I don't know what to write here

so basically i'm getting increasingly scared of what's happening to me

people say be careful what you wish for, they're right. i used to wish there was something wrong with me. i wished i was different, i wanted to stand out. i didn't want to be ordinary.


i don't know how old i was when i was given it, must have been before the age of 6, but at some point my grandad gave me a giant eeyore toy. i think prior to this he'd also given me a giant rag doll. i don't know how it started or what i even used to say, but i used to talk to them. i used to pretend they were people. fictional people, not based on anyone real. not like, 'dolly would you like some tea?' kind of talk. i'd wait until i was in bed, and whisper to myself. i'd whisper what i was saying, and whisper what they said back.

and then somewhere along the line- i don't know when, but i think this must have been before i was 8- i started to pretend they were people i knew. people i disliked more often than not, for whatever reason. and i started to think of horrible things i could do to them. like, pour rocks down their throat while they were asleep... or sew them to the bed. i used to imagine their reactions, and i vividly remember dreaming about laughing at them. i wonder sometimes now whether this has given me the almost god complex i have? i think i'm always right. even when i know i'm wrong, i still argue that i'm right. i have to be better than people, and for whatever reasons i can find, i look down on everyone around me. and i mean everyone. family, friends (not that i let myself have any). it's horrible.

i still do it. i do it every night. even during the day. it's never anyone i hate anymore. i think that's more because there isn't anyone i hate. i just don't really like anyone. i keep having to tell myself to stop but i can't. i don't know why i do it, clearly it doesn't make me feel any better.


it's ironic really, how now that i feel there is this wrong inside me, and it eats away at me every day, i'm more ordinary than ever. everyone has things wrong with them. i started wishing to be 'different' when i was about 13. but from thinking about it, i've realised the wrong must have always been there. for me to wish that there was something wrong in the first place there must have been a degree of something bad inside me.

you know how people think 'oh that's really sad, child poverty', i don't know, all the things like that? like, all the things that are wrong with the world that people get upset about? i've never been bothered by them. i used to think it was because i was incapable of feeling things. looking back on it, that is the most ridiculous sentiment.

well a few years ago i started to sort of, forget things? then recently i started to have these odd feelings that things hadn't actually happened. like i'd have a conversation with someone and then think that i actually hadn't and that i'd imagined it. i used to think i had premonitions. like i thought i had a dream of something happening and then it happened a while after and i had an almost deja vu feeling. i mean, was that real, or was i just forgetting things?
last night i got a call from some random kids, just messing about. and a few minutes ago i thought about it and wondered if it had really happened. i looked at my phone and sure enough saw the number in the call log, but i am still struggling to believe it happened. and i keep wondering about conversations i've had, i don't know if i have had them or not. it's really annoying me.

a couple of months ago i couldn't stop thinking about how and when i am going to die. i still think about it now but i try not to as much. i just can't imagine becoming older. i can't imagine adulthood. but i don't fear death. i think i've accepted it's inevitability.

i've started to wish there were no other people in the world. i sit alone in the toilets at lunch because i just don't want to hang out with my friends. it sounds horrible but i'm not sure i even think of them as friends. i don't think of anyone as a friend.

i know this whole thing is jumbled, i just needed to get something out of my head. it's not everything that i think about. it's just some of the things i've never told anyone. i don't feel as though i can tell anyone. not even my counsellor. some people think they know everything that's up with me, they think they've sussed me out. but they haven't. i just thought about that actually, sounds like the god complex coming back in. the controlling side of me. anyway, i don't know why i'm posting this. i don't feel as though there is anything that could be done to aid this. feel free to comment nonetheless, maybe you know a way you could respond that i'm missing. feel free to ask questions if you want to know anything. i just, don't know what to do anymore.