If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Need to improve
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 and a half years now. I was a virgin when we met, therefore don't really have that much experience. About 6 months into our relationship, he told me he wasn't happy with our sex life; that he was fed up of always having to be the one to get things started and of having to do all the work. I didn't really have any idea that there was anything wrong...I wasn't really that confident in the bedroom and had nothing to compare our sex life with.
Since then we've had numerous arguments about the same thing - that I'm not good enough in bed, and that I don't satisfy him. I've tried dressing up in lingerie and role playing stuff, but he pointed out that that's just the wrapping, and doesn't make the contents any better! I really need some help with tips for technique...I don't think I'm very good at turning him on, and sometimes when I started kissing him he just sort of kisses me back then goes back to what he was doing before, as if he doesn't realise that I'm trying to get things started. Any tips on how to get the ball rolling would be great!
I really struggle to know what to do actually during sex as well. I've tried watching porn, which has given me some tips...but when I'm on top I really struggle to get into a rhythm and get tired so quickly, despite being an athlete! Then in other positions, I try to move with him, but that doesn't seem to do much.
I really don't want to lose him over this. Everything else in our relationship is so good, if this could just catch up we'd be great. But I just don't have anyone to talk to about this....I'm too ashamed to tell me friends I'm rubbish in bed....
Since then we've had numerous arguments about the same thing - that I'm not good enough in bed, and that I don't satisfy him. I've tried dressing up in lingerie and role playing stuff, but he pointed out that that's just the wrapping, and doesn't make the contents any better! I really need some help with tips for technique...I don't think I'm very good at turning him on, and sometimes when I started kissing him he just sort of kisses me back then goes back to what he was doing before, as if he doesn't realise that I'm trying to get things started. Any tips on how to get the ball rolling would be great!
I really struggle to know what to do actually during sex as well. I've tried watching porn, which has given me some tips...but when I'm on top I really struggle to get into a rhythm and get tired so quickly, despite being an athlete! Then in other positions, I try to move with him, but that doesn't seem to do much.
I really don't want to lose him over this. Everything else in our relationship is so good, if this could just catch up we'd be great. But I just don't have anyone to talk to about this....I'm too ashamed to tell me friends I'm rubbish in bed....
0
Comments
Have a look through the previous few pages in this section as some of the topics that have come up over the last few months have had some similarities to your query and some good advice was posted with links that you may find useful too.
Maybe when you are kissing him to try and get things started try kissing his neck or something as well and give his bum a squeeze. then try stroking his crotch a bit too, it sounds like maybe your attempts are a bit too subtle for him so he just isn't getting what you are hinting at.
Also tell him that if you are trying to make an effort to improve things then saying stuff like "that's just the wrapping, and doesn't make the contents any better" is not really going to improve your confidence in this area and he needs to be a bit more sensitive in how he words things. The wrapping can be important if that is the sort of thing that makes you feel more sexy. Also remember that it takes two people to have good sex, it is generally not a case of one person being good and one not, good sex takes both partners.
I also have trouble gauging the situation sometimes...like whether the mood's right and he's up for it, and whereas I'd just say "Sorry, i'm not in the mood" he tends to get a bit pissy.
Maybe I do need to be more obvious. I want to try new things, I just don't really know what to try. Being "sexy" isn't something that comes easily to me, I'm more clumsy and girl-next-door-y but I enjoy sex and just want to get better at it!
:yes: there is no point him getting frustrated or pissy with you over things, it takes two people to have good sex.
its one thing to give hints at what he likes and prefers, but its another thing for him to blast you down by telling you youre shit in bed, and then to carry on when youre obviously trying your best to please him
:yes:
Bang on.
He sounds like a prick.
Not really, no.
Sex involves two people and both people are equally responsible for sex being 'good' and for sex being 'bad'. You don't have sex by yourself so if the sex is 'bad' then you're as responsible for it as your partner is, usually.
To shout at you and argue with you for 'not improving' is disgraceful behaviour, particularly as he doesn't actually seem to know what he wants and is simply blaming you for it.
And if you're getting blamed for sex being 'bad', then it is no wonder that you're getting scared and nervous about having sex. Being told that you're rubbish in bed is pretty much the only guaranteed way of killing a libido, so it isn't any wonder that you're not in the mood.
As for how to 'improve', the responsibility is with him to tell you and show you what he wants. The best way for him to do this is to praise what you're doing well and gently guide you into changing the techniques that don't work so well. It's very difficult for us to tell you how to 'improve' because each person wants sex in different ways and prefers different techniques- the sorts of things that get me off won't necessarily get him off.
And don't forget that he should be participating fully in sex too. If he's demanding blowjobs he should be going down on you (if you want it), he should be reciprocating rather than leaving everything to you. It's his responsibility to get aroused as much as it is your responsibility to arouse him; similarly, he should be taking the time to get you hot and wet rather than demanding sex with minimal foreplay.
To 'improve' you simply need to relax and enjoy it. The best sex isn't about technique, it's about really wanting to do what you're doing and about really wanting to do the person that you're doing. You can have the best blowjob technique in the world but if you don't want to be sucking that dick then the blowjob will be crap. It's an old cliche, but the biggest sexual organ you have is your brain. And it might be a good idea to point out to your partner that he's the problem by frightening and upsetting you rather than gently encouraging you to push your boundaries.