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I kissed my boyfriend's friend, please help

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Really need some advice, it's quite hard to explain so I hope people can understand!

I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 20, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend over a year now and we live together. Before we got together I was in a terrible 4 year relationship where i was constantly made to feel awful about myself. My ex was controlling, abusive, and a very jealous person. One night he acted very aggressive towards me and i walked out scared, my mind was all over the place and i ended up being very foolish and met my close friend and slept with him. (not my current boyfriend) My ex found out and gave me even more endless abuse. I knew i had done wrong and I felt even more awful about myself. My current boyfriend supported me all the way through it and i finally had the courage to end it with my ex. I am now happier than ever with my current boyfriend who treats me right.

However, a few months back we hit a rough patch for about a week where we argued a lot (he was in no way abusive or aggressive like my ex was) and i didn't know how i felt. At the same time I would talk to our friend John (he isn't they guy i slept with when i was with my ex) about it. He had been acting strange with me while texting etc, and was suddenly being flirty. I took this a joke at first and thought nothing of it. Then one day he said that he liked me. I didn't know how to take this, so tried to ignore this. Day after day he would send me flattering messages and because I wasn't great with my boyfriend they slowly got to me and made me happy, but also very confused as feelings started to grow for John.

One night me and my boyfriend were at the pub with John and a few other friends. My boyfriend decided he to go clubbing, i didn't really feel like it and John didn't either. I was really drunk and my boyfriend told me he would meet me back at home and told John to stay with me. It ended up being just me and John left at the pub. The pub was closing and We agreed to walk back to his house as he lived round the corner to call a taxi. While we was walking John suddenly grabbed me and started kissing me. I was pulling away drunkenly and carried on walking. When we got in his house He kissed me again, but this time i kissed back. In my drunken state i really didn't know what i was doing. He hinted at sex and tried to take my clothes off but at that point i realized what was happening and said no. I asked him to call a taxi and I left.

My head was all over the place and I was full of emotions. I knew what had happened and that I had done wrong, but still kinda had feelings for John and my boyfriend. John the next day sent a message opologised for what happened and that he felt bad. HE felt bad!? he said he just wanted to forget it ever happened cos he didn't want to hurt his friend (my boyfriend). I spoke to my boyfriend and let him know how I felt, and he opologised and said he would do anything to make our relationship better.

Ever since our relationship has been better than ever, and he is still friends with John. However, deep down I am still very confused. Inside I feel sick, angry and distraught. I wish that night never happened, I would do anything to go back to that night to stop it happening. I hate John more than ever, and I have to pretend I like him when all i want to do is hit him, because i know he isn't a true friend. I try not to think about what happened, but i am so full of guilt I don't know what to do. I really hate myself for this. I am easily led when vulnerable and he took advantage.

What messes up my mind even more is that not long after it happened i turned to my girl friend and told her what happened, and she was shocked, but I think she understood. But now we have broke friends, and im scared she will tell my boyfriend because she is the only person that knows.

Everytime I'm sad or alone thinking i remember what happened and it kills me inside. I don't know whether to tell my boyfriend what happened, or whether it will destroy our relationship. I would feel like killing myself if i lost him, as hes the best thing thats ever happened to me. I feel so disgusted with myself. I know i'm not a bad person, i made a terrible mistake.

please can i have some advice on what to do?

