guides (trust them to have some string and a mobile!) they'd found him a couple of miles away playing in someone's duck pond.

    I went to pick him up, and he had a drink, but he'd been running almost non-stop for 3 hours, when I got him home he passed out, waking up only twice, when he had dinner, and when it was time for bed. He'd rubbed his pads raw, so I had to cover them in sudocrem, which doesn't taste nice!

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Fiend. I don't think I have a story at the moment but I'll have a think.

    I think we made the right choice to have him put down. He had bone cancer and a few weeks ago he fractured through the tumour in his leg and also had mets in his lungs. He was in so much pain, which couldn't be controlled. He could barely walk from room to room, and his leg would never heal, with amputation not an option.

    Today was so tough. I tried to hold it together, just so he didn't pick up on anything. We got out of the car, he walked all the way into the vets wagging away forgetting that actually he is a very sick dog and gave the vet a nice greeting. My dad and I went into the room with him and it was very peaceful and quick. My dad broke down when he passed away - I've never seen my dad cry before. It was so heart wrenching to see, and then off I went too. Vet was lovely and has been throughout.

    I know some people think 'he's just a pet', but he means so much to me. Was so lovely coming home to someone who was always so excited to see me. He was so special and it really feels like the end of an era. I know I'll be OK, but I'm looking forward to being able to just remember the good times rather than having today play over in my mind.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not much to add to what Fiend said but huge hugs...Like Fiend my cat was rehomed...only I came home one day and my Mum had done it behind my back.

    It isnt just a pet and the only people that think that, havent been in your situation...

    I hate this saying but it will get easier xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think pets are really important for helping us feel better.

    I have a tea-towel that is a bit cliche, but it says "Lord, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am". Animals don't judge us
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