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Knowing what to do

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I feel bad writing this post but I feel like I need to vent. I intend to turn to 'real' friends too but they're all over the UK and I feel like a "Girlies give me advice' mail will seem very out of the blue for them as they consider me set up and happy.

I'm 23 and have been in a relationship for 2.5 years with someone I met in America. He's from the UK (it was on a camp America programme). We got together and less than a year later both of us moved in together and uprooted to London to pursue careers. I trained as a teacher and he's an account.

We moved from a small flat to a house (renting) and now have been making plans to purchase in the next year. Ok - I'll just list the things that are building on me and we'll take it from there:

1) We've had sex once in 9 months - and that was only because I threatened to sleep in the spare room if we didn't do it soon.

2) He doesn't kiss 'intimately'. It's all pecks, and rarely on the lips (sometimes he avoids them...he doesn't really do lip kisses). We used to have more intimate kisses (with tongues) when first together, but like the sex, this dwindled.

3) Our arguments really suck. Today for example, I phoned him to ask him to buy butter. He said he couldn't hear so I repeated it - he then ended the phone call with "Oh just f off" and put the phone down. When I rang back to ask him what the hell he got like that for he called me a kn*b! He's quite melodramatic. If we had an argument he slams doors, screams and shouts in my face and around the house swearing. He was tormenting me the other day when I was trying to get sorted for a lesson I was teaching and because I told him to stop he called me a slut and an array of other names before storming off upstairs. Today he has just continued like it's 'ok'. When on holiday, we fell out and in public he leaned about an inch from my face and shouted, swearing into my face.

4) As with above - he name calls. I don't - I don't see it as a sign of intelligent arguing. I also never raise my voice whilst he screams and stomps. He obviously gets more frustrated when I say in a regular voice "Can we talk like adults?" but I end up feeling hurt from these arguments.

5) Money. He works with money so everything centres around it. He has spreadsheets - I have a saving schedule. I have to save £500 of my wage per month where he gets paid £15,000 MORE than me per annum. I also pay for my car alone and I also have a pet who I insure. I also had dental issues which I paid for a so my expenses differ greatly. I even take private tuition on Saturdays. I work 6 days a week and still don't earn anything near what he does. I'm just saving for this house yet he'll contribute a huge amount more than me. He's critical when I buy things for my pet (not spending a lot) or clothes.

6) My pet is a bird. He can be noisy and mean to me and my partner but he was with me before I moved in with my partner and where I go, he has to follow as he is my life. He causes arguments because my partner blames him for headaches and claims I am not allowed any more pets. As an animal obsessive I am concerned that he is trying to control everything, with more leverage with more of his money going into our future home. He also says that my bird makes the mess and that is why I end up doing most the cleaning.

7) I am a size 10, 5'8" blonde and, if I say so, have a fairly reasonable personality and am somewhat attractive. I used to be anorexic and obsess over my weight. I've started working out and logging meals, measurements and calories. My nickname is 'chubby. I'm not back in that stage as I have been in the past but I wish I was because at least I felt thin back then.

8) We moved to where we are because his friend suggested it and he was adament he would cycle to work. After less than 2 months of cycling and my commute being a total of 3.5 hours every day, he has compromised to a location we can both get to our places of work easily when we buy. However as he's putting more money in, he says he has more right to say what we get. This I understand and expect but if I had little say, I'd rather he'd buy himself a house and I'd pay half the mortgage each month.

9) He spends the vast majority of his night upstairs on his computer playing a football game.


After all this...I do love him a lot and sometimes I see him as 'the one' but recently I've had my doubts, especially with my lack of savings and the impending house purchase. He does cuddle me in bed at night and he does kiss me and send 'I love you' texts but I hate the hot and cold nature. I've approached the sex issue in many ways and though he knows that I dislike the nature of our arguments and want to be kissed properly, and actually all of the above I have said, he doesn't seem to acknowledge it further than me nagging.

I've felt better about myself recently, but only because other men have made me feel desireable. Having found out that a man I work with (very attractive) described me as perfect inside and out, and that previous flirtations are still 'alive' when meeting with old friends, I've felt revived. I wore a skirt today and have never had so many complements on my figure and how much I'm hiding a wonderful figure. I was modelling for a while but haven't felt attractive recently and have dropped offers. My partner asked "Why are you wearing that?" suspiciously this morning.

I want to go back into the performing arts part of my life but with my killer commute, I feel like my original dreams and ambitions fall at the wayside to slogging it out doing extra tuition before and after school, during holidays and weekends.

I don't know how to approach my issues or how, after 2 years of living together I can say that I feel there are problems with impending house purchasing. I don't know how to feel. I just feel guilty for feeling and thinking anything against him most of the time.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you have the conscience to be able to write that many words about your issue, tells me you are such a kind and wonderful person, and sounds like you deserve so much better.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ....why are you still with him, honey?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ....why are you still with him, honey?

