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She likes us both, and has chosen him.. this is difficult

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
This is the third time i am writing here about the same girl, if you have followed my other posts you will know that i reacquainted with a girl i was not sure about what i wanted in 2009 but that I had realised i still liked her and wanted to show her this. The whole month of January more or less we were in each others company and although she initially suggested just friends, boundaries disappeared one night when she was upset and i comforted her, me and her really connected and she practically lived at mine over January though it was complicated by the fact that she explained she liked a guy at University. She is attending a uni not far from me. We did end up sleeping together four nights in my bed, but things were always complicated because she was quite open with me that she liked this guy at uni, but she said she was also attracted to me and that was something she confirmed several times when we talked on separate occasions and plus backed up by all the time she spent with me. She explained that she felt i was wanting to settle down and that he was more unobtainable and she found him more of a challenge and an interest to her, she explained she was very mixed up about things and she was also very stressed about her work and my company probably helped. We became very close and it wasn't easy to not think about a possible future with her, i told her she meant a lot to me and that I've never really connected with anyone as well as i have with her. She decided though eventually that she wanted to tell me something i might not want to hear, that she didn't want to mess me around and that she felt she would have to explain this to the guy at uni. For the week and a bit after she would say "we shouldn't be doing this" when i was holding her hand or hugging her, but it continued. However we had been watching a movie trilogy over the past fortnight and she had been going to uni for the odd day here and there throughout the weeks, and when met up after a few days break for the second movie we seemed a lot more excited and happy to see each other again, this mid week. The third movie was due to arrive on rent and she was going to leave on the Monday/Tuesday back to uni but we met up the Saturday night and she was in my eyes a little thoughtful, she had been in touch with the guy at uni on her phone with texts and she was quite distant and it was awkward, the following morning i was very worried and quite upset that things might be wrong. I contacted her and she said she had decided to go back uni that night, last Sunday... I was worried about things and asked if we could meet up for a coffee before she went and she said not really but i could go around to hers whilst she packed. I did so and she was very happy and friendly and nice with me, made a coffee and we had a nice hug in her room and then also out in the porch as her parents were loading the car. She could sense i was upset and being huggy with her and she said don't worry i will be back wed/Thurs

Now for the bit that has really upset me and i should have seen this coming.. on Wednesday on Facebook i saw she had entered into a relationship with the guy at uni, i shouldn't of been shocked but it hit me like a brick, and i went very pale. I guessed that she might not be back wed/Thurs now and that everything would change. I couldn't ask her about things, but on the weds night she saw me on Facebook and asked if the third film had come? and if i still wanted to watch it. I was slightly weirded by it but of course said yes. Thursday evening after work i said im home now and she asked if she should eat before she came over? we agreed we'd meet after I'd cooked and eaten and i suggested 20 past 7 to her. She didn't reply and then it got to nearer 8 and i text her and got no response, i knew our contact had been so great since we met and knew this felt bad, she didn't answer my call to her phone either. I felt like i didn't know what to do, i didn't' know if it was a mistake or not, but i decided to get some fresh air and walked to hers after fighting the idea, it was the only thing i could do because i knew she was going back to uni fri and i didn't want to stop in all night feeling useless. Her mum answered and said she didn't know if she was in, but she invited me in and walked up stairs with me she asked me to go up and i saw her in her bed reading a book.

Okay so when i arrived she didn't know what to do, she couldn't look at me. I felt unsure if i should be there, but she didn't make me feel unwelcome, just gave me the impression she didn't know what to say. I stayed long enough so that we could talk about things and eventually she did open up and as always i felt she is a genuine girl who is mixed up in her feelings. She said to me that she had had doubts about whether coming to mine and just us watching a film would of been right given she was now going out with the guy at uni, of course that made sense, she explained that she did like me as well, and that we had tried being friends and it hadn't really worked. She said it would be best to meet up in a group, that would of been the avenue it would have maybe taken, but we had been down an avenue of more than that. he said that she doesn't know if things will work out with this guy at uni, and i was surprised she didn't look happy given that she is now with him, she said she is not sure how she should feel and her feelings for him have changed a bit, and that she didn't know if he would like her as much as she likes him. I told her i would always be there if she needed to talk, she said she felt guilty of things that had happened between us as she is now with the uni guy. I asked if we could still be friends and she said "Sure you've not done anything wrong". I was sat on her bedside the whole time of this conversation, and she said as we were ending the conversation "sorry" and gave a long look, she said it would be best in conclusion to not see each other for a while... i agreed and left.

