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My friend situation: need some advice

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all,

So, I'm not sure if I'll have that many replies, because it's a bit long, but here goes.

I have two groups of friends:
1) Friends from college, who I still get on with, but I don't speak to very much. I cottoned on a while ago that some of them bitch to me a lot about other people, so they probably bitch about me a lot as well. None of them have visited me either at Uni or anywhere I've lived since I left Leicester 7 years ago. I usually visit them 3-4 times a year, but haven't for a while now because - why bother if they don't bother to even call? (I do still call to catch up, the first sentence is always "Richard! It's great to talk! I need to come visit you sometime, I know I always say it...")

2) Friends from Uni, who I still get on with but I haven't seen them in the last 6 months due to a busy home life with work, new girlfriend and figuring everything out. None of them have every visited me inevitably. I share less values with this group - they tend to spend 100% of their money and behave very middle class; when I said (we have a group chatroom on Skype) I was buying second hand furniture, the reaction was really one of revulsion. They don't all come from middle class backgrounds, just going to Uni changes some people I guess. They all think they know it all despite being in their 20s. I find it more difficult, post-uni, to gel with these guys because they are less interested in having a conversation, and more interested in having an argument and agreeing with a conclusion. Most of the stuff they say is bitching about [something obscure to do with computer science and agreeing with it]. I've literally said before I was going for lunch somewhere, and they were like 'Why the fuck do we care what you're eating?'.

At work I get on with people, but secretly feel they don't like me so much. They are like the people from Uni - everyone thinks they know it all, or are better than other people. I do get on with them at lunchtimes though. I know they hang out outside of work, but they don't invite me. I'm 25 though, and they are 30-38.

I joined a group about a year ago to go cinema with, which was fun and I got on with everyone. They were all 40+ though. I don't really go anymore though, in part because I hang out with my girlfriend a lot and in part because I mainly went out of boredom, rather than to make friends (going with a group to watch a movie dont be surprised if you just watch a movie and don't make friends).

I'd like to make some friends, I don't really lack for social skills. I'm quieter than a lot of people, but I don't think its something that actually stands in the way of me making friends (just different personality types). I just never get invited to things. People forget I exist.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Visit me. I'm only half an hour away remember x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What about your girlfriend's friends? That may read a little like *stealing* but really, if you branch out and are open to new friendships it'll happen naturally because your confidence will grow with it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi ShyBoy,

    It's completely natural for friendships to change and grow. Some people assume their school friends will be friends for life, or uni friends forever, but the reality is what at the time brought you together, might not anymore :no:

    So perhaps you are looking for friends that fit your current life now? Perhaps people who also are in relationships and/or have similar interests that you have now rather then had?

    The idea by clementine_the_tangerine about getting close to your girlfriend's friends is a good idea. How about going on double/triple dates with her friends that are dating guys? You could strike up a friendship with them if you get on? Sure it could be tricky if they end up splitting, but at the end of the day your alliance is with your girlfriend not against her friend's ex :razz:

    Otherwise, for a perhaps less complicated option - you said you had joined a group previously - how about volunteering somewhere new and meeting friends this way?

    Good luck, and do let us know how you get on :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Christele. I agree its natural for friendships to evolve. I'm comfortable with that - it's mainly the last 18 months I have had very few friends who I've had frequent contact with.

    They're fairly good suggestions that you've made though.

    My girlfriend has actually moved a long way from her friends, so currently except for her work colleagues is in the same boat.

    I had looked into volunteering, but that was a dead end too because I don't have the time required to commit - at least not for any of the opportunities around near me.

    I did spend a few months trying to find opportunities to meet people, spending every Saturday in town and making an effort to talk to strangers over various things. It was fun, got a bit of social contact. As you might imagine though - didn't make any friendships.

    I think I am a personable, friendly person that you could meet and you would get on largely. But also, lamentably, an utterly forgettable person. Perhaps I need to be more interesting to be a bit more compelling to people.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi ShyBoy

    I wish I had a magic solution to this problem - I moved city a year ago and know how hard it can be to form new friendships from scratch.

    One thing I will say is that, as we get older we get more and more wrapped up in our own little worlds, so it can be harder to 'make friends' as people have their own safe life already. This is human nature to a large extent and doesn't mean that you're not likeable or that you're forgettable, just that people are busy and making new friends isn't top of their priorities.

    For my part, I've tried to stay open-minded and talk to everyone. Whereas before I probably pre-judged people a lot, now I try to get to know as many people as possible even if they don't immediately seem like 'my type'. I'm learning to appreciate that friends come in all shapes and sizes!

    I also have less qualms about looking 'desperate' - I don't mind suggesting a drink or a coffee with someone I'm getting on well with - something I'd never have done before!

    Also, if your girlfriend is in a similar situation, maybe you could start a sociable hobby together with a view to both meeting new people? Some kind of sport/dancing etc where there are lots of other people would be good... even if you don't meet anyone you might have fun together!
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