    :yes: Doesn't sound like a good relationship to me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We've built a life together and I feel the pressure to make it work. We own everything in our house together and when we're not falling out, we often have a cuddle. He just walked up then and kissed my cheeks. Admittedly he finished it by clapping them in his hands but he does give affection.

    I just feel a bit stressed and overwhelmed. I'm a newly qualified teacher and along with the commute and extra tuition I just feel like I'm running out of reasons to invest in. As I uprooted, no one feels close enough to be a support and if I speak to my Mum she'll sit firmly on my side.

    I feel like I'm very much part of his friendships and get on well with his family. I lose more than I bargained -not just him but a home (when all my family are 150 + miles away) new friends (he has many here, I have a handful really) and that it's not just easy to call it a day. Everything in our home is joint owned. I wouldn't know where to start and instead of looking wistfully at the work totty, I should be trying to repair this in some way? I just don't know why he is never appears unhappy with the arguments etc...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you two really need to sit down and decide exactly what it is you want.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    how happy does he make you on a scale of 1-10? Personally i would not be considering buying a house after everything you have told us. You are such a lovely person and it doesn't sound like you are very happy at the moment.

    There is always a way out. Posessions are just stuff really and when it comes down to the crunch are dispensible. No matter how nice your home is it is not worth spending time unhappy. It sounds to me like you are compromising on an awful lot of things that mean alot to you, and he doesn't seem to be treating you very well. a couple of kisses on the cheek every now and again is no substitute for meaningful affection.

    I think you already know the answer here. You are gorgeous and deserve to be happy. You deserve to be having all the sex you want. you deserve to not have to do all the housework just coz you have a bird. you deserve to be able to follow your dreams. you should be able to spend your money on things for yourself without feeling bad or getting nagged. you deserve to feel wanted and loved and attractive and apreciated and i'm not really getting that from what you have said - i'm sorry if i'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like buying a house with him would be a good idea, he doesn't seem to respect you very much at all. you are a great girl who i have always had alot of respect for as you helped me loads in the early days and i think you deserve far far better than you seem to be getting. *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You've had sex once in 9 months? I wouldn't take it any further, get out now before there is more financial commitment and you're trapped.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm afraid I'm with the chorus that's suggesting it's time to end it, or at least not time to buy a house together.

    It sounds like me and my ex were - it's not that either of you is necessarily wrong or getting things wrong just that you don't get one another and don't gel on the really key issues (e.g. money for him, or pets for you).

    More than anything else, you don't sound happy and you have a right to be.

    Take it slowly, work out how to compensate for what you might lose, but do think about your next steps carefully.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    From what you've said, he's verbally abusive, has been aggressive (inches away from your face) controlling in some aspects and you've started to notice you're becoming a shadow of your original self.

    Seriously, get out.

    I was in a very similar situation to you years back (my ex and I lived together for 3 or so years) and I can honestly tell you that I had exactly the same fears and worries as you did (and that endless cycle of feeling let down in tiny steps) and yet once I took that leap of faith, my life got so much better - I cannot actually articulate it, but take it from me, it was like seeing the world in colour for the first time in ages. Definitely speak to your mum - my parents were so supportive and I'm sure your mum will help you out.

    You have no obligations to try and fix or work on a relationship with someone who calls you a slut, a knob or tells you to fuck off - do you think he talks that way with his boss? Then why should he do it with the person he sleeps next to every night? Take it from me when I say, it only gets worse and there are plenty of awesome men out there who won't treat you like that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He doesn't sound like a healthy person to be with. I'd get out, seriously. Don't feel pressured to stay because you've 'built a life' together, doesn't sound like a very happy life to me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No man should ever scream in your face and swear at you. That's liike domestic violence without the physical violence. It's still abuse and you shouldn't put up with it. That alone should be a big red warning sign for you.

    xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is your boyfriend eleven years old?

    I mean, I might be biased, because I have the e-hots for you (you and briggi,... goddamn...), but in my opinion you can have almost everyone you put your finger on, and it's not a far jump to some improvement.

    I am a firm believer that a relationship has to be "good", as opposed to sometimes VERY GOOD, EXCELLENT, WONDERFUL and equal times horrible, demeaning, strenuous. Therefor: It doesn't matter what his good attributes are if he behaves like a little child by calling you names and is not accepting you the way you are. I rather have a relationship with a good friend than with a diva which makes my heart skip and makes me feel like I am in heaven... 50% of the time, while the other 50% are arguments, insecurities, misunderstandings, huge differences in opinion/taste/intelligence.

    So, as quintessence: For me, there is no "repairing" a relationship which is unsatisfying because of the very core characteristics of the partner.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there malteser monkay,

    Have you spoken to him about all this? I understand you said he know this and he sees it as nagging, yet how about speaking calmly about this as a whole rather than as the events/problems happen?

    It seems that you know what you want, and you know what you don't want - which in a way combines what he is. You made an accurate list of what bothered you, yet your pro list was;
    I do love him a lot and sometimes I see him as 'the one' but recently I've had my doubts, especially with my lack of savings and the impending house purchase. He does cuddle me in bed at night and he does kiss me and send 'I love you' texts but I hate the hot and cold nature.

