Home Health & Wellbeing

Major triggering !!!! Please help :(

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
dont know where to start,
Ive been depressed for many many years and now its getting riduclaus and behond a joke!!
im not getting anywhere with my care worker who i havent seen in many weeks because i want a new one but they wont let me cos my care worker knows me better than others

I cry nearly every day and cry myself to sleep,
i hate the days and wish them away, i burn myself untill blister and cut quite bad at times which i ent done in while cos i know ill do it too far i even wrote a poem about how ill die ill attach it at end..im constantly thinking theres only one way out (suicide) and week today tried to kill myself,, i hate myself so much i restrict and punch at my discusting fat ugly vile body!!!!
I want to beat this eating disorder but i feel so gulity fat and a complete failure eating a sandwhich!! i let people treat me like shit and abuse and assult me ! i cant stop crying im pathetic and shud b dead

I'm more scared of living than i am dying... i have nothing to live for and feel i have nothing to give!! i feel the tears coming writing this cos i reali want to be happy but no matter how hard i try i feel depressed and noone listens takes me seriously ,, if i killed myself now no1 will notice!! i dont know what else to say other than id like to go now

heres what i wrote called save me :

Save me
She is feeling incredibly depressed,
No-one seems to really care,
They just seem to sit there and stare,
She is really not impressed,
Why would she care,
No-one cares about her its only fair,
She feels so alone and afraid,

Tears start too fall down her face,
Head in her arms,
Bawling her eyes out,
No-one seems to be about,

She trys her hardest to say how she feels,
She gets pushed away,
No-one understands she no longer whats to staym

She spots a very sharpe blade,
Grabs it very quickly,
She strongly wants to cut at her wrist,
she cannot resist,
She cuts so deep theres no going back,
She starts to tremble and starts starts to go very pale,
I think her heart is beginning to fail,
She is in shock she SCREAMS!!!!!!!

No-one hears her peircing screams,
she tryscalling for help no-one answers,
There's no sound,
Her body is so cold and frail it crashes to the ground,

She then realises no ones coming to her resuce
and gives up the fight,
She becomes weaker and weaker, colder and colder,
She is very afraid,
Maybe if someone noticed she was so blue,
she wouldnt be here right now fighting for her life,
but no one had a clue,

With her final breathe she whispers "HELP ME"!
She finally stops shaking,
Her lips are blue,
Her face is white,
She lays there lifeless in a puddle of blood,
She is no longer breathing,
No more hurt no more pain and no more tears,
Just complete silence.

another one called close to death

Close to Death
I feel so down and alone,
that i'm close to death,
Im trying my hardest to keep positive ,
and just to get through the day
But deep down i feel so blue,
And no-one has a clue,
Strongly want to cut at my wrists,
The urges are getting so hard to resist,
i feel so hopeless and a complete no-body,
I feel like ive been ripped apart,
I get strong urges to cut at my throat ,
I'm so tempted to leave everyone behind but do i leave a note,
Dont you worry about me im fine,
you dont care because you never have the time,
Really wanted to kill myself last night,
and you wouldnt even know that i have given up the fight,
So stressed that i cannot find the words,
I just want to die,
and this is not a lie,

I feel like most people are just out to get me,
Pretending that they really care,
I feel so scared that ill soon get pushed away,
I don't think there is any one who would want me to stay,
I cant think straight i feel so angry inside,
I just want to be someone and not just a pathetic excuse of a human being,

So many disturbing flashbacks and thoughts in my head,
That i strongly wish that i was dead

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey dg - it sounds like you're feeling really overhwelmed at the moment and like your options are closing in. I'm sorry that things with your care worker aren't going so well - why do you want a new one at the moment? Do you think if you could see someone new things might feel a bit better?

    You said you're more scared of living that you are of dying and when I think about that, life is extremely scary - we're vulnerable to the world around us and we have to learn to cope with whatever is thrown at us, that's not easy and it's ok to be struggling right now.

    Here at TheSite.org we're listening and I'm really glad that you posted. There are a few things you might like to try... first off, we have a direct email link through to the Samaritans on our Need Help Now page, here's the link, you could even send them what you have posted here and they will respond to you: http://www.thesite.org/community/askthesite/helpinacrisis

    You can also reach out to someone that you trust - talk to a friend maybe? Try not to isolate yourself even if that's what you feel like doing. Don't forget too that crying yourself to sleep is going to be really exhausting and as soon as your sleep is interrupted your moods are bound to suffer. Could you do something before bed to calm you down, read or listen to music maybe?

    B-eat also run a helpline specifically for young people, have you ever tried it? Here's the info, they have text and online services too :)http://www.b-eat.co.uk/get-help/online-community/young-people/

    Finally, live chat is always worth coming along to, distractions can be useful to give you a bit of a lift when you're feeling like this. There's a chat tonight from 8pm (Monday).

    Let us know how you're feeling and big hugs *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey jo... Firstly Thank you SOOOO much for replying to this.. no1 was replying and was ready to just give up!! Its been a week since i tried to kill myself and was ready to do it again... im soooooo terid its unreal exchausted and one and truely fed up if im honest,

    I want and need a new care worker because we DONT get on we clash and she upset and triggered me to burn because said my sexual assult werent that bad as could of been worse and been rape,,, i told her manager and he said that she said she never said that and she said most services help with more serious issues like rape and not assult :mad: im so mad cos she didnt bloody say that !!! just because im shy and dont stand up for myself she thinks can be horrible !! Ive gotten advice of others and most people say fight for a new care worker even tho manager thinks b best to stick with mine as knows me well, i ent seen her for over a month after her saying that but ive started therapy kinda groups so i NEED and HAVE to have a care worker to do them... i dont know what to do can u help pls?

