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This is a strange one...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
...I have been with my current partner for roughly, two and a half years. We brought our first house in January. It hasn't been plain sailing in the slightest, little niggles here and there but you have to work at these things otherwise no relationship would work.

However, I think I am about to reach breaking point.

I have arranged to go to the cinema with my sister to watch an american 'teen' comedy, to have a good laugh, shall we say?
This is to the disgust of ones 'better' half - it's full of 'trampy half-naked women'. If I do see it, I am not welcome back into the house (she hasn't a leg to stand on, I half own it).

I keep asking myself the same question; do I really want to be with someone who wishes to dictate to me what I can and cannot watch? No, I do not.
What else will be dictated to me next?

Have I missed the point that she is trying to get across or could I be about to save myself from a life of ruin?!

Advice appreciated.
DH

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What I would say is that maybe the "trampy half-naked women" objection may be masking something else? Are you leaving her alone a lot? Do they get to see their friends/family alone? Are they stressed/lonely?

    Nearly 3 years and a house purchase is probably worth trying to work out what this film issue is.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yup, true. Do you spend time together? Have you ever cheated, or given her any reason not to trust you or make her feel jealous that you're watching other women on screen? (and be honest with yourself) Does she just not want you sending time away from her and why? Best try and get to the root of it before you make any rash decisions
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the replies, much appreciated.
    I suppose the further I look into things the messier it gets. I have never cheated but her previous partner of five years did. I've always felt I get the backlash from that time of her life.
    Any other women is out of the question, I shouldn't blink or breathe in the direction of another woman. And god help me if Cheryl Cole or similar appears on TV, quick, run to the kitchen!! I could possibly understand this kind of reaction at the beginning of a relationship but like Fiend_85 said, it's nearly been 3 years. Is it all down to trust?

    I'll never know the answer because I cannot talk to her about it.

    We have had to move 15 miles away from 'home' due to work commitments. I would say she doesn't see her family as much as she would like. From what I know, the majority of her close friends have moved away from the area completely.

    I've just started thinking about number one for a change, I don't want to sound selfish though. How much unhappiness does one put up with? If only we could measure it!
    At least I will lose a bit of weight through stress thinking about it all!! And it's my birthday on Monday :no:

    As us Great Brits say, stay calm and carry on!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds pretty irrational to me. She is probably not happy with herself and is afraid you are getting enjoyment/kicks/fun elsewhere, which renders her obsolete (in her eyes). I don't really know. I am not good at dealing with that stuff rationally, because I hate crazy and irrational like that. It doesn't even wanna make me go into issue resolving mode.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you need to do two things. The first is start having date nights together. You see each other all the time, so some special time together become more important. Dinner and a film, a romantic walk, bowling, whatever you both like that you can enjoy together. The second thing is talk to her about the trust issue. You're going to look at other women. In fact my girlfriend and I regularly perve together, we love spring, all the flimsy clothes come out and ladies go jogging in inappropriate bras. We know we love each other, so we can have some fun.
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    *Holly**Holly* Deactivated Posts: 140 Helping Hand
    Hey DelicateHeart :wave:

    You say you can't talk to your girlfriend about this - am I allowed to ask why? Communicating as a couple is really important, especially when these sorts of issues arise. Without talking about it, resentments tend to grow and grow and you just get more and more irked. Is there any way you can bring up how you feel in a way that she'll respond to? The article I've linked to above may help give you some pointers. You may find getting everything out in the open and learning about each other's point of view makes everything feel a lot better.

    It sounds like - as well as a couple - your partner may also have some personal issues she needs to work through. It may seem a bit walk-before-you-can-run, but this article about relationship therapy might also be worth a read. It comes from a bit of hetro-relationship bias, but aside from that, there's some good info in there.

    Also, it's not selfish to think about yourself in a relationship - it's healthy. Don't feel bad that you're considering your own personal happiness too because that's really important. Relationships do have a lot of ups and downs and need work but, ultimately, they're supposed to be a postive addition to your life. :)

    Let us know how you get on. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY for Monday! :yippe:

    Take care

    Holly
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Some great comments, thanks.
    *Holly* wrote: »
    You say you can't talk to your girlfriend about this - am I allowed to ask why?

    Sure. I don't know how it happens but she always comes out as being the 'victim'. After any discussion of this nature, the evenings are usually silent and the bedroom is frosty. There is usually a chill the following morning too! Anything for the easy life? Yet, I once told a friend THAT was a poor excuse.
    *Holly* wrote: »
    Is there any way you can bring up how you feel in a way that she'll respond to? The article I've linked to above may help give you some pointers. You may find getting everything out in the open and learning about each other's point of view makes everything feel a lot better.
    I've yet to find that method. I am only supposed to have eyes for her. No fantasies, no humble/banter perving. She has no crushes on any reality/TV/movie star/sports person. Honest.
    *Holly* wrote: »
    Also, it's not selfish to think about yourself in a relationship - it's healthy. Don't feel bad that you're considering your own personal happiness too because that's really important. Relationships do have a lot of ups and downs and need work but, ultimately, they're supposed to be a postive addition to your life. :)
    If/when I get to the stage of staying at work longer rather than going home, I guess I really need to grow a pair and pack my suitcase.

    Great advice and good links. She currently does 'not want to discuss jack!'.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You need to keep pushing on this. I think that you can't end the relationship without really hacking out this issue. She obviously does find people other than you attractive. I don't care if you're ridiculously photogenic guy. Other men, bums, faces, smells, voices are going to turn her head. Unless, she's a fembot of some kind.

    If you have the discussion, which may well end up a fight at some point, and can't resolve it, then maybe this is a deal breaker.

    Like I said, a healthy bit of perving is completely reasonable.
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