Comments

  • Annaarrr!!Annaarrr!! Posts: 876 Part of The Mix Family
    I think unless you're going to tell him, stop worrying about it. You should tell him because it is really the right thing to do, but it seems like it was a while ago, everything has been fine since and it means your friend would also get into shit.
  • ReenaReena Posts: 1,375 Wise Owl
    Its a difficult situation. You don't want to hurt anyone including yourself.
    The only way to get rid of the guilt, may be to tell him, I can't think of another way. It would be better coming from you, than someone else, because your not only being honest, but you can make your boyfriend fully aware of what happened that night, rather than him get the story in bits and pieces.
    As for the guy John, ignore any texts and flirty advances from now on. It may need to be said to your boyfriend about his behavior, so he knows you don't feel comfortable around him. But can tolerate him for your boyfriend's sake? You can add that if you don't want him to feel like he has to end his friendship.
    If it was a mistake and your boyfriend is as great as you say, maybe he will understand and forgive. Its not like you slept with him. You haven't done something that can't be forgiven. However if you do tell him he may need some time to come to terms with it before he can forgive.
    Like I said, not easy. It depends on the kind of person he is.
    In the end only you can decide what's best, to keep quiet and maybe the guilt will go away in time, (but what if John tries something again?) Or tell him and get everything in the open and hope for the best.
    Its really only something you can answer, but I hope this has helped. Best of luck hun. xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there cherrykisses,

    Welcome to the boards :wave:

    This is clearly a very hard situation for you. It's completely normal for you to feel confused, upset, frustrated and angry, especially if you still have to see John and pretend nothing happened.

    It seems like you were aware that kissing John was a bad idea and you started to notice he was flirting with you, but somehow in this drunken blurry moment you let go. Have you thought about what this could mean for you? There are many different reason why some people could be unfaithful such as insecurity or fear of commitment - perhaps it could be worth thinking about why you think this unfortunate situation happened?

    It's possible that the way your ex treated you has affected you in this next relationship - Have you been able to speak to friends and family about this? This could help in order to deal with what happened and maybe gradually move forwards?
    If you think this could be a factor perhaps opening up to your boyfriend about it could help.

    Do let us know how you get on *hug* and remember this is your decision :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I seem to remember a similar situation to another poster a while ago, though I can't find the actual thread. Essentially this girl had cheated, and was feeling terrible, and thought that telling her boyfriend would absolve her of this guilt. Most of the advice was not to tell actually - that the girl should deal with what she'd done, and not try to pass it on to others etc. There was some good advice in that thread, it's a pity I can't find it.

    Are you sure you don't want to tell your boyfriend to make yourself feel better? Yes, I completely agree that John shouldn't have made those advances, but was he the only one in the wrong? You said yourself in the comment about the day after that you'd realised you'd done wrong, but then following on from that it your focus seems to be on John and his indiscretions, not your own. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, because I don't mean it to be.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you so much for the replies, I appreciate it so much and it's helped me a lot as I haven't really spoken to anyone about it except my girl friend. I'm still thinking about what to do, as my girl mate is being really nasty to me atm and i'm still scared shes going to tell him out of spite. My boyfriend has said he will always be by my side whatever she says as he isn't fond of her either but i'm not sure. In my heart telling him is the right thing to do, however i just don't want to ruin the best relationship i've ever had. In some cases I might of already done that, and it hurts. I just want him to understand, which i'm hoping he would. The problem is he talks to John on a regular basis and cos it was quite a while ago he will be confused and upset, I'm not sure how he will feel after i tell him. I know it was just a kiss and a drunken one which will NOT happen again, if he said the same to me i would be a bit upset at first but i would understand over time. I hope it's the same way with him.
  • ReenaReena Posts: 1,375 Wise Owl
    Hope everything turns out well for you. xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    But will it do worse than it would good? i really don't want to lose him :banghead:
  • ReenaReena Posts: 1,375 Wise Owl
    But will it do worse than it would good? i really don't want to lose him :banghead:

    You may end up losing him anyway with all the guilt you're feeling. It's something that no one else can tell you what to do. If you feel its best to keep quiet and can get passed what you're feeling now then its up to you.
    Personally, I go by the philosophy that honesty is the best policy. But then again no one would be crazy enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me, so I won't be having that problem. (:
    You have to think what would he want. How would he feel if he did find out somehow? Is he the kind of person to throw everything away on one mistake? It's really hard to answer, I can only go on what I would do. Sorry if I haven't been much help. :heart:
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