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I'm sure you're aware of the grief cycle by now so i don't need to show you it again, but i do want to reassure you that you are in a normal cycle and that this will, eventually, pass. You are allowed to be completely irrational for a period- and whilst there are people dealing with other problems, they are not worse or easier than your problems, so you shouldn't compare yourself to them.
I would question why your family are giving you the impression that it's your fault. Right now, you're probably not in a place mentally where you can look at what they're saying and realise how incorrect they are. You do not 'deserve' to feel like this, but you are experiencing these kinds of feelings and they're all okay. They may not be pleasant, but in a way they're necessary. You know your letters that you were writing to your counsellor? Why not write one to your Dad- and tell him everything.
Your counselling sessions will be designed to facilitate and give you the coping mechanisms to continue dealing with this myriad of feelings. It's unlikely that they will leave you destitute and incapable of coping.
I don't know you well enough on a personal level to be able to list all of the things you have achieved and should be proud of, but I am sure that one of your friends could. Even if you look at what Helen pointed out to you in that other thread about emotional healthiness, that sort of reframing opens up a whole load of things you don't normally notice, but should be proud of.
Keep posting.
I'm not talking close family - it's my Aunties and a Great Uncle and those sort of relatives that are the ones blaming me. I fully appreciate and understand they are grieving and want someone to blame...effectively though they are just displacing their grief onto me....right now I'm not in the right head space to deal with their grief as well as my own. I don't know how to balance it all.
I didn't write a letter to my counsellor in the end...well I had thoughts and things written down but didn't give them to her...I did however write two letters to my Dad and gave them to her to read...it was talking through them that left me feeling like I have been all week. I know its because thats the first real insight she's had into how I really feel, rather than just the objective "I feel angry because..." I guess I left feeling quite vulnerable. I was also asked in my last session to go away and write a letter to myself...I tried but had to stop because within 5 minutes I had managed to write an A4 page on why I needed to get over this and get on with it. It made me feel 10 times worse...which I guess hasn't helped my mood either. Instead, I tried writing down how I've been feeling as and when it's felt overwhelming...this time I will take it with me to show her...I think she should read it.
In terms of achievements...I don't feel quite so self-critical today. I think it was just a lot of misplaced anger...I just don't like where I am right now...not just emotionally with everything thats happened but career and everything else. I know I should use that to motivate me and today I feel like I will and in that respect I am in a much better frame of mind...It's just really hard when it is constant rejection and I'm not in a great place with all the other things going on.
I know that what I feel is considered normal under the circumstances but I don't feel normal and I know people keep saying I'm coping because I still "function" but sometimes I really don't want to get out of bed in the mornings and feeling like that seems to be becoming a more regular thing and to me that isn't coping...for me - that isn't normal.
Sorry...
I don't know if i've mentioned this before, but I think the push for me to go to counselling was one morning when I literally couldn't face getting out of bed. This scared me to death - like you, I wasn't happy with being like that, and it was so abnormal for me, and my status quo. But, it is a natural part of what you're going through, so whilst it may be abnormal to what you usually like and want to be feeling, it's not so odd in the grand sceme of things.
You've hit the nail on the head there with the achievements paragraph. It is really difficult to deal with other big life decisions when you're feeling rough with grief. Are you able to put into place something like doing nice things for you, to help balance your stress levels out? Even if it's just half an hour doing something you really really enjoy.
What strikes me about your discussion of your feelings is that you seem to have this idea that there is a certain way you should be feeling. Feeling like you 'should have gotten over this by now' might not necessarily be helpful to your progress, but it is a valid way of feeling.
It is incredibly unfair of your family to lay blame on you - and frankly, they should know better. If I were to give advice, I'd say to remove yourself from that situation as much as possible, especially when you're not in the headspace to deal with their grief. Avoidance is the most helpful technique here.
How far into your counselling are you now? Please be assured that whilst you do get worse before you get better, you will eventually start to feel better. IMO the main aim of counselling is to give you the tools to deal with what you're feeling independently, so that you can continue the work post-counsellor facilitation. My uni counselling session tended to give you a contract of six counselling sessions, though there were times when I needed an extra one (including walking out of a meditation class in tears and having an emergency counselling session!) and they were flexible. You sound like you are purposefully trying to move forward, rather than just using counselling as a crutch as some people are wont to do, so I would suspect they'd give you that flexibility.
