If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Relapses getting worse.(TW)
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi there, i'm back .... once again!
I know its been quite some time since I was last here, and I've actually been doing quite well up until a couple of weeks ago.
My therapist cleared me of depression back in July, and I've been slowly getting back to "normal" since. I got on with a new job, doing a lot of training and finally looking into the future. Come septermber and october, I was also on track with my school work and doing well with that for the first time in about 4 years. In all that time i'd had a couple of struggles, when I wanted to cut (and once did actually cut) but I managed to get through.
Skip to about 2 or 3 weeks ago. Things are getting harder, my parents are at the worst they've ever been. I'm seeing my school councellor anyway, just to be sure - slip ups over the summer made me want to do a month or so with her, just to help me out some more. But as things get worse, this doesn't seem to be enough. I'm struggling in one subject now, and ask for help but never get it, only get told off constantly for being behind and not doing much work. This makes me hate going to class and gets me down. Now I have parents and a teacher telling me I'm useless, that I'm not good enough etc. I hear it most of my waking moments at home, and at school if I turn up to her lessons. After one particularly triggering conversation with that teacher I walked out of the lesson and haven't actually been back since. Spoke with my head of year to sort it all out (yay, being responsible!) but i have to go back this week.
The stress of this is starting to affect my other subjects, and I get stuck in a vicious cirlce. I feel down because I'm fall behind, and feeling down means I really can't concentrate on work, which means I fall behind some more.
I'm also having problems with the anxiety and a lot of other stuff from my past. This is making it all much more of a struggle, getting me even more down.
I then started feeling detattched from myself again, and this detattchment seems to get bigger each day.. and I also feel suicidal on and off. This all happened in the lead up to me hearing voices a year and a half ago. I admitted this to my school counsellor and she immediatley made an appointment with my GP for me and made me promise to go. She was for a while calling me every other day to make sure I was okay. (to be honest, got rather annoying. think she sensed it, along with me not saying much just "yeah im fine" and stopped.)
Anyway - the GP. He then started keeping a close eye on me. After catching me on a good day, he has left me alone to go back in a months time. But, before that he was wanting me to go back to CAMHS and possibly back on anti-depressants.
I'm terrified. I'm going back. I don't want to, i'm fighting it, but i'm not strong enough.
I can't talk to my mother & stepdad as i'm fairly sure they are what caused the fall to begin at least. I tried to talk to my dad, but he pretty much ignored what I said... "yeah i feel a bit down too. I just want a job. and oh we have to work out the tax credits."
Yeah hi dad, I just told you that I think I'm falling back into depression? I don't give a crap about your tax credits!
Anyway... I just don't know what to do.
CAMHS is an option, but a very very awkward one. I can't go back without my mum finding out, which I don't want her to. I could possibly try to keep it from her, but its a one hour session plus a 2 hour / 2 and a half hour journey, providing the bus times fit in, if they don't i'm stranded in a town I don't live in. Finding an excuse for that amount of time will be near impossible, since I'm not allowed out with friends much. If I got stranded I'd have nobody to ring for help, I'd have to take a good 50 minutes walk to somewhere which gives me an excuse for being out of town to then get my mum to rescue me. (which, from there, i'm more likely to be able to get a bus anyway!)
I just don't know what to do. Theres a part of me left fighting whilst the other part is just giving up and wanting to end it.
Please help?
I know its been quite some time since I was last here, and I've actually been doing quite well up until a couple of weeks ago.
My therapist cleared me of depression back in July, and I've been slowly getting back to "normal" since. I got on with a new job, doing a lot of training and finally looking into the future. Come septermber and october, I was also on track with my school work and doing well with that for the first time in about 4 years. In all that time i'd had a couple of struggles, when I wanted to cut (and once did actually cut) but I managed to get through.
Skip to about 2 or 3 weeks ago. Things are getting harder, my parents are at the worst they've ever been. I'm seeing my school councellor anyway, just to be sure - slip ups over the summer made me want to do a month or so with her, just to help me out some more. But as things get worse, this doesn't seem to be enough. I'm struggling in one subject now, and ask for help but never get it, only get told off constantly for being behind and not doing much work. This makes me hate going to class and gets me down. Now I have parents and a teacher telling me I'm useless, that I'm not good enough etc. I hear it most of my waking moments at home, and at school if I turn up to her lessons. After one particularly triggering conversation with that teacher I walked out of the lesson and haven't actually been back since. Spoke with my head of year to sort it all out (yay, being responsible!) but i have to go back this week.
