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Clingy boyfriend

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey

I've been seeing this guy who i care alot about. We both have our own issues and thats fine. I tried to make it clear that he has to wait for sex as for reasons i'm not gonna jump into bed with him. Hes really sweet but is texting/calling slightly obsessively- wanting to see me all the time. It's really annoying.
Am i being harsh? I do really like him but i would like things to be less intense 'cos i can't handle the clinginess.

I'm not sure what to do....Advice please!!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey

    I've been seeing this guy who i care alot about. We both have our own issues and thats fine. I tried to make it clear that he has to wait for sex as for reasons i'm not gonna jump into bed with him. Hes really sweet but is texting/calling slightly obsessively- wanting to see me all the time. It's really annoying.
    Am i being harsh? I do really like him but i would like things to be less intense 'cos i can't handle the clinginess.

    I'm not sure what to do....Advice please!!

    Hmm, I'm rubbish at relationships. How often is 'all the time'? How long have you been seeing him?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alot through the day. maybe four times?
    We've been together bout 3 months but inbetween that we had a break.


    Do i look like a dickhead right now?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alot through the day. maybe four times?
    We've been together bout 3 months but inbetween that we had a break.


    Do i look like a dickhead right now?
    No you don't look like a dickhead. It's fine to want to take things slowly.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Randomgirl wrote: »
    No you don't look like a dickhead. It's fine to want to take things slowly.

    So what do i say?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just be honest with him!! You can say you want to slow down a bit. There's nothing wrong with that. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you dont sound like a dickhead at all, but i dont think its unreasonable to text your girl/boy friend 4 times in a day and dont think thats clingy, so maybe youre just not as into him as he is you?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think he sounds like he's being clingy, I've texted my girlfriend four times just this morning. But that doesn't mean you're being a dickhead. Maybe you're just not ready for a relationship?

    You do need to be honest with him. Work out whether you actually want to be with him?
  • Starry nightStarry night Incredible Poster Posts: 674
    I don't think it is you. I am not really good on these matters but that seems a bit of clingyness. Although, because you mentioned he has some issues it may be just a small insecurity that can be swept over. Talk to him about, people always appreciate honesty, even if it's just in the long run. Put it as it's not him so much, but your personality and that closeness not really mixing, and you need some distance to help you recover completely from recent things. Not sure if this helps.If you were on his side of things, what would you want somebody to do? -
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my bf can be a bit too clingy for my liking and sometimes it gets on my tits to be honest. it's not because i'm a bitch, but because i like my own space and whilst i love the time we spend together, sometimes i need to be alone. we've been together a long time so i feel able to tell him to step back if he's getting a bit over the top, and he knows that i'm not being mean because he knows me very well. he knows himself sometimes that he's overdoing it a bit. it takes a bit of time to be able to set your 'rules' about this kind of thing and to appreciate what each other need. for example, i like waking up to a text from my bf and i like it when he sends thoughtful little messages while he's at work, but if he phoned me every hour it would bloody annoy me.

    i think the point is that if he is texting you four times a day and you are replying each time so you're having a text chat then that's perfectly normal and nice and not really clingy, but if it's a case of him texting your four times a day asking to come round after you've said no, or a constant 'what are you up to?' then for me that would be too much. i think everyone has their own idea of what is clingy. early on in a relationship texting each other fifty times a day might seem fine but later on it might seem a bit over the top. i would just have a chat with him about it and explain that you feel crowded, if he really is being too clingy then he should be able to accept that and calm down a bit.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »

    i think the point is that if he is texting you four times a day and you are replying each time so you're having a text chat then that's perfectly normal and nice and not really clingy, but if it's a case of him texting your four times a day asking to come round after you've said no, or a constant 'what are you up to?' then for me that would be too much. .

    This. That's how it is.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    do you realistically see a future with him?

    if it was a different guy, but he was equally as clingy, would it be different? (is it the clinginess that is the problem or the guy himself?)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This. That's how it is.

    I went out with a guy who after a month or so started the whole "hey, how are you? how has your day been?" every single blooming day. Guaranteed when I turned my phone on after work the message would be there. And the whole "what are you doing tonight?".... me: "chilling with my housemates"... him "oh well can I come round? I miss you"... me: "you saw me yesterday and we are seeing each other tomorrow... I'd like the evening to just hang with my housemates."... etc etc
    I can't stand clingyness. Like seriously, he came around to my house once and I went upstairs to get my phone saying I would be back down in 2 seconds... just need to get my phone, and turned round and he had followed like a little dog.

    Despite me saying I have a fierce independent streak and like my own space, and that I dislike texts always saying "hi, how has your day been?" he never did get the message and along with other stuff, it got too much and we lasted only a few more months.

    I think it is worth saying that you are not a fan of the clingyness, in case he is doing it as he thinks you'll appreciate all the affection... and if he doesn't get the hint maybe reconsider if you can be with him without it driving you mad!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    the whole "hey, how are you? how has your day been?" every single blooming day. Guaranteed when I turned my phone on after work the message would be there. And the whole "what are you doing tonight?".... me: "chilling with my housemates"... him "oh well can I come round? I miss you"... me: "you saw me yesterday and we are seeing each other tomorrow... I'd like the evening to just hang with my housemates."... etc etc
    if he doesn't get the hint maybe reconsider if you can be with him without it driving you mad!