I just feel bad...I know your supporting me...I can never thank any of you enough for the support you have given me...I just don't want you to think I don't appreciate it. I really do appreciate it. I'm just sorry for not being ok I'm sorry for being like this
It's good to know I'm not the only one...in terms of not wanting to get up in the mornings. I kind of feel like people don't understand...they see me functioning and think I'm ok....I don't feel ok...I couldn't feel any less ok
Umm...I go to the gym...I like having that time to myself...I also read a lot for a bit of escapism...I see my friends a lot too but it's not always easy when we are trying to juggle it for when we are all free...
The thoughts around "I should feel like this..." - It's the battle of my head and heart I think....my head says get over it, my heart says I can't...my head is the strong one...so it is my heart that is speaking when I say "I should feel..." - does that make any sense? I've been told to "snap out of it" and other people's reactions when (on the odd occasion) they see I'm struggling also contribute to that...they make me feel I am being irrational...they make me feel I should be over it. My counsellor also pointed out that I say it a lot...she then corrected me by saying that I'm not over it as quickly as I want to be...I'm also never going to "get over it", just "through it" and in time...She has a point...I just wish someone could say...in "x" amount of time you will stop feeling like this. I guess I just feel disappointed in myself for not dealing with it better...I should be able to just get on with it.
I don't speak to them anymore...it upsets me a little as I would liked this to have brought us closer...not driven us apart even more...They have been really selfish about this from the beginning. One even said my Dad would be "ashamed to call me his daughter"...maybe she is right....
From what I can remember I've had an assessment and 4 sessions...I think anyway...maybe 5? One of the main things she has encouraged me to do is write about how I feel...be it in a letter to my Dad or to myself or whatever. It does help getting it all out. I thought that maybe as most students go home for the summer, there wouldn't be a waiting list, in which case they may allow me to have additional sessions just until I can get an appointment with Cruse? It also says on the website that additional sessions may be provided where necessary and advice on where to access longer-term therapy if appropriate. I definitely don't want to go just for the sake of it...I want to go because I know it helps...I know talking about it helps...I just find that difficult in a face-to-face environment...I guess I don't want to break down that barrier. I'm scared of letting someone see that side of me.
There's almost nothing in life that we truly get over. Plenty we get through, that changes us, that shapes our personalities, but very little that we get over.
Once upon a long time ago I was the second to top year of the infant school - and the top year did the nativity play. The following year they changed the divide between infants and juniors by moving it down a year. So the following year the top year (on the new system) did the nativity play. So I never got to be in a school nativity play.
I'm 25 now - I've not got over that. It doesn't dominate my life - but I learnt from it that there are things that aren't fair, because life can never ever be fair and you have to draw a line under them and move on.
(Clearly I'm not trying to compare your dad to me not being in a nativity play)
What are you reading at the moment? Anything good? Have you checked out the book club thread?
I guess I never really thought of it like that...this just seems so massive in comparison to anything else I've had to deal with.
I have just finished "Between the Lines" by Jodi Picoult...now looking for something new. The book "Me Before You" by Jojo Moyes is sat waiting for me to read so may read that one next. I haven't really checked it out properly...I've heard of it but only just started getting back into reading because I've not had the proper concentration...I guess I kind of just want to get my head straight before I committed to anything...definitely on my list of things to get involved with though
I always felt worse after my counselling sessions - I posted in another thread about the kind stranger who gave me a hug when I was desolate in the street at uni. I knew not to plan anything for those nights because I would always be in a god-awful mood, no matter what we'd been discussing.
Are you able to approach your counsellor and practically ask for some aids to coping mechanisms? If it is worrying you enough to make you this stressed about it, broach it with her.
When you say that you feel much worse afterwards, I'm assuming that's immediately, how do you feel a day or two later on, when you've had a chance to process things?
*(am assuming Scary Monster has experienced a similar loss, from what she's posted)
It is hard - luckily for me I've had quite a lot of involvement in bereavement and peer counselling over the years, so I was able to articulate to my friends the feeling of understanding that they may not know the best move to help me, but that just knowing that they did want to help me was enough. It's also really brave of them to approach you about it, and I'm really glad that it's gone positively for you.
