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I'm not okay
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey, so..
Whenever you make small talk with someone and its usually "Hey you okay" and to which most people answer back "yeah, I'm fine" I've even started to say it to my closest friends, My friends who..know about my previous suicide attempts, and when they ask if I'm okay, I say "yeah fine
" and I'm not..simple answer, I am not okay. I'm never okay anymore, I've watched hundreds of suicidal videos, I've looked at thousands of suicidal photos on tumblr. I still say I'm okay, I spend most nights in bed...with music or my tele on really loud to drown out the sound of myself crying, I'm not okay, I'm beyond okay, I've collected tablets and other items, simply NOT okay. I've had it.. I starve myself, i hurt myself...I constantly have nightmares of commiting suicide but i wake up just before I die. Its not normal, I write notes hundreds of times but rip them up..and re-write them.
I'm just..not okay anymore
Whenever you make small talk with someone and its usually "Hey you okay" and to which most people answer back "yeah, I'm fine" I've even started to say it to my closest friends, My friends who..know about my previous suicide attempts, and when they ask if I'm okay, I say "yeah fine
" and I'm not..simple answer, I am not okay. I'm never okay anymore, I've watched hundreds of suicidal videos, I've looked at thousands of suicidal photos on tumblr. I still say I'm okay, I spend most nights in bed...with music or my tele on really loud to drown out the sound of myself crying, I'm not okay, I'm beyond okay, I've collected tablets and other items, simply NOT okay. I've had it.. I starve myself, i hurt myself...I constantly have nightmares of commiting suicide but i wake up just before I die. Its not normal, I write notes hundreds of times but rip them up..and re-write them.I'm just..not okay anymore
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Comments
Trying to find distractions from the issue, especially considering your recent loss, may be a way to find strength and hope. It's great that you seek enjoyment from artists like Jesse J, and maybe there is more music, artists or art in general, or other influences that can bring some brightness to your world.
It's also really positive that you keep talking to us here.
I know you've tried talking to childline in the past and although scary, did help a bit...remember its a 24/7 service, so there are people available to chat whatever time you're in need.
Really hope you manage to get some peaceful zzzzz tonight - remember we're here for you and care lots.
When you think about something too much during the day, those thoughts occupy your dreams.
You could try and write a book. I find that making up characters and storylines, that are completely different to your own life, are good ways to take your mind off things.
If you find something else to focus on then maybe you'll stop thinking so much about other things.
Does that make sense?
I know it's easier to pretend that you're okay than express your true emotions. I do it all the time. Just find one person that you can confide in.
All the best! x
I think the two replies you have got so far have said all, but I just want to say you don't have to deal with all this on your own, we care and are here for you.
Take care x