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Advice for 44yr old virgin?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi! I chanced upon this site and was looking for advice on sexual matters. I have never been on a date or had sex and have recently been considering visiting an escort (I'm UK based) for a couple of hours and see what develops. What do others think?

This is the hardest thing i have ever had to type ever. Basically i have had comments on being ugly since the age of 14 which is now 30 years and unfortunately it is true. I am very ugly and also have the misfortune to look 20 years younger than my age, which isn't good. In my younger days going to bars and clubs was a joke as i was ignored even when attempting conversations. I haven't visited a bar in 20 years now. I joined a couple of online sites but received no replies....no doubt my photo put people off. So recently i began thinking about visiting an escort in an attempt to experience sex before i die.

I hope to sign up at a gym in the next month or so as well to try and gain some confidence, but even the act of doing that makes me nervous. Is there any other way i can lose my virginity?

Any help appreciated.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've never seen you, so can't say whether or not you'd be attracted to women... But do you think that some of what's stopped you from going on dates is self-esteem?

    Or do you have a disfigurement? Can you relate to people?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Trust me i am not attractive to women. I don't look too good.

    But i have found an escort agency near me and am thinking of going, just a case of plucking up the courage. And they are not cheap. I would need 2 hours to get comfortable with the lady and get used to being there. This is very difficult. At the moment i am 60/40 in favour of going.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Firstly, there are legal implications of using prostitutes, secondly, there are health implications, finally, you may be giving money to an industry which sometimes traffics women.**

    How gutted would you be if you got the clap... Or worse, on your first shag?

    Honestly mate, take it from me... Being attractive isn't just about the way that you look. A great deal of it is confidence. You get people who have lost a limb, or have scarring, or who are not conventionally attractive getting partnered up.

    I'm not saying you can be confident overnight, as it can take time...

    As for online dating, it could be anything which is putting people off. You may not have a very good written profile. You may come across to the women you speak to, like you have low self-esteem.

    Apart from the sex thing, are you generally a happy guy?


    **Disclaimer: I have no issues with the principle of sex work, understand that there's a difference between trafficking and prostitution and by no means intend to portray sex workers as always being victims.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe, instead of thinking about loosing your virginity straight away, you take things slowly. I am no expert but surely going to a prostitute just for sex won't be nearly as good as finding yourself a woman, whom you love and who loves you and then doing it when you feel ready. It may also help your confidence?

    You could join clubs in your local area so you can meet people and do anything you enjoy doing. Is there a sports club? Or a "meet up for drinks" club? Or book club? etc. That way you may get to know women as friends and well, then you could think about taking things further?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm with Namaste. Attractiveness isn't the be all and end all of relationships. I know a bloke who is, quite frankly, off-putting. He does better than anyone i've ever known. It's all about confidence, if you realise that there must be someone out there for you, you'll do better.

    Maybe a change of appearance? New haircut, new clothes e.t.c. might help, make you feel and appear more confident.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    perhaps spend the money on a counsellor instead of a sex-worker? If you lack the confidence to visit an escort it's probably not the right thing for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there rjs68,

    Welcome to the boards :wave:

    Well done for posting how you feel on here, it was clearly hard for you. Just a reminder that this site is mainly aimed for 16-25 year olds, so some content might be less suited to you. Have a look at the Mock Turtle forum that could be more useful.

    Admitting to being a virgin can be hard, and in fact many people don't admit to it. This makes you feel like you're the only one, when in fact there are many people who simply keep quiet about it. Have a look at our article on being the only virgin.

    As mentioned by a few people, is it possible that your self esteem has been an issue (since you were 14 comments were thrown at you) and has gradually affected your confidence around sex and relationships? Is this something you are able to talk to someone about, whether it be a friend, family member or counsellor? Relate can also be a good place to get relationship advice.

    Similarly, as purpledhaze mentioned, meeting new people could help enlarge your circle of possible relationships. Do you currently work and/or socialise? Perhaps volunteering could help you meet people with similar interests.

    Do let us know how you get on :)
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