How are you feeling about the counselling this morning?
I'm really confused about counselling. I feel like she was getting frustrated with me because she's not getting the reaction she wants. However, after having a really awful morning at work I know I was feeling really stressed out before I got there so I wasn't in the right frame of mind in the first place. I also got wound up when she asked me to write a letter to myself and when I did she told me that what I had written was almost shocking but it wasn't because she understood my point so then I just felt confused. I know I played a part in that session turning out the way it did because of how I felt from work but I just felt there was an expectation from me and when she didn't get the reaction she wanted she got annoyed..
So, do I go back and explain how that session left me or do I just put it down to experience and just go again as if that last session never happened or do I just give up with it? As supportive as my friends are, they aren't necessarily aware of some of the things a trained counsellor is so I'm concerned about just giving up with it.
Sorry, I feel this is a bit garbled, but I hope you get my point!
I'm not really sure as I have nothing to compare her to...I don't dislike her and previous sessions haven't been as bad as this particular one...I'm just not sure...
I was talking to my manager today and I explained to her what had happened and she said that in her experiences if my counsellor feels I'm holding back she should be getting to the root cause as of why...she said based on what I had told her she felt that maybe she wasn't digging deep enough and quite honestly I would agree...the whole letter thing really proved that...she said to me I shouldn't be telling myself to get over it...which is fine because its no different to anyone else telling me the same thing; however, telling me not to do something doesn't get to the bottom of why I'm doing it and I guess I don't feel comfortable going to a session and saying "right this is what I want to talk about" - its always very much led by her.
I don't feel comfortable completely letting go of that front with her...which is a massive blocker when it comes to sessions in general...but then I feel she hasn't necessarily made me feel comfortable enough to do so...
I am finding this really hard to explain but there is just something I'm not comfortable with and I can't quite pick out what it is...She has been generally helpful in most other sessions...Just this one was not so great...
I only have 2 more sessions anyway and then I am either going to Cruse or through another charity that offer counselling to 16-25 year olds - whichever one contacts me first...maybe I might be more comfortable with them?
I found in some of the talking therapies that I didn't always agree with the assumptions that the counsellor was making, but they gave me food for thought to go and process, and sometimes I changed my mind, or I didn't but could see their point and apply it.
I would encourage you to take these points here- even a simple line such as "I'd like to get to the bottom of why I'm doing things, not whether I should or shouldn't be doing them" - and discuss these in the next session. It is okay for you to direct the counselling and get out of it what you need and want.
Also- maybe you did just have a bad session. Much like we sometimes have bad days.
I have taken on board a lot of what she has said in the past and even this week I am trying my hardest to allow myself to be ok with not being ok (if that makes sense!?)...I don't think the bang to the head is doing me much good though as I've had a headache ever since!! Its a good excuse to be irritable though ^_^
I think I will just put it down to a bad session...:yes:
I'd try and tell your counsellor what you've been think after the last session, even print the bits of this thread and give them to her if you think that's going to be easier.
Letting that guard down is really hard, but long term it does help, I promise.
Thinking back to some of the rough ot he's I've had, some of the things that helped the ,sot were also the hardest to do. Staying over At a guy friends house one night, admitting that everything was shit, that I hadn't been eating or sleeping properly and that I wasn't getting any me time to try and deal with anything because I was too tied up with trying to keep everything in life ticking over. That evening he cooked me dinner, something bog standard but had meat and carbs and veg in it. I ate it satbat a table with a knife and fork and a drink. He put my car through the car wash, gave the inside a quick Hoover and cleared out all the rubbish. Curled up on the sofa for a bit, with no need for me to fo anything and then I stayed over, in his bed. Curled up, with tears running down my face at times, hugging a pillow, with a reassuring ATM there, telling me it was ok to cry. Very different to the, there there, don't cry. That night I slept. I slept with a relatively clear head, and the following morning I had breakfast and went back to work.
Dropping my guard was really hard to do, but sometimes it doesn't half pay off.
Incidentally, the next time I saw him was in the pub with a few friends. Mu guard wad back up, because that was how I handled that night, and he played along with that just fine.