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Photos from past relationships

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
How do people feel about their partner keeping photos with their ex in them? I'm not talking about nude photos or anything, just normal photos like from holidays etc.

I ask because my girlfriend is very bothered that I've still got all the photos from my previous relationship on my laptop. She says I should delete them, and it's weird to keep them. My opinion is that photos shouldn't be deleted, because to me that's like deleting the last five years of my life. It's not that I would want to look at the photos - I just can't imagine ever deleting any photos. I have photos from the past ten years, and I've never deleted anything before.

I can understand that it's not great to have them on my laptop, where she might see them randomly. I offered to put them on a DVD or something so they're not on my laptop. But she says she'd only be happy if they were completely gone. I also understand some people might say "if you don't want to look at them, why keep them?" - but I just can't imagine deleting photos.

Am I being strange not wanting to delete photos, or is she being overly jealous/insecure about this? I'd really like to know where people stand on this.

Thanks.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its tricky!

    I personally don't want to keep my photos of me and exs, but I know that I might want to look at them in the future...odd but I know I might. But saying that, going through my ex's photos with (when we were still together) and I got really angry seeing photos of him and his ex.

    I would take the photos and put them somewhere that no one else is going to look, or in a scrapbook, so at least if you do share it with someone else then they'll know it'll have photos of people from you're past.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was about to suggest to you that you should offer to stick them on an external hard drive and put it away in the back of a cupboard, like you would do with a shoebox full of old photos, but then you hit me with the DVD line.

    Mate, seriously, you're being more than reasonable offering to take them off the laptop and put them away. It's your life; your history. She's a full-blown bell-end if she insists you destroy them. Though if she does insist you're probably just looking at the tip of the Bunny Boiler iceberg.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I keep every photo I have of every friend / ex / whathaveyou. The only ones I tend to delete are naked ones etc. and that's more out of respect for the person who probably doesn't want me to have them anymore.

    Just put them in a passworded .zip or .7z file and say you've deleted them if she's not happy with that. Everyone is allowed their privacy even in a relationship, having old pictures of exes doesn't mean you still want your ex, it just means it was important to you at one stage of your life and you like to have the memories.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it depends on the people. I got rid of my old photos of my exes and so did my partner. It made both of us feel better.
    Other people find its not an issue. I dont think it really says anything about her one way or the other, but i think your compromise sounds ok
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    ShyBoy wrote: »
    Everyone is allowed their privacy even in a relationship, having old pictures of exes doesn't mean you still want your ex, it just means it was important to you at one stage of your life and you like to have the memories.

    :yes: spot on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    agree with all of the above, you've made a fair compromise by offering to put them on dvd.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wow, maybe me and my partner are both bunny boilers then. Doesnt feel like it, but i think both of us would be weirded out if the other was desperate to keep hold of pics of our exes.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wow, maybe me and my partner are both bunny boilers then. Doesnt feel like it, but i think both of us would be weirded out if the other was desperate to keep hold of pics of our exes.

    I am desperate to keep hold of every picture of my past and has nothing to do with who is on it. I think this is the point of having pictures of oneself/friends, even exes you do not like anymore. To reminisce the old times. I wouldn't agree to anyone making me delete them either.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wow, maybe me and my partner are both bunny boilers then. Doesnt feel like it, but i think both of us would be weirded out if the other was desperate to keep hold of pics of our exes.

    I would say it's less 'desperate' to keep hold of the pictures, but its like you have family albums of growing up with your friends and family... well some of my closest friends when I was growing up turned into relationships and I loved them a lot. We had a lot of good times together. I keep the pictures as mementos on my hard disk somewhere (much as in the old days people would keep them in a shoebox full of polaroids). Occasionally I look through them, maybe once a year. I smile when I remember good memories from all of them, relationship or friendship, then I put them away again and get on with life.

    I would be hurt if someone said I had to 'delete' my past because they felt insecure about it or whatever. It's not like I have topless photos of my ex set as my desktop background, they're kept away for the days that I like to think back. I like to think in 10 or 20 years back I could still look back and remember the times I had with my first girlfriend when I was 17 (I'd be 44 by then!).

    But if you and your partner are happy with whats working for you, that's really good :). I just think for me, it's part of my past and I don't want anyone to tell me I have to get rid of it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think what youre saying is totally valid, im just saying that the other point of view doesnt necessarily make someone a weirdo either. It probably means theyre insecure for whatever reason, and its up to you whether youre interested in someone with insecurities

    If its something important to you to keep them and its important to her that you dont for whatever insecure reasons, then maybe its time to reassess compatibility because it might keep coming up time and time again
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for all the replies. It's helpful to see it from a few perspectives, and to know I'm not being completely unreasonable here.

    I think she does have some trust and insecurity issues, but I want to try and help her through that. She's had some bad experiences in the past, so I'm willing to give her some leaway before deciding she's a 'bunny boiler'.

    Hopefully it's enough that I get them off my laptop, then she never needs to see them again. I wouldn't like to lie to her about keeping them - one thing I've said from the start in this relationship is it's 100% honesty, and that's how I've been so far. (Feels great to have that).
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Sound perspective there :)

    We actually asked your question in our first askTheSite live broadcast (don't worry - no username etc mentioned!) but I reckon you mind find Matt's thoughts really helpful - you can have a listen here http://www.thesite.org/community/thesocial/chat/chatarchive/MattWhyman

    :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wow, maybe me and my partner are both bunny boilers then. Doesnt feel like it, but i think both of us would be weirded out if the other was desperate to keep hold of pics of our exes.

    That's possibly more because you had both come out of relationships with complete weirdoes. If the breakups had been more amicable, and you'd had more happy memories, it may well have been different.

    I think a partner insisting on the deletion of everything is being unreasonable, to be completely honest. But equally wanting to keep everything despite your partner's wishes is being unreasonable too. It depends what sorts of photos you're keeping, to a great extent- if it's photos of your holidays that's one thing, but keeping sexy snaps is a massive no-no.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Perfectly fine, if not helpful to your current relationship...

    In my opinion, and this is coming from a woman's perspective, i think that it is perfectly fine to keep photos of your past relationships. It isn't like you have them framed and hanging up on the walls of your home right? I guess I could understand why she might not understand herself if she doesnt feel the need to keep photos of exes, but regardless, this is who you are. If it is important to you, then you should keep them. I am currently engaged and very happy with my fiance.. I plan to spend forever with him... but I have boxes of photos and jewelry and dried flowers and stuffed animals (you name it, if it was a memory, I kept it) in my closet at home that I plan on keeping. It is even fun once in a while to take the stuff out and remember my past. It helps remind me of how I got where I am today and still be able to smile at the fun times I had in highschool and college. Theres a reason you are not with the one you were in those picutres, and a reason why you are dating your girlfriend now. Maybe try to explain it to her that way (the reasons you are with her are very important, and from your experiences with exes, you've decided that she is the one you want to be with right now.. or in the future, etc.... whatever you feel comfortable with) That is what I tell my fiance if he ever gets insecure (which is really where all this stems from) and it seems to work! Hope everything goes well.
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