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Employers and self harm scars

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hiya.

I self harmed for a few years, and am now left with a fair amount of scarring.

I'm becoming an au pair this september, and I'm fairly certain that the family I am living with and working for will see my arms at some point. I'd say it's almost inevitable. I'm worried that once they find out, they will decide that I'm not suitable to care for their kids, and fire me straight off. How can I explain to them what happened in a way that will make it ok and will make them believe me that I'm not going to off myself whilst babysitting? I don't want to get thrown out of my first proper job because of things I did more than a year ago.

Eta it's in France. I don't know if there's some kind of 'culture difference' or something.

Eta a bit more. Now I have a reason not to self harm, I'm not going to. So I wouldn't be lying if I said it wasn't a problem for me any more.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey sunday

    Firstly, welcome to TheSite :wave:

    It's understandable that your are feeling anxious about the situation arising. Even reading up on others stories online have thrown some mixed responses, with some employers having a positive reaction and others negative.

    I guess it all comes down to the individual in question as well as how you choose to approach the subject if it is brought up.

    Whilst not directly related, the 'Confiding in Someone' section here on TheSite has some great tips around opening up and tackling the subject. The sections on 'using your instincts' and 'dealing with peoples responses' would be worthwhile checking out, for some reassurance if nothing else.

    http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/selfharm/confidinginsomeone

    As they suggest, using your instinct is important when disclosing. Whilst you can't fully anticipate the individuals reaction, most people are genuinely empathetic and may have known someone who has been through a similar experience.

    The important thing is to safeguard your own well-being when disclosing for the first time as that is the most important thing.

    Let us know what you think about the link above.

    Cheers
    Phil :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for replying! I've looked at the article, but it seems to mainly be for people that need help. I don't want to be helped, I want to reassure them that I am safe, and that their children are safe around me. I could completely understand if they fired me in favour of somebody 'normal' but I really don't want that to happen!
    I'm also a bit worried that I don't have the ability to explain what happened, and so on, in French, and I'm aware it might come across like I'm incapable and lying.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would have thought most British people would be too embarrassed to ask.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote: »
    I would have thought most British people would be too embarrassed to ask.

    in my experience this is absolutely not the case. if they see then they will ask, and it's quite likely that the penny won't drop that it's actually from self-harm, because most people have never encountered it before.

    in the past i've tried to not let people at work see but i am a sleeve-roller and do it without thinking. often i've drawn more attention to myself by being the one wearing a cardigan when no one else does. loads of people have made comments and i've dealt with it by just telling the truth. ironically, my only employers so far who have made a big song and dance about it have been the nhs. if i was in your situation i would tell the family that you have some scarring on your arms (you don't necessarily have to say why) and that you will keep them covered if they would prefer. if they don't mind your scars showing then you can tell the children anything (i had a nasty cat/an accident/ fell in a bush) and they'll believe it. you don't need to enter into a discussion about your health with the family, and you don't need to tell them anything that you don't want to.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if i was in your situation i would tell the family that you have some scarring on your arms (you don't necessarily have to say why) and that you will keep them covered if they would prefer. if they don't mind your scars showing then you can tell the children anything (i had a nasty cat/an accident/ fell in a bush) and they'll believe it. you don't need to enter into a discussion about your health with the family, and you don't need to tell them anything that you don't want to.

    agree with omg. I don't think you necessarily need to elaborate any more than 'I have scars'. I have pretty bad ones on my arms and the tiniest minority of people that point it out I can tell that clearly don't suss that they're self harm scars and are just curious.

    Have had kids point it out though and ask and I use the ole' 'i have a very naughty kitten who scratched my arm' story. Then I start talking about our cat and how naughty she is. It's good to have a story in place just incase their children do ask because they never seem to hold back!

    Congrats about the au pair job too!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »
    in my experience this is absolutely not the case. if they see then they will ask, and it's quite likely that the penny won't drop that it's actually from self-harm, because most people have never encountered it before.

    :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you everybody!

    So do you think I should bring it up myself, before they do? Or just wait until they see? Because I thought it would be better if they got to know me well as a person, and as a caregiver for the kids and so on, before they found out. Otherwise I think I'd risk the scars on my arms becoming one of my 'defining features', in their opinion.

    This is worrying me more than the fact that I'm about to go and live in a stranger's house!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sunday wrote: »
    Thank you everybody!

    So do you think I should bring it up myself, before they do? Or just wait until they see? Because I thought it would be better if they got to know me well as a person, and as a caregiver for the kids and so on, before they found out. Otherwise I think I'd risk the scars on my arms becoming one of my 'defining features', in their opinion.

    This is worrying me more than the fact that I'm about to go and live in a stranger's house!

    based on past experiences i would tell them before they ask, because that avoids you being put on the spot and having to think of something to say. you could say it quite casually as a 'by the way...' before you start and you don't have to show them when you say it. and if you leave it until they ask they might have blown it up out of proportion between themselves before asking and that would be harder to cope with.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »
    based on past experiences i would tell them before they ask, because that avoids you being put on the spot and having to think of something to say. you could say it quite casually as a 'by the way...' before you start and you don't have to show them when you say it. and if you leave it until they ask they might have blown it up out of proportion between themselves before asking and that would be harder to cope with.


    yeah I agree with this. Also, in my experience people ask from ignorance and genuinely don't understand when they see them. You absolutely don't have to explain the scars to your employer but preparing them will probably make your life easier.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm scared of telling them! I know I wouldn't even think of mentioning scars if I'd got them from an accident, so wouldn't it be a bit weird to tell them?

