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i just need to get this out there (self-harm)
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hey,
i'm new, if i'm not 'spose to post this or whatever feel free to delete it, (i've read all the rules etc but knowing me i've read them wrong or something) i don't mind, i just need to type this all out.
i've always been a self harmer, for as long as i can remember, i've pulled my hair out to the extent of having bald patches at school, whenever i was anxious or excessively worried, and i've always sliced off the skin from the bottom of my feet, it felt almost good, every step i took for about a week after would would be a constant reminder of the self inflicted pain, these would always be done sporadically and i'd have to let my feet heal completely before repeating the cycle. when i left school and started college i developed an addiction to painkiller's as i became paranoid about developing a migraine (just before i started college i had a really bad migraine, it was so painful and no amount of painkillers would help it so i tried to take an overdose because in death my pain would be released, i remember waking up the next day with the pain some what dulled and sick everywhere, needless to say i survived and never told anyone this, i was too ashamed) in my mind if i stopped any form of pain with painkillers before it properly developed id never have to hurt in that way again, it kept escalating till it got to the point where i was taking a doesen pills every morning just to get out of the house, and topping up every half an hour with-out fail with at least 4 pills, i even kept stealing my grandads co-dine and co-codomol. one day we had a two hour lunch break so on top of my daily accumulation of painkillers i also decided it'd be a good idea to take 24 co-dine over that 2 hour period, i was pretty messed up and my best friend at the time bunked our last lesson with me to make sure i could actually get the bus home and had to put his fingers down my throat to make me sick, after that i faked a migraine and took a week off college, i begged him the next time i saw him to not tell anyone what happened, he looked at me with pure disgust in his eyes but to this day he's kept his word, after this point i hated myself so much, i bunked another 2 weeks from college whilst my mum was away for work and barricaded my self in my bedroom, i flushed all my pills that i had stockpiled and i forced my self to withdraw. it wasn't easy i kept getting hot and cold flushes and awe-full tremors, but after about a week and a half the craving seemed to stop, that was 2 and a half years ago and since then if i've had a migraine or any other form of physical pain i've just fought threw it, i've slipped up only a couple times taking a few paracetamol hear and there, but i never go more the 20 min's without shoving a toothbrush down my throat to make myself throw them up.
a few of the girls i'm living with in hall's are starting to get a bit worried because sometimes they won't see me for a fair few day's or if they do it's just because the only reason i've rolled out of bed is for my nicotine fix and i will only see them for about 2 minuets and they'll be lucky if i say more then "hi" and "i'm fine, you?" to them, every few months or so for as long as i've been self harming i get these emmence feelings of hatred towards my self and just emptiness, i'll have really important deadlines coming up or friends birthdays etc etc, but id rather spend over a week in my bed just drifting in and out of sleep, doing nothing, feeling nothing, and i need to get fairly tipsy/drunk before i can even stand going out of my room, if i actually leave my room for a fag i wait until its fairly late so i don't bump into anyone i live with because the thought of seeing another human being feels me with dread.
this feeling has been known in the past to go on for a couple of months, at 9 weeks this is becoming the longest i've felt like this in a single go, and its by far the most intense, i'm not thinking of killing myself, but i'm trying to come up with better ways to hurt myself. im finding it hard to cope and focus on anything. i feel like crying constantly, and i want to get these feeling out there but if i try to bring it up with some one face to face or right it down in letter form, i cant go threw with it, i don't know why i cant bring my self to do so, i just freeze up and escape back to the sanctity of my room, normally followed by a cutting session because i feel pathetic.
i had to stop writing this twice to cut myself more, i feel like i'm at the point where i could really do with some help, but i have no idea what to do about it,
sorry about the incredibly long post, and if anyone actually takes the time to read this(i doubt very much anyone has that much time on there hands), then thank-you
Xx
i'm new, if i'm not 'spose to post this or whatever feel free to delete it, (i've read all the rules etc but knowing me i've read them wrong or something) i don't mind, i just need to type this all out.
i've always been a self harmer, for as long as i can remember, i've pulled my hair out to the extent of having bald patches at school, whenever i was anxious or excessively worried, and i've always sliced off the skin from the bottom of my feet, it felt almost good, every step i took for about a week after would would be a constant reminder of the self inflicted pain, these would always be done sporadically and i'd have to let my feet heal completely before repeating the cycle. when i left school and started college i developed an addiction to painkiller's as i became paranoid about developing a migraine (just before i started college i had a really bad migraine, it was so painful and no amount of painkillers would help it so i tried to take an overdose because in death my pain would be released, i remember waking up the next day with the pain some what dulled and sick everywhere, needless to say i survived and never told anyone this, i was too ashamed) in my mind if i stopped any form of pain with painkillers before it properly developed id never have to hurt in that way again, it kept escalating till it got to the point where i was taking a doesen pills every morning just to get out of the house, and topping up every half an hour with-out fail with at least 4 pills, i even kept stealing my grandads co-dine and co-codomol. one day we had a two hour lunch break so on top of my daily accumulation of painkillers i also decided it'd be a good idea to take 24 co-dine over that 2 hour period, i was pretty messed up and my best friend at the time bunked our last lesson with me to make sure i could actually get the bus home and had to put his fingers down my throat to make me sick, after that i faked a migraine and took a week off college, i begged him the next time i saw him to not tell anyone what happened, he looked at me with pure disgust in his eyes but to this day he's kept his word, after this point i hated myself so much, i bunked another 2 weeks from college whilst my mum was away for work and barricaded my self in my bedroom, i flushed all my pills that i had stockpiled and i forced my self to withdraw. it wasn't easy i kept getting hot and cold flushes and awe-full tremors, but after about a week and a half the craving seemed to stop, that was 2 and a half years ago and since then if i've had a migraine or any other form of physical pain i've just fought threw it, i've slipped up only a couple times taking a few paracetamol hear and there, but i never go more the 20 min's without shoving a toothbrush down my throat to make myself throw them up.