    It's very hard to know whether to break up or not - and no one can truly know or be in your shoes. Have you considered perhaps taking a break? Space could do you some good.

    If you have a strong hold on this relationship and truly want it to work, why not try relationship therapy? It could be something you could discuss with him - he might not be keen at first but perhaps he could understand how you feel.

    Good luck *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    christele wrote: »
    If you have a strong hold on this relationship and truly want it to work, why not try relationship therapy? It could be something you could discuss with him - he might not be keen at first but perhaps he could understand how you feel

    I would be very, very reluctant to suggest relationship therapy in this context. Malteaser Monkay has set a scene where she describes her partner as aggressive i.e. shouting, swearing at her, slamming doors, shouting inches away from her face and being verbally abusive in the form of swearing and name-calling. In these situations, relationship counselling can make the situation worse if the abuse is 'outed' to another person.

    In a counselling setting, the abusive partners are able to turn on the charm (they're often savvy with conflict resolution and anger management techniques, they just can't be bothered to use it with their partners) and are able to get the counsellor on side with them, or if they discover that the therapist is onto them and their behaviour, they find a way of getting out of going back, "It's not working, I'm not going, it's rubbish, they're rubbish."

    I think MM would benefit from seeing someone by herself, but I certainly wouldn't recommend couple's counselling in this instance.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Can you write a list as long as that about his good points and why you like him?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The fact that you've come here and written all that down means that you DO know what to do. You know that you have to get out and get out fast. If you genuinely didn't know what to do you wouldn't have come here for advice, you would simply have carried on as you have been doing for so long.

    Everyone has arguments and that does sometimes involve shouting and swearing, I've done it but it doesn't mean anything. There are droughts with sex, especially when life gets in the way. Money can bring out the worst in people. On its own, none of those things are enough to set alarm bells ringing, but together they provide a context. And that context is that he's gradually taking away your self-esteem, taking away your independence and taking away your control.

    He's putting you in a position where everything that goes wrong is your fault and everything that goes right is because he ignored your opinion. Everything you say is wrong and everything you do is wrong. Whether it's abusive or not doesn't really matter- although I think it is- what it is is destroying you and you need to get away from it now before you're more stuck. Can you imagine having children with someone like that, someone who'll make you do all the work and justify every single penny that you spend?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sounds so similar to my relationship with my ex in a lot of ways.

    Im soooo glad hes my ex. I hope you dont settle for this guy. You deserve SO much more, and the right man for you is out there but you wont find him when youre with this loser.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi guys,

    Thanks for the replies - I've dwelled on them a lot. I sat down with a friend last night to discuss it all out. I just feel bad - there are many wonderful points to him but I know deep down that there are a lot of issues. I decided to strike up a calm conversation yesterday about my bird. I had a parents evening and got in an 9. I called to ask if he had had the bird and he said yes but put him away. Now he knows I inisist of 5 hours out (a bird in a cage all day isn't fair) and he'd had him out less than an hour. We didn't talk when I got in. He did the same yesterday and he was just ignoring my responses.

    We're having a lovely weekend at the moment. He's sensed that my mood has shifted as he's asking a lot if I love him and tell me he loves me. He said "I'll do the dishes etc...tomorrow morning before your tuiton comes." For some reason he's being extremely nice - I've just been offered a coffee! Not that I'm not usually but he's being very jovial.

    I talked to him about the house and said that I wanted to rent a further 6 months in the location we're moving to. I'm going to pounce on the next opportunity we have to sit across from a table with him and tell him how I'm feeling about everything in a serious way. I want to list where either things need to change or be compromised on and if this is too much then we need to move on. I am an adult - I know I can deal with this. It's just finding the right moment where I can cope with the steps I'm taking.

    Speaking to work friends, they were surprised I was in the situation having seemed so happy. My friend is a little melodramatic but was right in the things she says. I am 23, I am young and practical, very mature and am already fairly established career wise for someones so young (I'm head of a department next year in my 2nd year of teaching) and yet still have aspirations to go further and do things that I don't think I will do whilst I'm in this money dictated relationship. I am not going to die alone but this will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do knowing I love him.

    I think if anything, maybe a break where we live maybe near each other but also a chance to live apart, claim back my own space etc... would be a good move. Me and the noisy chirper can then live alone and he can decide whether he will deal with his issues (anger management) etc...without me being the target of them and whether he wants to live with both me and the bird with out constant nagging and arguments about it. We'll see how it goes eh...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you're prolonging the inevitable- that you need to break up. Just my opinion obviously, and I'm only going on what I've read... I do hope you make a decisions that leads to your happiness though. x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with Katralla. I'm not at all surprised that he's being nice now, it's part of a cycle; inevitably, tensions will start to build again.

    I think that ultimately you'll be much better off without him, but breaking up is hard to do. Keep us updated, best of luck.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He's abusive. Please leave him. I can't really add anymore to what people are saying.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wow. I do hope this guy realises how much you are trying for him. Does he really deserve you?
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