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insecurity ruining relationship..help?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
me and my boyfriend have been together only about 6 months, but were friends before that. we have so much in common, have a great time together and are really in love- when it's good, its absolutely amazing.
the problem is, he's really, really insecure. we argue almost daily about things which spark the insecurity and its just starting to wear on the relationship so much. Its a bit to read but i really need some help or advice on this so id really appreciate it.
he needs constant attention (chatting on IM all day, if not by a computer texting constantly or ringing several times a day) we live in different cities so see each other only at weekends, and i love chatting with him so mostly i dont mind this, but sometimes i have to concentrate on work, or wanna play videogames or chat with housemates, and he will get annoyed at this ("you care more about playing zelda than me/your friends are more interesting than me/you didnt want to speak to me" etc)
he also constantly asks me things like "do you love me" - of course i do, and i tell him really often anyway, but being asked to say it makes it sound forced and i really dont like it
he 'jokes' around by saying things like "oh bet you are just saying bad things about me" if i say im not replying straight away because im chatting to flatmates
we have argued every time we go out recently - a couple of the things we have argued about:
he needed to go to the cashpoint and i said "i wish you'd told me before we got the bus into town" - i meant it just normally, he took it as me being horrible, i apologized and said i didnt mean for him to take it that way and sorry if it came across wrong but he wouldnt let it go so we ended up fighting
i gave up smoking last year. when out recently i asked him "really fancy a cigarette, do you think i can have one?" he just said "fine. do whatever you want" and didnt speak for me for the rest of the night till we fought and went home...all he needed to say was "no i dont think you should have one" - i didnt have one anyway, until we had had a massive argument and i thought 'fuck it- its caused the problem now anyway' (of course this made the argument way worse)-- the thing about this is, i ASKED his permission to even have one, he immediately got angry with me..i probably wouldnt have even smoked anyway (even if he said yes) as usually the urge goes after a while after a while, all i can think is how pointless the whole argument was which
1. he was never bothered about me smoking/giving up in the first place
2. i did ask his permission before even trying to get a cigarette off someone
he now gets annoyed if i go out in the week without him, as "he knows he cant give me a good night out but i have fun with other people" ..so i have to then comfort him (even though, we dont have good nights out together, because he always starts arguments..part of me feels like..if hes that upset about us having crap nights out, why doesnt he just stop and have a good time with me?!)
the problem is, i know its all about compromise, but when arguments are set off by him being irrational /insecure i dont feel like i should apologize or change my future behaviour, cuz that only makes it worse surely? but then it always seems like im just asking him to change/stop being insecure which seems so one sided like i'm saying "im perfect, its you who needs to change" i just dont see what else i do..i dont want to stop having friends or a life, stop going out without him, i absolutely hate arguing and every time we argue it gets harder for me to just go back to normal again
I dont want to break up- i just really need some advice on how to make this situation better (things i can say to him/things he needs to do, and things i could change or do as well)
thank you
x
the problem is, he's really, really insecure. we argue almost daily about things which spark the insecurity and its just starting to wear on the relationship so much. Its a bit to read but i really need some help or advice on this so id really appreciate it.