I have been a mess since, and spoke to my family about it and other select friends. The problem with it all is that i have never been in a position of liking two people at once like she says so i can't relate to this, and she has confirmed it wasn't just friends, she did feel more than that for me, and for a fact she will be in my home area working on uni placement in the coming weeks.

I don't want her out of my life, and i want to be there should things fall through with the guy at uni. I have to get over her and the time will help that, but i could do with any advice anyone could give me. Please your comments would be very much appreciated at this time.

Thanks for listening!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    heyy,

    sorry to hear whats going onn for u :(. thats sucks. have u tryed speaking to them aboutit

    here ifo about reashingships

    http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/familyandfriends/friendship

    have a look on this it might help u with reashingshiops
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you only want her in your life so that you can "be there" (i.e. date her) if it falls over with uni guy. I don't think that will be too healthy for your emotional state.

    Guess the real test is whether you can listen to her talk about uni boy without feeling a stab in the heart. I suspect you can't. May be best to cool things.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    heyy,

    sorry to hear whats going onn for u :(. thats sucks. have u tryed speaking to them aboutit

    here ifo about reashingships

    http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/familyandfriends/friendship

    have a look on this it might help u with reashingshiops

    Thanks for your reply, have i tried speaking to who about it? I have been speaking with my fam a lot and some select friends, but i live on my own and am finding it extra lonely as a result. I don't think she wanted to hurt me, and i think she has felt bad about all this too..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you only want her in your life so that you can "be there" (i.e. date her) if it falls over with uni guy. I don't think that will be too healthy for your emotional state.

    Guess the real test is whether you can listen to her talk about uni boy without feeling a stab in the heart. I suspect you can't. May be best to cool things.

    Thanks for your comment Arctic Roll, I think you are correct at the moment now that she is gone so suddenly after having spent sooo much time with her and it has been quality time i still have very strong feelings for her.

    It's just becuase nothing bad has happened and that if they broke up i might have a chance. But i think your correct about cooling it off with her, she has asked for that specifically so i just feel helpless. Facebook makes it difficult too. I did just ask her about a placement in my town, becuase she will be coming back to do that over the next few weeks i think.

    I just feel like i can't talk to her now and i hope something happens in the future, maybe the time will be right at a future point. My feelings won't go away for her anytime soon, though i must admit they have grown to a high level since what happened. I liked her before but did just think that we would have been just friend, sure i wanted more, but i didn't think anything would happen. As it all happened so relatively quickly and had such prolonged company with her my feelings have grown over that time. I feel helpless, there really isn't anything that i can do. I really wish we could try the friends thing, it would help me feel better and make relise that i am always going to be there for her. I was able to hear about her feelings for the guy before they were together, not sure about now tbh, she has been very easy to talk to.. oh dear i feel like i have just put a time frame on a next step.. this isn't good. I will have to respect her wishes, she has said i haven't done anything wrong. Maybe i will hear from her in a month or so, and then maybe my feelings will be slightly more managable. Its only been since Wednesday, and she will be having loving contact with him and won't feel lonely like i do, so probably won't be thinking about me much.. and probably knows im going to be here for her..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you want to be friends then trying the friendship thing will be perfectly ok. But if you want to be more I think it will backfire on you. I don't usually believe in the "friend zone" but think it might apply in this case. If you maintain that emotional closeness whilst she's attached to him then you'll always be the friend.

    Cool it a bit, see other people and see what happens. You really never know.

    It sounds like she doesn't really know what she wants and is testing out different people. Forcing the issue won't work. She may see you differently when you're out with loads of hot girls.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you want to be friends then trying the friendship thing will be perfectly ok. But if you want to be more I think it will backfire on you. I don't usually believe in the "friend zone" but think it might apply in this case. If you maintain that emotional closeness whilst she's attached to him then you'll always be the friend.

    Cool it a bit, see other people and see what happens. You really never know.

    It sounds like she doesn't really know what she wants and is testing out different people. Forcing the issue won't work. She may see you differently when you're out with loads of hot girls.

    Thanks again for your reply Arctic, I feel i would like to keep a connection with her, though she did say that friends didn't really work becuase more came of it, and its true that my feelings and subsequent thoughts for her are as a companion. I want to give it time too, like she said and like you said cool it a bit. There is no rule book for this kind of thing, but i feel after a while a connection will be required to keep some kind of relationship going, even as friends. How do i want to play it? Well I think i will always want more, but maybe time will help cool things a bit. I'll be pleased when Valentines day is over.. i was hoping that i would have an opportunity to do my first Valentines, genuine. I am 28 now and she is 23 to put things in perspective. I know there is a chance for friendship at least becuase she said we can be but we need to give it some time apart.. But becuase i am not with anyone else, and have only her on my mind i think i am going to need more time than her, though i am going to be the one wanting less time apart at the same time lol. It's crazy madness really isn't it, but talking about this is helping so thanks for your replys.

