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Will i ever meet someone?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I look around at alot of people in my life and they seem happy and content. Old friends and family seem to have found someone special and i'm not in a relationship.
Will i ever meet someone who loves me for who i am? I feel so isolated and alone, like i'm not worthy of having a caring relationship. Am i that bad- do i have too much baggage? Is it my self-harm scars?
Advice please!
Will i ever meet someone who loves me for who i am? I feel so isolated and alone, like i'm not worthy of having a caring relationship. Am i that bad- do i have too much baggage? Is it my self-harm scars?
Advice please!
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Not perticulary. And when i have in the past i've been used.
I'm sorry to hear that you've been used when making relationships previously.
But if you protect yourself from the risk of a reoccurrence by not going out, then you're not going meet any of the good guys.
How do you feel about going out while being extra careful about who you get involved with?
Wher would be a good place to start? I don't know how comfortable id feel??
Perhaps a local pub, or a club, basically, anywhere where there are people of your own age.
Having a friend or two along might help with spotting the users early on?
Do you think you might have moved too fast with the guys that used you?
If so, maybe take things slower in future so that you get to know them better?
Jed
The guy i got invovled with was an extremely long friendship. we 'clicked.' but sex ruined all of that even though we were great together he didnt want to commit.
I don't know why but i don't meet people around my age range. If i do, we have nothing incommon or just don't suit.
I definately think in future i'd take it slower. i mean, i thought i knew this guy and, i did, but he just fucked me up.
Is it me??
I was alone for a long time, then I stopped giving a fuck, focused on myself and my own advance in career and athletics and suddenly a girl came along. It's pretty much perfect but we are not in love and she will go home to her home country in three weeks and we will kinda have to split and will probably be alone for some years again but I digress.
I don't know anything about you. I don't know what you look like, I don't know what you do in your leisure time, but everyone is different. I for one am completely turned off by self harm scars, others won't.
I was starting to get on my own nerves with my desire to have a girlfriend and the promises to myself how awesome it would be. I said to myself, I don't need this as a basis for happiness and want to make myself dependent and sad for a desire.
Bottom line: With such a strong desire for partnership you are usually trying to fill a void. but the vacuum that is there, because you lack something in your life will not be filled by a boy-/girlfriend ever. I had to fill the void with my study, studying, learning doing exams, doing progress. The girl is just a bonus and nice to have for diversion and fun and does not replace any other desire (for success, or approval)
Oh my word hun, I have the exact same thoughts every minute of the day!
Just got home from a night out and on the hour or so journey home it was all i could think about. Everybody i know is happy and content and i cant even meet a single person suitable for me after 2.5 years. Also i'd rather start a friendhsip with someone before a relationship so theres that as well.
Ive come to the conclusion that this is it for me now and i will forever remain a single spinster. Now looking at it objectively, im only 22, the likelyhood of that happening is slim. But i know what you mean. Im afraid i dont really have that much advice, just to say you;re definately not the only one who think that way, and just have some confidence about yourself when meeting people.
(easy for me to say, i know, when i dont have any myself but im trying)
I do believe that there is a strong element of the self-fulfilling prophecy going on here?
“Once bitten, twice shy” is a natural enough reaction to relationships that don’t work out, but if you don’t put yourself in situations where you can meet suitable partners, then the prophesy of being ‘un-partnered’ is going to be fulfilled. There will always be risks involved, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, as the saying goes.
There is a good deal of social pressure around re being: ‘an item’, and I think that can make people try too hard, i.e. they jump into relationships, or, when they meet someone they like they try to turn the person into the ‘love of their life’.
I really do believe that the idea of needing to kiss some frogs before meeting the right person for you is a good way to see the search for a soulmate.
Even if you don’t find a soulmate, at least you will have some fun looking.
Who wants to reach the age of 70 and look back and think: “I kept myself so safe that I never got hurt again, but it meant that I missed out on meeting a lot of people that might have been right for me”?
Learn from your mistakes, don’t rush into relationships, and don’t expect your partners to “fix you” if you have personal issues, BUT don’t lock yourself away and miss opportunities to meet people, and at the very least, have some fun.
Some of you are starting to sound as if you are nearer to 70, than 17!!!
It's horrible when someone lets you down, particularly if they betray your trust, because not only does that hurt emotionally, it can also cause you to question your own judgement about people. BUT if that happens to you, then use your mates to talk about how you feel and allow yourself time to recover. The longer the relationship lasted, the longer it might take to get your confidence back and see your ex as history. Jumping into a new relationship straight away can lead to rebound relationships, and make things more difficult in the long-term. So allow yourself time to get going again, and don't start pulling yourself to pieces trying to understand why your ex let you down - it probably says far more about them, than it does about you.