he needs constant attention (chatting on IM all day, if not by a computer texting constantly or ringing several times a day) we live in different cities so see each other only at weekends, and i love chatting with him so mostly i dont mind this, but sometimes i have to concentrate on work, or wanna play videogames or chat with housemates, and he will get annoyed at this ("you care more about playing zelda than me/your friends are more interesting than me/you didnt want to speak to me" etc)
he also constantly asks me things like "do you love me" - of course i do, and i tell him really often anyway, but being asked to say it makes it sound forced and i really dont like it
he 'jokes' around by saying things like "oh bet you are just saying bad things about me" if i say im not replying straight away because im chatting to flatmates
we have argued every time we go out recently - a couple of the things we have argued about:
he needed to go to the cashpoint and i said "i wish you'd told me before we got the bus into town" - i meant it just normally, he took it as me being horrible, i apologized and said i didnt mean for him to take it that way and sorry if it came across wrong but he wouldnt let it go so we ended up fighting
i gave up smoking last year. when out recently i asked him "really fancy a cigarette, do you think i can have one?" he just said "fine. do whatever you want" and didnt speak for me for the rest of the night till we fought and went home...all he needed to say was "no i dont think you should have one" - i didnt have one anyway, until we had had a massive argument and i thought 'fuck it- its caused the problem now anyway' (of course this made the argument way worse)-- the thing about this is, i ASKED his permission to even have one, he immediately got angry with me..i probably wouldnt have even smoked anyway (even if he said yes) as usually the urge goes after a while after a while, all i can think is how pointless the whole argument was which
1. he was never bothered about me smoking/giving up in the first place
2. i did ask his permission before even trying to get a cigarette off someone
he now gets annoyed if i go out in the week without him, as "he knows he cant give me a good night out but i have fun with other people" ..so i have to then comfort him (even though, we dont have good nights out together, because he always starts arguments..part of me feels like..if hes that upset about us having crap nights out, why doesnt he just stop and have a good time with me?!)
the problem is, i know its all about compromise, but when arguments are set off by him being irrational /insecure i dont feel like i should apologize or change my future behaviour, cuz that only makes it worse surely? but then it always seems like im just asking him to change/stop being insecure which seems so one sided like i'm saying "im perfect, its you who needs to change" i just dont see what else i do..i dont want to stop having friends or a life, stop going out without him, i absolutely hate arguing and every time we argue it gets harder for me to just go back to normal again
I dont want to break up- i just really need some advice on how to make this situation better (things i can say to him/things he needs to do, and things i could change or do as well)
thank you
x
0
Comments
You're right that relationships do always require some compromise. However, you shouldn't be made to feel bad about going out, seeing your friends and ultimately having a life away from your boyfriend.
You say he's insecure, and from what you've written, it certainly seems like he's quite needy in the relationship. You've argued about different one-off topics, but I was wondering if you've actually sat down and spoken about the leading cause to all these arguments? These articles Communicating as a couple and Dealing with arguments may help give you some pointers.
It might be useful for you to find out/understand why he gets so insecure. Has he been treated badly/cheated on in the past? Discussing it together may be a good step towards him feeling more comfortable. Do you think that's something he would be able to do? Or would it turn it into an argument? If you steer clear from accusational phrases like "You're so insecure and it's ruining the relationship" and use phrases more like "I feel like..." that could help. Maybe starting with something like "We've been arguing a bit recently about me going out and I'm starting to feel guilty whenever I make plans. How do you feel about it? What can we together to stop this rows"?
Also - does he have anything in his life other than you to focus on? Hobbies? Friends of his own? It might be that you're busier than him so he has more time to sit around wondering what you're up to. Perhaps encourage him to take up a hobby? Or organise a night with his mates?
Ultimately remember that relationships are supposed to be happy and postive things in your life. If the bad starts outweighing the good, you feel pressured to alter who you are, or your partner isn't willing to take the steps necessary to make it better - then it may be worth considering if it's the right relationship for you.
Hope that helps *hug*
Holly
No, you're not perfect, either. But each of you has a right to decide what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. The problem isn't that you're not compromising. The problem is that you have a conflict and you're letting yourself be part of the problem. As you said, it will get worse over time if it works for him now. But even as you argue to keep your rights, your behavior shows him that you'll give them up.
You cannot change him.
I have been in your shoes, and I understand just how much it can make a person question themselves. In some cases, it can venture into emotional abuse if it goes on, but it's super hard to break away from it when you care about someone. The problem is, you stop caring for yourself. In an article I wrote, I described the three most common mistakes women make in relationships where things like this happen. I hope you'll give it a read and find some helpful information to improve your life, because in five years, he will still be who he is.
http://jellygator.hubpages.com/hub/Making-Less-of-Herself-Wont-Make-Him-More