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My girlfriend self-harms

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
We've been going out for half a year now. I love her to bits and really want to see her through this.

She's been self harming for around 3 years but it really seems that her cutting is slowing down to the point where it will (soon hopefully) stop completely.

I submitted a question a lot longer than 3 days ago and got no response so I thought I would try here instead.

My first instinct is anger and upset if she tells me or I see a new cut. I can't help it at all, the feeling takes over and I'm left as a husk for half an hour until I learn to deal with the situation.

Everywhere says "oh yeah you err... need to be there and support them and derp", this doesn't help in the slightest.

Does anyone have any techniques I can use to either mask my feelings so I can deal with them later or deal with them straight away so I can support my girlfriend?

:shocking:

I've never posted on a forum with smileys before; apologies.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you first need to think why do you feel angry and upset?

    Because she's dealing with things in her own way instead of with you, or you feel powerless to help her? If you can figure that out then it will be easier to figure out how to deal with it
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel angry and upset because it feels like self-harming is a selfish addiction that causes more pain than there was mentally to begin with.

    I've moved past the feeling helpless stage and moved onto dealing with my emotion when she does it.

    I know I'll never understand why she does it, no matter how many people tell me. It's not that I'm not open minded, it's simply because it is so different to anything I've ever experienced.

    Does this give more of an idea?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You might find thesite's article about supporting someone who self harms useful:

    http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/selfharm/supportingsomeonewhoselfharms
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Randomgirl wrote: »
    You might find thesite's article about supporting someone who self harms useful:

    http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/selfharm/supportingsomeonewhoselfharms
    hmm, I don't know if my last post was rejected or not by a moderator but:

    I can't achieve the first bullet point unless I can work on some techniques to deal with the emotion. The second two bullet points are why I'm here in the first place!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey justanotherperson,

    First off welcome to thesite, you seem to have already taken a look around, please check out the posting guidelines.

    You seem really angry/frustrated which I can understand, it's clear you want to support your girlfriend and you're doing the right thing looking for advice.

    As for techniques, there's no hard and fast rule, you know yourself better than anyone and if you want to mask your feelings you'll have to work on this. It'll probably take a lot for your girlfriend to tell you when she's harmed which is great you have such a good relationship. Try to remember that she doesn't necessarily want to do this and isn't doing it to hurt you it's just her way of coping.

    Please make sure to get support for yourself, others here are in similar situations and keep posting,

    dp :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there,

    Sorry to hear you didn't get a reply when you expected. We usually do manage to get them out on time - but sometimes people don't realise that it's three 'working days' - so for example, if you sumitted your question at 3pm on Thursday it would get back to you by 3pm on Tuesday (3 on Thur to 3 on Friday = 1 day. 3 on Friday - 3 on Monday = 2 days. 3 on Monday to 3 on Tuesday = 3 days). Your answer from our experts at 42nd Street has defintely gone out now - so just put in your ID number here.

    If you do have any problems accessing it, give us a shout. You can also email at feedback@askthesite.org.uk.

    Apologies again!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel angry and upset because it feels like self-harming is a selfish addiction that causes more pain than there was mentally to begin with.

    its not selfish, it definitely is not selfish! I self harmed for a number of years and I never did it where it was selfish, its an escape for many people! instead of feeling angry and upset, try and be there for her and maybe try to divert the reasons she self harms so that when she's upset she comes and talks to you or someone else!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel angry and upset because it feels like self-harming is a selfish addiction that causes more pain than there was mentally to begin with.

    I'm doubting that that is how she sees it. I too have self harmed over the years, and in my mind, when I have the urge it is not worse that the mental pain I am feeling at that second. I can't describe it exactly but if you have ever felt angry enough to want to punch something, or scream it is a bit like that. Harming removes some of the pent up anger/hate/pain.

    I accept it probably isn't easy to deal with though, and it is great you want to help her! I would say offering a shoulder and a pair of ears will mean a lot to her, and hopefully over time she will realise that talking to you is "easier" and more beneficial to her. Being with a partner with mental health issues can be harder than a "normal" person, so make sure that you look after your well being too, it can be easy to forget about yourself if it all gets too much.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'll be blunt. You won't get her to stop, if you do, it would be because she's stopping for you, but not herself. The problem with that is, it's far easier to relapse and if you ever break up, she'll simply return to it. She has to stop for herself and motivate herself to stop, although you should try to be more supportive and understanding. But besides this, there's honestly nothing you can actually do.

    I self-harmed from age 16 to 18 and I consciously decided to just stop in Feb 2011 when I cut my arm open so bad that there was blood everywhere and I needed lots of stitches and as a result theres a big, ugly scar, which will never fade away and attracts a lot of uncomfortable questions. In the past I had stopped for friends, but weeks later relapsed, because I had tried to stop for them but not myself.
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