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Forgiveness
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all, just joined this site after reading some threads and now would like to ask some opinions/advice from others. My story is pretty long winded (hope people will still read it!) and I apologise in advance but I feel there were a lot of factors that lead up to my problem so here goes....
I had been happily together with my boyfriend for about 18 months when he started to apply for new jobs about April time last year. Most of these jobs were going to mean he was going to move away as he was looking at completely starting a new career and doing apprenticeships which would last for years. We never really discussed it properly. I think we both maybe thought it just wouldn't materialise or if it did we would deal with it when it came to it. We had a fun summer together and then in July he was offered one of the jobs, 400 miles away!! I was so pleased for him and I'm still to this day proud of him for it. He accepted and we carried on enjoying the summer not really deeply discussing it and just focusing on having fun together instead. There's a 5 year age gap between us which never was an issue until all this happened. We only brushed over the subject of "the future" before he moved away as I didn't want to scare him off by thinking I wanted to get him up the aisle etc! We briefly talked about me moving to be with him but he didn't seem too keen and I was quite scared to move, paranoid I would lose everything at home for it not to work if I moved away, etc. I also got the impression from everyone involved, (mainly my parents and his), that this was HIS adventure and he should do it alone at first, I shouldn't go with him and I felt no support whatsoever. So in the end it was decided he would go at first and I would follow him once he was settled and I could find a job.
So in September he moved. I applied for a transfer with my work so I could move to be with him but I didn't get it. Then at the end of September I was hit another blow, I was at risk of redundancy. I felt that in the space of a month or two I'd lost my boyfriend and now I was losing my job, I was devastated and completely lost all control of my life. (I'd like to add here that since the mess has happened I have recently discovered I could have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder and some of the traits are not being able to adapt to change and liking to control their lives). Because he's 400 miles away this means we could only see each other for 1 weekend once a month. Absolute hell and very difficult when you're used to being with someone almost every day. We struggled through and when we did see each other it was great, had fun and it was like we had never been apart but then the saying goodbyes where still awful. I was keen to move, although it would never be my choice to live where he is but I was willing to do it for him as I know it would be temporary all be it 4-6 years but not forever.
Then in November a lot of people form work took their redundancy and left, I was made from full time down to part time hours but work had become a very depressing place I no longer wanted to be. There was a huge work night out for people leaving and I got extremely drunk, the drunkest I had been for a very long time, and I also got very upset, because there was a possibility I was leaving and also other people leaving and then missing my boyfriend, it felt like my life was crumbling around my feet and I couldn't do anything about it. I spoke to a lot of people that night and then got stuck talking to one of the guys for ages, all I wanted was for someone to listen to me and talk to, at first this guy was doing that but then he started to overstep the mark. At first I didn't really realise, too busy waffling crap and being wrapped up in my problems, but then he kept flirting with me and started kissing me. We ended up alone together but all I wanted to do was talk but he obviously had other things on his mind, me being in my drunk vulnerable state and not being strong enough stupidly just kind of let him do things to me and I ended up cheating on my boyfriend. I felt terrible the following day but had to shove it to the back of my head as I knew things would be over if my boyfriend found out and I was never going to see the guy again nor wanted anything to do with him.
The following couple of months went by without issues then fast forward to January and my boyfriend found out via someone messaging him because this guy had told someone. This happened when I was visiting my boyfriend so in a way that was good because I could talk to his face and tell him my side of the story but then I had to leave. In the following couple of weeks bizarrely things went very well between my boyfriend and I. I think partly he was in denial and he was very hopeful. We spoke alot more than normal and we started talking about important stuff again like getting to know one another again and then we decided to go away for a weekend together to see if we could sort it all out. That was almost three weeks ago now. That weekend did not go how either of us planned. We got on ok and when we went out for dinner it felt like back to normal but then we got drunk and an argument ensued. We left both heading home after a weird weekend not feeling like we had resolved anything nor feeling any further forward. He said he doesn't want us to split up but that he can't see a way round it because of the distance between us and the fact the trust is broken the distance makes that even more difficult.
So we're now split up and im completely devastated. I know I made a mistake and hurt him immensely but it wasn't planned, pre-meditated nor did I go looking for it, I didn't even fancy the guy, I was taken advantage of. I would do anything for me and my boyfriend to be able to patch things up including moving to be with him or nearer him.
We are still in contact, maybe txt once a week or something. He says he doesn't want to stop talking as in time he might get over it and we could try again and now I don't know what to do, its like playing a waiting game. There were no problems to our relationship until this so all I wish I could do is fix it. Anyone any clues or ideas as to how I can do this? Help......
I had been happily together with my boyfriend for about 18 months when he started to apply for new jobs about April time last year. Most of these jobs were going to mean he was going to move away as he was looking at completely starting a new career and doing apprenticeships which would last for years. We never really discussed it properly. I think we both maybe thought it just wouldn't materialise or if it did we would deal with it when it came to it. We had a fun summer together and then in July he was offered one of the jobs, 400 miles away!! I was so pleased for him and I'm still to this day proud of him for it. He accepted and we carried on enjoying the summer not really deeply discussing it and just focusing on having fun together instead. There's a 5 year age gap between us which never was an issue until all this happened. We only brushed over the subject of "the future" before he moved away as I didn't want to scare him off by thinking I wanted to get him up the aisle etc! We briefly talked about me moving to be with him but he didn't seem too keen and I was quite scared to move, paranoid I would lose everything at home for it not to work if I moved away, etc. I also got the impression from everyone involved, (mainly my parents and his), that this was HIS adventure and he should do it alone at first, I shouldn't go with him and I felt no support whatsoever. So in the end it was decided he would go at first and I would follow him once he was settled and I could find a job.