a few of the girls i'm living with in hall's are starting to get a bit worried because sometimes they won't see me for a fair few day's or if they do it's just because the only reason i've rolled out of bed is for my nicotine fix and i will only see them for about 2 minuets and they'll be lucky if i say more then "hi" and "i'm fine, you?" to them, every few months or so for as long as i've been self harming i get these emmence feelings of hatred towards my self and just emptiness, i'll have really important deadlines coming up or friends birthdays etc etc, but id rather spend over a week in my bed just drifting in and out of sleep, doing nothing, feeling nothing, and i need to get fairly tipsy/drunk before i can even stand going out of my room, if i actually leave my room for a fag i wait until its fairly late so i don't bump into anyone i live with because the thought of seeing another human being feels me with dread.
this feeling has been known in the past to go on for a couple of months, at 9 weeks this is becoming the longest i've felt like this in a single go, and its by far the most intense, i'm not thinking of killing myself, but i'm trying to come up with better ways to hurt myself. im finding it hard to cope and focus on anything. i feel like crying constantly, and i want to get these feeling out there but if i try to bring it up with some one face to face or right it down in letter form, i cant go threw with it, i don't know why i cant bring my self to do so, i just freeze up and escape back to the sanctity of my room, normally followed by a cutting session because i feel pathetic.
i had to stop writing this twice to cut myself more, i feel like i'm at the point where i could really do with some help, but i have no idea what to do about it,
sorry about the incredibly long post, and if anyone actually takes the time to read this(i doubt very much anyone has that much time on there hands), then thank-you
Xx
0
Comments
Firstly, welcome to TheSite. An incredibly detailed post. Hopefully putting some of that down has given you a sense of release.
I know you said your finding it hard to speak to someone about it. Have you thought about seeking out any counselling services that university might be able to offer you.
What about your doctor. Have you ever been able to disclose to them how you are feeling or whats been going on.
I don't want to bombard you with too much information on your first post, because as i say putting it down for the first time must have taken a lot of courage.
In saying that, you could take a look at the self harm section here on TheSite. It will give information and guidance on confiding in someone, understanding patient confidentiality and what to expect from medical services etc.
http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/selfharm
Please take a look at it and let us know if any of it is useful.
Keep posting!
Phil :thumb:
i do feel strangely slightly better after writing that all down, and haveing someone read it,
when i was in my third year of college (it took me the two previous years at college to pluck up the courage to ask for help) i tried getting counseling but i pussyed out every time i had an appointment (about 6 times before i gave up trying), i haven't looked into what the uni might be able to offer regarding that kind of stuff, i'm scared to discuss feelings, i think i'm just scared in general, i have trouble verbalizing things,
ive never even thought about talking to a doctor before, althought in saying that i don't know who or where my doctor's is in Winchester (only started uni at the end of September), tho i know i've transferred from my original doc's,
if i gather up the energy/balls to go outside tomorrow i'll look into maybe getting an appointment of some kind, but i wouldn't want to show my thighs to a doctor or anything like that,
reading the self harm section on this website is the reason i signed up to post on these forums there's some good info on there, but it say's if your going to talk to someone it should be some one who you trust, theirs not really any one i trust, especially with something like this,
Xx
Welcome to TheSite - I'm glad you managed to find the boards through http://thesite.org/selfharm and that you feel slightly better
Firstly I just wanted to let you know and explain that I have actually edited some of your original post to remove graphic detail of your harm. As you say, we don't have any formal guidance on this at the moment, so I don't blame you for posting it at all. However, just to explain, through our conversations with other members here, we've established that people see the real benefit of these forums as a place to identify how and where you can get help if you're looking for it (as you say you are) and also to talk about your thoughts and feelings in relation to the harm - a member called Frankipanda puts it really well... She says, it can be useful to explain: "I'm thinking this and it makes me feel."
These boards are also here to vent/rant about how you're feeling and it's ok to say in context "I've cut" or "I've thrown up" or "I've burnt myself" - but really this is as far as that detail should go. I'm aware that writing everything without constraint can be a really good release though, so if you wanted to write a message to askTheSite (there's a self-harm section) then you really have no limit as it's a fully confidential service. Also, you haven't mentioned if you're male or female - there may be some other services we can recommend if you let us know.
Phil's right that speaking to a doctor can be a really good first point of call and a decent one shouldn't force you to show your cuts, but will allow you to talk about how it's making you feel and work with you to identify the most appropriate help. Bear in mind though that if you did want some advice about first-aid, then showing a doctor may not be a bad thing. You say you've found some good info in the self-harm section, so apologies if you've already seen the article about visiting your doctor but thought worth linking to again incase you haven't.
Student welfare at unis is also getting better and more and more people are becoming aware of self-harm and its impact, so it would be worth checking out what's available. Plucking up the courage to go for counselling is indeed really tough and lots of people here have had mixed experiences of all kinds of therapy that you'll no doubt get to hear about if you stick around TheSite.org
You say there's no-one you trust right now, but as you start to explore options for support, there's every chance that you'll get to meet people you learn to trust who can really support and help you.
Let us know how you got on today and if you have any further thoughts about what we've said so far. Again, really glad you've found us.
As phil01 says, maybe consider seeing your GP? i don't know how you'd feel about trying that?
What i really wanted to get across was actually i feel like self-harming and struggle to talk/ write down whats going on. ive been a self harmer for 7 years. still you are able to get it across really well.
Hope that made sense. Keep posting on how you're doing