    To make this short - friends - got none fell out with one for good as ripped family off and spreads ma shit over facebook ie i cut
    dont need her bringing me down even more
    i talk to a new friend whos also a counsellor BUT NOT MINE, shes lovely and helps as best as can but she says shes scared ill end up dead soon cos no1s helping or listening and shes right tho,

    ive contacted Beat ive had group sessions and 1-1 nothing works cos its all the pure gulit bringing me down as felt lost control and thats what i need in my life control cos i was sexually abused aged 18 and felt need to gain control for that and not even a year ago i was sexually assulted and now i defo feel need more control,

    Thanks for the hugs could reali do with one :crying:
  • LauraOLauraO ********* Posts: 535 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
    Hey depressedgal,

    I can see your last post was a couple of days ago, how are you feeling now?

    It sounds like the issue with your case worker is really getting you down, and you can't make any positive steps forward or join any therapy groups without trying to resolving this first.

    Have you thought about chatting to the manager again, and explaining as you have to us the reasons you would like a new case worker? Perhaps you could write down the instances and details of when you feel your current case worker has let you down or said something that you think is inappropriate. If you then try to chat to the manager calmly with this as back-up then perhaps she will take it more seriously and take your thoughts into consideration. What do you think?

    Did you think about contacting the Samaritans on email as Jo suggested the other day? Did this help?

    It sounds as though you are feeling alone right now, but remember we are here to listen. As Jo suggested, why not pop along to a live chat again soon - there is one tonight and tomorrow night 8-10pm. It might make you feel a bit better to have a chat with other people.

    *hug*

    LauraO
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Laura,
    sorry took ages to reply it wudnt let me on the page :(
    yesturday i had a break down couldnt stop harming myself :( nor crying.. my key worker felt helpless cos was too tearful to speak,
    i tried talking to this text helpline but didnt reali help this friend of mine noticed when im in a state its hard to get me outta it,
    i feel pretty useless right now laura to be honest and iim not sleepin
    life sucks but im hoping will turn better pretty quick cos if im honest only so much more i can take xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know how it feels

    hey.... i know how it feels, when engulfed with all those things,,,,, but u know.... its ur life after all... so why u think of those people.... after all its ur life....

    hey... i want to help u.... i know u might not be interested in.... but still i can try,,,,


    shriyans
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Firstly, hey Shryians, welcome to TheSite :wave:

    I'm sure DG will appreciate hearing from you - just a reminder that it's not ideal to share personal info like email addy/skype until you get to know someone a little better. If you have some advice or supportive words you'd like to share based on what you've read here then it's best to start by writing it in a forum post. I hope that makes sense. :)

    depressedgal, last time you were online you mentioned problems with your support worker - it's sounds like self-harm is your way of coping with the horrible feelings you're battling with at the moment and you're finding it harder and harder to to talk about those feelings without breaking down. Firstly try not to be too hard on yourself and remember that the friend who is worried about you is there for a reason - she can see that you deserve to get better.

    Also, sometimes if you've only just self-harmed and you're still feeling really emotional ,you might not be in a position to talk to your support worker about your feelings and how you can move forward from the painful experiences you're going through at the moment. When the raw panic and distress has subsided though, that's when you might feel more able to talk about it and how you can find ways to cope next time you're feeling like you might be reaching a particularly low point.

    Like you, I take comfort from reading and writing poetry - writing can be a great outlet, yet often the best kind of poetry is that which identies difficult experiences, but is also life affirming (shows why we're alive) and recognises hope for the future - even if it's in the smallest thing. The Self-Injury support website has some lovely poetry written by young women just like you. It's all collated with some art work on a PDF called Ride On - take a look and see what you think. Maybe you could get in touch with them to see if you could contribute to anything they do like this in the future. Let me know which ones you like! :)

    Also, really sorry you had trouble getting online the other day - lots of people have told me there's been a slow down with the boards which I'm looking in to.

    Keep posting to let us know how you're getting on. *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hi helen hi shryians thanks hun but we ent allowed to mail eachother :( thnx anyway means alot.

    helen reali reali struggling tonight so im guessing u wont b on board no1 ever is when reali need them :'(
    I write potery loads also but its very depressing ones oh well
    u dont wanna read mine will trigger the hell outta u !
    i went doctors today she cant help only mental health team can but didnt listen when i sed ent seen them in ages asDONT get on and i wanted a new one but wont let me and doc wont give me anti depressants cos im impulsive grrrrr i dont know what to say helen i reali dont i feel numb and depressed i want to give up night xxxxxxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    depressedgal *hug* sorry you're going through a bad time.

    I think the gp is probably worried about not having all the facts, it's difficult when other teams are involved and they have to be careful not to go against any treatment that is already in place, I know that just makes it more frustrating.

    How would you feel about writing a letter to the manager at the mental health team? I know you've already tried to request a different worker but think it might be worth showing them you're serious. Maybe write explaining that you're commited to improving your mental health and recognise that you need support, don't bash the worker too much just briefly explain that you're not comfortable.

    Don't give up we're all here for you,

    dp :heart:
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