If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Essential support for under 25s
Essential support for under 25s
Take a look around and enjoy reading the discussions. If you'd like to join in, it's really easy to register and then you'll be able to post. If you'd like to learn what this place is all about, head here.
Comments
:thumb: Good to know! Don't want to bore them though...I'm sure a couple of sessions of counselling will put me straight again...If it doesn't...well I only have one other alternative and I am trying desperately hard not to contemplate it at the moment...
I know a few chaplains very well - don't think you're at any risk of boring them. There tends to be a small group of chaplaincy due hards who practically live there so anyone else is an exciting change.
*hug*
Sometimes it takes a while to find a good one. xx *hug*
I have my initial assessment thing tomorrow...
Whether you are ok or not we are here
Thanks *hug*
In all honesty? I feel like I don't even know how or why I'm actually still here...I have this overwhelming feeling of freedom at the thought of not being here anymore and how I'm ok at that prospect...
I think I know what you mean. I mean I don't exactly. But at some of my darker periods I've had that feeling of 'freedom' at fantasizing about everything just being... gone.. and peaceful. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong or bad.. just that you have a lot on your plate. *hug*
A colleague died today...blahhhh
Also, I had to fill in a CORE questionnaire at the start and it quite openly said on there about suicidal feelings, etc...she asked me if I had, had any thoughts of it...I explained then said I had gone into counselling to prevent me doing something stupid and her only response was "well I hope you wouldn't do anything". Considering how I answered that question on the form, I know the first thing my previous counsellor would have addressed was that issue, how much detail I had gone into; e.g. if I had planned it, etc, brief reasons for my feelings (for us to explore later), etc...and she would not have let me leave that session until she was 100% certain I wouldn't do anything...
Also, she interrupted every sentence...she talked more about how she thought I felt, than I spoke about how I was really feeling. If I went to say something and then stopped she would respond with "what?" in a tone of voice that basically said "just say it because I haven't got all day".
So I guess to sum it up...intentional or not she made me feel like she was pitying me...I don't want that or sympathy...just a little bit of empathy and understanding but so that it is to keep me focused on how I feel so I can address the real issues. I also expect them to make me feel like they care even if they really don't...to hear how strong those feelings were and then just to respond with what she did and then change the conversation was not caring. I also expect someone to try and build rapport initially...she didn't and then when i said I didn't wish to continue because I felt uncomfortable and that it takes me a while to build trust she said she could see that...if that was the case then why not take a step back initially and give me that little bit of time to do so.
I know I can't compare her to my initial counsellor but from a lot of things I've read, it is important to find one who you work well with and who you get on with from a professional point of view. I'm not denying the hiccups that we had and I can think of 2 big ones off the top of my head already; however, she was understanding, caring and came across as being genuinely interested in trying to help me. Also, we were friendly but not in a "friends" way...for instance; talking to her (eventually - 3 or 4 sessions in) gave me a sense that I was talking to someone who I had known for a long time and I could really trust and I knew wanted to help me. Although it took those few sessions to reach that point, from the start I clicked with her and reflecting back on the initial assessment I had with her, she knew I was uncomfortable and was struggling to talk about things and kept the session to 30 mins and explained she wanted to ease me in...she also kept asking how I felt about the session all the way through and did so in the first few because she knew I was feeling anxious, etc...this one didn't...she went straight in for as many details as possible and made me feel uncomfortable and patronised.
Also, she was asking me details which again, weren't relevant to the circumstances and my first counsellor never asked them and managed to help me without those details...it was information I was really uncomfortable with giving out to her. Similar to the assessment I had soon after I finished at the uni one with a local charity - I don't remember if it was you I told - she asked questions I didn't want to answer and this was exactly the same.
Maybe I'm being fussy but I couldn't work with her...I left feeling more tense than when I went in!
It's not going to be easy, and you're going to have to face questions you don't like if you want to make progress. You've been having a rough time recently, clearly looking after yourself isn't really working that well right now.
You're dealing with bereavement, which is dead common, if you'll excuse the pun. Yes, the fact it was suicide complicates it, but the main thing you need to work through is grief and the anger associated with it and this counsellor will have had plenty of experience.
You may be right and this isn't going to work at all - but think hard.
I am more than happy to answer questions that will make me focus on things I don't particularly like, I did so last time; these were irrelevant questions...they had no link to anything we discussed. I also had to talk about uncomfortable things that were relevant in todays session and did so willingly knowing it had a point/purpose even if I didn't like doing so.
Also, I didn't think counsellors were supposed to "agree/disagree" as stated in the agreement I signed beforehand...I lost count of how many times she did just that...and although she was agreeing with me...I felt it was unprofessional. Plus a whole load of other things that I don't have the energy to write.
It didn't work out...If Cruse ring me then thats great...if the uni contact me again and tell me my previous counsellor has returned then thats also great...but I can't keep putting myself in vulnerable situations that end up making me feel worse (for all the wrong reasons) because I can't deal with it. Also, why waste 8 sessions with someone I don't feel I would benefit from when I could use those sessions later on with someone I will benefit from.
Been a while since we heard from you, thought I'd check in. How's things?
Thanks for the message...hope your ok?
Nothing much new...I accidentally missed a call from Cruse today...I have phoned them back and left a message but I know from previous contact with them I have to wait for them to ring me.
Still struggling with the suicidal feelings and been pretty much cutting myself off from everyone...which I know is not a good thing and is definitely not helping but I don't know what else to do anymore.
Have been debating whether to inform uni of my personal circumstances but haven't made a decision on it yet.
Sent a couple of emails to Samaritans just to offload some of the things that have been going on at home recently, in an attempt to get it out my system...especially as I thought that might help stop some of the suicidal thoughts...It helped temporarily.
To answer your question honestly, I don't know anymore..I'm just feeling angry, guilt-ridden, bordering-depressed and I just don't like me very much at the moment.
WL xx
Aye, am doing well thank you
Good to know that you're still on the radar at Cruse. Fingers crossed that they get back to you soon.
Okay, so you're aware that it's not a good thing, so why are you doing it? There are other options - why do you think you don't know what else to do anymore? Are you still using those links I sent you previously? Have you managed to get into anything like meditation and whether that helps?
I would inform university, even if you don't ask them to make any adjustments, it is a good idea to let them know. Have you someone you identify with there that you could talk to?
Even a temporary help is a good one. Keep on with the baby steps.
Why don't you like yourself hon?
I do it because I'm tired of getting hurt...if I'm not close to people then they can't hurt me and vice versa...especially with how angry I feel at the moment. No meditation stuff but I was learning yoga on the wii...
As my course is all online now I don't have any face-to-face time with the uni...I can make an appointment with our Programme Co-ordinator but I don't know how helpful they would be. I did draft an email but I couldn't make it make sense so I gave up with it.
I can't describe it...I'm just not the same outgoing, bubbly, enthusiastic, driven person I was before...I don't like this person that I've become - especially the angry/depressed/suicidal feelings that are just really overwhelming and I don't know what to do with them.