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I wonder if I'll be like this in 11 years... (unforgetable first love)
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Miss-My-First-Love/1930
Except for the 'let others influence my decisions' I echo that feeling so much. I wonder what it is about that first love, first romance that buries it so deep that it almost haunts us. I dream about her more than is healthy I'm sure. I haven't spoken to her in a long time... both our lives have moved on massively. I'm ok with that, too.
Just wonder if she'll ever get out of my head or whether she'll always be there, conjuring dreams of what could have been or even just memories.
i will never stop dreaming of her....it never goes away. i had my chance 14 yrs ago, but let others influence my decisions.....life has brought us new partners...and children....i sometimes wonder how many kids we would of had together....i think about how good it would be just to hold her again for a brief moment...and most of all, i wonder if she ever dreams of me.....???
Except for the 'let others influence my decisions' I echo that feeling so much. I wonder what it is about that first love, first romance that buries it so deep that it almost haunts us. I dream about her more than is healthy I'm sure. I haven't spoken to her in a long time... both our lives have moved on massively. I'm ok with that, too.
Just wonder if she'll ever get out of my head or whether she'll always be there, conjuring dreams of what could have been or even just memories.
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I feel absolutely nothing towards my "first love" now. But I've had 2/3 serious long-term relationships since then and I think time/wisdom/age changes things. But there will always be people who I had flings with who I think what if something more had happened. Maybe its different for women?
Then I wake up and I'm just annoyed she's in my head if anything. So I googled it and find threads of people 10, 15 even 20 years still having those same 'dreams' about these special people. I don't think gender defines it, but its probably different for each person and relationship.
I actually find it a terrifying prospect that in 10 years I could still not feel 'comfortable in my own skin' without her and still have those dreams about her. That's a pretty shitty prospect. We had our time and it was great, but its done, and I have moved on and met other people and had a whole different life... so why does some part of my brain feel the need to haunt and remind me on a regular basis of 'WHAT COULD HAVE BEEEEEEEEEEEEN'.
Fuck you, brain.
But yes, I do believe there is something intense and special about first love which can be hard to forget sometimes. In my case it was that my first love would talk a lot about how he couldn't live without me and that was extremely romantic to the me of 10 years ago. My current boyfriend says he wants me to enjoy life as much as him (I have longstanding issues with depression, aspergers) but he actually supports me in going to doctors/psychaitrists appointments etc, he doesn't'bring out' my vulnerabilites as a reason we should stay together. Obviously I don't know the nature of your last relationship, but I guess what I want to say is people change as the years go by, but the desire to share life with someone special doesn't (for most people).
In the past, when there was something that I couldn't stop thinking about (having dreams, thinking about that every day, and this went on for years) I figured out in the end that the reason was that the "story" was missing a proper ending. It couldn't be given one though, so I made one up. I sat down and imagined an ending to it, as if it was happening for real. I didn't force it in any direction, just let it "happen" the way I thought it would if it could. I'm not exaggerating that things changed immediately. Since then, that subject I couldn't stop thinking about doesn't enter my head any more often than other things from the same time and I stopped "longing" for it as well.
Sorry if the above is too vague, I was trying to avoid making this about me. Like I said, it might not apply to your situation or even if it does what I did might not work for you, but it might help...
this morning:
>basically
>we were chatting
>she was telling me about her stuff
>saying she's giong to be trying for a baby soon
>i was like 'oh thats cool'
>then she said
>'will you marry me, by the way?'
>next thing i was awake
>fml
I wouldn't try to put too much into it. The human brain is what it is and important events in your life will stick to it regardless.