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my life (poems)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
This is my first attempt to express myself in way that did not require prompted and questioning - also my first attempt at writing a poem. Here it goes...

Its hard to say
What me makes me feel this way.
I don't want say
what my thoughts have to play.

I'm I cracking up?
Crumbling at the edges?
Fallen into the great dark abyss?

I can't make head or tail
Of my thoughts or how I feel
My mind is just
W
..H
....I
....R
...L
....I
.....N
.....G
And
......W
........H
........I
......R
.....L
.......I
........N
..........G
And
..W
....H
......I
.......R
......L
....I
..N
G

While I sit on my own
Surrounded by everyone:
Family, friends, collegues and strangers
Whilst darkness emminates from within
Slowly grasping normality
T
...W
......I
...S
.....T
........I
......N
....G

........C
..........O
.........N
.......T
.....O
...R
....T
...I
.....N
.......G

...T
.....W
....I
.......S
.........T
...........I
.........N
.......G
It into what it is not

What do I have to do
To make the candle burn bright enough
For my inner demons to shoo
For this lifes journey has been rough

I was once shocked
By lifes evils
But my heart is locked
when it crept in like a weasel

I was once innocent
But it didn't last
Advantaged by an older gent
Now I can't get rid of my past

I thought I had escaped
To a land of a new start and promises
But it was shattered by attempted rape
Taking weed and alcohol rinses

Living on three cuppa soups
And a bottle of water
My weight did stoop
But my mind was like a mortar

Help did come just on time
In the form of work and being cadet
How my life started to climb
And my past I began to forget

Its been awhile since I escaped
But it has found me again
Hanging on my gate
Wanting to stop my reign

It has slipped in
Playing hell within me once more
In my head is an awful din
Entering old wounds I once wore

I am trying my best
To refreign from carving my skin
Putting on lifes kevlar vest
Stopping myself is so frigging
Hard self discipline is at test

Maybe one day I will be free
To rise, to soar, to laugh
Enjoy life and forget what used to be
And finally yell HUH RAHH

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My life - Torn

    Just couldn't help the low standard or the crap within - feel free to comment

    I thought I had I normal one
    Laughing, playing all so innocent
    I thought it part of growing up
    To get a slap here, a punch there and a kick

    It wasn't regular or systimatic
    Just when I done something wrong
    Talked back, scuff my shoe, struggle with homework
    or spilled my dinner

    I feared for the next barrage
    I feared what would be classed as wrongs
    I often prayed for courage
    And seeked help and guidence from songs

    Yet among the fear was confusion
    Surely my mother loved me
    After all she gave me hug after each bruising
    Surely it must be true

    Then there was primary school
    From the first day to the last
    I received some form of bullying
    Fatty, thicko, one eye, speccy, go on feel my mast

    Teacher told me I was too stupid
    To do anything even my 11 plus
    Constant downgrading made me livid
    Even then I tried jumping infront of a bus.

    My years at primary left me inept
    And they failed me caus ei wasnt a teachers pet
    I struggled in life and academic subjects
    To which fear of failure, i do fret

    I was socially challanged
    Believed I was mentally inferior
    Thought I was deranged
    Going to skin chickens for a career

    Then I went to high school
    Totally different ball game
    I was like the spare unwanted tool
    Only this time they weren't tame

    I did not fit in
    No matter hard I tries
    You had the farmers or the culchies
    But I was neither - stuck in their demise

    The farmers - great strength they had
    How many time I felt their fist
    The culchies - all fashion clad
    From their raging mouths I felt their spit

    During this I time watched painfully
    As my dear great gran
    Died in my arms in agony
    From this I raised above to succeed

    Just to make her proud
    so she could say to the angels
    See there my little kerry
    Through truimph and pain she will soldier

    And then my mother was diagnosed
    With all these things I don't understand
    In and out of hospital
    For something she had for years

    From this I didn't blame her
    For the slaps, punches or kicks
    I just blamed this new thing
    For her bad temper and need to beat

    She got married again
    The bastard tried to say I was his
    Two sibling I did gain
    The thought of killing him was bliss

    Responsibility did fall to me
    Hang on here I'm trying to do GCSE's
    Often escaped to the forest of Tandragee
    To get a moment feeling free

    Cooking, cleaning, ironing
    Nappy's, bottles, scraming baby
    Studying was pushed aside
    The fucked cycle starts again - the next day

    Again I thought this was normal
    I got a part time job to pay
    For driving lessons HA
    I should have seen it coming

    With this I had to pay rent
    For what I asked
    to look after your kids, house and stomach
    Finally mum seen the light

    She began to resent him as much as me
    Bit there was nothinh she could do
    I stopped meself from a killing spree
    Whilst I held the baby I did coo

