Would you kindly give me some advice on this?

Hello,

I've been going through an extreme low and my Dad told me to try this site.
You can call me Indy for now, if you like.
I'm 21 years old and male.
I have a lot to complain about at present.

The basics are that I took a drug called Roaccutane in 2005. This is an acne drug. I was told I was unlikely to get any side effects, and any I did get would only be experienced while on the drug. You can probably tell what I'm going to say, but I ended up getting most of the listed side effects and things have only become worse since stopping the drug, over 5 years ago. I've actually written a book about my complete experience with that drug (It's called 'Roaccutane: The Truth'). Some people can take that drug without problems, but many (including myself) get a bit screwed up.

It's a tricky situation. Some of the side effects (health conditions) I have are extremely embarrasing and have made me feel abnormal. I'll throw one example out there... Around a year ago something happened to my... y'know... thing. Around the same time, I started having digestive issues. I now have constipation (despite a very healthy, high-fibre diet) and erectile dysfunction (+ practically zero sexdrive). As you can imagine, these two things alone are pretty hard to live with. In case you're in doubt, I know 100% that this drug is the cause of my problems. Many people online have listed similar stories. There health, after this drug, just seems to fall apart. It's very strange, because some people don't get side effects on the drug and then out of nowhere, they get something like the two I've mentioned above. It's not rare that people have their entire colon removed because of this drug.

I could really end up writing too much here, so I'll try not to go into every detail, but other problems I have are these...

- Depression (including thoughts of suicide) and anxiety
- Dry, red eyes (which creates more social anxiety for me)
- Low energy (I've recently been diagnosed with Adrenal fatigue by my nutritionist, after testing)
- Easily injured (i.e. achy after a small amount of exercise).

A fact about this drug, which you think they'd mention to me beforehand (but Noooo) is that it is a chemotherapy drug. It's complicated, because the makers of this drug say they're unaware of how the drug works. I'm afraid things are just getting worse, despite my best efforts.

I'm not really looking for health advice, and you should know that I don't go to doctor's anymore (except if I need a diagnosis). Other people may recommend anti-depressants but in my opinion only a fool would believe they're the answer. I've previously tried therapy (CBT) but found it to be no use for me. I've read dozens of self-help books and generally have tried to cope well in this situation. It's difficult not to feel an extreme amount of anger and frustration towards the medical company and the makers of this drug (who also made Tamiflu - for swine flu - which has reports of long-term health problems, i.e. depression). I know for fact that Roche (the drug makers) knew of the dangerous effects of taking the drug long before I took it. The label has changed over the last few years, but I was completely misled. It helped my acne, but if I had on known the consequences of taking this drug, I would never have taken it. It angers me that they're untouchable billionnaires. They should be in jail, but the world just doesn't seem to bring justice. I've tried to stop other people taking the poisonous Roaccutane (that I believe gets stored in the body, causing toxicity throughout the body) by making YouTube videos, and writing my book, but I'm not really getting anywhere with it.

I have spent thousands of pounds and hours of my time looking for a way out of this terrible mess, but it's all been to no avail. I have been unemployed for a few months now. I left my job (an office job) at the end of July. Mainly, this way because the job was extremely dull, I was very depressed, I wanted to focus on getting my health back into a good state etc. Ever since I've got nowhere. It feels like I've taken a back-step and often I feel like I might as well give up. I get fed up of coping and miss having a normal life. I'm so afraid of getting out there again, and to be honest don't have much enthusiasm towards life anymore.

I'm talented at song-writing (www.youtube.com/SALmusique for some of my songs) and this would be my dream career, but I'm just far too scared. I started drama classes to try and get some on-stage confidence, but after 20 weeks of it, it hasn't really helped. I do enjoy it, but I have this thing about eye-contact. It's always on my mind. My eyes look red and like I'm on drugs most of the time and it's horrible.

Each area of my life is failing right now. Relationships are pretty sh*t, I'm low on money (I did save up before leaving my job, but petrol etc eats away at the wallet), my health is bad and I worry far too much. I feel like I'm running out of options now. My body just doesn't seem to be able to recover. I know my liver has been damaged by Roaccutane, despite what blood-tests might say. If you were to overdose on Vitamin A, you'd get similar effects. I do sometimes get hopeful, when I read an inspirational book or something, but it never lasts. I read too much online about this drug and when I hear of people living with the side effects for 20 years, my dreams are shattered.

This has been a long entry, so thank you if you have read it.
I suppose I'm looking to ask what you'd do in my position?
In one sense, I know what I should do. I should accept what has happened, though continue to want to change and support my health. I should give up feeling angry towards the medical industry and Roche, because it doesn't solve anything. I should include as many things I enjoy as I can. I like xbox, reading, music, walks, relaxing and other things. I should realise that other people are going through what I am, because I often just feel so alone. I should be grateful for those in my life who love me. Despite everything, I do have a girlfriend who has stuck by me throughout this. Adrenal fatigue (and I'm heading towards adrenal exhaustion - meaning I'll be extremely tired, and possibly bed-bound) is said to be caused by stress, so I need to find ways of enjoying life and forgetting how things 'should be'. Much easier said than done of course, but I think I need to do something massive to change my circumstances...

At the moment, I am looking for another job - similar to what I was doing before. I hated retail when I worked in a supermarket (mainly due to my insecurities) so my options seem quite limited. I have about £2000 left. I had £6,500 when I left off work just a few months ago (Car insurance, food and other things have come into account). I mainly want to boost my money again so I can afford to keep seeing my nutritionist, and enjoying things. I plan to start playing a sport with my girlfriend each week. Something nice and easy, like badminton. I do believe if I was waking up with a purpose it'd make a massive difference to my life. At first, while off work, I was excited and hopeful. I recorded an acoustic album at home and was going for walks in the sunshine. Now, it's become a burden to be sitting at home most days thinking about how pathetic my life is. I think my best bet would be to do a health course (something like nutrition) but I'd have to travel to/live in London for this, and I'm afraid of moving away.. At the moment, I couldn't do it. I don't feel well enough. It would also cost lots of money, but hey - what can you do?

Any further guidance would be very much appreciated!

Indy