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Mental health, heredity and children
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys
I have a feeling that at least some of you will be experienced/knowledgeable about these issues, and I'd really like to hear from you if you are as I'm feeling a bit alone in figuring them out at the moment.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost six months now, and although it's still a relatively new relationship we're both feeling a bit blown away by how good things are. And, as you do, we've been skirting around the topic of the long-term - joking about having children, discussing our views on marriage and kids and lifestyles.
The thing is, we both have family with mental health problems and have both suffered from poor mental health ourselves. My maternal grandmother was bipolar and paranoid schizophrenic, my mother is almost certainly undiagnosed bipolar and potentially also schizophrenic (although I will never know for sure as she will absolutely not entertain any notion of having poor mental health due to her experiences with her own mother), and I have suffered several episodes of depression over the past few years. My partner suffers from quite severe chronic depression; he's attempted suicide three times over the past five years after losing his daughter and the breakdown of his marriage, and also suffers from paranoia and anxiety.
So with that cocktail of genetic excitement, we ended up having quite an emotional and painful conversation at the weekend about what might happen if we ever had children. The research I've done on the internet about schizophrenia skipping a generation and how hereditary various mental health problems are has mostly served to confuse and scare me and I honestly don't know how to move forward constructively in my thinking on the matter. I initially got quite angry when my boyfriend said to me that he didn't think we should have children given our families' mental health problems, taking it to mean that it was better not to exist than to be mentally unwell, but after talking more I understand that that isn't what he meant - he said that he wouldn't wish how he's felt in the past on his worst enemy, let alone his babies, and I understand those sentiments completely.
Whether he and I are actually ever going to have children is, at this point, a hypothetical, but my family's mental health history is a very real fact and one that is affecting my thoughts on whether I should have children of my own.
Does anyone have any pertinent information or thoughts of their own on this issue? How do I make responsible decisions about whether I have my own children or adopt? I'd really appreciate any guidance or input from TheSiters on this one - I know how sensible, supportive and knowledgeable you all are and would really appreciate a hand in figuring all this out!
I have a feeling that at least some of you will be experienced/knowledgeable about these issues, and I'd really like to hear from you if you are as I'm feeling a bit alone in figuring them out at the moment.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost six months now, and although it's still a relatively new relationship we're both feeling a bit blown away by how good things are. And, as you do, we've been skirting around the topic of the long-term - joking about having children, discussing our views on marriage and kids and lifestyles.
The thing is, we both have family with mental health problems and have both suffered from poor mental health ourselves. My maternal grandmother was bipolar and paranoid schizophrenic, my mother is almost certainly undiagnosed bipolar and potentially also schizophrenic (although I will never know for sure as she will absolutely not entertain any notion of having poor mental health due to her experiences with her own mother), and I have suffered several episodes of depression over the past few years. My partner suffers from quite severe chronic depression; he's attempted suicide three times over the past five years after losing his daughter and the breakdown of his marriage, and also suffers from paranoia and anxiety.
So with that cocktail of genetic excitement, we ended up having quite an emotional and painful conversation at the weekend about what might happen if we ever had children. The research I've done on the internet about schizophrenia skipping a generation and how hereditary various mental health problems are has mostly served to confuse and scare me and I honestly don't know how to move forward constructively in my thinking on the matter. I initially got quite angry when my boyfriend said to me that he didn't think we should have children given our families' mental health problems, taking it to mean that it was better not to exist than to be mentally unwell, but after talking more I understand that that isn't what he meant - he said that he wouldn't wish how he's felt in the past on his worst enemy, let alone his babies, and I understand those sentiments completely.
Whether he and I are actually ever going to have children is, at this point, a hypothetical, but my family's mental health history is a very real fact and one that is affecting my thoughts on whether I should have children of my own.
Does anyone have any pertinent information or thoughts of their own on this issue? How do I make responsible decisions about whether I have my own children or adopt? I'd really appreciate any guidance or input from TheSiters on this one - I know how sensible, supportive and knowledgeable you all are and would really appreciate a hand in figuring all this out!
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Comments
This is an interesting discussion. Am keen to see where it goes.
my problems can be traced back three generations but i'm not convinced its not one of those nature vs nurture debates in this instance, so i may have a different perspective.
MH problems are rife in the male side of my family. Bipolar, nervous breakdowns, possible aspergers.
I never really thought about it in advance, but both my boys are on the autistic spectrum (my girl is normal) Luckily, theyre both fairly high functioning, but i wouldnt have any more children, partly because if it was another boy, there would be a good chance he'd be autistic too, and who knows how severe it could be next time.
Having said that, both my boys are wonderful and i feel very lucky in lots of ways. I also think that many people with MH problems dont have any family history, and if your child did have some problems in that respect, who would be more understanding and helpful than someone whos been through it too.
I wouldnt see it as a reason to stay childless. You can have mental health problems, and still have a great life. Some of the most wonderful, creative, intelligent and interesting people i know have really suffered with mental health problems in their life. Its not a death sentance.