    See here I have it
    My 'childhood' in a 'poem'
    The pieces are beginning to fit
    That my life is meant to be torn.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lifes warning *graphic*

    To my life you made hell
    How I desire to make you pay
    But in court how would my plea sell
    Now that I wish I can kill you everyday

    As you can see I'm like jekyll and hyde
    By the day my demenour
    Makes you think I have taken it in my stride
    But at night I plan your torture

    Firstly I will begin with sensual starvation
    And when I want to play
    I will force you into stress positions
    And lay my fists into your flesh

    Don't think I'm soft
    For this is only the beginning
    For when I get bored of playing
    I will get down to business

    I will remove your nails with pliers
    Break every bone one by one
    Take pleasure from
    Ripping your balls off

    Then I will start to play again
    Putting my cordless drill
    Through your knobbly knees
    And shave your head just for kicks

    But this is where I get indecisive
    How to decide on your death
    Quick and gory
    Or slow and painfull

    I could possibly fed you a seditive
    And then carry out an 'autopsy'
    Grasp your heart in my hand
    And rip it out good and proper

    Or I can watch in joy
    As I hook you up
    To replace your all important blood
    With embalming fluid

    For now this is only
    A dream, a disire, a lust
    Just you wait for the day
    I can't take it no more and you go to hell
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yet another poem *may trigger*

    This is a poem that falls out from the poem i done earlier (my life) when i made reference to an 'older gent'. I have been living with this guilt from some time and reasoned with myself it was normal at the time. he called it 'our affair' as he had a wife and teenage boys to which the youngest was a year younger than me.

    Feel free to comment

    BEN - is this really OUR affair

    When I first met you,
    you were just an instructor.
    That soon changed as you grew
    fond of me - you were quite a charmer.

    So it began
    to me you groomed.
    You must of had a plan
    As the 'friendship' slowly bloomed.

    Firstly it was kind compliments,
    to which i believed and fell for.
    Never before had i had such 'special' treatments
    even though you knew it was against the rules of the Corps.

    Then it was your constant 'accidental' touch.
    When i leaned over, stood, in a chair i would sit
    even during uniform measurement - your hand did brush.
    i was too young to have any wit.

    You got friendly with my mum
    So you take me home after parade.
    So it began - what have you become?
    On me you preyed.

    You would take the journey of track,
    Up a lane you'd stop the car,
    To then you would attack.
    O' what monster you are!

    Not even at the age of consent,
    you stopped me from being innocent,
    when over the bonnet you had me bent.
    with each thrust the deeper you went.

    As time progressed,
    I became your unresisting pleasure toy.
    My life befoer me digressed,
    There was nothing I could enjoy.

    Now I have escaped,
    But you have left your impression,
    in my life you partly shaped.
    In a way i guess your grasp has tightened.

    Never before has anyone known
    our dirty little secret
    you had me well trained - not even a groan
    you effectively turned me into a tartlet.

    Its a secret no more,
    as I write bad poetry.
    Thankfully you also left the Corps,
    Even if it meant me leaving the country.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    New bike

    I know its another long one but I can't seem to do short ^^)
    Feel free to comment would love some feed back

    The excitment I felt for getting my new machine
    You see I'm traded my old
    For the brand spanking new
    As my baby screamer wasn't doing as its told

    Forever in bits in the shed
    Bits I haven't changed getting few and few
    Often thinking it should be left for dead
    Then all of a sudden life would spew

    Even the 2 stroke smell couldn change my mind
    Nor would its quirky ring ting sound
    Its most forgiving powerband you could find
    To the dealer for a swap it was bound

    Got out of work early one glorious friday
    Shot down to the dealer
    To collect the new baby - my heart was in melody
    Joy just to see let alone touch her

    In bright red my baby was born
    Aggresive lines and purring engine
    Delightful mid ship muffler, her funny horn
    The perfect match like tonic to gin.

    I kitted up all ready to ride
    Take my baby yami out for the first time
    My heart overwhelmed by a joyious tide
    For my yami rode like a dime

    Took it nice and easy on my way home
    Listening to my engine purr and roar
    But I still ended up on my dome
    As I crashed to the floor

    Its funny how time feels so slow
    As you fly through the air
    I swear I could see grass grow
    I asked against the ground how will I fair

    Tumbling through the air like an acrobat
    Sun, sky, ground, bike, cars
    THUD why did I have to faceplant
    Now I'm rolling like an egg down a hill
    Sun, sky, ground, bike, cars

    I have gone to the other side of the road
    Still rolling is it ever going to end
    Sun, sky, ground, bike, cars
    Ground, pothole, lorry

    I'm sliding which must be good
    I look up and I see LORRY
    SHIT SHIT SHIT
    I close my eyes and await impact

    Am I dead I open my eyes
    Through my shattered visor I can see
    The lorries tyre an inch away
    Nostrils filled from the smell of his brakes

    I jump to my feet to dust myself off
    But to the floor I fell down
    Oh how my father will scoff
    In embarrassment I will drown

    People running and shouting
    Are you ok?
    Their abilities I am doubting
    I've just came off do think I'm ok?