So in September he moved. I applied for a transfer with my work so I could move to be with him but I didn't get it. Then at the end of September I was hit another blow, I was at risk of redundancy. I felt that in the space of a month or two I'd lost my boyfriend and now I was losing my job, I was devastated and completely lost all control of my life. (I'd like to add here that since the mess has happened I have recently discovered I could have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder and some of the traits are not being able to adapt to change and liking to control their lives). Because he's 400 miles away this means we could only see each other for 1 weekend once a month. Absolute hell and very difficult when you're used to being with someone almost every day. We struggled through and when we did see each other it was great, had fun and it was like we had never been apart but then the saying goodbyes where still awful. I was keen to move, although it would never be my choice to live where he is but I was willing to do it for him as I know it would be temporary all be it 4-6 years but not forever.
Then in November a lot of people form work took their redundancy and left, I was made from full time down to part time hours but work had become a very depressing place I no longer wanted to be. There was a huge work night out for people leaving and I got extremely drunk, the drunkest I had been for a very long time, and I also got very upset, because there was a possibility I was leaving and also other people leaving and then missing my boyfriend, it felt like my life was crumbling around my feet and I couldn't do anything about it. I spoke to a lot of people that night and then got stuck talking to one of the guys for ages, all I wanted was for someone to listen to me and talk to, at first this guy was doing that but then he started to overstep the mark. At first I didn't really realise, too busy waffling crap and being wrapped up in my problems, but then he kept flirting with me and started kissing me. We ended up alone together but all I wanted to do was talk but he obviously had other things on his mind, me being in my drunk vulnerable state and not being strong enough stupidly just kind of let him do things to me and I ended up cheating on my boyfriend. I felt terrible the following day but had to shove it to the back of my head as I knew things would be over if my boyfriend found out and I was never going to see the guy again nor wanted anything to do with him.
The following couple of months went by without issues then fast forward to January and my boyfriend found out via someone messaging him because this guy had told someone. This happened when I was visiting my boyfriend so in a way that was good because I could talk to his face and tell him my side of the story but then I had to leave. In the following couple of weeks bizarrely things went very well between my boyfriend and I. I think partly he was in denial and he was very hopeful. We spoke alot more than normal and we started talking about important stuff again like getting to know one another again and then we decided to go away for a weekend together to see if we could sort it all out. That was almost three weeks ago now. That weekend did not go how either of us planned. We got on ok and when we went out for dinner it felt like back to normal but then we got drunk and an argument ensued. We left both heading home after a weird weekend not feeling like we had resolved anything nor feeling any further forward. He said he doesn't want us to split up but that he can't see a way round it because of the distance between us and the fact the trust is broken the distance makes that even more difficult.
So we're now split up and im completely devastated. I know I made a mistake and hurt him immensely but it wasn't planned, pre-meditated nor did I go looking for it, I didn't even fancy the guy, I was taken advantage of. I would do anything for me and my boyfriend to be able to patch things up including moving to be with him or nearer him.
We are still in contact, maybe txt once a week or something. He says he doesn't want to stop talking as in time he might get over it and we could try again and now I don't know what to do, its like playing a waiting game. There were no problems to our relationship until this so all I wish I could do is fix it. Anyone any clues or ideas as to how I can do this? Help......
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Comments
Welcome to TheSite and well done for being so open and honest in your first post!
Long-distance relationships are pretty tough on most people. There are ways to make them work - and many people do - but if you started off your relationship in the same area then the first few months of establishing your relationship apart are always hard.
There are so many changes to get accustomed to - not just for the person who's moved away. In fact, in many ways it's the person 'left behind' who has more to deal with as there's a more obvious hole where their partner used to be and they don't have all the new, exciting things to discover in a new area. Of course, there's no excuse for cheating, but it's normal to be left feeling confused, alone and a little vulnerable in your situation.
It sounds like you had quite a strong relationship. Your boyfriend was willing to listen to your side of things and then give it a go. Maybe he just needs a little time to get his head round what has happened and work out if he thinks he can still trust you or not?
Have you told him that you're willing to move to be with him? How does he feel about that option? One question I do have is - are you just saying that because you want to prove to him that he's your first priority - or do you really want to make the move? It's important that you're doing it for the right reasons, or it might backfire.
It sounds like the ball is very much in his court at the moment, though. So the best approach is probably to respect his wishes as much as you can. If he needs a little space then give it to him. If he wants to talk, talk. Whenever you have contact, make sure he knows that you still love him and want to be with him and hopefully, with time, he'll be able to build his trust in the relationship back up.
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PS - there are some great articles here on TheSite that might be helpful too:
Long-distance relationships
Dealing with arguments
Move in or move on?
I understand and agree there are no excuses for cheating and I have so many regrets but unfortunately I can't take it back. I just have to hope time will heal and we can move on together rather than apart.
I have told my boyfriend that I am willing to move to be closer to him. He has told me that he does not want to live with me anymore but that moving closer may be the only way to help however that was a few weeks ago and he has since changed his mind on that so at the moment he is pretty much telling me it is over but that he wants to stay in touch in case he changes his mind basically.
I know the ball is in his court unless I let him go but I dont want to.
Before my boyfriend found out everything I had already decided I wanted to move because it was going to be the only way we would work anyway before all this. It was always a case of when not if. So I don't think Im doing it for the wrong reasons.
Thanks again for listening