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How to avoid lame ducks?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I split up with my exboyfriend for nearly a month now. Everything has been so stressful with moving house and my health getting worse that its only now that the feelings of anger and sadness and I guess grief that someone - or maybe it was something (the relationship) - that I loved so much and worked hard to make work crumbled and became quite so poisonous. I'm starting to see the errors of my ways with many of my past dating habits. I seem to pick up lame ducks - in the emotional sense. 2 if not 3 of the previous guys I've been out with (well even briefly) have had mental health issues worse than mine that they weren't willing to attend to and look after themselves - which is something I have really taken on board I've the past year or so, especially since my physical health has gotten worse. Please don't think that I'm being derogatory to people with severe mental health issues by calling those people I've dated lame ducks, but almost everyone has been an emotional lame duck regardless of their mental health, but those two people really made me take note that I need to be with someone who takes care of themselves mentally if nothing else. Everything was always someone else's fault and not their own, especially with my most recent ex.

I seem to find I attract people who like to manipulate - my ex best friend probably got about a grand out of me and turned me against my own mother, I was in an abusive relationship in my teens and my last relationship was borderline abusive. I keep wondering what it is about me which means I attract people like that and why I can't suss it out within the first few dates - I'm normally a really good judge of character and will happily trust my gut feeling and walk away from situations.

I suppose I'm also feeling quite upset with myself because it feels like there's something within me which dictates all of this and I'm feeling really sad about all of it. I've been feeling really anxious and introspective of recent and my therapist has also asked to "evaluate our work together", and she's not that continuing with our current goals is needed anymore, but I think the ending of this relationship has really brought a lot up for me (like how I miss one of ex's 2 years down the line, and telling him that isn't really going to help anyone).

Sorry for such a long rant, I'm not sure what I'm looking for here I just feel hollow and raw and a bit empty and maybe I'm just looking for a bit of empathy. I can't talk to my best friend, who would put so much into perspective for me as her brother is dying so my issues don't really come into it.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi miss_riot,
    The only thing I would say is get to know potential partners really really well before you have a relationship.
    Also maybe work back through your previous relationships to see if there are common denominators. When I did this I realised that I can be a bit of a rescuer-not mindfully but due to my own deep rooted feelings of feeling & being unwanted & unloved, when I came across others who exhibited the same sort of issues I would feel the need to prevent them from feeling that way as I know how awful it is. Also when you have previously been in abusive relationships you can fall into patterns of behaviours & unfortunately people often exploit that but that's not to say there aren't any decent people. X
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah I know I have chosen people who weren't looking after themselves because I found it easier to look after others rather than myself. But I've been making huge changes on that front.

    With all 3 cases where I've had abusive relationships (with friends or otherwise) I was at a very vulnerable point - my physical, mental health or both were not great and I didn't have full control over what was going on around me. It's then that I know I'm easily led because when you don't feel in control it's not hard to find yourself trusting those who are nice to you and you think have your best interests at heart.

    What has disturbed me is the truth coming out about how I feel about the ex I left 2 years ago. I know that our lives are totally incompatible and what we want out of life too. And heck, a relationship really isn't what I want right now. I value having him as a friend, and that's better than nothing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sometimes it's crazy the way our emotions work! Maybe it's worth exploring what it was about your ex that you miss, whether it was the connection, the drama etc but also recognising why it was unhealthy-unfortunately the line between love & hate is easily overstepped but that doesn't mean the feeling just disappears when our heads eventually catch up with our hearts. Maybe you feel that there is unfinished business there so to speak? :chin:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's not my most recent ex that I miss - I'm glad to be rid of him. It's, for the sake of this lets call him J. He's kind and generous with everything he has, he is empathetic and understanding but not patronising. He's fun loving and mature when he needs to be but can also be a big kid. J just has a really awesome presence about him, he gives awesome bear hugs and doesn't judge people. I could go on and on. The reason we split up was because his best friend was incredibly hurtful and when I told him about it J didn't really back me up. He also has so many projects on the go he hardly has time for himself let alone anyone else. So I felt pushed out. I was only seeing him once every 2/3 weeks or more and I only lived an hour by bus away.

    There may well be unfinished business between us, but like I said, better to have him as a friend than to not have him in my life at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds to me like its definitely unfinished business-the way you have described him sound like you were/are not over him. That's kinda harsh & I hope you can find your peace with it one way or another x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well I cut off all contact for a fair while, and that didn't work, I don't know how I could or even if I should say anything - it's nearly 2 years ago that we broke up!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you choose people that need looking after because you can look after them or is it you choose these people because you feel they can understand the problems you have ?

    It's difficult and tbh I can really offer any advice except maybe stop choosing people who are as ill as you. I was gonna say fucked up but I hope you can see my meaning rather than the words :)

    You need someone strong in you life Riot not someone who can pull you down to their level and, from what I know about your life from your posts, you definitely don't need someone who needs looking after. You have so much to contend with yourself (mental stuff, physical stuff, house stuff etc) that you're going to set yourself up for a fall by taking on someone needy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think your right. The intension is always choosing someone who understands but you're right again - I can hardly look after myself let alone anyone else. Friends are the best thing right now.

    Tbh, I'm not sure anyone would really want someone who is so dependent on others. It's not cool being 23, using a stick and a mobility scooter, let alone dating someone like that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    Friends are the best thing right now.

    Maybe concentrate on that for the time being. One of your major hassles at the mo is the move. Why not concentrate on getting your new place, which you said you love, just the way you want it then that'll be out of the way and one less thing to worry about. From your other thread you're going to see someone about the impact your physical health is having on ya noggin so hopefully that will get you into a better place mentally.

    It can be lonely not having that someone special but if you've got mates it's usually bearable. I'm the other way round. I've got Leigh who does so much for me, but absolutely (except here) no friends and lead quite a lonely existence. People just aren't aren't comfortable with hiv/looneyness/bum boy syndrome as they pretend to be, though in my case I think it's a toxic cocktail of all three.

    So, maybe concentrate on getting the house sorted, and getting into a better place health wise and then getting back out into the dating sea and see what you can catch. From your posts you're a bright, intelligent woman and if someone can't see past the stick and the scooter then you don't need someone like that in your life.

    XxX
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm similar - I have very few real life friends, and it feels even harder to go and meet people since I've become more unwell. I'm going to go along to my local lezza's group which could be fun, but not working, not being very mobile makes it difficult to find opportunities to meet peeps.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I keep wondering what it is about me which means I attract people like that and why I can't suss it out within the first few dates - I'm normally a really good judge of character and will happily trust my gut feeling and walk away from situations.

    You seem concerned that you cant suss out these people quite quickly, then go on to say that you are normally quite a good judge of character, it's almost slightly contradictory in a manner. It's likely that when you develop certain feelings for someone perhaps they blind you?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm a good judge of character of people when matters of the heart don't come into it.

    Don't most people became some what blind to negative things when they feel like they're falling for someone?
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    Don't most people became some what blind to negative things when they feel like they're falling for someone?

    I'm not sure it can be said for 'most' people - but it's definitely the case that it happens to some. My old house mate and I used to call it 'flash love' - when you see in someone the traits you want them to have rather than what's really there or the bigger picture. I think the point you start becoming more aware of it is often the point you start to be more conscious of your judgements.
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