    Again I tried to jump up and go to my baby
    For she needs a hug for she's lying there alone
    Injured and needing help - just maybe
    Sit down came a serious tone

    From the sun came the rain
    The paramedics been and gone
    Gingerly pushing the bike for we're both lame
    Pain I felt none

    Pain did come out to play
    Along with the grieve for my bereavement
    Physio followed to make the pain go away
    My mind was till in torment

    Two months later I was back on
    This time I made it home ever since
    Into the sun I am gone
    On my bike in rays so dense
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just for fun

    Just For Fun

    One May Bank Holiday
    In a land so far away
    Well in the arse hole of Scotland anyway
    Me and my mates went out to play

    Up at the crack of dawn
    Sleepy eyes and groggy heads
    We ate our breakfast on the lawn
    All wanting to back to our beds

    We travelled to a splendid river
    Wet suit, helmet and harnesses - check
    In the cool air I began to shiver
    I'm going to have fun - what the heck

    I look over to the waterfall of Reeke Linn
    Get hooked up and ready to go
    By Jeebus my nerves kick in
    Edging to the edge oh so slow

    My heart begins to pound
    THUD THUD THUD
    Is the sound
    THUD THUD THUD

    Half way down I stop to look
    The spray like smoke its water like silk
    It so beautiful like in a fairy tale book
    My fear of heights began to wilt

    Adrenaline coursing my veins
    I leap and bound to the end
    Can I go back up to do it again?
    As I watch another start the descend

    The fun is only getting started on this weekend
    We drifted down the river rapids
    Picking up pace, submerged re-amerged bumping my rear end
    As the river cushed it become more of a ballad

    We reached our destination its time to leave
    To trek and climb to the gorge
    For more adrenaline would you believe
    All filled with happiness you couldn't forge

    Over the edge I did look
    Gulp the drop must be at least 30 feet
    Thinking oh holy fook
    This going to be no mean feat

    My heart yet again begins to pound
    THUD THUD THUD
    Everyone encourging me in the background
    I began to chew my cud

    I took a few steps back and began to run
    There is no turning back now
    Is this really what we call fun
    I yell as loud as my voice will allow

    Falling falling falling to the rock pool below
    I plunge into the ice cold waters
    The cheers and laughter we all bellow
    We must all be nutters

    Never before had so much fun
    In such glorious weather
    Over my fears I had won
    Its true what they say never say never
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ride to nowhere

    Sitting in the garden all highly polished
    I have spent ages perfecting that shine
    Lots of love has been lavished
    Not to show her off would be a crime

    I climb into my leathers oh so hot and sticky
    I choose my devil lid for that's the mood I'm in
    This heat makes kitting up a lil bit tricky
    I start her up what a glorious din

    Listening to her four stroke sing
    I rev her a little more
    Music in my ears it does ring
    Hearing my baby roar

    I start my journey on the road to nowhere
    A roads, B roads and country lanes
    Where ever my wheels dare
    I know not of any constrains

    Left turn, right turn, hairpins, twisties and sweepers
    Leaning the bike over more and more
    Pushing our capabilities testing the dangers
    With some more tyre still to explore

    This is what I call having fun rubber side down
    With knee down action and trying elbows too
    I'm really going to town
    While blasting past Bristol Zoo

    The funs addictive like cocaine
    I ride without a worry
    Adrenaline coursing my veins like octane
    The world around me oh so blurry

    I head home from the journey I had
    Clifton suspension bridge, weston super mare and looked at the state of stokes croft
    My mind still racing just a tad
    The idle purr is ohh so soft

    Now its time to clean
    To polish and shine
    How bright she does gleam
    Thinking I can't wait for the next time
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Emotionless

    THUD THUD THUD my temple is pulsating
    pupils constricting
    nostrils flaring
    Muscle tensing
    Yet again I am raging
    From my inabilities it so FUSTRATING

    Grrr grrr grrr is all I growl
    My attitude gone so foul
    Wiping the sweat with a towel
    But all I wanted to do is cry and howl

    This is where my problem lies
    I find it hard to express my emotions
    All I can do is keep them in then they pile and pile
    To a point the anger starts its motions

    What I can't understand is that I can laugh, smile, joke and sympathise
    Sometimes at the right time most often not
    But I never realise
    Read peoples body language I cannot

    I find it even more difficult
    When I can't talk face to face
    Always afraid I will cause insult
    Who's feelings will I graze

    People around me just think I'm aloof
    Distant, emiotionless or just plain cold hearted
    Dark, laidback or simply bad news proof
    I try to explain but my frustrations just gets started
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Death

    Was meant to be a poem but that has failed and as a result it is more of a vent outlet;

    Death


    Like rain waters flowing on a dry river bed effortlessly flowing and winding etching new paths tracing the surface easing the way for what is to follow.

