am I relapsing into the past??

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi I've recently got over self harming and eating issues after living in an abusive house share - but recently my neighbour is bringing back all them memories and feelings with his actions - smoking weed forever drunk and started to get very abusive and quite violent.

On top of this I have been feeling 'lost' or something like I'm not at one with my body always viewing myself as an eye in the sky.

This however is making giving me evil thoughts (such as torture and murder) but I feel that if this happens I will spiral as there has been a few people pissing me off at late :/
Is this normal or is it a sign I could be possibly going back to the past?!?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I most note my evil thoughts are not typical for me as I have been known to wear my heart on my sleave and characteristically so laid back that I didn't know was anger is - but I feel this is changing as feel myself turning into an angry person filled with discontent and loathing for myself and others. I've also turned a young pessimistic :/ which isn't good I guess
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi K Dwagg,

    First of all well done for the work you've done getting over self harming and eating issues :) That is a really difficult thing to do! How recently was this? I only ask because sometimes, when someone is in the process of stopping self harming or gettng over eating issues, they can have times when they feel they are slipping back to their old ways. In fact, feeling old memories and feelings again is quite common, and almost part of the recovery process as you use new tools to deal with the old issues again. Think of it like a mountain path where there's dips and valleys, but each upwards climb takes you higher, even if you go down a bit in between, until you reach the very top.

    Have you seen TheSite.org self harm section?

    Is there anyone you can talk to about these feelings? Or any way you can leave your house for a while to get away from the influence of your neighbour?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Cheers for the tips Fostress :)
    Umm its been roughly 2 years since I started to get on the road recovery. The eating issues wasn't hard to get over - its gone too well and have to loose weight again (healthly mind you as last time I was living on 3 cuppa soups and a bottle of water a day).
    But I guess the mental aspects have been harder can't let mum know fully how I feel as she has closed views on the type of thoughts I have, can't go to the doc as if I am told I have a mental illness I would be sacked from work and that's what keeps me going on with life - all these bank holidays and this 5 day weekend has been torture.
    I don't feel I have anyone I can turn to as my family have out-dated views and lack of understanding :-/
    But hopefully its just due to the mounting pressures I have on atm - trying to complete my NVQ and apprenticeship, help my mother with doing things and the kids (mums riddled with arthritus and other things which I'm due to get before I'm 40 :/) and being the head of the house I guess has been taking its toll.
    All trival things but just trying to find my trigger point and I have found a few; rejection from fellas when trying to find a partner, my best mate used me and tried brainwashing me, my neighbour and I guess my apprenticeship deadline in summer.
    What's worrying me most is my desire to hurt others and not myself which I know is normal

    Sorry this bears no relevancy but it was a weight I felt I had to remove from my chest

    And thanks again for listening to my dribble as I know there are others in worse situations so I probably deserve a slap for feeling how I am.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh didn't realise this had duplicated - bit of a technophobe so clueless why this happened - I'll just blame the blackberry
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't worry, I can edit it to get rid of the repeat! It sounds like you're under loads of pressure at the moment - so defintely don't feel that you deserve a slap - I think you're holding up remarkably well considering it sounds like there's a lot going on for you - well done!

    Is there anyone you can share this burden with outside of your family - maybe not your best mate from the sounds of things, but someone who can at least help out and be someone to go to when things get too much? It sounds like you are a carer and there is support out there for carers - both emotional and practical. Have a look at this page from the Princess Royal Trust for Carers and this one from Direct Gov.

    It's great you get a lot out of work - but you mention that you will lose your job if they find out you have a mental health problem. Have they told you this? It is usually illegal to discriminate against someone with a mental health problem, even if they found out, which they may not, as in most jobs you can choose not to disclose it. We've got an article on mental health at work here. Or is your situation different?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Cheers again

    I wouldn't class my self as a carer as I only do what any daughter would do and always have done - little simple things like house work cooking and dishes and stuff and if mum is bad help her with socks, shoes, driving etc. I spend too much time at work to help out as much as I should I would generally spend between 40-50 hours a week in the office (only get paid for 37 but I tend to do a lot of personal study when most others have gone home to help me stay on top of the game).
    The reason I said I would get fired is that they can't take such risks in my line of work (depending on the severity I may stay but progress and promotion would be impossible - not good when I desire to go up a few more levels and lead my own team.
    If I did get the boot my next port of call would to be join up in the forces but I doubt that would be possible if diagnosed with a mental illness particularly after the Astute incident.

    After my best friend misusing my trust and good will I have not let anyone get close to me enough in which I can confide such feelings - I guess I will have to do what I do best which is soldier on.
    Alas the only thing stopping myself turning my thoughts into actions is that over the years I have built up great self control and discipline with a no pain no gain attitude.
    To help me forget about things I am training for the Nijmegen 4 day walk (100 miles in four days) and possibly the deathmarch (100Km in 1 day)
Sign In or Register to comment.