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Whenever My boyfriend and I get into a bad fight...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have been seeing this man for over 4 years. I am truly in love with him. But, we get into an awful fight cycle which usually leads me to self-harming myself :shocking:. Let me give an example of how it goes down.
He calls me every night and we chat about what we did in the day. He says after a long day at work he wants to talk to his boyfriend (since he works too far to stop by). I dislike him calling me sometimes because it means I have to be "happy" or not busy. If I forget to mention a certain detail (like hanging out after work with a friend) he accuses me of dishonesty and using the excuse that "I forgot" in order to conveniently lie to or omit things. Last night I was trying to complete a deadline and was in "serious" mode, so I tried brushing him off. He said I was being rude and a dick and so I apologized because maybe I was but only because I don't know how to politely ask you to go right now.
Before going on I have to admit something. I have in the past with him, bring up certain issues at inapropriate times because of a way I feel about his behaviour. For instance, traveling to see him but hearing him complain that I have to complete homework assignments (something he sees as me being able to do before I see him instead of around him). To be honest I have a lot of work and he lives far, so upon hearing him complain even though I was going out of MY way, was too much for me not to be upset at him at that inappropriate moment.
But last night, I explained to him I didn't have time to make him feel better about being rude/forgetting a certain detail because I have a very important deadline/ I've been sacrificing a lot of time to be with you so let me be right now. But this made him more upset and he continued to nag me even after we got off the phone via text. AFter all this I couldn't even concentrate on my work if I had to, and he knows how important it was for me to concentrate, but he kept nagging me about how I made him feel and about how at other times I nag him because of my feelings. By the end of our fight I'm so exhausted and I can't get my assignment done that I resort to abusing myself to let the steam off and to gain control of the situation. At least when I punch myself in the eyes and bang hard objects on my face it is me who is hurting myself and no one else.
And now its a day later and I'm no where nearer to getting work done, but I'm now more concentrated on this crummy fight wondering if I'm the one to blame for all this...
He calls me every night and we chat about what we did in the day. He says after a long day at work he wants to talk to his boyfriend (since he works too far to stop by). I dislike him calling me sometimes because it means I have to be "happy" or not busy. If I forget to mention a certain detail (like hanging out after work with a friend) he accuses me of dishonesty and using the excuse that "I forgot" in order to conveniently lie to or omit things. Last night I was trying to complete a deadline and was in "serious" mode, so I tried brushing him off. He said I was being rude and a dick and so I apologized because maybe I was but only because I don't know how to politely ask you to go right now.
Before going on I have to admit something. I have in the past with him, bring up certain issues at inapropriate times because of a way I feel about his behaviour. For instance, traveling to see him but hearing him complain that I have to complete homework assignments (something he sees as me being able to do before I see him instead of around him). To be honest I have a lot of work and he lives far, so upon hearing him complain even though I was going out of MY way, was too much for me not to be upset at him at that inappropriate moment.
But last night, I explained to him I didn't have time to make him feel better about being rude/forgetting a certain detail because I have a very important deadline/ I've been sacrificing a lot of time to be with you so let me be right now. But this made him more upset and he continued to nag me even after we got off the phone via text. AFter all this I couldn't even concentrate on my work if I had to, and he knows how important it was for me to concentrate, but he kept nagging me about how I made him feel and about how at other times I nag him because of my feelings. By the end of our fight I'm so exhausted and I can't get my assignment done that I resort to abusing myself to let the steam off and to gain control of the situation. At least when I punch myself in the eyes and bang hard objects on my face it is me who is hurting myself and no one else.
And now its a day later and I'm no where nearer to getting work done, but I'm now more concentrated on this crummy fight wondering if I'm the one to blame for all this...
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How much older than you is he? What are you doing about your low self-esteem? Can you describe how things look from his point of view?
He is the same age as me. What I want to do about my self-esteem is see a counciilour and hopefully have a couple's therapy session.
From his point of view he feels as though I trivialize his issues while he does everything to address mine. It started when I hadn't responded soon enough to his text and that I wasn't giving him the attention to a specific issue he had at work that was bringing him down. I was on my way home from work when I had the time to respond but he accused me of not being a good boyfriend who gives attention. I told him I was sorry and that I would try harder and did everything to keep from getting into a fight, but he just kept going about how he felt neglected, which I can understand that feeling and want to do what I can from making him feel that way to a certain extent. I finally exploded and told him to stop behaving this way, but in the end I told him I would do more to be more responsive via text if it was that important to him.
Then came christmas when our mega-fight happened. Since he got what he wanted from his behaviour, I felt like I should only get what I wanted too, and what I wanted was some form of commitment from him to try to move in with me. He kept telling me no, I don't have the money, and I told him it doesn't have to be right away just make an effort to save or something, but he didn't give in. I felt like it was so unfair that he could get his way but I couldn't get mine. In the end I left my family to go home and self-harm myself. Thankfully on the way back home I was comforted by a family member and didn't end up self-harming, but my christmas was ruined, but so was his.
and ever since its just been back and forth, and whenever I don't give in or when I act unintentionally rude he gets mad and I feel bad and I apologize but he doesn't accept my apology (and later tells me just to ignore him when he gets like this). And then I become upset at him for a way he behaves and he says its just the way he is but I don't feel like thats fair. And I feel like its my fault because if I just let it go maybe he would too... But even when we get in a fight an I tell him I don't want to argue anymore unless there is another person because I'm afraid of what I might do to myself if the argument gets bad, then he blames me for using self-harm as a way to not deal with the situation (understandable), but if we had a second opinion maybe one of us could see where we are wrong instead of trying to duel it out together...
I'm sorry to hear how these ongoing arguments are affecting you, especially as at the moment, the way you're coping with them is causing you a lot of pain - both emotionally and physically.
In terms of moving in together, even starting to think about doing this might be jumping the gun a bit if you feel as if you're struggling to get on and find compromise on a day-to-day basis. It sounds like you both have different expectations of what you need to feel appreciated in the relationship and that this is leading to insecurities and dissatisfaction for both of you. When this kind of situation occurs, it can take some time to work out whether or not it's possible for you to work together to make things work.
We've got an article about dealing with arguments that you might find helpful - it doesn't sound like you're the one to blame at all - it does sound like you're possibly the person who has the most awareness about the impact and is most sensitive to the repercussions though - do you think your boyfriend would be reasonable enough to understand your standpoint? Also, looking at things from his point of view - do you know much about his relationship history? It might be that previous relationships have caused him to doubt others commitment to him meaning he finds it difficult to recognise the difference between the times you make effort on his behalf and the times its really necessary for you to make time for other things in your life.
You mention couples counselling which may well be a good option for you - how do you think your boyfriend would react to this kind of suggestion?
I'm also wondering if you have any friends you can confide in about this situation? Have someone to talk to when you need to blow off steam can be a great way to release all the pressure that's building up. Keep posting here too *hug*