If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
How to avoid lame ducks?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I split up with my exboyfriend for nearly a month now. Everything has been so stressful with moving house and my health getting worse that its only now that the feelings of anger and sadness and I guess grief that someone - or maybe it was something (the relationship) - that I loved so much and worked hard to make work crumbled and became quite so poisonous. I'm starting to see the errors of my ways with many of my past dating habits. I seem to pick up lame ducks - in the emotional sense. 2 if not 3 of the previous guys I've been out with (well even briefly) have had mental health issues worse than mine that they weren't willing to attend to and look after themselves - which is something I have really taken on board I've the past year or so, especially since my physical health has gotten worse. Please don't think that I'm being derogatory to people with severe mental health issues by calling those people I've dated lame ducks, but almost everyone has been an emotional lame duck regardless of their mental health, but those two people really made me take note that I need to be with someone who takes care of themselves mentally if nothing else. Everything was always someone else's fault and not their own, especially with my most recent ex.
I seem to find I attract people who like to manipulate - my ex best friend probably got about a grand out of me and turned me against my own mother, I was in an abusive relationship in my teens and my last relationship was borderline abusive. I keep wondering what it is about me which means I attract people like that and why I can't suss it out within the first few dates - I'm normally a really good judge of character and will happily trust my gut feeling and walk away from situations.
I suppose I'm also feeling quite upset with myself because it feels like there's something within me which dictates all of this and I'm feeling really sad about all of it. I've been feeling really anxious and introspective of recent and my therapist has also asked to "evaluate our work together", and she's not that continuing with our current goals is needed anymore, but I think the ending of this relationship has really brought a lot up for me (like how I miss one of ex's 2 years down the line, and telling him that isn't really going to help anyone).
Sorry for such a long rant, I'm not sure what I'm looking for here I just feel hollow and raw and a bit empty and maybe I'm just looking for a bit of empathy. I can't talk to my best friend, who would put so much into perspective for me as her brother is dying so my issues don't really come into it.
I seem to find I attract people who like to manipulate - my ex best friend probably got about a grand out of me and turned me against my own mother, I was in an abusive relationship in my teens and my last relationship was borderline abusive. I keep wondering what it is about me which means I attract people like that and why I can't suss it out within the first few dates - I'm normally a really good judge of character and will happily trust my gut feeling and walk away from situations.
I suppose I'm also feeling quite upset with myself because it feels like there's something within me which dictates all of this and I'm feeling really sad about all of it. I've been feeling really anxious and introspective of recent and my therapist has also asked to "evaluate our work together", and she's not that continuing with our current goals is needed anymore, but I think the ending of this relationship has really brought a lot up for me (like how I miss one of ex's 2 years down the line, and telling him that isn't really going to help anyone).
Sorry for such a long rant, I'm not sure what I'm looking for here I just feel hollow and raw and a bit empty and maybe I'm just looking for a bit of empathy. I can't talk to my best friend, who would put so much into perspective for me as her brother is dying so my issues don't really come into it.
0
Comments
The only thing I would say is get to know potential partners really really well before you have a relationship.
Also maybe work back through your previous relationships to see if there are common denominators. When I did this I realised that I can be a bit of a rescuer-not mindfully but due to my own deep rooted feelings of feeling & being unwanted & unloved, when I came across others who exhibited the same sort of issues I would feel the need to prevent them from feeling that way as I know how awful it is. Also when you have previously been in abusive relationships you can fall into patterns of behaviours & unfortunately people often exploit that but that's not to say there aren't any decent people. X
With all 3 cases where I've had abusive relationships (with friends or otherwise) I was at a very vulnerable point - my physical, mental health or both were not great and I didn't have full control over what was going on around me. It's then that I know I'm easily led because when you don't feel in control it's not hard to find yourself trusting those who are nice to you and you think have your best interests at heart.
What has disturbed me is the truth coming out about how I feel about the ex I left 2 years ago. I know that our lives are totally incompatible and what we want out of life too. And heck, a relationship really isn't what I want right now. I value having him as a friend, and that's better than nothing.
There may well be unfinished business between us, but like I said, better to have him as a friend than to not have him in my life at all.
It's difficult and tbh I can really offer any advice except maybe stop choosing people who are as ill as you. I was gonna say fucked up but I hope you can see my meaning rather than the words
You need someone strong in you life Riot not someone who can pull you down to their level and, from what I know about your life from your posts, you definitely don't need someone who needs looking after. You have so much to contend with yourself (mental stuff, physical stuff, house stuff etc) that you're going to set yourself up for a fall by taking on someone needy.
Tbh, I'm not sure anyone would really want someone who is so dependent on others. It's not cool being 23, using a stick and a mobility scooter, let alone dating someone like that.
Maybe concentrate on that for the time being. One of your major hassles at the mo is the move. Why not concentrate on getting your new place, which you said you love, just the way you want it then that'll be out of the way and one less thing to worry about. From your other thread you're going to see someone about the impact your physical health is having on ya noggin so hopefully that will get you into a better place mentally.
It can be lonely not having that someone special but if you've got mates it's usually bearable. I'm the other way round. I've got Leigh who does so much for me, but absolutely (except here) no friends and lead quite a lonely existence. People just aren't aren't comfortable with hiv/looneyness/bum boy syndrome as they pretend to be, though in my case I think it's a toxic cocktail of all three.
So, maybe concentrate on getting the house sorted, and getting into a better place health wise and then getting back out into the dating sea and see what you can catch. From your posts you're a bright, intelligent woman and if someone can't see past the stick and the scooter then you don't need someone like that in your life.
XxX
You seem concerned that you cant suss out these people quite quickly, then go on to say that you are normally quite a good judge of character, it's almost slightly contradictory in a manner. It's likely that when you develop certain feelings for someone perhaps they blind you?
Don't most people became some what blind to negative things when they feel like they're falling for someone?
I'm not sure it can be said for 'most' people - but it's definitely the case that it happens to some. My old house mate and I used to call it 'flash love' - when you see in someone the traits you want them to have rather than what's really there or the bigger picture. I think the point you start becoming more aware of it is often the point you start to be more conscious of your judgements.