    My eyes are the clouds that give rain to which the waters stream down my cheeks. These clouds often tease the said riverbed for they often dissappear for I have only cried a few times more often in death than for joy or pain.

    Yet again it was for watching a loved one join the world of the deceased slowly and painfully.

    You lay there on what was to become your deathbed rasping and gasping for what precious air with every breath getting shorter and shorter, shallow and weak. The noise it made is so vile no wonder they call it the death rattle.

    Your eyes glazing over as you slipped in and out you tried speaking but you were too weak soo much so your grip upon my hand loosened and loosened and got colder and colder as death drew nearer and nearer.

    The time between your breathes increased and increased until there was no more your heart had also seized so lifes pump has finally stopped

    Even though you were dead your eyes were open and your fingers twitched I guess that's part of the process but it this freak me out with that thousand yard stare as if to why didn't you speak up louder twis is all your fault

    To help you reach the other side I placed to pieces of silver on your eyes so you could pay the half way man - for I did not want you condemmed in this wretched place any longer than neccessary

    They say your first is the hardest and its true for I no longer weep at watching death at its work for I know he'll soon be knocking on my door to which I can welcome him like a friend and smile while I say come my friend its time we walk together.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you fail to see

    You fail to see
    What your doing to me
    You fail to see
    That your hurting me
    Tearing me apart
    Piece by piece by piece
    My life My pride My heart
    But you fail to see

    You fail to see
    I've been with each step of the way
    You fail to see
    I've sacrificed everything
    Time after time after time
    My past My present My future
    But you fail to see

    You fail to see
    My foundations are crumbling
    You fail to see
    I'm dying within
    Bit by bit by bit
    My character My soul My will
    But you fail to see
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I like this poem, you write well!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    awh thanks big time purple haze your kind words has meant a lot there :)

    Cheers

    KD
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Poem

    Why is it you hate me so much?
    Is it because I'm like my father,
    The man you used to love.
    Why is it you have such a controlling clutch?
    It becuase I'm like my fathers side of the family,
    The one you used to love.

    I already know the answers,
    So I'll never ask.
    I already I can't make you happy,
    So I'll never try.
    I already I can't do enough,
    So I'll never do.

    Why is it you leetch of me?
    Is it because I'm like my father,
    The man you used to love.
    Why is it you hurt me so?
    It becuase I'm like my fathers side of the family,
    The one you used to love.

    You hate my way of things
    You hate my thinking of things
    You hate my looks at things
    You hate my laugh at things
    You hate my speech and things
    You hate my walk and things

    When you look at me
    You just see him
    The man you used to love
    You tell me to stop being him
    But I am just being me
    Not the man you used to love
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Invisable

    I sit here on my own
    Watching the world go by
    Invisable in the shadows
    I sit here on my own

    I lie here in the dark
    Trying to stop my heart
    Invisable in the ground
    I lie here in the dark

    I stand here staring into the abyss
    My eyes vacant and empty
    Invisable in the emotions
    I stand here staring

    I haunch here in a pool of blood
    Red rivers flowing
    Invisable in the pain
    I'll die here in a pool of blood
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey K-Dwagg :wave:

    I've merged all of your seperate poem threads into one thread - it seems like you're getting a lot out of writing at the moment :)

    This way we can really see the progression and each time you have something new to write you can add to it :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    the nightmare

    I lay here in my bed,
    Cold sweat dripping,
    Limbs like lead,
    Stomach retching.

    Go back to sleep I do not dare,
    For my head is spinning.
    I've just had the nightmare,
    My heart is now pounding

    I have no recal of what it is,
    But its sent my mind racing,
    Asking what succomes me in this darkness,
    The answer never found - forever missing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    On a cold winters night

    I went on a walk on a cold winters night,
    To think things through.
    Hoping to gain an insight,
    but sense from my mind i could not construe

    Walking, Walking, Walking,
    The miles pass by.
    Walking, Walking, Walking,
    As the snow fell from the sky.

    I stopped and sat down,
    With my back against the fence.
    The pain of loneliness is too immense,
    In my sorrow i begin to drown.

    As I sit here,
    Drinking at my whiskey.
    As I sit here,
    The snowflakes are falling wildly.

    Nearly buried in the flurrly of snow,
    I begin to weep.
    As i have hit an all time low,
    I enter a troubled sleep.

    As i lie here,
    In a drunken stupor.
    As i lie here,
    Veins pulsing with devils amber.

    Blue lights wake me up,
    my tears frozen to my face.
    I just want to go to the pub,
    for I am still in this awful place.
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