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Break up or not? (mentions s/h)
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,721 Bot
First of all, I realise I'm being a bitch.
So, been going out with my boyfriend 4ish months now, things were amazing, we didn't argue or anything, and yeah, it was really good. Think the 'new relationship' thing is starting to wear off a bit now though.
We both have mental health issues, we've always known that, it's pretty much how we started talking, but I feel like his are affecting me too much. It almost feels like I'm his carer rather than his girlfriend sometimes, and I know there's not much he can do about it, but its starting to really affect me.
When he's upset he pushes me away, I know he doesn't mean it but he only replies with one word answers, then when I ask if he wants a bit of time alone he says no. He refuses to get help, I've tried so many times, and I know if I tried to get him help he'd turn it down, it just isn't an option. I know I shouldn't consider it as a reason, but one of the main reasons I'm still with him is because he needs me.
It feels like my problems don't matter sometimes too, like I relapsed this week, and he got so upset saying that it was his fault and stuff that it ended up me supporting him.
Also, we were talking on Sunday about jealousy, and I told him I get quite jealous of his relationship with a friend, and since then its been 'friend this' and 'friend that'. To be fair, I am good friends with my ex, and I know he won't like that, but he knows everything's over with him.
He always makes me wrong too, if I try to compliment him he'll not only not accept it he'll go out of his way to make me absolutely wrong. It's like he has no trust in me at all, even little things like if he does well on a test it'll be 'but its still not good enough'/'you did x marks better' etc etc
I love him though, I have no doubt in saying that, he's my best friend, and sometimes things are amazing, just not as much as they should be. I get a feeling too that if I break up with him in a few days I'll miss him too much and want to get back together, and I don't want to do that to him.
He knows about all this, he's expecting me to break up with him, and not being able to give him an answer is awful, but I really don't know.
Hmm.. I don't know what to do. Gonna sit down and speak to him tomorrow about it but I want to be clear about everything first.
Bitchy rant over.
So, been going out with my boyfriend 4ish months now, things were amazing, we didn't argue or anything, and yeah, it was really good. Think the 'new relationship' thing is starting to wear off a bit now though.
We both have mental health issues, we've always known that, it's pretty much how we started talking, but I feel like his are affecting me too much. It almost feels like I'm his carer rather than his girlfriend sometimes, and I know there's not much he can do about it, but its starting to really affect me.
When he's upset he pushes me away, I know he doesn't mean it but he only replies with one word answers, then when I ask if he wants a bit of time alone he says no. He refuses to get help, I've tried so many times, and I know if I tried to get him help he'd turn it down, it just isn't an option. I know I shouldn't consider it as a reason, but one of the main reasons I'm still with him is because he needs me.
It feels like my problems don't matter sometimes too, like I relapsed this week, and he got so upset saying that it was his fault and stuff that it ended up me supporting him.
Also, we were talking on Sunday about jealousy, and I told him I get quite jealous of his relationship with a friend, and since then its been 'friend this' and 'friend that'. To be fair, I am good friends with my ex, and I know he won't like that, but he knows everything's over with him.
He always makes me wrong too, if I try to compliment him he'll not only not accept it he'll go out of his way to make me absolutely wrong. It's like he has no trust in me at all, even little things like if he does well on a test it'll be 'but its still not good enough'/'you did x marks better' etc etc
I love him though, I have no doubt in saying that, he's my best friend, and sometimes things are amazing, just not as much as they should be. I get a feeling too that if I break up with him in a few days I'll miss him too much and want to get back together, and I don't want to do that to him.
He knows about all this, he's expecting me to break up with him, and not being able to give him an answer is awful, but I really don't know.
Hmm.. I don't know what to do. Gonna sit down and speak to him tomorrow about it but I want to be clear about everything first.
Bitchy rant over.
Beep boop. I'm a bot.
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Comments
You're not a bitch at all, you clearly want to do the right thing and I know you've been talking about your worries for a while - it sounds like things are coming to a head now though and you feel as if something needs to change in the current situation.
When you say your boyfriend 'needs' you - do you mean in a really literal way - like he doesn't have anyone else to talk to or hang out with besides you? If that is the case, then that can be really stifling in a relationship - feeling needed rather than desired in a relationship doesn't feel nice.
There are a few things about your post that have really struck me and I'm wondering if this is your first serious relationship? You mention an ex from the past but I'm not sure if your feelings for him were as intense? Anyhow, the reason I mention it is because you say about the start of your relationship with your current boyfriend:
"Things were amazing, we didn't argue or anything."
Even though arguments can lead us to feeling bad, having arguments is completely natural and normal and can actually be really healthy if you're able to work through them - people often talk about feeling stronger as a couple if arguments lead to resentments being shared and let go, as well as being able to understand each other better. You may find TheSite's article dealing with arguments helpful.
You've mentioned a combination of factors that you're dealing with at the moment - insecurities about friends of the opposite sex, as well as concerns about health, feeling shut out when your boyfriend is upset and feeling like your problems are less than his. All of these things can all be hard to cope with and move forward with - and no doubt you question his love for you knowing that his actions can lead to you feeling so rotten? "How is it that someone who is supposed to love me, can leave me feeling worthless?"
The truth is that often when our behaviour is damaging to a relationship, we don't have the self-awareness to recognise it or to understand the impact we have on our partner. This might be the case for your boyfriend - or it might be that you both feeling vulnerable means it's tough to find a balance between you.
So, what's to decide?
I guess whether or not you can be together depends on a few things:
1) Do you genuinely feel calm, secure and happy during the good times?
2) Do you have the energy and enthusiasm to be patient during the tougher times - which might mean resolving not to take his down times personally and compromising about what you can realistically do. He needs to tell you what he needs when he gets upset and vice versa. Communicating your needs in a relationship, at times when you're not having an argument, is really important.
3) Are you in the relationship because you want to be with him or because you're scared of what it might feel like to not have a boyfriend?
These are tough questions, but will hopefully help a little.
Keep talking, we care about you and what you're going through. *hug*
By need I mean he doesn't have anyone else, as friends or support. In a way I am scared of leaving him because I don't know what he'd do, he's really not stable at the moment.
And yeah, first serious relationship! Definitely happy when things are good though, happy enough to put up with everything else if it wasn't affecting me quite as much as it is. I think tbh it's just been a bad week, we've both had AS results which we were disappointed with, and I've had family stuff, so when all that goes away I'll probably feel a lot better.
I rang him last night and told him I really don't want to leave him, but there's things I'm not happy with, so we've agreed to have a chat this afternoon and try and change things a bit, so hopefully that'll work
Nina x
Would it be possible to tell him you want a break for a week or two, and only meet up once or twice to give each other some breathing room. You'll still be together, you just want your own space for a while. That way, you can see how he'll cope on his own if you then do decide to split with him, and also it might help you decide whether or not you'll be happier just as friends.
I still talk to my ex, and although it is horrible because I've moved on but he still loves me, he knows I'll always be there to support him as a friend if he needs me to. Don't stay in a relationship that you aren't happy with or is focused unfairly around the other person... trust me