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Sending messages to another girl...[mentions SI, depression]

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    eh? You'd be happy with your 14 year daughter talking to a 20 year old man about sex?

    You are tearing this out of context. Like I pointed out in my first post, they guy is frustrated to no end and vented to her. He didn't come on to her a single time in any way. Yes, maybe he should call a male friend his age when having, among others, sexual problems (if he has some confidant like that, some don't. You probably know that best.), but he didn't. All of a sudden this whole thread spins around the guy being pedophile and it happens in every thread a male adult talks to a teenager and it's becoming so incredibly boring. Everyone! Shelter your kids for every guy is a secret pedophile.
    of course he would, hes 25 and chats to 13 year olds about it

    "A" 13 year old. Just B-A. It is not a habit like you would turn it to be. Not every age gap is essentially the same. I talked to her about it, because she was in a bad spot between ex-boyfriends. I didn't talk to her because she was 13, but because she was a friend in need, who just happened to be thirteen. I can go without your uninformed, imbecile judgement, thanks and the guy in OP's post can too.

    Lol, suzy you are so predictable it's a joke. Like the time in the thread the guy walked with his daughter into the wrong changing room and you'd have liked it best if he was publicly executed. Maybe once when your daughter gets lost in the supermarket and a man brings her to the checkout to have your name called out you rush there to accuse this dirty pedophile of abducting your child. I can picture it. I don't know what your issue is, if your child really got molested once, or maybe you got molested when you were a child, but your draconian attitude that every man is a monster is so sickening. Maybe you start render judgement on people's intentions not on their actions. Could be good.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    All of a sudden this whole thread spins around the guy being pedophile and it happens in every thread a male adult talks to a teenager and it's becoming so incredibly boring.

    I agree with you in that the OP came here looking for advice about her relationship, not to be told her boyfriend is a paedophile.

    But you seriously can't see the flirty nature of that conversation? He started talking about sex (and actually lied about not getting any) and was clearly fishing for a reaction, which he duly got, from a 14 year old, who is probably flattered by the attention from an older man.

    So, assuming he is perfectly innocent, why lie and say he's not getting any sex when he actually is?

    Also, don't let the fact the OP is ill cloud the issue here. How many people would be happy to find out their partner is talking about them like he did? Not many I'd guess, but apparently it's ok because she's difficult to live with.

    They've been together 3 and a half years, i think that classes as a commitment. He doesn't seem all that committed to me :chin:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you couldnt be further from the truth strubble. If you were talking to BA about HER problems that she came to you with, then thats different. This guy was talking to a 14 year old about his own sexual problems, I think theres a big difference. I dont think youre in any way a paedohile from anything youve said, I merely said, i still thought it was innapropriate, and i still think its murky waters, but i know BA is very precocious, so its harder to make a judgement.
    I dont think all men are monsters or predators or any such thing, not even close. I do think that an adult discussing their sex life with a child is dodgy though, and if it was my child, id be concerned, and i cant think of any (decent) parents who wouldnt be.

    I dont ever remember suggesting someone should be executed for going into the wrong changing room???
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *Holly* wrote: »
    Hi there liquid-confidence

    Woah - there are a lot of issues flying round in this thread aren't there? It's obviously a complex situation and therefore it's totally normal you might be feeling overwhelmed and confused.

    On the plus side, there's tons of good advice here.
    Especially this from B-A...



    You say you're obsessing over this discovery, and it may very well be that the only way to resolve it is to have a frank discussion with your boyfriend. You don't have to confess to your snooping, but I think it could be beneficial to talk about how he's coping with your issues. If you don't trust his response, then you might have to fess up about the Facebook snooping, but this is completely up to you. I suggest doing what feels right at the time. You might find this article about self-harm and relationships useful - as well as all the other advice and info on TheSite's self harm section.

    As for feeling betrayed about him talking about his relationship online, it's a tricky one because there are definitely two sides to the argument. :chin:

    It's really common to vent about your relationship to others - and being online can often give you more freedom to discuss things you might not feel brave enough to in person. How, for instance, is you talking about your relationship online that different from him doing so? Do you not think he would be equally hurt if he stumbled across this thread? I'm not saying you're wrong for starting this topic - in fact, it's great you're using TheSite for support :thumb: - but that just might be what he's doing. We would never have any friends or relationships if people knew what was said about them behind their back. So it might just be harmless offloading. Only you and your instinct, or talking it through with him, can ultimately decide that.