The stress of this is starting to affect my other subjects, and I get stuck in a vicious cirlce. I feel down because I'm fall behind, and feeling down means I really can't concentrate on work, which means I fall behind some more.
I'm also having problems with the anxiety and a lot of other stuff from my past. This is making it all much more of a struggle, getting me even more down.
I then started feeling detattched from myself again, and this detattchment seems to get bigger each day.. and I also feel suicidal on and off. This all happened in the lead up to me hearing voices a year and a half ago. I admitted this to my school counsellor and she immediatley made an appointment with my GP for me and made me promise to go. She was for a while calling me every other day to make sure I was okay. (to be honest, got rather annoying. think she sensed it, along with me not saying much just "yeah im fine" and stopped.)
Anyway - the GP. He then started keeping a close eye on me. After catching me on a good day, he has left me alone to go back in a months time. But, before that he was wanting me to go back to CAMHS and possibly back on anti-depressants.
I'm terrified. I'm going back. I don't want to, i'm fighting it, but i'm not strong enough.
I can't talk to my mother & stepdad as i'm fairly sure they are what caused the fall to begin at least. I tried to talk to my dad, but he pretty much ignored what I said... "yeah i feel a bit down too. I just want a job. and oh we have to work out the tax credits."
Yeah hi dad, I just told you that I think I'm falling back into depression? I don't give a crap about your tax credits!
Anyway... I just don't know what to do.
CAMHS is an option, but a very very awkward one. I can't go back without my mum finding out, which I don't want her to. I could possibly try to keep it from her, but its a one hour session plus a 2 hour / 2 and a half hour journey, providing the bus times fit in, if they don't i'm stranded in a town I don't live in. Finding an excuse for that amount of time will be near impossible, since I'm not allowed out with friends much. If I got stranded I'd have nobody to ring for help, I'd have to take a good 50 minutes walk to somewhere which gives me an excuse for being out of town to then get my mum to rescue me. (which, from there, i'm more likely to be able to get a bus anyway!)
I just don't know what to do. Theres a part of me left fighting whilst the other part is just giving up and wanting to end it.
Please help?
0
Comments
I don't have a good relationship with my parent the most difficult is my father.(actually i don't have a good relationship with any of my relatives that includes my sisters) I have no one to talk to here at home and i don't have friends because i'm so messed up that i prefer to lock up myself in my room.
i start cutting a few days ago after i did almost 1 year clean,i did't tell anyone and i have to wear long sleaves because i don't want any of my family to find out( if they do they would ask milion questions)
right now i don't have a job and that means no money so that will add to my everything going on these days.
I was seeing a counsellor after i tried to make suicide but it didn't work out good.so with my depression and all the stuff that is going on at home,sometimes i hate myself and my family.
now i'm trying to deal with this crap(don't know what to do
I know that i didn't help you and didn't give you the advice that you want, i just didn't want you to feel alone in the family/cutting crap part.:)
Hope everything turns out good and stay strong.Keep fighting.
You've taken a big step asking for help. When suffering from depression I personally think it's normal to slip back sometimes. After getting help and counselling I didn't self harm for years, but I still had small bad days that I somehow managed to get through. But then I got depressed again, this time I asked for help as soon as I realized the symptoms were starting again, because I didn't want to be that way again, and I was terrified because I was coming close.
I don't think I'll ever truly be free from depression, but that's okay, because now at least I can see those thoughts and feelings can't hurt me, only I can. If you give in, start to believe those things you're feeling then it gets harder. I had to find the positives, the facts about myself and push away the false negative feelings.
Is your teacher a difficult person to get along with? When I was in school, I picked a course that had a huge importance on my chosen future career. But I couldn't finish, I dropped the course because the teacher was really strict and hard to get along with. I regret that now, but back then I was at my worst and simply couldn't cope. I think I needed to sort myself out first before being able to deal with someone so demanding, even now I think I would struggle.
Don't ever feel you have to force yourself in anything you do, it only adds to the pressure and makes everything worse. Your health is more important than any school work. I should know, I had no help until I left school, and ended up with poor results in my GCSEs, but I made up for that after I got the help I needed. I came away with a DISTINCTION in college and I'm now working in that chosen career.
I won't lie, it's tough, and like me you may still have your ups and downs, but, if you can see the positives as well as the negatives I think it can become a little easier. Keep fighting and asking for help and you can get through too.
Hope you are feeling better. xx *hug*
I guess its just a matter of talking to my doctor about options other than CAMHS. I'm just a bit scared to go back and admit its not all as ok as i said.
Hope you're feeling better. xx