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Has anyone ever felt like this?

Starry nightStarry night Incredible PosterPosts: 674
Recently I haven't been seeing my friends due to exams and we just haven't met up becuase we're all doing different things.
But, my mother makes me feel bad. I get nervous easily about my friends-whether they are still my friends, have I done something wrong etc and it is something I just about manage to control-and she keeps asking me when I will go out, what I am doing, how my friends are getting on. I feel a pressure to go out. I go out by myself sometimes specifically to stop her nagging.
My grandmother is the same, recently my mother said I hadn't been going out with my friends as much (my father told me they were talking about it) and I felt so ashamed. I always feel like I am dissapointing my family by not being pretty or popular enough.
My mother keeps asking me why I don't have a boyfriend either. Firstly, because of the obvious reasons and secondly because I don't want one. The way it is going I feel like I should just go out and have a boyfriend becuase they bloody want me to and surely that is not the way to live. I want my life to stop being analyzed. I can't see how it could be helping me and I have spoken about it to my mother a few times. Although my father is lovely and I feel he understands it, but recently with my mum....it happened alot in the past also.
Sorry this is really dragging. Does anyone feel the same? Am I just being selfish and childish? What can I do?
Thankyou for reading X

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, can't say I have. I am asked by my uncle (the family comes together rather frequently), if I have a girlfriend almost every time. I don't care. I say no, I don't rrrreally want one. (I kinda do, but whenever I have one, I miss out on my freedoms). Of course there are times I saw my friends less than I do now, but I never felt isolated. Is there a reason you don't stay in touch with them as much? You mother surely has just your best interest at heart and don't want to see you lonely, so she is a bit worried about your seeming isolation. Talk to her about it, and be open about it, because you might find out you actually DO have an issue with the way things run and you just don't want to admit to it.
  • Starry nightStarry night Incredible Poster Posts: 674
    Thanks for your response.
    About a year ago I went through a really weird time with my friends-I became depressed, paranoid(convinced that nobody liked me) and I couldn't speak to anyone, I was too shy and self conscious-I distanced myself fom my friends. My mum kept on at me "Why don't you go out with your friends?" she then worked out that I did'nt have any and kept on and on. I felt so ashamed and like I was a dissapointment.
    Now, becuase of exams etc I haven't been going out as much. In the back of my head when I wrote this I was thinking "It's because they don't like me, of course no one would. Stupid girl." But I can control these thoughts, keep them to myself. Then , my mum keeps asking "Why don't you go out? What's happened to your friends?" making me feel that more worried. I feel I have to go out or I will dissapoint her. Recently I was getting ready for a big weekend-with my makeup and pretty dress on-and she assumed it was for a boy. I said "I like to look good for me" then she gave me a long speech on why she was worried I didn't want a relationship.
    I feel under pressure to have lots of friends, be pretty, have a boyfriend-but that isn't what I want. I've told mum lots of times that I am quiet and I don't want a boyfriend, that I am happy with my friends but she keep asking, making me feel bad.
    Btw, as usual I was just being paranoid about my friends-I'm going out three times this week now, they were just waititng for my last exam...:blush:
    I just don't know what to do or say to her, and am wondering if it's just me...
    Sorry if it's long. Thanks for reading :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I used to hate it when people asked why I didn't have a boyfriend. Now it doesn't really bother me. It's your choice, and if you haven't found the right person, then what's wrong with that? I'm guessing you're still pretty young, so there's plenty of time for all of that! Don't worry or feel pressured because there are TONS of people in the same boat.

    The whole friend situation, I went through a phase where I just decided to not make the effort with mine at one point (because they were bad friends in my opinion). Made some new ones and I see them pretty often. You say that you're paranoid and think people don't like you...I can sort of relate to that, I think some people are just like that. What I would try doing is looking at the evidence. What evidence is there to show that no one likes you? Is there any? If there's not then don't worry about it!
    Every time you feel a negative/paranoid thought come along, tell yourself no, and then think about something else. Because the more you analyse things the more depressed/paranoid/anxious it's going to make you feel. And by recognising these thoughts you can stop them before they make you feel worse.

