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Can you help me make a few friends so I can get out more.

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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The pubs and bars I suggested are friendly places where you will meet people. That was my whole point.
    You're actually being quite rude, every time anyone suggests something to help you, you throw back a reason why it wont work/you can't do it. If you aren't open to suggestions, then why bother asking for them?
    The buses in Derby and Nottingham are FAR better than other places in the country. So what if you'd have to wait for a little bit for a bus? What else are you going to do, sit at home?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tom82 wrote: »
    It is all very well naming bars and clubs but I told you I do not have anyone to go-to them with.

    I think the whole point was that you would go to the bars and clubs and potentially meet people there.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    G-Raffe wrote: »
    I think the whole point was that you would go to the bars and clubs and potentially meet people there.

    Exactly, they are all very friendly and small. There's often live acts playing in The Malt Cross and some of the castle rock pubs, so you could easily sit next to someone and strike up a conversation about the music/what they're drinking etc
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Also- https://www.trentbarton.co.uk/

    Trent Barton run services between Derby and Nottingham. You can get day tickets called zigzag's that cover the whole service for £5
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can see where Tom82 is coming from in regards to his responses to the suggestions people are making. Going into somewhere to do something that he finds a bit scary and unnerving can be quite difficult to do. However it's worth noting that whilst he has tried to counter suggestions in a defeatist way, I might suggest that it's worth actually trying the suggestions and seeing if they actually work or not, rather than dealing in hypothetical. Perhaps it might be that you are having difficulty finding and making friends, because you are defeating yourself before you even try?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Apologies if I sounded rude, I was trying to be honest. Zigzag doesn't cover the Arriva bus at £4.20 to get me into town to catch the £5 arriva. That cost wouldn't be a problem is I was going somewhre useful. The time is.

    You can't expect me to sit in these bars or clubs without knowing anyone, have you sat in a bar and done what you suggested?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tom82 wrote: »

    You can't expect me to sit in these bars or clubs without knowing anyone, have you sat in a bar and done what you suggested?

    I'm 15, so no, not alone. But I do go to all the bars/clubs I suggested with my dad and work for him on the door if he's DJ-ing/running the night. I've met some lovely people, not so much clubbing as there isn't much time to chat but in The Malt Cross and The Alley Cafe.

    Members of my family play in the pubs in Nottingham/Derby with their bands, which I go to a lot too. You get a lot of people going to the pubs alone, and people sit next to each other and chat, or will join a large table and talk to the people already there. It's all very friendly. All the venues I suggested are small and therefore people interact a lot more than at a larger venue.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You are asking us questions about how you can get to know and make friends with people you don't know. So making suggestions for you to talk and connect with people you don't know, is entirely reasonable.


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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How about creating a meet up in your area then? See how far you get.

    Or looking at hobbies where you might find more people who are somewhat introverted - astronomy, crafts, computing, robotics, things like that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tom82 wrote: »

    You can't expect me to sit in these bars or clubs without knowing anyone, have you sat in a bar and done what you suggested?

    I used I do that all the time, and then start speaking to people and make friends! If you have an open mind you can do it!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've sat in a derby bar or two people watching for social opportunities but they never came, you've always come with someone. You cannot just latch onto a stranger it's creepy.
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Tom82 wrote: »
    I've sat in a derby bar or two people watching for social opportunities but they never came, you've always come with someone. You cannot just latch onto a stranger it's creepy.

    How about bars where there's a pool table? Getting in on games, if people are spending a few hours hogging it, can be a good way to break the ice. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tom82 wrote: »
    I've sat in a derby bar or two people watching for social opportunities but they never came, you've always come with someone. You cannot just latch onto a stranger it's creepy.

    Unfortunately, if you have that opinion then there's not much hope for you finding friends. You have to speak to strangers or you'll never know anyone.

    The pubs I suggested are very friendly and people do go alone. They are small, so often you have to sit with people you don't know. If you looked on the Castle Rock website you could find a pub that appeals to you. Some have family gardens, some don't allow kids at all, some have jazz nights, some have football nights... there's something for everyone. I am very sad you have totally dismissed my advice without even trying.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tom82 wrote: »
    Apologies if I sounded rude, I was trying to be honest. Zigzag doesn't cover the Arriva bus at £4.20 to get me into town to catch the £5 arriva. That cost wouldn't be a problem is I was going somewhre useful. The time is.

    You can't expect me to sit in these bars or clubs without knowing anyone, have you sat in a bar and done what you suggested?
    noones expecting you to do anything. Theyre just giving suggestions to what they would do if they were looking to meet new friends.

    My tip is to stop looking for friends, and just do things you think you will enjoy and if you make friends organically, then thats great.
    If you think that spending a couple of quid on a bus to go and see some music or to socialise every now and again makes it not worthwhile, then im not sure what youre asking?? How to magically get instant friends in your own front room without having to go anywhere??
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How about looking what your goal is and working back from there to see exactly what the stumbling blocks are for you and how they could be overcome. It's often about thinking laterally. So, you might not feel comfortable about going somewhere on your own first time - do you have any siblings that could come with you for the first time? What about getting in touch with old school friends on Facebook and seeing if there's a meet up planned? If its the transport at night issue, what is it about traveling at night that scares you? Or if its cost or time can you get a lift part of the way or see if traveline comes up with a better solution?

    There is a way around everything but you need do be willing to take some risks, as said the wise Anais Nin "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom". Otherwise there's no progress to be made and it could be more painful in the long run than the initial outlay.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Tom, I could have written this myself. The problem is people who don't have problems making friends I think find it difficult to understand how it can be difficult. 90% of friends I've made through life have been through work/school/other friends.

    When I moved to a new area in a new job, I didn't make any friends through work. As you have, I've tried clubs, groups and so on but nothing has worked, however I gave up on 'making friends' as a goal a while ago. I still speak to my old friends online from time to time so I have that social contact. I think it's just a case of throwing the dice every day to see if you meet the right people. Are you at least getting outside to where people are?

    Have you tried meetup.com? It's pants for my area but might have something better in your area? If you weren't 100 miles away I'd suggest we go for a pint.

    The real trick isn't 'developing a social skillset' as unless you have severe social issues, anyone can make friends. I made some good mates on my work experience placement, just haven't in my subsequent job. The problem is meeting the right people who are also looking for friends (many people are happy to be friendly, but not really after more people in their lives).

    As a guy unfortunately you will be written off as only after one thing by a significant portion of girls, and trying to meet other men can be hit or miss when the conversation isn't about football or cars.

    Best of luck.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I more-or-less agree with ShyBoy. I've got loads of social activities and things going on, but I've not had a group of mates since uni. I'm lucky that I find that keeping busy is enough to stop me from focussing on that right now.

    There isn't a magic fix, but you're doing all the right things. If you can bear to stick at it, it might pay off.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry if this isn't a good suggestion (or you've already had it) but have you thought about joining a sports team? I think you're pretty much guaranteed to make friends that way - what with training together, playing together and the socials afterwards.

    Also (again not sure if this would interest you) but what about something like no strings badminton? http://www.nostringsbadminton.co.uk/ People just turn up, many alone, and play badminton with whoever is around :)
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