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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
My boyfriend just ended a eight month realtionship with me after being in a long-distance for a week. It was NOT mutual and I saw no problem coming. His reason was that he wanted to be friends and didnt want a relationship.

I had already booked tickets to see him, so in two weeks I will be going to visit him and he has agreed to spend a day with me but as friends. He said he was pretty certain that he wasnt going to change his mind but that if it felt right it would happen.

I decided that while we are waiting for this day, I will work on getting over him so that if nothing happens I don't get too hurt. However I do want him back. So while there I was just going to be myself with him after all its me he fell for, but how can I do this and at the sametime not make him think "wow we can be good friends" but make him feel that he wants to BE with me. Also, what should I do in the build up?

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My money is on, that you can't just have a friendship with him, if you saw nothing wrong with the relationship and you will want him back, but it won't happen, or at least won't be like it was before. If I was you, I would try to cancel the tickets and get money back if that is possible. Won't be a pleasant trip, I tell you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, I have always trusted my gut instinct and it is telling me that seeing him WILL make a diffeerence. I have nothing to lose, we are living together next year and at least need to know we can manage that as friends. If we hang out, and I have worked on being over him too, and if nothing changes then hopefully I will at least see him as a friend.

    But I do have a plan.

    I was going to ensure that until then he is the one that contacts me, hence hoping he misses me or realises he made a mistake and also helping my healing process. When I go visit him I am going to look my best and where something that I know he likes. Spend the day with him having fun (we were a very playful couple and even the last time we saw each other we were all over each other) and I will ensure that it is like that. I am hoping that that alone will remind him what he is missng by not being with bu I wil subtely compiment him too, things like "Forgot how much you made me laugh" and "your looking good". Then in the evening take him for a few drinks, not get drunk but ya know relax him a tad and then start giggling over a random memory. Remind im why he fell for me but ewithout saying it. Maybe accidently try and take his hand and say "Oh sorry, just habit I guess".
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Anyone think thats a good idea!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    mizzesconfused wrote: »
    Anyone think thats a good idea!

    No. Absolutely 100% not a good idea.

    Don't contact him, don't go and see him until you are absolutely sure you're over it. You'll just end up more hurt, trust me.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ~~
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jamelia wrote: »
    This is a truly terrible plan. And here's why - from someone who has made similar plans myself in the past, and then seen them fail spectacularly.

    You've got the whole thing figured out in your head - how hot you're going to look, how cool and aloof you're going to be, how perfectly playful and flirty and coquettish you'll behave, how he'll realise what he's missing out on. Now maybe, just maybe, it'll all go exactly like you've scripted it, and things will end perfectly like you've designed for.

    But in all likelihood they won't. Something will go wrong, he won't react exactly like you're hoping he will, he will say or do something unexpected that makes it clear your plan isn't working and he's not falling for your charms again after all. You're putting on this guise of being cool and aloof and uninterested and so over him, while secretly deep down you're desperately still interested and hoping he falls head over heels in love with you again. I have played this exact game myself. What happens is, he believes your act, and thinks "oh great, she's over me, we can just be mates, that's a relief. I think I'll tell her about the latest girl I'm trying to fuck". Or something along those lines. And when that happens, your mask will slip off, you will reveal how much you want him back and how desperately you've been hoping he would fall head over heels in love with the new cool and aloof you, and your composure and poise will go out of the window, to be replaced by upset and drama and tears and tantrums.

    This is all extra likely if you're out drinking with him! And then you'll end up just looking slightly insane and unhinged, because one minute you're playing at being cool and uninterested, and the next minute you're upset and angry because he's not playing along with your master plan quite how he was supposed to. And this will make him desire you even less.

    Now perhaps this is just how it worked out for me when I tried similar plans to these - perhaps I was a bit more insane and unhinged and tearful than you would be, perhaps you could retain your composure when the whole plan comes crashing down around your ears. But the basic moral of the story is this - you cannot fake being over him if you're not. You cannot fake being cool and aloof and detached when deep down, you love him and you're hurting and you hope he's going to change his mind. Especially once alcohol is involved. The cracks will show, the game will be up and you'll be left more hurt and humiliated than you were before. For the sake of your sanity and dignity, take frankipanda's advice and keep well clear. If he wants you back, he'll let you know. But if he doesn't, no amount of game playing and strategizing will get him back, so you're best keeping your distance from him until you are genuinely ok with the idea of it being over.

    Of course, I fully expect you to disregard this advice, as that's what I would have done had someone said this to me! But I would bet money on me being right...

    100% yes.

    I'm not going to go into details because it's not fair on the people involved, but it WILL end in drama if you do what you say you're going to do. And it hurts. It really, very much hurts.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jamelia wrote: »
    This is a truly terrible plan. And here's why - from someone who has made similar plans myself in the past, and then seen them fail spectacularly.

    You've got the whole thing figured out in your head - how hot you're going to look, how cool and aloof you're going to be, how perfectly playful and flirty and coquettish you'll behave, how he'll realise what he's missing out on. Now maybe, just maybe, it'll all go exactly like you've scripted it, and things will end perfectly like you've designed for.