    In terms of your general mental health, I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. The waiting period between seeking help and actually getting help is extremely frustrating. Is it worth seeing your GP again? And is there anyone else other than your boyfriend you can get support from? Friends? Family? This may help alleviate some of the pressure he's feeling.
    This was really beneficial advice to on how to make you feel better while you're waiting for your assessment...might be something you could try...



    Some of his frustration may come from his misunderstanding of what you're going through. If you do decide to chat with him, pointing him in the direction of this article (supporting someone who self harms) may help.

    If you want a more in-depth answer, it's worth pointing you in the direction of our AskTheSite service. It?s totally confidential and you can ask any question anonymously and a relevant expert will respond to you within three working days.

    Let us know how you get on.

    Big hugs *hug*

    Holly

    This was an amazing response!

    I heard about the guy chatting sexually with a teen and went on full alert. I hope the OP will come to recognize the red flag for what it is, but she may not be ready to do that. I wish I'd have thought of a more helpful response like Holly did.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    After reading through the links Holly posted, I decided to make an appointment to see the counsellor at uni. Which is tomorrow.
    This part particularly made me feel I should do it;
    If you're in a relationship, your self-harming can have a huge impact on your partner. They might feel:

    Fearful and upset; not understanding why you would do this if you loved them
    An overwhelming sense of personal responsibility to make sure you don't self-harm
    Inadequate: thinking they should be able to make you happy
    Isolated and rejected; feeling that you're shutting them out or pushing them away when they're trying to help.

    Trying to talk to him is hard. He doesn't understand any of this, so he doesn't want to talk about it. He'll change the subject, or ignore me. Like the other night, I told him I was sorry if I ever made him feel unappreciated, that I am so grateful for everything he does. He just said "I know." It's really frustrating, because I do try. :/
    I also showed him the Supporting Someone Who Self Harms page, as well as the page I quoted above, and told him that's why I'm going to try and get better. He just didn't respond. But that's just how he is.

    I've decided to say nothing about the messages. I'm still incredibly hurt, but no matter what way I look at it, it all seems to be my fault anyway.

    I'm just going to concentrate on counselling now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It isnt your fault, he sounds like he has been a complete dick.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He isn't a bad person though.

    Tbh, yeh, I'd never have expected him to talk about me like that, because he always tells me the complete opposite. That "it's ok". But he's still not a dick, he does put up with a lot. I just didn't realise how much.

    We've been together for years, and he's stuck with me through all of this. Even after I broke all the "I'll never do it again" promises. I do feel like I've been horribly ungrateful, after everything I've read.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He just didn't respond. But that's just how he is.

    Some people don't know what to or act around people who self harm. A friends' response seems to have gone from "I don't trust you" to "I really do not want to talk to you".
    I've decided to say nothing about the messages. I'm still incredibly hurt, but no matter what way I look at it, it all seems to be my fault anyway.

    It's not all your fault.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    After reading through the links Holly posted, I decided to make an appointment to see the counsellor at uni. Which is tomorrow.
    This part particularly made me feel I should do it;


    Trying to talk to him is hard. He doesn't understand any of this, so he doesn't want to talk about it. He'll change the subject, or ignore me. Like the other night, I told him I was sorry if I ever made him feel unappreciated, that I am so grateful for everything he does. He just said "I know." It's really frustrating, because I do try. :/
    I also showed him the Supporting Someone Who Self Harms page, as well as the page I quoted above, and told him that's why I'm going to try and get better. He just didn't respond. But that's just how he is.

    I've decided to say nothing about the messages. I'm still incredibly hurt, but no matter what way I look at it, it all seems to be my fault anyway.

    I'm just going to concentrate on counselling now.

