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Ex has a new girlfriend
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I dated my ex-boyfriend from September to December 2009. Not a long time I know, but long for me! The relationship ended mutually because he was depressed as he didn't have a job and couldn't seem to focus on a relationship. I was upset and hurt at the fact that I wasn't worth making an effort for. In February 2010 he called wanting to meet up but I said no, primarily because I was still angry. He then subsequently got a new girlfriend and after a few weeks of admitted Facebook stalking (!) I deleted him.
In November 2010, I contacted him as I felt a bit down about a fling I'd had and because I felt there was 'unfinished business.' We corresponded for months as he was working abroad and then we met up in January for one night. He told me then that there was another girl in another country but they weren't in a relationship. I told him that I wasn't going to be someone he could use whilst in this country. He then went away again and got in touch in March wanting to hook up. He said the girl was still kind of on the scene but still no relationship. I refused and again, I was hurt as naively I had hoped spending time with me in January would make him 'pick' me.
Then last week, I felt down and messaged him again and we agreed to meet up in the next week or so. I then heard nothing further from him and discovered today (through the pain in the ass that is Facebook) that he's now classed as being in a relationship with this other girl.
So....I feel hurt again at the thought of being used. Even though I initiated it, and went back on what I had previously said, I still feel angry with him. I also feel terrible for her that he would be suggesting a hook up with me when he's meant to be with her. There is no way that I'm going to do anything with him now but I feel so upset about the whole thing that if I wasn't in work right now I would cry!
I'm a grown woman for God's sake and I don't understand why I'm letting him do this to me, nor why I'm actually starting it! What is wrong with me???? :banghead:
In November 2010, I contacted him as I felt a bit down about a fling I'd had and because I felt there was 'unfinished business.' We corresponded for months as he was working abroad and then we met up in January for one night. He told me then that there was another girl in another country but they weren't in a relationship. I told him that I wasn't going to be someone he could use whilst in this country. He then went away again and got in touch in March wanting to hook up. He said the girl was still kind of on the scene but still no relationship. I refused and again, I was hurt as naively I had hoped spending time with me in January would make him 'pick' me.
Then last week, I felt down and messaged him again and we agreed to meet up in the next week or so. I then heard nothing further from him and discovered today (through the pain in the ass that is Facebook) that he's now classed as being in a relationship with this other girl.
So....I feel hurt again at the thought of being used. Even though I initiated it, and went back on what I had previously said, I still feel angry with him. I also feel terrible for her that he would be suggesting a hook up with me when he's meant to be with her. There is no way that I'm going to do anything with him now but I feel so upset about the whole thing that if I wasn't in work right now I would cry!
I'm a grown woman for God's sake and I don't understand why I'm letting him do this to me, nor why I'm actually starting it! What is wrong with me???? :banghead:
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Comments
For your part I would seriously stop and analyse what this relationship actually was to you, because it's totally possible that it's become more about validation than it ever was about deep feelings. You were not with him very long in the first place, not long enough to build a true foundation of trust and knowledge of one another. However, the fact that he walked away from you quite possibly left you insecure and you have forever been trying to regain that sense of security.
The guy has done nothing to earn any particular enthusiasm from you, he has just wandered in and out of your life and has left you feeling lost and needy. In the cold light of day you'd probably realise that he really isn't that important to your life, if at all. Once you can let go of the fact that he chose to split with you, and can grasp that his reasons most likely weren't any rejection of who and what you are, then you will feel a whole lot better about yourself.
If he truly is suffering from depression then his emotional responses will not be what they might be in a more emotionally balanced person. He may well be seeking all kinds of emotional band aids that in no way can be the foundation of anything solid. Don't assume that this other girl has had any easier a time with him to date, or will do going forward.
I would tend to chalk this one down to experience and avoid further contact with this man because it's doing you no favours. You don't need his validation, and you would be better to think of it as him having deficiencies rather than you being 'not good enough'.
Thanks for this helpful response. A lot of what you say is right in that I view what has happened as more a failing on my part - i.e. not being good enough - as opposed to a failing on his. A big part of my problem is seeking to be wanted (emotionally, not necessarily physically) hence I find myself in difficult situations with men in an attempt to satisfy that need.
Quite frankly, any man who supposedly has a girlfriend and yet seems willing to hook up with other women is not worth anyone's time, least of all mine. I know I am better out of the situation but I find it difficult to view it as me being strong and empowered by staying away from him rather than perceive myself as being rejected.
You did all those things maybe because you just love him. Even if you are too much angry, yet love will still be the exact reason of everything. You know you are angry but you still want him to be with you despite of all the truth revealed. Just accept that he is not yours anymore.
It doesn't matter what age we are things hurt! *hug*
You seem to have got into this relationship not sure of his status yet at the same time he did not make it clear he was fully single and she was in the background. It's understandable you feel angry with him as he could have been clear about his situation from the minute he saw you - and the frustration of him not "picking" you is tough to face.
Are you able to talk to him about this in order to finish this completely and give yourself closure? You seem to be very self-aware
and this can be really helpful for you to move on and learn what you want and what is good for you