    But in all likelihood they won't. Something will go wrong, he won't react exactly like you're hoping he will, he will say or do something unexpected that makes it clear your plan isn't working and he's not falling for your charms again after all. You're putting on this guise of being cool and aloof and uninterested and so over him, while secretly deep down you're desperately still interested and hoping he falls head over heels in love with you again. I have played this exact game myself. What happens is, he believes your act, and thinks "oh great, she's over me, we can just be mates, that's a relief. I think I'll tell her about the latest girl I'm trying to fuck". Or something along those lines. And when that happens, your mask will slip off, you will reveal how much you want him back and how desperately you've been hoping he would fall head over heels in love with the new cool and aloof you, and your composure and poise will go out of the window, to be replaced by upset and drama and tears and tantrums.

    This is all extra likely if you're out drinking with him! And then you'll end up just looking slightly insane and unhinged, because one minute you're playing at being cool and uninterested, and the next minute you're upset and angry because he's not playing along with your master plan quite how he was supposed to. And this will make him desire you even less.

    Now perhaps this is just how it worked out for me when I tried similar plans to these - perhaps I was a bit more insane and unhinged and tearful than you would be, perhaps you could retain your composure when the whole plan comes crashing down around your ears. But the basic moral of the story is this - you cannot fake being over him if you're not. You cannot fake being cool and aloof and detached when deep down, you love him and you're hurting and you hope he's going to change his mind. Especially once alcohol is involved. The cracks will show, the game will be up and you'll be left more hurt and humiliated than you were before. For the sake of your sanity and dignity, take frankipanda's advice and keep well clear. If he wants you back, he'll let you know. But if he doesn't, no amount of game playing and strategizing will get him back, so you're best keeping your distance from him until you are genuinely ok with the idea of it being over.

    Of course, I fully expect you to disregard this advice, as that's what I would have done had someone said this to me! But I would bet money on me being right...

    Said it better than i ever could. Something that struck me earlier in the thread was the OP saying she was going to be "herself" as thats the girl he loved in the first place.

    Fact is that by planning out how she will behave, what she will say in such minute detail she is doing anything but being herself. She's just being what she thinks he wants her to be.

    Am sure most people have done this a some point or another and they would all tell you that even if it works to begin with it won't last forever...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    mizzesconfused wrote: »
    No, I have always trusted my gut instinct and it is telling me that seeing him WILL make a diffeerence. I have nothing to lose, we are living together next year and at least need to know we can manage that as friends. If we hang out, and I have worked on being over him too, and if nothing changes then hopefully I will at least see him as a friend.

    Is it going to be such a good idea to be living with him if things dont go to plan? Surely you can live at friends, but as others have said "what happens when he finds someone else"
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You guys are probably right but I'm hurting already.

    I have to go over there for business matters anyway, and I will be meeting up with him.

    Its insanely hard to explain but being the person I fell in love with is just being myself, it is me and I haven't changed since we got together. I decided that I am not going to drop the plan but that I will go over there and see what happens. I can only hope that spending time with me will mean that he realises what he is missing out on, you see when we are together we DO have loads of fun and hell remember that.

    It may not be right but I have never been in this position before and for me its the right thing, I trust my instinct and its saying to go for it so I am.

    I do have good self-restraint and won't make things awkward, I'm sipmply going to see my friend but hoping it feels right for him too.

    I have to do this, for me and if it fails well Ill have learnt but at least I know Ill have tried it.
    My nan and grandad split up, got back a month later and never rethought the decision, it does happen and if there is even a chance im one of the excpetions then so be it.


    Ill let you know how it goes and thank you all.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    mizzesconfused wrote: »
    I'm sipmply going to see my friend but hoping it feels right for him too.

    You're not, though. You're going there with the full intent and expectation that it'll be just the same as when you were together. You're not respecting his wishes. It will not go well that way.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    And what about my wishes? He ended it over the internet and gave no real reason, the day my grandfather (who has basically played the father role in my life) was put on a life support machine and two days before my 21st! I believe he at least he can do is give me a full explanation. As I said I am over there anywat but I'm not going to force it, if it happens it happens, if not then I wont have lost anything.

    Also, he has been given me mixed messages tbh. He talks and flirts with me still, and still says he misses me and loves me. I asked if, while out there, I could meet him and he said "Sure, be fun". I then said "as friends?" and he said "yes, and we shall see what happens, if it feels right then I will admit a mistake". I took that to mean there is a chances as, as I said earlier, I know how could we are when we are together.

    Although as time passes I am getting over him and ma less keen on the whole getting back together idea. I have taken on board some comments and the manner in which he ended it has made me doubt that I do want him back anyway.

    So I am going into the meeting with the same attitude as him, if it feels right itll happen.

    I am not even going to organise to meet him, but just see if we do.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    But I shall let you know what happens.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Personally, I think seeing him just after you've split up, will be so awkward.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ~
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    OP, I'm sorry for how your relationship has ended but this whole plan of yours just sounds like the beginning of a really bad film. Life isn't like that and you'll just end up creating a lot of misery for yourself. Not everyone can do long distance relationships and you need to give yourself space to move on.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ~
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    mizzesconfused wrote: »
    And what about my wishes? He ended it over the internet and gave no real reason,

    This should tell you something. He quit a relationship of 8 months, with allegedly no problems in the timespan of a week. I do say that "being yourself" is not your winning horse here. You have been yourself before and he dumped you.

    Your wishes are irrelevant to him, I am afraid. Just half a year ago I have been very foolish and acted on my gut instinct when all my friends warned me. I now have closure, but I hit what has been my personal rock bottom back then. So do what you must, but keep the advice firmly in the back of your head and recall it as soon as you realize your plan is lickety-split going up in flames in just an hour that you meet him.
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