    Wonderful! That's a courageous first step, and will hopefully be followed by many more until you find yourself one day stopping to realize how far you came and how happy you are.
  • *Holly**Holly* Moderator Posts: 140 Settling in
    Hi again liquid-confidence

    I'm so glad you found the articles helpful and that you've taken the steps to get some help. :yippe:

    TheSite and our boards are always here whenever you need to vent. If you have a look through the Health and Wellbeing boards, you'll see there are a lot of threads from people who are going through similar things to you and therefore understand how you're feeling. Post whenever you want, about whatever you want, and someone will always be here to read it and offer support.*hug*

    It sounds like the articles I showed you helped you see things a little bit better from your boyfriend's perspective. Although it's important you don't blame yourself too much for him "putting up with a lot". It's not your fault that you feel and act the way you do and you're not ungrateful. You never asked for your brain to work this way. Lots of other people are going through exactly the same kinds of thing and they didn't ask for it either. And, most importantly, you're taking the steps to try and make yourself feel better.

    As for issues with your boyfriend, I think the fact that you tried to talk is a really positive step. It couldn't have been easy to pluck up the courage to do that. Ultimately only you can know/decide how good the relationship is - but I'm glad your main focus is making yourself better. Because, cheesy as it sounds, it's the relationship with yourself that lasts a lifetime.

    Let us know how counselling goes and remember the boards are always here :)

    Hugs

    Holly
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote:
    Some people don't know what to or act around people who self harm. A friends' response seems to have gone from "I don't trust you" to "I really do not want to talk to you".
    I accepted a long time ago that my boyfriend doesn't like to talk about things. Some people are like that I guess, so I'm used to it.
    *Holly* wrote:
    It sounds like the articles I showed you helped you see things a little bit better from your boyfriend's perspective
    Sometimes I wish he'd try and see it from my perspective tbh, but he really doesn't understand it and just doesn't want to. Like most people do. But there was a lot in that article, so thank you.
    *Holly* wrote:
    Although it's important you don't blame yourself too much for him "putting up with a lot". It's not your fault that you feel and act the way you do and you're not ungrateful.
    It's very hard not to think this way. But I guess that's something I have to work on.

    Thanks everyone, for your support. I've been putting off counselling for so long, because my past experiences with it were all pretty much rubbish... But this has all made me realise that I have to try. Not just for me but for everyone else. I know that sounds corny as hell, but it's true.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sometimes I wish he'd try and see it from my perspective tbh, but he really doesn't understand it and just doesn't want to. Like most people do. But there was a lot in that article, so thank you.

    I don't think he is even ABLE to. You can only understand self-harming when you are doing or done it yourself. Inflicting wounds on purpose to your own body is a foreign and weird concept to me, no matter how long and hard I think about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    I don't think he is even ABLE to. You can only understand self-harming when you are doing or done it yourself. Inflicting wounds on purpose to your own body is a foreign and weird concept to me, no matter how long and hard I think about it.

    THis.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Doesn't look good at first - but he's "peeved" that you don't want him to show you any concern? If his frustration with the situation is caused by your refusal of his concern, his intent towards you is good, no? Just my interpretation...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Spliffie wrote: »
    Doesn't look good at first - but he's "peeved" that you don't want him to show you any concern? If his frustration with the situation is caused by your refusal of his concern, his intent towards you is good, no? Just my interpretation...

    It's not that I didn't want him to show concern, I just said "Please don't be mad", and only because in the past when I cut he did get really mad. Calling me stupid, basically ripping through me for doing it. I know it's a lot not to expect that reaction, but at the time, I really wouldn't have been able to take it well.
    As for him being peeved, I read that more as him being annoyed at me for doing it. Which again, is fair.

    Being called ungrateful just hurt, but looking at it now from his perspective, yeh, I was being totally ungrateful.
    I have no idea why he had to bring up the subject of sex either, or why he lied about it. But I'm just letting it go.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    id avoid taking all the blame on yourself if possible and wasting time on unnecessary guilt about things that you didnt and wouldnt choose, when you need to concentrate on getting better x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Agreed. Feeling guilty's wasted energy, energy you could spend getting better.

    Given his other attitudes, maybe he's not the best person to lean on for support anymore.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It is very hard to be the partner of someone with mental health problems, but its also fucking hard to live with mental health problems yourself, and I really dont think theres any excuse for being a cunt about it and talking about you like that
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