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Devastated and in shock, need help
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi
I am a newbie and I am sorry I'm leaping in without introducing myself but I have been looking for somewhere anonymous to discuss this as I am in shock, devastated and, as my username says: confused Apologies for long post.
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years, living together for one year, all seems ok although the sex life isn't exactly sparkling. From time to time we've dabbled with videoing ourselves but it was (as he insisted and I believed) completely private. I am sure you can guess where this is going.
He hasn't made a secret of his email password and he asks me to access it occasionally if I need info, e.g. email receipts. He is at work all day today and I had to check something this morning - I ended up seeing an email from what looked like an adult site saying he had new mail. Curiosity got the better of me and I opened it - it wasn't spam as I'd hoped, he is a member: it was addressed to his username and a reminder of his password was at the bottom.
Needless to say, I couldn't help myself and it started a three hour frantic investigation of that site, other emails from a variety of adult/dating sites and all with evidence that he has been active on them since we have been together. I read some of the emails on one site, where he has been posting for five years: videos of him having sex with three of his exes, and emails back and forth between him and other site members exchanging pics and photos, including some of me :mad:
There was so much more - I know I should have stopped when it was obvious what I was seeing but I kept torturing myself learning more and more, clues that he was cheating on his last girlfriend and possibly even me. He's very definitely engaging in online flirtation and sex chat behind my back, as recently as two months ago. Comments he's made about me to other users, a total unripping of the lies he's told me about his previous sex life (ok, he wouldn't necessarily have admitted to this, but the way he has talked about his sex life with his exes is clearly a crock of s**t!)
I am still in shock I think, been crying on and off, pacing around and thinking how I am going to start confronting him. I'd already planned to go and stay with my family for a few days, leaving tomorrow, so that will give me head space, but I can't talk to anyone I know about this!!
((
Please please help, even if just to snap me out of the shock. He'll be back from work in 3 1/2 hours and I have no idea how I am going to deal with him.
Thanks for reading, sorry for long whinge.
I am a newbie and I am sorry I'm leaping in without introducing myself but I have been looking for somewhere anonymous to discuss this as I am in shock, devastated and, as my username says: confused Apologies for long post.
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years, living together for one year, all seems ok although the sex life isn't exactly sparkling. From time to time we've dabbled with videoing ourselves but it was (as he insisted and I believed) completely private. I am sure you can guess where this is going.
He hasn't made a secret of his email password and he asks me to access it occasionally if I need info, e.g. email receipts. He is at work all day today and I had to check something this morning - I ended up seeing an email from what looked like an adult site saying he had new mail. Curiosity got the better of me and I opened it - it wasn't spam as I'd hoped, he is a member: it was addressed to his username and a reminder of his password was at the bottom.
Needless to say, I couldn't help myself and it started a three hour frantic investigation of that site, other emails from a variety of adult/dating sites and all with evidence that he has been active on them since we have been together. I read some of the emails on one site, where he has been posting for five years: videos of him having sex with three of his exes, and emails back and forth between him and other site members exchanging pics and photos, including some of me :mad:
There was so much more - I know I should have stopped when it was obvious what I was seeing but I kept torturing myself learning more and more, clues that he was cheating on his last girlfriend and possibly even me. He's very definitely engaging in online flirtation and sex chat behind my back, as recently as two months ago. Comments he's made about me to other users, a total unripping of the lies he's told me about his previous sex life (ok, he wouldn't necessarily have admitted to this, but the way he has talked about his sex life with his exes is clearly a crock of s**t!)
I am still in shock I think, been crying on and off, pacing around and thinking how I am going to start confronting him. I'd already planned to go and stay with my family for a few days, leaving tomorrow, so that will give me head space, but I can't talk to anyone I know about this!!
((Please please help, even if just to snap me out of the shock. He'll be back from work in 3 1/2 hours and I have no idea how I am going to deal with him.
Thanks for reading, sorry for long whinge.
0
Comments
Dump him (obviously) and make sure everyone he knows (and even people he doesn't) know exactly what he's done both to you and in the past. He deserves to have his life made as hellish as possible!