BUT most of all: DON'T GIVE UP! If you keep looking, you will find a suitable partner eventually.
Jed
It's not as if we had sex once and that was it. We were 'seeing' each other over several months.
Maybe i am trying to fill a void?
So glad i'm not alone thinking this!
There are thousands of people who are single, and around half of them will be male. No doubt a lot of them notice that most people are in relationships, and feel that they are the odd ones out.
The thing is Cinders, you will either need to find a Buttons lurking in your front room, or start going out more!
Jed
This is usually the issue. When people say, "Just don't think about it, it will happen eventually." I wanted to give them an acid enema, because fuck, how can you not be preoccupied with something that bothers you. And then I really didn't think about it anymore, because I did other things for myself, filling my void. Ironically it really seems to happen when you finally said, "fuck it. I am good by myself.", but realistically even if it doesn't happen then, you do not care and therefore are not sad by it.
The thought I live by is. I must be completely content and fulfilled with just myself (and friends of course). THEN I am ready for a girlfriend. Seeing a girl as a past time, or therapy, because you are bored or fucked in the head is not going to cure you of boredom or being fucked in the head at all.
/edit: And of course, nothing happens because of fate or magic. When I met my girl I was confident in myself and just walked up to her and pulled her. So not giving a fuck (with being alone in the first place, and at the same time, talking to people of the other sex), is priority#1. I still took matters into my own hands and didn't wait for the luck to fall into my lap.
Ditto, except I've not had a serious relationship for over 4 years now. Same age as you. And in that time people I know have found someone and gotten engaged/moved in together/married. Anyone I meet is only ever after one thing or are using me as a test to see if they're over their ex.
Also, if you are comfortable and secure within yourself, then there is less risk of worrying about the relationship going wrong when you have found a suitable partner. If the worst does happen, then at least you can think that you will get over it given time.
The early stages of romance can provide a big boost to self-esteem, and if someone struggles in that area normally, then when a relationship collapses the loss of the extra input to self-esteem can make the loss feel much harder to bear.
Germaine Greer once said that: "It's no good blaming someone because they stop loving you!"
Blunt as that statement may be, it is a basic truism.
However, if you feel that not only has someone stopped loving you, but that they have also walked away with a huge chunk of your self-esteem, it can be hard to cope with, and generate a lot of resentment towards the ex.
If they've cheated on you, then multiply the upset and sense of loss and anger by a factor of 10.
A period of low mood, possibly with a phase of feeling depressed, can be seen as a natural reaction to the loss of a close relationship. However, during such a phase there is a high risk of getting into destructive self-analysis that involves pulling your-self apart in an attempt to explain why the other person left the relationship.
Recognising anything that you might have done better, and learning from any mistakes is sensible, but getting stuck in negative self-analysis just leads to further lowering of self-esteem and self-confidence.
Also, I would suggest that the opposite of love is indifference, and not hate, and that spending time hating an ex, or feeling angry with them, just serves to keep you stuck in a relationship that no longer exists. Feeling angry is a commonly experienced phase in the grieving process, and is OK, but if someone gets stuck in that phase, then they may not move on as successfully as they might.
If someone finds themselves stuck in the process of letting go of an ex, then the best thing to do is to seek out some relationship counselling.
However, chances are that it’s just taking longer than expected to work through the process of letting go. The longer the relationship ran, the longer it is likely to take to adjust emotionally. Also, when someone has come out of a long-term relationship it can be hard to make the social adjustment, i.e. to find friends who are single; and feeling that you stick out like a “sore thumb” because you are single is all part of that adjustment.
All this can easily feel as if it is a unique experience to you, and there is often an irrational feeling of failure attached to relationship breakdown. The reality is that what can feel so personal, is also universal, and experienced by most people at some point in their lives.
So like you say, when it all starts to feel like a heavy weight bearing down on you, saying “**** it”, and getting on with being your own person is a good way to move on.
Providing people put themselves in situations where they can meet prospective partners, there is a high probability that they will meet someone that is suitable for them, possibly when they are least expecting it.
If they don’t go out, and stay at home “over-thinking” things, then it’s a bit like sitting in front of the TV wondering why there’s no picture when it’s not even plugged in!
ATB
Jed
I agree with this. This is the state of mind im trying to get myself in. Where because you dont really about the outcome of meeting someone, there's no real risk of heartbreak/rejection there, which is my biggest worry