    :yes: Completely how it is. I wanna say, can't i have a fucking bath in peace?! Shall i just drop my phone out the window?!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »
    do you realistically see a future with him?

    if it was a different guy, but he was equally as clingy, would it be different? (is it the clinginess that is the problem or the guy himself?)

    I'm not sure right now and thats got me worried.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've been a little guilty of this at times in the past, but never to the point of it being the reason I fell out with someone, well apart from the time where they couldnt make their mind up. Eg, got abuse over the phone about how I never called or texted, yet when I did I got abuse for being clingy. Sometimes you can never win.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The amount of texting isn't loads if its 4-5 a day, but it depends. The one thing that really drives me mad is the passive aggressive "oh you're not talking to me YOU MUST HATE ME" texts when I haven't replied immediately. If you're getting that sort of text I'd br worried.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm the same as you, I like my space, and can't deal with clingy texting all the time. I don't think you can put a definition on how clingy is clingy though so it's totally up to you.

    Like AR said though, are you getting stick for not texting back? I went out with a guy recently who was sooo clingy, texting me soon as I got up at 5.30, telling me he loved me after 2 weeks, then the first time I didn't text back for more 12 hours I get called a cunt.

    I think keep going with him, and let him know how bad he is being, maybe he doesn't realise?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He will text if i don't respond within 10minutes asking if i'm ok. He is a lovely person but i can't be dealing with this. I can't breathe.

    :chin:
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Boards Champion
    He will text if i don't respond within 10minutes asking if i'm ok. He is a lovely person but i can't be dealing with this. I can't breathe.

    :chin:

    Hey BB,
    it sounds like it's still early days for you guys and it can take a while for couples to meet in the middle when it comes to communication style - whether it be texts, calls, emails, Facebook - the whole she-bang! :) Finding a balance is tricky for lots of people.

    While the niggling feeling you're experiencing has led to a questioning of the relationship - and you say you're now feeling a little worried - try not to let it cloud your perception of the bigger picture. If as you say he's lovely and you are getting on when you see each other face-to-face, then there may be some techniques you can try to bring you closer to the same page when it comes to these text interactions. Do you feel as if it's worth trying that?

    You asked earlier on: "What do I say?"

    You may want to write some things down in this thread to try them out and get some feedback? Sometimes it's easy for conversations where you are challenging the way someone is to be either negative (the person ends up feeling more criticised than you intended) or too positive (the person doesn't take the request seriously)

    Consider what you'd like to happen in an ideal scenario and then we can help you to come up with some words/an approach that could help?

    You may find it helps to revisit our communication as a couple article too -
    http://thesite.org/sexandrelationships/couples/lifeasacouple/communicatingasacouple

    Keep us posted on how you're feeling :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Helen, i'll look at that x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He's starting to make me feel suffocated. I don't think this will work. got to go with my instincts. Shall i move on?
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Boards Champion
    got to go with my instincts.

    :yes: this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I thought i'd update you all. I was planning on finishing it with him when he texts me to say he desperetly needs to talk only to find out he's back in hospital. He said he is suicidal and how he doesnt wanna lose me because of it. i don't know what to do 'cus if i did finish it with him that'd be really harsh when hes feeling this way. The thing is, i can't handle him at the mo let alone the way hes feeling as i feel he's using me as a crutch.

    Advice?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if hes "back" in hospital for being suicidal, then it might not have been so much that he was clingy, but that he really needed someone. Youre using very loaded terms which signifies you dont really have any feelings or time for the guy at all. All id say is please be gentle. Using you as a crutch could mean needing your support. It depends which way youre trying to slant it.
    Are you able to get anyone else to be with him. Youre not obliged to be in a relationship with someone, and if youve both got MH problems it can be really hard
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was suicidal at the time when my ex-boyfriend split up with me. It wasn't nice. But he did make sure I was safe - he waited til my parents were visiting to split up with me so they could take me back to look after me. He keeps in contact, at first it was weekly for about a year, now it's a bit less often. Although it isn't ideal to break up with someone who is suicidal if they feel that way often due to existing m/h conditions then they are bound to feel that way afterwards anyway. I would urge you to consider safety but as he is already in hospital being looked after now might be a safer time to break up with him (even if it prolongs his stay in hospital) and it might be the kindest thing to do if you don't see a future with him. These are just my thoughts based on my own experience of a relationship ending whilst I was feeling suicidal.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The way you talk about him really makes me think that you simply don't have very much time for him at all. I really don't think he was being clingy and I don't think wanting to talk to someone during a mental health crisis means they're using you as a crutch. I would be surprised if he wasn't wanting to talk to the girl he's seeing during a crisis.

    I think you've made your mind up but you need to do it gently. I'd agree with randomgirl, if he is hospital already then now is probably a good time to do it. He won't like it, it may well make him worse, but he's in a safe place and that's as far as your obligation towards him goes.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Face-to-face right?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Face-to-face right?

    Yes preferably face-to-face.
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