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Friend with benefits issues??
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I really dont know whats going on or why i feel like this so i hope someone can help me.
So i have this friend with benefits, we've only met up a couple of times last year when its been convenient for both of us, and its amazing, he's honestly the best i've had, he's the first guy i've met who actually puts more effort into pleasuring me than himself. We never see each other these days (he's obviously waiting for me to move home from uni) but we talk online and on cam.
Every time we talk, we flirt a bit and then it ends up him wanting to 'play' and stuff. I've done it before on cam with him but i'm not all that comfortable with it, i just feel too self conscious about myself to enjoy it. I would like to do it again but i just feel put on the spot to a) be sexy for him and b) get off myself, which i just cant do with someone watching me.
So he's there doing his thing, trying to get me to join in and i just dont say anything. I feel guilty i suppose, i want to be there and help pleasure him, and cos we dont see each other this is the only way (for now), but i feel too self conscious and then guilty for not doing it and worried i'm going to scare him off. I dont want his impression of me to be from that, in real life im not at all shy or self conscious and i dont want him to think i am.
Aaagghh im so confused, i dont want to lose him as a FWB but i dont know what else to do
So i have this friend with benefits, we've only met up a couple of times last year when its been convenient for both of us, and its amazing, he's honestly the best i've had, he's the first guy i've met who actually puts more effort into pleasuring me than himself. We never see each other these days (he's obviously waiting for me to move home from uni) but we talk online and on cam.
Every time we talk, we flirt a bit and then it ends up him wanting to 'play' and stuff. I've done it before on cam with him but i'm not all that comfortable with it, i just feel too self conscious about myself to enjoy it. I would like to do it again but i just feel put on the spot to a) be sexy for him and b) get off myself, which i just cant do with someone watching me.
So he's there doing his thing, trying to get me to join in and i just dont say anything. I feel guilty i suppose, i want to be there and help pleasure him, and cos we dont see each other this is the only way (for now), but i feel too self conscious and then guilty for not doing it and worried i'm going to scare him off. I dont want his impression of me to be from that, in real life im not at all shy or self conscious and i dont want him to think i am.
Aaagghh im so confused, i dont want to lose him as a FWB but i dont know what else to do
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Comments
If you don't like camming, and you don't find it arousing, then don't do it. Explain to him that you don't like it, don't find it arousing and don't want to do it. If he likes looking at your naked body, would you be happy sending him a few photos (if you can trust him), or camming with his video feed turned off?
As an alternative, would a text messenger be any good for you? It's often easier to be very erotic in words rather than in pictures, as you can paint a picture in your imagination that you can't do on a webcam. It's easy to imagine being tied up or dominated or whatever with words, but with a webcam it can often just end up with you watching him stroke his penis. I can appreciate that that perhaps isn't the most erotic experience you'll ever have.
I think i'll try to talk to him about it again - thing is, i want to be ok with it but have to be in the right mood to enjoy it. Also once he starts pressurring me, trying to get me to do, that just puts me off even more.
The good thing about being naked in the same room as each other is that you know exactly who else is there seeing you. I get a bit worried when I do camera stuff that there might be someone else just out of view. Er, not to make you more paranoid, but that might be subconsciously why you're more self-conscious.
There is also the control thing- on the internet, you have no control with what he does with the video- and there's also the fact that you are effectively making gurning come-faces into a box of plastic.
Hmm, if you're sending pics just don't put your face in it. If you want to be sure that nobody is there, 5am is a pretty good time to do it. As someone once said to me "if my friends were here watching they'd be very bored and have fallen asleep by now" Another trick, have him sit in a corner while you're both on cam ALWAYS keep a copy of the pics he sends you, and let him know you keep them. That way he knows if screws you around, you have something on him and you don't even need to say you'll use them...he'll be too worried you will.
To the OP, if this is something YOU want to do but find camming on its own a bit of a turn off...then get him to talk to you through it, if that isnt an option text is also good but its a pain constantly stopping to type stuff. And like i said if you want to feel a bit more at ease, get him to sit in a corner so you know nobody else is watching .
I think next time i'll get him to slow down a bit and kind of walk through it so it doesnt feel like im being pressured so much, cos that just makes me feel even more self conscious
I agree with the previous point about perhaps talking on the phone while camming, it can provide a distraction and a more human interface to make the process seem a bit less mechanical/clinical.
Just a couple of thoughts...