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help

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
i want to know why i cant feel any emotions im 41 and ive got 4 kids and split up with my wife of 20yrs 2 yrs ago ive since been in a mental ward and prison im an alcoholic drug user and ive lied to my nurse constantly about my drug use and drink ive also lied to my family and everyone thinks im doing well im not its only a matter of time before i do the deed its planned and everything is in place i hate deciving everyone and thats just making it worse but i dont even care how my kids will feel do i not deserve to die is this not natuaral selection

Comments

  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Boards Champion
    Hey ric,

    It sounds like you're at breaking point and although you say you deserve to die - I'm afraid that's not something I agree with.

    Have you attempted calling the Samaritans about how you're feeling? There's lots of information about how you can contact them here and it's completely confidential. There's no need to lie as you don't owe them anything, they're simply there to listen.

    It sounds like you feel really disconnected from your emotions and perhaps your drug and alcohol use is causing you to feel numb towards your children - maybe it's easier to forget that they're important that way?

    The will to move forward can only come from you - and perhaps you haven't had a chance to fully express yourself in a way that will truly help you. It sounds like you don't feel as if you have anything to lose, so why not give the Samaritans a try?

    Take care.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Ric,

    You sound very unhappy mate. You sound like the rifts within your life have been a challenge for you to cope with. This is not natural selection as you suggest, and this is only my opinion but no one deserves to die. But everyone deserves to be able to ask for support and you have started that process, as hard as it must have been to write your thoughts and feelings here you did it.

    I am 40 I have no kids and no relationships behind me and I feel not ahead of me either. So we are complete opposites. However we are both on this site for the same reason, we don't feel we have a worth here on this world any longer. If you abuse alcohol and drugs that is an illness too, people do not try to self destruct for no reason, and just a guess but would it be in the beginning the alcohol and drugs were a way to cope a bit better or to sleep or to forget. Over time it takes more of this to get the same effect. Addiction is an illness born through difficulties that feel uncopable.

    Maybe a start could be to finding and tackling those feelings you mentioned could be to accept the help for those addictions. You say you have a nurse who you have lied to, you sound very worried you have let your family and friends down. If you can tell your nurse how things really are your family and friends will not be informed. If you can throw out a hearty, 'hey nursey I am really struggling but its sooo hard admitting that' you will have opened the first door. I know how so very hard it is to get the right help at the right time, and sometimes even the professionals there to help seem to drag their feet, but if you don't say they won't know.

    You ask why you don't feel emotions, often the body will close up to protect itself, the mind itself is way more clever in the subconscious than we make it react for us in our conscious actions. Maybe the use of alcohol and drugs was originally a way for you to cope with your emotions which may have been overwhelming and it sounds still are to manage on your own, there is help though, you do not need to do this alone. From what you have said you have people around who do care and love you. Your reaction about your kids is nothing to be ashamed of, from the tone of your words I can tell you love them very much despite everything.

    You sound like you can't work out why it is worth fighting for life, but ric I believe you have a life to recover. If you are still feeling this way and you want help go straight to A+E. Be Safe look forward to hearing from you again, chin up old man!
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