This ^ :d
I do agree with this, and really appreciate your input as someone who's been there and done it. But I wonder what those wonderful, creative, intelligent and interesting people's experiences of themselves are? Being wonderful and interesting doesn't mean you feel wonderful and interesting, and it certainly doesn't keep terror and pain at bay.
I guess I'm also worried about what my memories of growing up in a family where my primary caregiver was very unwell for most of my childhood might do to my parenting. What happens to my kids if my partner and I both hit a low patch at the same time? What if he doesn't, but I do, and my child ends up with the same issues that I have because I have been neglectful, or delusional, or afraid? What if the opposite happens, and my very worry about my child developing a mental health problem causes me to be over-protective or extra-vigilant? What if my child develops symptoms that remind me of my mother, and it triggers my own fears? Can you be afraid of your own child?
What if, what if, what if..... :banghead: I don't necessarily believe any of the above things will happen, and I know how unreasonable I'm sounding, I just need to get all of this said and have it out there in the world for people to respond to - I think I'm exorcising some demons here tonight!
I think this is the situation I'm in. Although I think there might be a history of ASD on both sides of my family.
Indeed. I don't plan on staying childless - despite having a few genetic conditions in the family.
I think maybe this is more of an issue to think about than any genetic risk. Whether you are actually well enough for long enough periods of time to be able to raise a child safely nothing wrong with being vigilant to minimise your childs risks. Depends on what level youre talking about.
I cant tell you that. youd need to look at why your mother turned out how she did, and whether you think its down to genetics or down to her own experiences.
I cant imagine you all of a sudden just being afraid of your child because they had aspects of your mothers personality. The love you have for a child is not the same as a relationship with your mother.
It sounds like youve got a lot to think about, but it sounds more to me like the issue is whether youre well enough to raise a child, more than whether a child may develop MH problems
It's certainly true that parents with mental ill health are more likely to have children with mental ill health, but the theory is that it is their own mental health problems that mean that their parenting is less stable and less consistent. If you're not mentally well enough to be a stable and consistent carer, you're more likely to cause emotional and mental health problems in your children. If you can't look after yourself, you can't look after children, and a failure to care for your children DOES damage them.
Many mental health problems have their root causes in early childhood, the first 1-2 years, usually as a reaction to trauma, abuse and inconsistent care. Certainly borderline personality disorder is one such illness which is caused by inconsistent care in early childhood compounded by abuse or trauma in early adolescence- the inconsistent care can simply be a mother with postnatal depression who can't cope with a screaming baby and is sometimes loving and sometimes distraught and sometimes angry, but can also be such things as child sex abuse or emotional abuse. It's also thought that things like schizophrenia come from similar problems in early childhood, especially if child sex abuse occurs.
It isn't that you will pass your mental illness on through your genes, it's that if you're unwell you're not able to provide the level of stability and security that children need to develop emotionally. So the question becomes one of how well you are. If you're functioning fully, or nearly fully, you will be fine and your children will be fine. If there are days when you are catatonic with depression, you will need to work through these with your partner to make sure that your children remain cared for and loved consistently and securely. If both you and your partner have severe mental health problems and they affect your day-to-day life then you should seriously think about whether children are a good idea. The lack of sleep and the high level responsibility for a helpless child will exacerbate existing problems, and if you're not well enough to look after yourself you're sure as hell not well enough to look after your child.
Learning disabilities like autism, dyslexia and dyspraxia are different I think, they are hereditary. But autism isn't a mental illness, even though it can and does cause behavioural problems.
Why do social services class autism as a mental health problem (I know some people who class it as a personality disorder, as popposed to learning difficulty) if the IQ is above a certain number
I don't know what social workers think about autism, but I wouldn't trust their judgement too much. The mental illness I have, borderline personality disorder, is seen as "untreatable" by many social workers and mental health workers, so they don't bother treating borderlines. But it is treatable.
That's the battle I'm fighting at the moment
Sadly so many other areas don't have the same specialist treatments. Of all the other borderlines I know, I don't think any seem to be getting the treatment they need. Because of the condition it can be hard to get borderlines to open up, so they get marked as 'resistant' and 'obnoxious' so they get no help, which makes it harder for them to open up, which makes everything so much worse.
You'd have thought that they'd have worked this out by now.
The thing is, although she later found out she was diagnosed with depression when she was 16 her parents chose not to tell her and so she had no reason to believe that she would develop mental health difficulties during my childhood.
You're lucky, in a way, to be able to consider this as a factor when you start planning for a family but I don't think it means you can't be a parent, because anyone can develop difficulties that affect their children.
Despite all of that, though, I wouldn't change my mum for the world.
Things are better and easier now. Post-natal depression is understood and there's really good genuine help available, so mothers aren't left alone to suffer in silence anymore. It's OK to say you're struggling, which makes life so much easier. The only consideration really is how much to disclose; whilst the horror stories are just that, horror stories, social workers do sometimes get ideas above their station with parents who are mentally unwell.
Completely agreed, and as I understand it that's a general theme in the nature of the difficulties people develop.
My sister's not fucked up and she lived in the same house I did, but had an easier ride at school. Simplistic, but common.
same here