    I dont feel i can make any steps for probably a week or two, any question would feel out of place like when are you in town? etc. I'm not sure sure when she finishes Uni, but i wouldn't really like to see him with her. That would not feel good!

    I talked to a girl on Saturday night, she had pretty eyes, i suppose if i made a connection ie an impression on someone and they liked me back that would be nice, i don't know, anything could happen, just that i want a particular set of circumstances to occur.. I will try to keep my head up and there is no reason we can't relate at some future point, i just hope that her feelings for me however significant were genuine after she has had time to think :s
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you want to be friends then trying the friendship thing will be perfectly ok. But if you want to be more I think it will backfire on you. I don't usually believe in the "friend zone" but think it might apply in this case. If you maintain that emotional closeness whilst she's attached to him then you'll always be the friend.

    Cool it a bit, see other people and see what happens. You really never know.

    It sounds like she doesn't really know what she wants and is testing out different people. Forcing the issue won't work. She may see you differently when you're out with loads of hot girls.

    :yes:
    goddog2 wrote: »
    I will have to respect her wishes, she has said i haven't done anything wrong. Maybe i will hear from her in a month or so, and then maybe my feelings will be slightly more managable.

    Sound advice to yourself - your feelings will in time become more manageable and perhaps the more space you give her to figure out her feelings towards uni guy as well as towards you, the less confused she will be and the clearer things will become for you.

    For some people space is what makes them miss you - so that could go either way. And like ArcticRoll says being too close to her could stick you in the "friendzone" all the while listening to her and uni guy stories :no:

    PS Also meeting other girls and having a new connection as you have done Saturday could be fun and distracting :yes:

    Good luck, keep letting us know what happens *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sound advice to yourself - your feelings will in time become more manageable and perhaps the more space you give her to figure out her feelings towards uni guy as well as towards you, the less confused she will be and the clearer things will become for you.

    For some people space is what makes them miss you - so that could go either way. And like ArcticRoll says being too close to her could stick you in the "friendzone" all the while listening to her and uni guy stories :no:

    PS Also meeting other girls and having a new connection as you have done Saturday could be fun and distracting :yes:

    Good luck, keep letting us know what happens *hug*

    Thanks soo much for your reply Christele, much appreciated. I am going through this with her wishes in play, it has been difficult and i have been upset, today actually at work at the canteen i was close to bursting, shows how much this time january meant to me, but i am hopeful as to my well being as much as anything, i can always be there if she wants me and my feelings will grow more manageable. And you are soo right about me not wanting to hear about her current stories Christele. Thanks i will keep you up to date, but hopefully there won't be an update for a while. I hope a bit of peace rests and calms the situation, maybe our feelings will collide in the future, but if i don't hear from her, i hope my hopes become more managable too. Also if she contacts me too soon, i hope it is for the right reason, and she doesn't try to pull me into the friend zone, but i won't over worry about that either. I have a life to lead in the meantime, onwards into the rest of 2013 i go. Thanks all i'll speak to you soon :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Right im sorry to bring this up again, but im sure a lot of you have been through this before. It is now Thursday, this time last week was the last time i saw her, i found on facebook from one of her friends comments yesterday she had replied to that she couldn't do social stuff with them tonight at uni becuase she would be back in town where i live tonight!

    I am sat in my kitchen atm and i know she is online and only 3 mins up the road from me, not that it would do me much good to try to do anything, but i really have a strong urge to say hi to her, it would be nice, but only really i suppose if a conversation struck up... I can't really do what i want with her whilst she is in this relationship but i can't help feel i want to speak to her, though i wish it would be her to start the conversation.. I have been here before with past experiences, and have almost always given in... but then it shouldn't be about "giving in", im not trying to play a game here, she has said what she has said... maybe i want to be on her mind, and im not sure what she is thinking, whether she is ever thinking about me. Valentines day with her bf will be next week, and i have no doubt that she will remain with him for countless months, who knows, i can't know that..

    What are peoples thoughts, given that she wants some space from me and her seeing each other, do you think it wise to occasionally just ask how uni work is going etc? make her remember i am someone she can reach out to? And be in her mind, if anything should change in the future. I was thinking to leave it longer, i guess i would just like some opinions..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think my own thoughts on this are, that she can't give me what i want whilst she is with him and if i saw her right now it would probably hurt me more and be remembered as an awkward moment, that might affect our future. The last moment we saw each other was a very negative one from my point of view, her explaining now she was with him we best not see each other for a while.

