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Mental health - do I need help?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
First of all, I decided to put this in health over relationships because I'd like to focus primarily on why I act in certain ways rather than the effect it has on others.

I'm a horrible, manipulative person when it comes to women. But, I'm clever with it. I've always been like it; my first relationship - my childhood sweetheart, it was prevelant but it just seems to have got more intense as I've got older so for the sake of not writing a dissertation on the matter I'll mainly focus on my most recent relationship which ended a few weeks ago.

I'm one of the most charming people you're ever likely to meet, not my own admission - what I've been told by several partners. I know how to play people, how to tap into people's raw emotions, how to make people feel good and more often than not I play God with it.

I spent the first 6 months of my most recent relationship being the most caring, doting boyfriend you could possibly imagine. About every romantic gesture imaginable, and we fell deeply in love. I'd like to point out, at this stage, it was very much a mutual thing, I was very much in love with her too.

Then one day, something inside me changed. It was a sudden realisation this girl truly loved me, would do anything for me, was completely at my mercy. Whether I admit it was at a conscious or subconscious level, it was there. Obviously by then I knew her inside out, and I spent the next few months picking her apart meticulously over things I knew she had a complex over. It was subtle things, not your average "you look fat in that dress", it was far more involved than that. Regardless, the end result was she was left with zero self confidence - she even made a suicide attempt once. Of course, being the doting boyfriend I am, I was more than happy to lap up the praise from her parents for being so supportive, and for them being ever-so-grateful I was there amidst fears the worst could have happened.

Anyway, by this point she was a wreck, and let me make it clear I never once was violent, either physically nor did I ever threaten a violent act so can we please not go down that avenue. It "turned me on" knowing I could have such a huge impact on this girl, just by an almost indecipherable change in my tone of voice she would automatically change her whole demeanour, especially when out in public. Shit, I had it that nailed even her closest of friends didn't realise what was going on.

Skip forward, we split upon somewhat amicable terms. This is where the majority of my worries came to a head. I'm a good looking guy, I do get a lot of attention from women but my self image portrayal is crazy - sometimes I would look in the mirror and laugh, wondering what I was doing with such a pathetic specimin, thinking she should be begging at my feet to keep me. Then others, I would look at myself, and see nothing more than a measly, ugly coward (probably a lot closer to the truth). There is never any middle ground with me. Either I'm up with the Gods, or I'm vermin.

Despite my charming nature with women, I often put myself through intense isolation periods, almost as a means of redemption. I'm altogether not in a very stable place. Sometimes when I think about all the harm I've caused I put on films like "Salo: 120 days of sodom" as background fodder to make me feel better (IMDB it) which afterwards, immediately afterwards, I acknowledge isn't normal behaviour, but it helps me. The question is, am I quirky? Or do I have issues? Our local doctors surgery is very busy, I can only imagine trying to get out even a fraction of what I have just now he would be ticking at his watch.

I understand a lot of girls will read this is absolute disgust, and I fully understand, but I'm trying to get help and not repeat history. Even the past few weeks, I've been texting someone, we slept together only 2 weeks ago, and in a much sped up process I led her on to almost unimaginable lengths then took immense satisfaction in watching her suffer as I ignored her and told her in no uncertain terms I wanted nothing to do with her. So can we please leave the venom, I know I'm a bastard all constructive replies are very welcome. Thankyou.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    dunno, it sounds like youve either got some sort of personality disorder, full on, or borderline.

    Either that or just a cunt
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think its really helpful for you to have realised what you have been doing - thats a huge step towards making positive changes.

    Without going into what diagnosis you may or may not have, I think the fact you've made this post indicates you feel you have issues which need addressing (I would agree with this). Have you asked yourself why you've done the things you have? That might be a good starting point.

    Talking to a doctor is not always easy, maybe printing this out and letting him have a quick read might help. You could also see if your local area have a self referral gateway service. If your dr isn't really understanding, ask to be referred to the community mental health nurse (ask for a male if you think that would be easier), and go from there. Alternatively Relate also give single people relationship counselling, and that might be helpful for you to get and idea of why it is you do what you do and give you strategies to help you stop and form better habits.

    I hope you're able to get some support with this
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi

    Not a lot more I feel I can add to Miss_Riot's post. Some really good advice there.

    It does seem you have an lot of insight into the reasons why your relationship didn't work out. That's always a good starting point when trying to get to a solution for future relationships etc.

    I would recommend speaking to your doctor about any issues you feel your facing, it would probably give you some piece of mind to know you have spoken to a professional.

    Let us know how things get on.

    Phil :)
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Boards Champion
    Miss_Riot wrote: »

    Talking to a doctor is not always easy, maybe printing this out and letting him have a quick read might help. You could also see if your local area have a self referral gateway service. If your dr isn't really understanding, ask to be referred to the community mental health nurse (ask for a male if you think that would be easier), and go from there.

    :yes: just wanted to drop in with a link to Advice Guide which explains what might happen if you approach professionals. Good luck. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    agreeing with suzyscreamcheese, just sounds like u r emotionally abusing people to make yourself feel better, but don't quote me on that
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