    So maybe I should wait until an actual opportunity to tell the parents, like going swimming or something?

    So I can say something like, 'oh I have a bit of scarring on my arms'

    But then they say 'oh where's it from?' and what do I say? I'm fairly sure my arms look exactly like what they are, so if I said I had an accident when I was younger, I doubt they'd believe me.

    If I do as you've suggested, and tell them before they have an opportunity to see, how would I be able to not tell them where my scars are from? I don't think lying's a good idea.

    Thank you for all your help :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Also I'm aware that I'm asking questions that kind of seem like going over the same thing again and again, but I just want to get it straight and certain in my head before I do or say anything inappropriate.

    My sister said that it's no big deal and that I'm getting het up about nothing, but I don't agree. Do you think I'm overestimating the size of the problem?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sunday wrote: »
    My sister said that it's no big deal and that I'm getting het up about nothing, but I don't agree. Do you think I'm overestimating the size of the problem?

    People say that ot me and I find it hard to accept. I guess what that means is that it will always seem bigger to us than it is to others? The truth is probably the midpoint between the two.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sunday wrote: »
    I'm scared of telling them! I know I wouldn't even think of mentioning scars if I'd got them from an accident, so wouldn't it be a bit weird to tell them?

    So maybe I should wait until an actual opportunity to tell the parents, like going swimming or something?

    So I can say something like, 'oh I have a bit of scarring on my arms'

    But then they say 'oh where's it from?' and what do I say? I'm fairly sure my arms look exactly like what they are, so if I said I had an accident when I was younger, I doubt they'd believe me.

    If I do as you've suggested, and tell them before they have an opportunity to see, how would I be able to not tell them where my scars are from? I don't think lying's a good idea.

    Thank you for all your help :heart:

    some people might mention scars from an accident or an operation or something, especially if they are severe. if you say 'just so you are aware, i have some scarring on my arms' and they ask you what happened, the chances are that they will realise the truth before you've even had to say it (this happened to me once mid-way through my cat story). but if they don't, you could say something like 'i've been through some difficult times and took it out on myself, but it's in the past now' or simply 'i used to self-harm but i don't anymore'. you have to accept that they might want to discuss it with you, but if you treat it as nothing to worry about then it will reassure them. if you don't tell them and they notice for themselves then they may well jump to the wrong conclusion and think that you are in the middle of a breakdown. the accident story is more for the children, who have no mute button and will ask just because they can, but equally will take any made-up answer as gospel.

    i don't think you are overestimating the problem from your point of view, because the job means a lot to you and you want it to work out. but as piccolo says, it is probably a much bigger problem in your head than it is in reality, for that very reason.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »
    some people might mention scars from an accident or an operation or something, especially if they are severe. if you say 'just so you are aware, i have some scarring on my arms' and they ask you what happened, the chances are that they will realise the truth before you've even had to say it (this happened to me once mid-way through my cat story). but if they don't, you could say something like 'i've been through some difficult times and took it out on myself, but it's in the past now' or simply 'i used to self-harm but i don't anymore'. you have to accept that they might want to discuss it with you, but if you treat it as nothing to worry about then it will reassure them. if you don't tell them and they notice for themselves then they may well jump to the wrong conclusion and think that you are in the middle of a breakdown. the accident story is more for the children, who have no mute button and will ask just because they can, but equally will take any made-up answer as gospel.

    i don't think you are overestimating the problem from your point of view, because the job means a lot to you and you want it to work out. but as piccolo says, it is probably a much bigger problem in your head than it is in reality, for that very reason.

    Agree with omg_hi.

    I think it'll be more reassuring to the parents if you're open about it and say that it was in the past. They may not have come across self harm at all so may be more curious than anything.

    This post reminds me that my midwife noticed them at my last antenatal appointment when taking some blood and just asked casually 'ooh what happened there?' and I told her that I used to SH in the past but don't now. No further questions asked. I hope your employees are the same.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok. So I'm going to wait a couple of weeks to get established into the family and stuff, unless an opportunity to tell them presents itself before then. And if I said something like

    'I have a bit of scarring on my arm, do you want me to cover it up so the children don't see?'
    And then they say 'yes/no. What's it from?'
    And then I say 'I was bullied a bit when I was 13 and I self harmed for a little while. I regret it a bit now but it's in the past and what's done is done.' (This isn't realllly the truth at all but it sounds less serious than what actually happened)
    And then they say something like 'Ok, thanks for telling me' or 'Get out of my house now you're not safe to look after my children.'

    Does this sound like a reasonable way for things to go?

    Also now I need to find out how to say it in French which is going to be difficult because the word is 'automutilation' and that sounds hideous.
  • plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
    I think you could also use 'se faire du mal'? Sounds a bit less harsh. Good luck with it!
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