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what is the point in fighting it ( dont know if this is triggering or not)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Sorry in advance if this makes no sence.

For some reason people feel the need to kick me when im down and make me feel worse.
I messed up today I self harmed it was the first time in a month. I hate that I am so messed up in the head that I can't just stop and that I always go back to this right now I am just wondering if everyone would be better of if I was dead.

8 months ago today my nan one of the main people who actually cared and loved me died and all day people have been taking trips down memory lane and talking about it and I cant .
I just feel so worthless and alone and I just dont think I can take anymore im done I have No fight left

Comments

  • ReenaReena Posts: 1,375 Wise Owl
    Sorry to hear you're not feeling too good.
    I use to think everyone would be better off without me too, but I was so wrong. I give so much to my family, if I wasn't here they wouldn't be better off. But I couldn't see past that when I was at my lowest. I only thought of the now, not the future.
    What happened? What was all the kicking? I know that everything felt 10x worse when I was already down, even if it was a tiny problem/ issue, it seemed so much bigger because of how I was feeling.
    How are you today?
    xx *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for commenting.
    My auntie said she thinks that part of me likes being down and that I love the drama of it all and that when I am like this I will bring everyone else down. I just dont get it I kept it to my self for 5 years and faked a smile and when I couldnt do that shut my self away and when I finally asked for help she said all the right things then now to just make out that I choose to be like this and that it makes me selfish because I dont think about that I am bringing them all down,
    it hurts that I am obviously ruining everything thing and they would all just be better off if I wasn't here.
    I cant seem to shake this feeling that I dont deserve to live and im not sure I have anything left in me to fight it sorry if I am rambling x
  • ReenaReena Posts: 1,375 Wise Owl
    Don't be sorry, I ramble all the time.
    I kept it to myself too, but my mother said she noticed something wasn't right.
    Your auntie should know that saying things like that can have a very negative affect. I know some of my family thought I was being a drama queen and that I liked the attention, but I didn't, I was hurting and had no courage to ask for help.
    Don't let that stop you looking for help when you're ready. I say when you're ready, because pushing to feel better can have the opposite affect. But not everyone seems to understand that, and they push you, sometimes out of desperation trying to help, other times for their own reasons. No one would choose to feel this way, if she knew how it felt she wouldn't say that.

    Trust me, you deserve to live and there is no way you alone are ruining things for everyone else. That's down to them.
    I've been there many times, truly believing it was better if I wasn't here, but if I hadn't got help I wouldn't be able to talk to you now and remind you how important you are. :) xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am pretty sure near the end of her life my nan got depression. My dad's response was something along the lines of "I don't know why she's not eating and always sad, she should just snap out of it". I really wanted to shout at him for that, but as usual kept quiet.

    My point is, I don't know if that is a generation thing- after all mental health used to have (still has?) so much stigma attached to it. I don't know if it could be due to that, and a lack of understanding about mental health issues.

    Do you think your auntie would find some sort of information sheet about depression useful to read? Maybe something like this (from Mind).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for comments.
    And the reason that makes it worse is she has been through depresion her self but thinks that I should snap out of mine because everything I am got depressed about in the first place is in the past and she has No idea wat I am going through right now I just dont know what to think anymore x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for comments.
    And the reason that makes it worse is she has been through depresion her self but thinks that I should snap out of mine because everything I am got depressed about in the first place is in the past and she has No idea wat I am going through right now I just dont know what to think anymore x

    Depression is an illness that is not dependent on proximity to any one single trigger, but in my experience those who have recovered often forget how debilitating it is and can be the harshest critics of others.
  • ReenaReena Posts: 1,375 Wise Owl
    piccolo wrote: »
    Depression is an illness that is not dependent on proximity to any one single trigger, but in my experience those who have recovered often forget how debilitating it is and can be the harshest critics of others.

    I think my depression made me rethink about others and their feelings, it's a shame if your auntie has become one of the critics piccolo mentioned, but you have plenty of support here. xx
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