I think all you can do is dump him of course how could you ever trust him again, but also make him take the videos down threaten him with the police or that you will make sure his ex's and all his family and friends know what he is doing.
Good luck with this i hope you manage to move on and put it behind you
As others have said, betrayal is an understatement.
Welcome to the boards :wave:
After what you found out its completely understandable for you to feel shocked, upset and betrayed.
Have you been able to speak to him since you posted? It's normal for you to feel so hurt by this, do you have friends and family that can support you? If you feel like talking to someone confidentially and anonymously, calling Samaritans can help.
If you feel you want to go to the police and get advice about what actions could be done, or whether there are any actions you can do, then do so. Perhaps you could make sure he takes them off at least.
Do let us know how you get on *hug*
Thanks for everyone's kind comments. I am still staying with my family, going home late tonight. Here's what's happened so far:
I just shut down after typing the post and went through to the bedroom with a load of binbags, throwing all his stuff in. When he got in from work I calmly told him what I knew and chucked his bags out of the front door. He was shocked, denied it, wanted to talk about it and insisted I see his Facebook emails to show how dedicated he was! I knew what was on there already (a picture sent from a woman off the video site with her boob hanging out and a reply from him saying 'I'd like a bit of that') and he tried his best to protest innocence ('I was drunk' :yawn: ) but the evidence was clear.
He also insisted that he never posted videos of us on the internet and to be fair, there weren't actually any of me on that site, but it really read in his emails as if he had exchanged stuff with people. I don't know, I can't prove it either way and he's gonna try to retain as much damage limitation as possible isn't he?
He wasn't going without a fight so I told him he could stay in the spare room that night and because I was leaving the next day we may or may not talk on my return. He deleted his account in front of me - I told him he could put his reason for leaving as 'lied to my girlfriend') and he also deleted any woman off his FB account who didn't need to be there, e.g. boob girl and his exes. Since I've been away I've not really thought about it, I am still numb to be honest. He's been in touch a bit, really wants to make it work, 'will do anything'. The trust is shattered, I feel like I want to make him pay and I feel cold at the thought of any physical contact with him. For me, the only thing I am prepared to consider is couples counselling. It might work, I might just keep on getting angry and finally decide I cannot get over it. At the moment, the flashbacks of the images and words I saw on Saturday still make me feel sick.
I can't face going to the police, as someone said, it would just be more stress and humiliation. It's never been my style to cause a scene and yell at people, I was cheated on once before and quietly dumped him without every looking back. This is harder, I truly love this man and we live together. But the way I feel at the moment makes it impossible to think of a way forward.
Thanks for letting us know how you're getting on. It sounds like you're still in shock - which is totally understandable considering everything that's going on. Try not to rush yourself to come to terms with what happened, it will sink in in its own time. It's great that you've surrounded yourself with your family and people who love you while you work things through.
It might not be wise to make any big decisions about what to do about your relationship until you've come to terms with the shock. You say you still feel numb and that it's impossible to think of a way forward and - again - really take your time here. Don't feel rushed by your boyfriend, your family, or your living arrangements. Try and do what's right for you right now.
You mentioned couples therapy which is something you can explore when you're able to - if, of course, you want to. As well as offering counselling, Relate also have a really great website. I'm linking you to the 'common problems' section which touches here and there on some of what's happened to you - particularly the 'internet and our relationship' part.
It might also be helpful to write about everything you're feeling and what your fears are. You can either do this anonymously, on the boards here, if you want to know for certain someone is listening and cares. Or you can just get it out on a piece of paper, for yourself. Or both. The act of writing can be very calming and could help get your jumbled thoughts together.
Do take care of yourself and let us know how you're doing. TheSite boards are here whenever you need them.
More big hugs *hug**hug*
Holly
Move on and find someone that WILL NEVER do this to you.
Him being sorry just wont cut it. EVER.
People will only treat you how you allow them to treat you.
Dont let him think that this is okay by going back to him.
EDIT: Sorry if I sound extreme its just... have been through something similar (not as bad though) and it killed me inside.
I tried to make it work with the chap and over the months we tried, it was just pain and upset.
In the end we broke up. I wished I had just ended it and saved the dragging months of pain.