    Tbh, you're Mum does sound pretty annoying haha. I'd just tell her how you feel. I know it's easier said than done, but she might lay off a bit. Just go out when YOU want to go out, don't feel pressured. You're perfectly fine not going out all the time with friends. Alone time is important and normal.

    Hope this helps.
  • Starry nightStarry night Incredible Poster Posts: 674
    Aaaaaawwwww......thanks for your reply, it was really helpful and made me feel much better. :wave:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It shouldn't matter how many friends you have or how many times you go out. Most people can only count their best friends on one hand.
    Try not to feel bad about it- it's your life, not your mum's or whoever else. There is no wrong or right. do what makes you feel comfortable


    *hug*:heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    GetSexy wrote: »
    Alone time is important and normal.

    :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Recently I haven't been seeing my friends due to exams and we just haven't met up becuase we're all doing different things.
    But, my mother makes me feel bad. I get nervous easily about my friends-whether they are still my friends, have I done something wrong etc and it is something I just about manage to control-and she keeps asking me when I will go out, what I am doing, how my friends are getting on. I feel a pressure to go out. I go out by myself sometimes specifically to stop her nagging.
    My grandmother is the same, recently my mother said I hadn't been going out with my friends as much (my father told me they were talking about it) and I felt so ashamed. I always feel like I am dissapointing my family by not being pretty or popular enough.
    My mother keeps asking me why I don't have a boyfriend either. Firstly, because of the obvious reasons and secondly because I don't want one. The way it is going I feel like I should just go out and have a boyfriend becuase they bloody want me to and surely that is not the way to live. I want my life to stop being analyzed. I can't see how it could be helping me and I have spoken about it to my mother a few times. Although my father is lovely and I feel he understands it, but recently with my mum....it happened alot in the past also.
    Sorry this is really dragging. Does anyone feel the same? Am I just being selfish and childish? What can I do?
    Thankyou for reading X

    Sounds as if your parents might be suffocating you with: "caring".

    They are probably acting from the best of intentions, but perhaps they need to back off and recognise that you are moving into adulthood, and that you need to be allowed the space to live your life as you want to live it.

    Maybe they are also over thinking your behaviour as a product of their parenting - i.e. a lot of parents like to feel reassured about the way they have parented their children, and get paranoid about what their children "should" be doing.

    From your side of things, it sounds as if you are still sensitive to having your strings pulled by your parents (which is only natural if you are a teenager), hence the mixed feelings about their tendency to suffocate you with caring. Try googling with: "Transactional Analysis", and you will find a useful framework for making sense of how you feel when they get into heavy Parent mode.

    If you are in your 40's, then maybe we have to think again!

    Winnicott coined the phrase: "A good enough parent" - as recognition of the limitations on how right any parent can make their parenting, and as a warning to parents who might become neurotic in the pursuit of excellence in parenting. As a parent with grown up children, I've reminded myself of that phrase many times in the past when questioning myself over the best way of handling things.

    I suggest you reassure your parents to the effect that they have done a good job, but now they need to move onto the next chapter, which involves allowing you the space to grow and become a self-reliant adult. They will still need to be there for you when you need them, but in a reactive way, not in a smothering meddling way.

    Whether they will take any notice is another matter - I'm afraid a lot of parents always think they know best.

    When you get a bf they may want to let you know whether they approve of him (whether you want to hear their opinion or not). If they like him, they will probably want to know when you are getting married; if you get married, they may well nag you about having children! Then they may start telling you how you should be bringing up your children - because they know best - of course!

    Hopefully, you won't find this post too depressing! At least you can rest assured that the way your parents are is very common.

    If it starts to get you down, I suggest you read this book:-

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/Im-Ok-Youre-Thomas-Harris/dp/0099552418

    It's a great introduction to relationship dynamics, and I feel sure it will explain a lot of what is going on for you right now, and in the future.

    Jed
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