    Would reaching out and saying hi on facebook or a text be a good idea or not, or if leaving it and have no contact would be a good idea long term..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    goddog2 wrote: »
    Would reaching out and saying hi on facebook or a text be a good idea or not

    No. You don't have to be constantly talking to her to be in her thoughts.....she has asked for some space, give it to her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think all you can do is leave her alone and see what happens. I don't think crowding her would do any good at all.

    It sucks being led on by someone, but it depends on whether you can "just" be friends. If you can take the piss out of her latest date then you'll be fine.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think all you can do is leave her alone and see what happens. I don't think crowding her would do any good at all.

    It sucks being led on by someone, but it depends on whether you can "just" be friends. If you can take the piss out of her latest date then you'll be fine.

    Thanks for your reply's Neddy, straight to the point and helped me. I sat down on my own and watching the dictator on bluray. And Artic Roll, thanks for your comment I will leave her alone, i got to be realistic, it's only been a week, if i could get over some of my feelings this would be easier, and at the moment i don't think i could just be friends becuase of my feelings still. I'm not too good at taking the piss out of people, not my way.. i'd give it a go for her lol but i don't even know the guy.

    Thanks guys you have helped me for now, hope i can speak to you again if i need to. Have a good weekend!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It'll pass. I got led on by someone and it wasn't nice but now I'm back to just mocking whichever boy she's seeing this week. It's quite amusing really.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I Saw her last night!

    I am writing again with an update and to get stuff off my chest, i feel it would help and be nice to read any reply.

    A month has gone by nearly and i have not messaged her for better or for worse, she hasn't messaged me.. I was horrible at first and started to get more manageable. Anyway she was back in town for a 21st big party at pub last night, me and my band were playing and she arrived, it was nice to be able to play in her presence, but she was quite clearly awkward with me being there, she sat with her back to me and my band and afterwards when the other band was on and i was able to speak it was too busy to sit near her even if i had wanted to, eventually i was able to sit on the same table. But we didn't speak, i said hi emma how are you, and that was about it. I wasn't too distraught but i was dissapointed, she had made this awkward not me.. this morning i spoke a little on facebook with her and basically asking if we could meet up for coffee, she said she had too much work to do, but said she would let me know if anything changed. Anyway i went to the pub with some friends at lunch and coincidence she ended up coming in with her parents at another table as me and my friends were all getting up to leave and she hugged my friend as they do as friends, but completely avoided eye contact with me... it just feels horrible and very over the top to be honest,

    It seems she has completely shut me out, and i know i can't push it because she will only block me on face book and that will kill everything.. At least i have a an open channel still.. I know it sounds hopeless, maybe she didn't like me as much as she said.. I respected her time apart now she is with him at uni, but it seems to have done harm... i dont know what else to say, i don't think i have done or said anything untowards to damage anything, maybe she needs more time than me... weird. Any thoughts?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Perhaps she is getting on well with the other guy, and it hurts her to be so friendly around you. However, to be precise, you are the other guy now. It sounds like it hurts a lot for you though. To be honest she might think that she cant be friends with you, without you wanting more or at least hoping for more, and any contact with you might just be prolonging pain.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    G-Raffe wrote: »
    Perhaps she is getting on well with the other guy, and it hurts her to be so friendly around you. However, to be precise, you are the other guy now. It sounds like it hurts a lot for you though. To be honest she might think that she cant be friends with you, without you wanting more or at least hoping for more, and any contact with you might just be prolonging pain.

    Thanks for your reply, it sounds spot on. I'm finding this difficult to deal with, i was finding i was starting to cope with my thoughts but feel like this latest predicament is something i can't stop thinking about. What it boils down to is i don't know what she is thinking, and can't confirm what she is thinking, i feel like future contact with her is a on a tethered thread and yet at this stage i still have her facebook, and i now feel its critical i do or don't do something, i feel like i want to speak to her, but she isn't very receptive or communicative with me. I don't know how to go forward arghhh im also knackered been a very very heavy weekend.. i feel getting back to work is going to help. Living on my own is very lonley in times like this, and unfortunately i had plans with another girl for tonight, someone i could have been interested in but she cancelled on me. Maybe i should go on match.com or something i am getting rather desperate
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think from what you describe it sounds like you need to get comfortable with being on your own before getting with someone else. You have been through a bit of emotional pain with this girl, if you try getting close to anyone else right this minute then you might just be trying to get with someone to fill the gap in your heart. That wouldn't be fair on your or the person you were trying to get close to.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oops double post **DELETED**
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